Venting It don't get any better than this

[HowlerFlamingpaws]

I've come to realize I'm never going to be a better person. I've tried, y'see. I've introspected and journalled and talked about my feelings, I've analyzed myself till the cows came home. I've changed my behavior, over and over, only to backslide and it all mean nothing. Nothing sticks. Nothing changes. Still the same me. Still someone who can't have a multi-hour deep dive into emotional trauma at 3 AM. Still can't notice every single detail at every moment of the day. Still can't multitask. Still autistic. There is no progress. There is only stagnation, only this sinking feeling of never being good enough. And I don't like it. Dreaming about catching the bus gets me through the day, but each day, each fight, each accusation of not caring just wears me down.

Maybe I really don't care. That's why nothing sticks. Maybe it's true that I don't care. I don't know, I went no-contact with my emotions years ago. My therapist gave up on me. Maybe I'm just not someone who should be on this planet. This is me, the pathetic shit-show. It don't get any better than this.

 

[Eyler]

The frustration you feel is a similar emotion that many of us feel, makes up hopeless doesn't it?

I won't spew bs on that "it gets better" by doing this and that because that has never worked for most of people— the only thing I can do or tell you is convince you of this one thing.

To keep going further ahead in life, now you may be wondering, why? I lost a family member.. a friend, I went through this and that, I can't do anything.. I'm homeless.. etc there are many factors overall of stress and how the world affects us. The reason why I believe in going further is well..

life's too short but too long, kinda thing. "Live your most of it" but teach! How do I live most of it if I'm suffering 24/7? Honestly.. I don't reslly know, I give myself a tint of hope for a change, I'm not strong or anything but the least I can do is just wonder what life has in store for me no matter how much I'm close to hitting the bucket and how I can barely move or think due to extreme dissociation + tired constantly no matter how I sleep and other factors.

I can relate to the autism and it's not a good feeling, trust me you aren't alone by feeling "useless" or a burden.. or that you aren't good enough because you think differently— or learn differently, etc.

I suggest finding different therapist, trust me I have went to multiple and I suffered a lot because well.. lots gave up on me or I was either forced to stop out of my will from my own parents while growing up.

I have found one now that is quite decent, I feel a little reassured, it's not like shes going to fix me with a wand but I guess what she tells me can open up a little bit of the picture of why I'm this way, and try to understand it even though I know half of the things she says.

I have felt a lot— and still do the "am I supposed to meant on this planet? do I deserve to live here?" and god it really drains you, let me tell you this, I'm not sure what you want to hear honestly, its rather up to you with this question, sometimes its better not too think about it unless you're an overthinker.

It's been years and there is little progress, from whom? Myself. It's been so hard— and I have so little improved but I still did, I still can try to change a bit.

That goes for you too, you can find ways to enchance your life, enjoy it differently than others even if it feels out of the custom.

But does it matter? We are all unique in one way or another.

I believe in you, but if you still feel like going somewhere further than earth, then I'll hope for your rest to be soothing.