fettyshooter
zzz
- Aug 6, 2026
- 27
i dont know i feel like im missing something. is there anything i should know before i finally do this? i have 12 hours left.
im fully ready to go i dont want to be in so much physical and mental agony anymore. ive wanted to go my whole life before i even knew what death was i was wishing there was a way I could sleep forever. ive always felt like such an alien in this world.
i know this is the best thing i could do for myself but theres still this other voice in the back of my head that really isnt happy about it. i keep trying to shut it up and ignore it its really creepy and it is 100% against this. its kind of similar to the ocd voice. (you know the one that tells you if you dont do this thing then the people you love will suffer and die) its a different thing but i cant control it at all just like i cant control that cruel ocd voice. i dont know what it is or why its so against me doing this.
this whole thing sucks i really really dont want to leave my boyfriend im gonna miss him and a couple other people so bad.
the rest of this is just me rambling/ranting a little more its not too relevant.
i could fix so much if i were rich. would never have to worry about going into withdrawal. i could get the awful surgery i need that my "dad" refused to pay for. (im so desperate i would let a stranger knock me out and cut it out of me. its causing so much pain.) wouldnt have to sell myself for pennies anymore. i could get rid of so many problems it makes me sick.
i hate that i didnt even get a couple years to be normal. the second i was born i got body slammed by the demon of trauma. i hate that the first regular i had was so violent and brought all of those memories back. now the daily flashbacks are back. i hope he rots. his weird obsession with blood and causing pain immediately took me back to being in the room with that church guy over a decade ago. having a life of nothing but trauma fucked me up so bad. im rambling too much but jesus christ i despise how this life went. i feel so failed by everyone.
i still dont really know what to expect. nothing after death is so much better than this life but i still wish i could just go to an ideal reality instead. i guess i should be happy enough with nothing cause its the best im gonna get. sorry this post is all over the place i cant think straight. gonna spend one last night with him and hopefully drown all the voices out. i just hope im successful tomorrow and that whatever comes after death (if anything) doesnt suck too much.
im fully ready to go i dont want to be in so much physical and mental agony anymore. ive wanted to go my whole life before i even knew what death was i was wishing there was a way I could sleep forever. ive always felt like such an alien in this world.
i know this is the best thing i could do for myself but theres still this other voice in the back of my head that really isnt happy about it. i keep trying to shut it up and ignore it its really creepy and it is 100% against this. its kind of similar to the ocd voice. (you know the one that tells you if you dont do this thing then the people you love will suffer and die) its a different thing but i cant control it at all just like i cant control that cruel ocd voice. i dont know what it is or why its so against me doing this.
this whole thing sucks i really really dont want to leave my boyfriend im gonna miss him and a couple other people so bad.
the rest of this is just me rambling/ranting a little more its not too relevant.
i could fix so much if i were rich. would never have to worry about going into withdrawal. i could get the awful surgery i need that my "dad" refused to pay for. (im so desperate i would let a stranger knock me out and cut it out of me. its causing so much pain.) wouldnt have to sell myself for pennies anymore. i could get rid of so many problems it makes me sick.
i hate that i didnt even get a couple years to be normal. the second i was born i got body slammed by the demon of trauma. i hate that the first regular i had was so violent and brought all of those memories back. now the daily flashbacks are back. i hope he rots. his weird obsession with blood and causing pain immediately took me back to being in the room with that church guy over a decade ago. having a life of nothing but trauma fucked me up so bad. im rambling too much but jesus christ i despise how this life went. i feel so failed by everyone.
i still dont really know what to expect. nothing after death is so much better than this life but i still wish i could just go to an ideal reality instead. i guess i should be happy enough with nothing cause its the best im gonna get. sorry this post is all over the place i cant think straight. gonna spend one last night with him and hopefully drown all the voices out. i just hope im successful tomorrow and that whatever comes after death (if anything) doesnt suck too much.
