It was 2016 the month of August. I have just cleared a very important professional examination and my career and college life was just about to take a great start.
I was also preparing for my 1st year college exams but suddenly one day as I sat on the table my leg starts shaking. My heartbeat was up like anything and I felt dizzy. This was probably my first anxiety/panic attack. It came out of nowhere because I was probably the happiest at that point of time.
Following that say my heart palpitations grew. I started thinking that I am going crazy. I would start having nightmares and sleep paralysis. I thought my lungs and heart are failing at the tender age of 18.
10 days after that incident I was having immense shortness of breath and was convinced that I am gonna die. That night at 1 am I woke my mom and dad up and rushed to the hospital only to find out that all my vitals were good. I insisted and the doctor agreed to test further.
I went on having an USG, multiple blood tests and X rays and everything came fine. Over few months I experienced something which I pray no one ever does. A feeling of neither happiness or sadness. Nothing. It felt all empty. Lack of any emotions. Probably a fine example of depression.
I couldn't study at all. I couldn't get out of the bed at all. I signed up for different courses but my anxiety and panic keeps returning.
In 2019 winter while taking a hot shower I suddenly found out that one of my testicles hung lower to another one (which is absolutely normal human anatomy). But my anxiety and google confirmed that it was testicular cancer. I became miserable each day. Going from doctor to doctor for reassurance.
I was fairly a good student. I do possess immense knowledge about a lot of thing. But this anxiety doesn't go anywhere. It's 2023 and it still kills me everyday.
Every month my mind makes up a new dear and makes me google it. I tend to develop every symptom of a deadly disease Dr Google mentions. A few months ago I kept checking my urine for colour and consistency. I went in for more than 26 tests of Blood and Urine analysis at different places.
It has been 7 years. Been to different doctors. Have done hours of yoga. Have done therapy. Have taken meds. Idk what else to do anymore.
I am tired. I am not doing well. I cannot concentrate on my studies or work or anything. Idk why I am writing this but I feel so guilty. I have good mobile phone, good OTT subscription, AC, good food. But I still can't get hold of myself.
I feel so ashamed of myself. Even being a privileged person I can't do anything with myself while there are really talented people who are held back due to financial issues.
I just wish I could disappear so that all these resources are not wasted on me anymore.
Idk why am I writing this. I am just tired and want to feel peace just for once. Even if it comes in my sleep and never wake up tomorrow morning.
I was also preparing for my 1st year college exams but suddenly one day as I sat on the table my leg starts shaking. My heartbeat was up like anything and I felt dizzy. This was probably my first anxiety/panic attack. It came out of nowhere because I was probably the happiest at that point of time.
Following that say my heart palpitations grew. I started thinking that I am going crazy. I would start having nightmares and sleep paralysis. I thought my lungs and heart are failing at the tender age of 18.
10 days after that incident I was having immense shortness of breath and was convinced that I am gonna die. That night at 1 am I woke my mom and dad up and rushed to the hospital only to find out that all my vitals were good. I insisted and the doctor agreed to test further.
I went on having an USG, multiple blood tests and X rays and everything came fine. Over few months I experienced something which I pray no one ever does. A feeling of neither happiness or sadness. Nothing. It felt all empty. Lack of any emotions. Probably a fine example of depression.
I couldn't study at all. I couldn't get out of the bed at all. I signed up for different courses but my anxiety and panic keeps returning.
In 2019 winter while taking a hot shower I suddenly found out that one of my testicles hung lower to another one (which is absolutely normal human anatomy). But my anxiety and google confirmed that it was testicular cancer. I became miserable each day. Going from doctor to doctor for reassurance.
I was fairly a good student. I do possess immense knowledge about a lot of thing. But this anxiety doesn't go anywhere. It's 2023 and it still kills me everyday.
Every month my mind makes up a new dear and makes me google it. I tend to develop every symptom of a deadly disease Dr Google mentions. A few months ago I kept checking my urine for colour and consistency. I went in for more than 26 tests of Blood and Urine analysis at different places.
It has been 7 years. Been to different doctors. Have done hours of yoga. Have done therapy. Have taken meds. Idk what else to do anymore.
I am tired. I am not doing well. I cannot concentrate on my studies or work or anything. Idk why I am writing this but I feel so guilty. I have good mobile phone, good OTT subscription, AC, good food. But I still can't get hold of myself.
I feel so ashamed of myself. Even being a privileged person I can't do anything with myself while there are really talented people who are held back due to financial issues.
I just wish I could disappear so that all these resources are not wasted on me anymore.
Idk why am I writing this. I am just tired and want to feel peace just for once. Even if it comes in my sleep and never wake up tomorrow morning.
