shikishiki
closer to heaven, abandoned by god
- Mar 11, 2026
- 11
When I'm already sure of what I have to do, my life always seems to trick me, making things better for a while and then when I finally think that I'm okay and everything's alright something worse happens and I'm lower than I was before, I'm at the stage where things seem to be getting better and giving me a little chunk of hope again but I'm so afraid of what comes after that, I get that thoughts from the back of my mind telling me that it's temporary and at any time something is gonna happen, I can't feel safe or rest, I always have to be on guard and in alert mood.
I'm so tired, it feels like it's draining my energy and my last will to live, I always want to try more, I never give up easily when I have reasons to, but I just can't help to feel it's not gonna last, so it doesn't matter if the reasons matter to me or not, I feel so confused and so lost, at the same time one of my bf friends committed suicide and he's been upset since then, and it just made me procrastinate more my ctb because I can't let him experience this again now, I still want to go but the only reason I will be trying again is for him to have his moment of grief for his friend, and then if things really get bad again, I still have my plan to rely on.
I'm so tired, it feels like it's draining my energy and my last will to live, I always want to try more, I never give up easily when I have reasons to, but I just can't help to feel it's not gonna last, so it doesn't matter if the reasons matter to me or not, I feel so confused and so lost, at the same time one of my bf friends committed suicide and he's been upset since then, and it just made me procrastinate more my ctb because I can't let him experience this again now, I still want to go but the only reason I will be trying again is for him to have his moment of grief for his friend, and then if things really get bad again, I still have my plan to rely on.
