Discussion It will never make sense to your loved ones

[Polyxo]

This thread is specifically for those who have people that care and love them, and who loves those people in return. Your loved ones' questions will always be

"but why didn't you say anything about your suffering?"

"why didn't you trust us to help you?"

"regardless of any reason, why didn't you consider what this would do to us?"

"did you hate us, is that why you did it?"

"you hid it too well from us"

"we have you everything, so why?"


People will attempt to cope by rationalizing the tragedy, speculating the motivations behind it. However, no matter how much the desire to leave this life is explained, your stable, healthy loved ones will not understand an ill mind.

I believe the most we can do is leave a note to try and explain that we are just inherently broken, that it has nothing to do with the people around us or their "failures". That dying was an autonomous choice, and even a privilege, for us. Trying to explain the specific stream of thoughts/delusions in our head that led to the decision to CTB will be pointless and introduce more questions for them than answers.

What do you think?

 

[snooperdooper]

The overwhelming majority of people are self centered when it comes to the topic of depression and suicide.

 

[Polyxo]

The overwhelming majority of people are self centered when it comes to the topic of depression and suicide.

Do you have loved ones that you care about? It's understandable to feel resentment towards people who don't understand the suffering you're going through. I'm hiding my suffering from my family because I believe it would burden them. Plus, my parents don't really understand depression and think it's simply a condition that can be cured by just "focusing on positive things instead."

But at the same time I personally think it's unrealistic to expect mentally healthy people to fully understand a mentally ill mind. Most loved ones first learn about what you're going through when you're already dead. At that time, they will seek answers and closure that they will likely never have. And I really feel guilty about that. With or without a note, guilt and the stages of grief will make them believe that the motivation behind the death was a personal attack on them or their fault. But at the same time, I think leaving a note is better than nothing, even if they don't choose to read it soon after I die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I also think that leaving a note for some form of explanation/ closure is a good thing to do.

As for me, I'm not sure that I am that plagued by mental illness. It's more that a whole bunch of shit happened in childhood which lead to me focusing on a coping mechanism, which lead to a maladaptive life, which has ultimately failed. I could plausibly blame certain members of my family for setting me on this track to begin with- which I of course, decided to follow. So- not all down to them. So, it's not exactly accurate to reassure everyone they are blameless. I don't intend to lay blame though. They know what happened.

I actually intend to hold off my suicide until my Dad goes first. He's the last remaining family member whom I feel it could potentially devastate. I still want to leave notes for others on the periphery who do care though.

They will be along the lines of- It wasn't an impulsive decision. Ideation started for me in childhood. I did all I could to stay here while my family members it would most affect where alive. I did my best to make life work but, it was never really something I wanted. I didn't tell people because, there was nothing they could have done to help. All it would have done was worry them. That isn't what I wanted. I hate that my suicide may cause them grief but hope they will forgive me and understand that it's a struggle to live indefinately for the sake of others. I would want to express gratitude for the people who have helped me. Ultimately though, I want them to try to feel relieved for me that I'm (hopefully) free now and that I do sincerely wish them happiness in their own lives.

 

[ginko0]

This thread is specifically for those who have people that care and love them, and who loves those people in return. Your loved ones' questions will always be

"but why didn't you say anything about your suffering?"

"why didn't you trust us to help you?"

"regardless of any reason, why didn't you consider what this would do to us?"

"did you hate us, is that why you did it?"

"you hid it too well from us"

"we have you everything, so why?"

I agree with you. Explaining the motives behind the act is almost impossible. Our subject experience cannot be understood by someone else. The only thing stopping me still is the certainty that my parents would be absolutely devastated. If there comes to a point where I really can't postpone it, the only thing I'll explain is that they're not to blame, that they couldn't have saved me, and that I don't want them to cry over me. I know it's pointless, but I think a letter will give the people I loved a sense of "closure", the notion that the act came from a resolute decision and not from blind despair.

 

[panda55]

As I was writing my exit letter I thought the same thing. It sucks that it will never make sense to your loved ones. But also it's a good thing that it will never make sense to them too. It means they are not going through the situation you have to deal with in order to reach your decision.

I would love to be the last one in my tribe that has to go through this situation. I think our job before we leave is to let them know our why and that they were not the reason at all for it.

 

[bankai]

Can anyone really help us though? I mean, most of us have spent decades being alive and trying our best, right? Sure. When we're gone, these people don't have a choice. They're going to have to rationalize it in some way.

I'm already softening up my mother to the idea by telling her how much I hate life and how bored I am etc. When my day finally comes, I'm sure it won't be as much of A shock to her.