it always comes back

[witless]

why the fuck is it so cruel with me. I had hope for a few days. I had a really great week. I talked to people, I went to the gym, I did everything right, I felt so happy. But it always comes back. Something always fucking happens and I'm sent right back to square one.

Everyone tries so hard to support me. People care and I hate it. I wish we could all give up on me. Everyone always tells me it gets better but it all just comes crashing back down and I get stuck here realizing I won't live to be 30. I don't want to do this anymore. How does anyone survive feeling like this? How does anyone get through it? How do they do it when it literally never fucking gets better? The floor keeps getting pulled from under my feet and I'm so fucking tired of living the same cycle day in and day out. I know this shit is coming and I fall for it every fucking time.

I don't even think I want to die. Whenever there's a little bit of joy I make sure I enjoy it and everything. I'm grateful, I make sure I appreciate it, I do everything right and things still don't get better. It's been 10+ years of this shit and it doesn't get better. I don't want to die but I have no other fucking options because there is no other way that this ends. Nothing is going to work and nobody is going to save me and I just want this shit to be over. I want to stop pretending it wasn't over a long time ago

 

[Ol Messier 87]

I feel like I could have written this paragraph. To try to answer the question of "why and how?", I believe that when we have explored the depths for too long we never fully return; even when things in life improve, we don't. But I really hope you will anyway, things can change just as chaotically, plus you're still young. If I made it to my thirties (31 now), maybe you could either. Will it be better after ? That I don't know.
(Sorry if you were more hoping for answers that would encourage you to take the plunge)

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all, I find it so dreadful how existing can very easily get worse. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Valhala]

When you manage to occupy your mind with the trivialities of everyday life, then you do not delve into the depth and essence of existence on this planet, and for this reason you do not think so directly about CTB as one of the options. That "self-forgetting" is one of the recipes for a longer life, but the question arises whether what (and how) meaningful and expedient ?