Venting my upcoming birthday makes me want to ctb asap

[slashers4satan]

I always am sad on my birthday, but it gets worse every year. I cant stop crying. It is on the 23rd. If i wasnt a coward, id ctb now so it wouldnt happen, but I cant. Theres nothing I can do to stop it. I know nothing will change on the day of, but at least ill have never reached that age. Aging is something that absolutely terrifies me, especially since i havent moved out and still live with my parents. I know its selfish bcs my parents would be upset, but i hate myself so much. I wish I wasnt a coward . I only have 9 more days to do it.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I always am sad on my birthday, but it gets worse every year. I cant stop crying. It is on the 23rd. If i wasnt a coward, id ctb now so it wouldnt happen, but I cant. Theres nothing I can do to stop it. I know nothing will change on the day of, but at least ill have never reached that age. Aging is something that absolutely terrifies me, especially since i havent moved out and still live with my parents. I know its selfish bcs my parents would be upset, but i hate myself so much. I wish I wasnt a coward . I only have 9 more days to do it.

Wish you the peace you are seeking

 

[_Gollum_]

Feel you. Birthdays are tough when you're chronically suicidal. Every year that passes is a stab in the heart, a showcase of your failure. Mine's in October and I'm already dreading it. I was thinking of CTBing the day before my birthday but my brother will be on a trip like a month after and it'll be him dealing with my will, belongings, etc. so I don't think I can ethically do it. But the idea of passing my birthday terrifies me. I'll be 26. Since I was 19 I said 25 was the limit. I feel like a failure for making it this far when I've wanted to die for so long. It would feel like a crime against the universe to hit 26. It would be obscene.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Feel you. Birthdays are tough when you're chronically suicidal. Every year that passes is a stab in the heart, a showcase of your failure. Mine's in October and I'm already dreading it. I was thinking of CTBing the day before my birthday but my brother will be on a trip like a month after and it'll be him dealing with my will, belongings, etc. so I don't think I can ethically do it. But the idea of passing my birthday terrifies me. I'll be 26. Since I was 19 I said 25 was the limit. I feel like a failure for making it this far when I've wanted to die for so long. It would feel like a crime against the universe to hit 26. It would be obscene.

I wanted to die ever since I was 13. And now I'm 36. Sometimes we can't help it .
Btw my birthday is also in October

 

[_Gollum_]

I wanted to die ever since I was 13. And now I'm 36. Sometimes we can't help it .
Btw my birthday is also in October

That's a long time to suffer friend, happy/sad early birthday <3

 

[ctb_warrior]

That's a long time to suffer friend, happy/sad early birthday <3

Haha yeah thank you dear. Happy/sad early birthday to you too my friend