Venting It ain't easy

[YoYoYiggitiYo]

I've read articles through the years about how easy it was to get any illicit substance/object on the darknet, especially illicit drugs like fentanyl (apparently it's everywhere!!!). I figured once I'd set myself up to access DNMs I'd be able to land enough pentobarbital and/or fentanyl to CTB and it would all be done within a month. Now I just found this website and I'm here because it ain't easy. Nobody sells that stuff and DNMs are garbage DDoSed crap.

This sucks. And to make things worst, I already thought our society was terrible when it came to suicide prevention, but now I'm also aware of the existence of people (the absolute scum of the earth) who scam those who seek to die in (relative) peace and comfort.

I wish I'd done it 6 years ago when I learned of the SN method, all those years I've had it all laid out on a notepad sitting on my desktop. Would probably have been able to score some N back then too. Since my early 20s (more than a decade) I've known that this would be the time - and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks a month ago.

This has been more frustrating than it should be. I should be able to walk into my local pharmacy and order some N. You get X months of waiting period during which you're put in contact with a psychiatrist. X months later you get your N if you still want it. Nobody can say you did it out of impulse and nobody can say with help you'd have pulled through. Sounds like a decent compromise.

I'm sitting on 2g of heroin to IV and 1g of flualprazolam to ingest - I'm not sure if I should settle for this or grab some SN. I can't miss.

I'm also weirdly ashamed of even being on this forum - this whole consciousness and experience thing is fucked.

 

[sincerelysad]

i hear you and i am here for you. im sorry you're struggling.
i agree wholeheartedly that N should be available, and the way you described seems pretty fair as well. imagine a world where that's commonplace. jesus, i wish.

vent as much as you need here. i hope you find peace in whichever path you choose to take to find it

 

[almostoutofhere]

If you're with fine with poking yourself, I'd go with IV heroin. 2 grams is more than enough for OD. If I wasn't terrified of needles that's how I would go, but there's no way I can inject myself

 

[FuneralCry]

I also very much hate the fact how this world that we exist in makes suicide so unnecessarily difficult and complicated for us, it's like every method is either horrific, involves risks, or is just inaccessible. We really shouldn't have to struggle so much to be able to achieve something so normal and inevitable as death, it's what we are destined for anyway so it could never be justified making a peaceful suicide such an impossibility for us to access legally.

But I very much envy those who have a method as ideal as N, they are so fortunate and having a method like that would be such an incredible relief for me and I would exit as soon as possible.

 

[TapeMachine]

Yeah, it's daunting just how difficult it can be to ctb in an ideal (peaceful) manner. I'd really like not having to resort to some of the more horrific methods myself (for my own comfort, and for the sake of those who will have to find my body), but it almost seems like those are the only options I'm left with...

I hope you are able to find solace somehow. ::hugs::