It is so difficult to ctb ….

[Terrible_Life]

Why is it so difficult to ctb…….
I suffer so much every day and I have no hope. Today I woke up and I was so suicidal , I told myself why should I even wake up and start the day ? For what exactly? All that is waiting for me is a horrible mental pain and a terrible family that triggers me and makes me feel much worse , in fact they make me even more suicidal.
I want to ctb by hanging but I can't explain it to myself how all those people who hanged themself successfully how they were able to kick their chair/ladder away. How could they stop being afraid and just do it? I tried it with alcohol and it didn't help and I don't have any pills or other things to sedate myself.
I can only explain it this way that these people got completely emotionally numb, their pain reached a point where it "killed them" from inside and then at that point it was possible for them to ctb.
I must say to commit suicide is a very difficult thing even if you prepared everything perfectly accurate and you know nobody will interrupt you etc it is still very difficult.

I should go for a long walk in the snow and think carefully about everything… I really don't know what else I could do.

 

[kufajoy]

Si sure is a bitch. Right ?
Last time I took Midazolam so I can overcome my SI. But instead it made me calm and went to sleep

 

[Terrible_Life]

Si sure is a bitch. Right ?
Last time I took Midazolam so I can overcome my SI. But instead it made me calm and went to sleep

yes si is horrible because I really made my decision I absolutely hate it here on earth I struggle through the day then the next day starts and it's the same horrible pain again.
I also absolutely hate the fact that I can't just wake up and tell myself it is time and just do it because I don't live alone. Sometimes after I woke up I thought I should just do it then because then I am the most suicidal , so I thought maybe I should just take my rope and go to the woods and die at 3 or 4am

 

[kufajoy]

yes si is horrible because I really made my decision I absolutely hate it here on earth I struggle through the day then the next day starts and it's the same horrible pain again.
I also absolutely hate the fact that I can't just wake up and tell myself it is time and just do it because I don't live alone. Sometimes after I woke up I thought I should just do it then because then I am the most suicidal , so I thought maybe I should just take my rope and go to the woods and die at 3 or 4am

Time will come again. Si is still fighting with suicidal thoughts. One of them will soon win. Just hopping one of them win faster. Staying in the middle is so painful;)

 

[Terrible_Life]

Time will come again. Si is still fighting with suicidal thoughts. One of them will soon win. Just hopping one of them win faster. Staying in the middle is so painful;)

yes exactly staying in the middle is horrible I feel trapped I feel blockaded from doing anything and that is stupidity because I am kinda in a hurry now so going into action should happen asap actually ……
Can anyone give me an advice how to overcome si?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I always find it so torturous to be trapped in this dreadful, cruel existence of unnecessary suffering and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just painlessly cease
existing so finally I can be at peace from this existence that just causes all this suffering, the fact that the option of painless, guaranteed death is denied is such terrible extreme cruelty to me, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[ifihadnever]

I am feeling the same. My stool for FSH has arrived this morning but isnt high enough so ill have to order another.. ..

But I have a much bigger problme.....the fear of standing on it and kicking it away. In theory, its a few uncomfortable seconds of my life....but in reality it feels so damn difficult. It's so utterly frustrating. I dont even like the feeling of the rope tight around my neck but keep telling myself in comparison to what I live through and what to come its just such a short amount of time. I dont know why I have so much fear, im not worried about death. I guess its because ive unfortunately turned into such a anxious person, I barely go out and when I do my body and brain is in constant survival mode trying to keep me alive....its going to be hard to turn off that constant survival mode when faced with death.

I hear your frustration

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@ifihadnever I'm also trying to work myself up to FSH. When you start reading about hanging you think it's just a little squeeze and you black out. But no, it's a big squeeze and it's terrifying. Take the hanging out of it, that's just to tighten the rope. What we're talking about is death by strangulation. Not trying to talk you out of it. Just commiserating. I'm scared too.

 

[Terrible_Life]

@ifihadnever I'm also trying to work myself up to FSH. When you start reading about hanging you think it's just a little squeeze and you black out. But no, it's a big squeeze and it's terrifying. Take the hanging out of it, that's just to tighten the rope. What we're talking about is death by strangulation. Not trying to talk you out of it. Just commiserating. I'm scared too.

Isn't it irrational what we're doing here I mean we have so much pain, we suffer so much yet 15 seconds extreme pain on our neck is stopping us from ending this omnipresent suffering we endure every day….I mean yes absolutely you're right the feeling is horrible I even kinda like "trained" this I wanted to do the strangulation with lots of Body weight on the neck so I get used to it but what should I say….it hurts a lot and one time after my test my neck hurt the whole night