Discussion Isn't it weird breaking past that "I can't do it to my family" barrier?

[ChildrensITV]

It is a new kind of hopelessness. It's a confrontation within your mind: "It has to be me or them". I have reached the point where, as much as I don't want to do this to others, my brain keeps saying: "Fuck 'em". Not in an aggressive way, but in a resolute way. Whether I live or die, someone has to be hurt.

I don't feel a strong emotion, like sadness. Don't get me wrong, I feel sad and depressed, but the overwhelming feeling I feel now it just numb? I feel like I am just seeing things unbiased, logically and clear: A whole life of failure and pain is not worth it.

I don't even know why I made this thread. There is nothing more to be said. My friend called to say "Are you going to leave me then? Our friendship meant nothing?". I said: "I can't stay here cuz you will cry. There isn't really anything to discuss. I've made my mind up. Now I am just waiting for things to fall into place, e.g. save up for SN". I bit my tongue and didn't tell him about this website, lest he add to the people trying to get this site banned.

I've started to like it when people say to me: "It's not all about you. You're depressed but so are other people. I'm depressed but you don't see me suicidal. My life is worse than yours", or "you keep talking about suicide but you will never do it. You're crying out for help!". In my head, I say: "OK. Cool. Watch what happens in 2024."

 

[tams]

I can relate. As hard as it is to think about the pain it will cause my family and friends, I have to push those thoughts aside. I have to shut off my emotions which has become easier to do over time. I know if I think too much about it, I will never ctb. This is the way it has to be.

 

[SamTam33]

I could be way off with my thinking. But just like with most everything, I believe these thoughts are fueled by our egos.

I know it sounds contradictory: putting someone else's feeling above ours is somehow egotistical.

That part is fine (not wanting others to suffer because of us). I also understand that when you're responsible for the care of a particular family member, it makes sense to struggle with leaving them alone.

But I think ego comes into play when we imagine the degree to which our loved ones will suffer.

As if our absence will create a never-ending spiral that our families and friends won't ever crawl out of.

I'm sure that's the case for a few. But there are millions of parents who have lost a child and they're still kicking. The sit next to us on the train. They answer the phone when we call a customer service number. They live down the street. They're the president of the United States.

Maybe I'm just a cynic. But I think we assign ourselves too much credit, and don't give our families enough of it.

Put it like this: the people we think won't be able to handle our deaths - are the exact same people who have absolutely no problem existing in this wretched world we wish to leave.

They obviously have a high level of tolerance for pain and unhappiness so it's likely they'll deal with our deaths the same way they deal with all the other heinous shit that goes on around them.

 

[ptolemaea]

i'm not very close with my family, but i have trouble coping with what my death would do to my friends. i do think it's just as selfish to expect people to grit their teeth and go through their pain because you don't want to feel their absence. death could come for me at any time. the next time i go out i could be hit by a car, and my death in that scenario would also devastate my loved ones. the pain i'm trying to escape is just as valid as the pain they don't want to be inflicted on them.

 

[bloop714]

Yes same, I don't have many friends but I am close but not that close to my family, they know I am depressed and they want to help me too, but it's too late now...for time being I am just focused on how to make my family feel less bad if I ctb

 

[Forever Sleep]

I could be way off with my thinking. But just like with most everything, I believe these thoughts are fueled by our egos.

I know it sounds contradictory: putting someone else's feeling above ours is somehow egotistical.

That part is fine (not wanting others to suffer because of us). I also understand that when you're responsible for the care of a particular family member, it makes sense to struggle with leaving them alone.

But I think ego comes into play when we imagine the degree to which our loved ones will suffer.

As if our absence will create a never-ending spiral that our families and friends won't ever crawl out of.

I'm sure that's the case for a few. But there are millions of parents who have lost a child and they're still kicking. The sit next to us on the train. They answer the phone when we call a customer service number. They live down the street. They're the president of the United States.

Maybe I'm just a cynic. But I think we assign ourselves too much credit, and don't give our families enough of it.

Put it like this: the people we think won't be able to handle our deaths - are the exact same people who have absolutely no problem existing in this wretched world we wish to leave.

They obviously have a high level of tolerance for pain and unhappiness so it's likely they'll deal with our deaths the same way they deal with all the other heinous shit that goes on around them.

You could well be right. It's not that our family members won't survive without us. It COULD be traumatic enough for some to motivate them to also kill themselves but- chances are- I expect most will carry on...

It does change you though... even regular death changes people. Ever watched Westworld? (HBO series.) They have AI humanoids populating the theme park but they give each one a backstory. A 'cornerstone' that defines them. I wondered what my cornerstone was and it is likely my Mum's death when I was 3. I expect EVERYTHING would have turned out differently if that hadn't happened.

I'm not posting this to try and guilt trip anyone by the way. I truly believe we DO have the right to take our own lives if we can't cope with life anymore. Still- I think in many cases- it will upset people. It's just a really unfortunate consequence really.

I'm curious- have you lost a close loved one? I guess we're all different. I once had a discussion with FuneralCry because I couldn't quite get my head around her absolute conviction that death is always a good thing. It seemed like she had experienced the loss of loved ones but didn't go through the intense grief and mourning that I definitely did and still do to some extent.

I think- part of my reluctance to inflict that on people left behind is because I worry that they may experience part of what I felt. Suicide isn't really like natural death either because we decide to bring all that pain forward for them and we do it deliberately.

From my perspective- I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. He's the one person left that I do actually think it would devastate if I did it. If I DID do it though- it wouldn't be me he grieved. It would be his idea of me. To some extent- I still represent the small part of my Mum left on this earth. Yes- it's probably selfish that our loved ones don't maybe see us for who we really are. If they did- they would surely see how much we are suffering and perhaps they would be more willing to let us go. I think a lot of the time- they have an idea of us. Of the potential we had. The potential to be happy and live a good life. I suppose it's that part they try to save and that part they grieve if/when we leave them. Of course- it doesn't help us but there we go- we're all only human.

I guess- what I'm trying to say is- I'm not sure it IS always about ego- people will miss ME- more that- people will miss who they thought I was- if that makes sense?

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really recommend being so open to other people about the subject of suicide, as after all so many are in denail and refuse to accept that suicide is a perfectly logical option. But anyway the fact is that when it comes to leaving people behind, grief and loss are simply an inevitable part of life, we all have to die and lose everything someday. Nobody is obligated to continue existing just because some people decided to selfishly procreate.

 

[SamTam33]

You could well be right. It's not that our family members won't survive without us. It COULD be traumatic enough for some to motivate them to also kill themselves but- chances are- I expect most will carry on...

It does change you though... even regular death changes people. Ever watched Westworld? (HBO series.) They have AI humanoids populating the theme park but they give each one a backstory. A 'cornerstone' that defines them. I wondered what my cornerstone was and it is likely my Mum's death when I was 3. I expect EVERYTHING would have turned out differently if that hadn't happened.

I'm not posting this to try and guilt trip anyone by the way. I truly believe we DO have the right to take our own lives if we can't cope with life anymore. Still- I think in many cases- it will upset people. It's just a really unfortunate consequence really.

I'm curious- have you lost a close loved one? I guess we're all different. I once had a discussion with FuneralCry because I couldn't quite get my head around her absolute conviction that death is always a good thing. It seemed like she had experienced the loss of loved ones but didn't go through the intense grief and mourning that I definitely did and still do to some extent.

I think- part of my reluctance to inflict that on people left behind is because I worry that they may experience part of what I felt. Suicide isn't really like natural death either because we decide to bring all that pain forward for them and we do it deliberately.

From my perspective- I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. He's the one person left that I do actually think it would devastate if I did it. If I DID do it though- it wouldn't be me he grieved. It would be his idea of me. To some extent- I still represent the small part of my Mum left on this earth. Yes- it's probably selfish that our loved ones don't maybe see us for who we really are. If they did- they would surely see how much we are suffering and perhaps they would be more willing to let us go. I think a lot of the time- they have an idea of us. Of the potential we had. The potential to be happy and live a good life. I suppose it's that part they try to save and that part they grieve if/when we leave them. Of course- it doesn't help us but there we go- we're all only human.

I guess- what I'm trying to say is- I'm not sure it IS always about ego- people will miss ME- more that- people will miss who they thought I was- if that makes sense?

I've lost loved ones, but when I come up with my half-baked theories I try not to frame them around how I would respond, but base them on what I see or hear (from others).

If people loved us, they will surely be upset and sad; they'll miss us.

And if the goal is for them not to feel any sadness whatsoever, then ok - we must stay alive to prevent that.

But that's not the sense I got when people share their stories. Again, it seems like they're focused on the degree of sadness and devastation their loved ones might feel.

That it'll be so unbearable, it would be downright cruel of them to ctb. It often sounds martyr-ish to my cynical ears.

Other times I think it just boils down to us projecting how much we love and and care for someone back onto ourselves. We believe that our feelings for them are reciprocated onto us as well.

If we'd be devastated by losing them, we assume they'll be just as devastated by losing us.

But based on the (admittedly scant) details that people share, there's very little to suggest that. Their friends, parents, spouses, etc. - invalidate their feelings and hush them up.

In some cases they're the same people who caused/contributed to the suicidal feelings in the first place. But we've convinced ourselves that they'll be broken without us.

Ultimately it doesn't really matter. We can paint our lives (and death) in whatever light we choose.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

It is a new kind of hopelessness. It's a confrontation within your mind: "It has to be me or them". I have reached the point where, as much as I don't want to do this to others, my brain keeps saying: "Fuck 'em". Not in an aggressive way, but in a resolute way. Whether I live or die, someone has to be hurt.

I don't feel a strong emotion, like sadness. Don't get me wrong, I feel sad and depressed, but the overwhelming feeling I feel now it just numb? I feel like I am just seeing things unbiased, logically and clear: A whole life of failure and pain is not worth it.

I don't even know why I made this thread. There is nothing more to be said. My friend called to say "Are you going to leave me then? Our friendship meant nothing?". I said: "I can't stay here cuz you will cry. There isn't really anything to discuss. I've made my mind up. Now I am just waiting for things to fall into place, e.g. save up for SN". I bit my tongue and didn't tell him about this website, lest he add to the people trying to get this site banned.

I've started to like it when people say to me: "It's not all about you. You're depressed but so are other people. I'm depressed but you don't see me suicidal. My life is worse than yours", or "you keep talking about suicide but you will never do it. You're crying out for help!". In my head, I say: "OK. Cool. Watch what happens in 2024."

When and how did you get to that point. My parents make me feel like crap and like I'll never be understood and are so homophobic, but I still love them and my sister and roommates and friends and I feel like I have to stay alive for them. But I don't want to. It's not worth it but I can can't step out of this illogical thinking.

 

[ChildrensITV]

When and how did you get to that point. My parents make me feel like crap and like I'll never be understood and are so homophobic, but I still love them and my sister and roommates and friends and I feel like I have to stay alive for them. But I don't want to. It's not worth it but I can can't step out of this illogical thinking.

I have felt depressed for most of my life but at least I had education or career going on before. When my career started turning to shit, I felt no motivation for life. Someone came into my life 2 years back, and I realized that this person was the only actual reason I had for breathing. They stayed for 2 years but cuz I couldn't become stabily employed, they moved on, which I understand totally and don't blame them one bit. It was in the most brutal way though that they moved on: Disrespecting me along the way, with making a dating profile for me rather than just telling me it's over. Flaunting to me that they like someone new.

It wasn't the only reason for me sinking to a new low. Not even close. I've wanted to die since I was a teenager. But this was a big catalyst. It confirmed that absolutely nothing has gone right in my life. 100% unmitigated failure. And even when it seems that some good is happening, it gets cancelled. Good happens in my life only for there to be something to take away from me. It was long-disnace so hardly ideal but even that I was not allowed to have.

I realized that the only thing I have after decades of life are the clothes on my back and a few devices. I realized I can't keep living a life of failure just so others around me won't cry. Don't get me wrong, it won't be easy sipping that SN, but I am about to order it this week. I shouldn't have to live like this.