Is there anyone keeping you alive?

[someonelse]

I've been close to ctb for awhile but the last couple of weeks have been more intense. I keep feeling enormous guilt about what it would do to my dad if I passed. It's selfish but I want to go before him. My relationship with my mom and my brother is more complicated and they're barely talking to me these days (or not at all) because of things I said when I was in psychosis / a manic state (I have extreme bipolar disorder).

I'm just curious if anyone else here is being "held back" by one person in particular and how you're dealing with it. I've thought of writing him a scheduled email before I go (and have drafted it) but words don't seem enough. He's 85 and I don't know how much longer he has but the thought of losing him before I go also feels really horrible.

I have my SN and antiemetic but I'm finding it hard because I just think about upsetting my dad and then I start crying and can't do it.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

My mother has straight up told me that she might follow me if I ctb. I partly hold her responsible for me being in this mental predicament but at the same time I love her and don't want to be responsible for that. The best I can do is leave her my money and hope she can take time off work with it sell the house and get a pet or something.

I'm also worried about my boyfriend because I know it would absolutely devastate him. He loves me really deeply and I think I'm the first person he's ever been this in love with. We've been together for several years and he knows I get suicidal.

In my head I have to reason with myself, my boyfriend is still young, he probably has another 50+ years in him and at some point he will get over me. What if I died from something else? An accident for example. And my mum, she is the eternal optimist and I just have to pray she would get through it. I can beg her in my last wishes to live and be happy and I dont think she'd want to go against it, she'd find a way. In the end is my suffering for years worth their temporary sadness. I don't think for them it would be a life sentence vs for me it is. In the case if your dad, he is very old and it may be the rest of his life. I guess you just gave to weigh who's pain is worth more or wait till he goes himself

 

[Deleted member 8975]

My mother has straight up told me that she might follow me if I ctb. I partly hold her responsible for me being in this mental predicament but at the same time I love her and don't want to be responsible for that. The best I can do is leave her my money and hope she can take time off work with it sell the house and get a pet or something.

I'm also worried about my boyfriend because I know it would absolutely devastate him. He loves me really deeply and I think I'm the first person he's ever been this in love with. We've been together for several years and he knows I get suicidal.

In my head I have to reason with myself, my boyfriend is still young, he probably has another 50+ years in him and at some point he will get over me. What if I died from something else? An accident for example. And my mum, she is the eternal optimist and I just have to pray she would get through it. I can beg her in my last wishes to live and be happy and I dont think she'd want to go against it, she'd find a way. In the end is my suffering for years worth their temporary sadness. I don't think for them it would be a life sentence vs for me it is. In the case if your dad, he is very old and it may be the rest of his life. I guess you just gave to weigh who's pain is worth more or wait till he goes himself

Yes my mother also threatened similarly. My parents also have a major hand in how I wound up this way.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

Yes my mother also threatened similarly. My parents also have a major hand in how I wound up this way.

I brought up with my mum how telling me that is just guilt tripping me and doesn't affect my own feelings, just adds weight to me. Her reply was "well you deserve to know what it would do" hhmmmm very helpful thanks

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I brought up with my mum how telling me that is just guilt tripping me and doesn't affect my own feelings, just adds weight to me. Her reply was "well you deserve to know what it would do" hhmmmm very helpful thanks

I can't speak for you but my mother has attempted long ago when I was little and is actively suicidal now independent of me because of how her life is going and has gone for the past several years. I know my death would impact her…I'm not sure what or how to feel about it.

 

[Looooser]

Both my parents have passed away. I wasn't close with either of them so they were out anyway. I have a twin brother that's a piece of shit so not him. I don't have any family that I talk to.

I do have a 25 year old daughter that I love and am very proud of. That's who comes into my mind all the time when I'm about to ctb. She knows I have struggled most of my life so I try to tell myself she'd understand.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

I can't speak for you but my mother has attempted long ago when I was little and is actively suicidal now independent of me because of how her life is going and has gone for the past several years. I know my death would impact her…I'm not sure what or how to feel about it.

Yeah that sounds like a hard situation to be in. I still live with mine. She's not depressed or suicidal (it's weird bc she spews the most depressing things but has some unyielding faith that all will work itself out). I just don't think parents should put that sort of burden on their kids when they are already dealing with trauma

 

[_Seeking]

I wanted to go a few years back but my mom was dying of cancer and needed my help. She has been dead over 2 years now so I really have nothing holding me back anymore.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Cat

 

[Al Cappella]

K, don't laugh—aliens. The idea that, the day after I churn the butter, the Webb telescope detects a techno-signature and it'll be a giant alien luau or something. It would really suck to miss that…

 

[GentleJerk]

Absolutely. I think it's a common theme, I have multiple people in my life who are making the decision even more difficult for me to think about. I don't have any solutions though, sorry. I'm pretty much resigned to worrying about it nearly everyday, and accepting that when the day comes that I might have to ctb, it will undoubtedly cause pain for those loved ones I leave behind.

Like other members here have said, I've tried to speak about it in advance with my mum but it doesn't seem to have that positive effect I was hoping for, to prepare her and lessen the blow. Mum said she would probably take her own life if I did, and the thought very much upsets her, which is totally understandable. I just wish It didn't have to come to this.

But some people including parents would be more open, It's not a rule of thumb. Have a look at Adam Maier-Clayton on youtube, he suffered with a debilitating illness and his father was very accepting of his decision to ctb well in advance, because Adam brought up the subject and discussed it at length many times, in a rational way. His father even supported his decision. Adam ctb with N.

 

[Pharmaruined]

K, don't laugh—aliens. The idea that, the day after I churn the butter, the Webb telescope detects a techno-signature and it'll be a giant alien luau or something. It would really suck to miss that…

You'll likely meet them after your ctb.. unfortunately they'll be posing as gods or angels to convince you to come back.. sound far fetched I know, but I truly believe there's an alien connection to this world.

. we're already following in their footsteps, albeit infantile stages .. AI, merging man and machine, and the big brains saying this is likely a simulation, and now we're going to create an inner layer simulation with the metaverse.. welcome to the matrix

 

[Al Cappella]

we're already following in their footsteps, albeit infantile stages .. AI, merging man and machine, and the big brains saying this is likely a simulation, and now we're going to create an inner layer simulation with the metaverse.. welcome to the matrix

I think so too. Add to that multi-verses--interesting times!

 

[Rob1984]

My mom mainly, then my therapist.

I would essentially be killing my mom if I ever did. It would absolutely shred her heart apart, and she would blame herself till the day she died, no matter what anybody says to her. She's the one I'm most concern about. Then there's my therapist who has the hugest heart of anybody I have ever met. He would feel like he failed me, and himself, which is just not true. He met me when my problems were very deeply rooted. He's trying his very best but there's only so much he can do to help, and it would absolutely destroy his beautiful heart.

 

[downndone2]

My 2 grown kids and my dogs.

 

[S like Siren]

No,i have noone...i'm still alive because i failed and because of my SI

 

[Treeline589]

I would have to say at this point my therapist.

 

[Ravel]

No. I had a cat that I loved but when I moved to another place my relatives were supposed to take care of him for a while but he ended up dying, idk why, anyway, i have nobody

 

[slagiatt]

This isn't the main thing keeping me alive, but I do think about how it would feel for my parents to lose both of their children to suicide

I've mostly gotten over it. They chose to have me, I had no choice in the matter. Having children by choice is not fair to the children. Like all adults, they knew how awful life is when they chose to have me. Just as I can't control their decisions, they cannot control mine. That's just how life is.

The main thing holding me back is the fear of failure. When I choose to kill myself, I want to actually die and not wake up in a hospital.

 

[Brokensaddle]

No one at this point, not even mental health services care I ctb that's how shit my life is right now. The only side is that nobody stopping me ctb I've got the freedom to roam around and plan it well

 

[LivideLamb]

My dog who's 1 year old and my cat who's 7. Not human, yet I think I would miss them; miss the purring, the head pats, the feeling of the fur, the barking and howling in the middle of the night, the way my cat purrs when I feed him. I don't know if they'll understand if I'd leave them.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

My two beautiful children. Every time they are the ones to save me from going though with anything.

 

[Z-bar]

Okay I'll add my .02
For me it's family family family.. although I'm the certified black sheep my parents and grandparents continue to support me and wish me well.
My grandmother is the most optimistic person on the planet, and continues to believe in me and recognize my strengths, even though through many bad decisions I've dug myself in a hole that's hard to get out of.
My dad tries hard to mentally be there for me.
Although I feel like my mom doesn't believe in me. Anytime I become optimistic and start sharing ideas and goals I have, it gets brushed off as me just being in a manic stage. I can feel when I'm believed in and when I'm not, even if people don't realize it they show it by what they say and what they don't.
But I have been carried when I could not carry myself and I feel a part of a unit even if it's broken because of my antisocial behaviors.
I think If I didn't have them I would have ctb as a teen.
I suffered from severe depression since the age of 12 when I found self harm was a release.
I know I'm bipolar now , but it could be comorbid with bpd I think.

Try to have a good day guys sending vibes your way

 

[SofterSoftest]

My SO, my grandmother who is in her 90s, and my brother and his family. I feel terrible when I think of the pain they would feel when I CTB.

I'm hoping to delay CTB until after my grandmother has died, especially because she's told me she's come close to CTB after losing my mom two years ago and because I just know she wouldn't be able to handle another major loss. On the other hand, my SO keeps talking to me about future plans, and I can't help but feel like the longer I keep myself alive, the more I am deceiving him and getting in the way of him moving on after me. He probably has another 50 or so years of life and can very much make another woman very happy, so tying him to me until my grandmother dies seems really unfair. I've also contemplated (briefly) the idea of us separating before I CTB, but I know that would just complicate things for him so much more, because he would experience even greater feelings of self-blame when I CTB in that event. I just really don't know. This is all so hard.

 

[completely-done]

I used to have people who I look to as motivation to stay alive. But I keep damaging relationships. Eventually I'll have no one again. I'll never have anyone beside me longterm because I mess it up despite my best efforts. So ctbbbbb
Also, I see no point in suffering in agony every day just so that people aren't uncomfortable with me ctb. It makes no sense. Plus I'm pretty sure they'll be like oh she's so selfish as they usually conclude lol so what's the difference??

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, other people are not what is holding me back from ctb, I am still here because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. If it was easier to ctb I would already be gone. Everyday is so depressing and I am tired of living. I wish I never had to experience this life in the first place.

 

[Darkover]

my mother helps me out alot financially i pay most of it back each month but borrow between 150-200 per month if it wasn't for her i'll be struggling every month to buy the essentials like food and paying bills on time, i'll be lost without her and she 60 now so i don't want to be around much longer hopefully be gone by the end of the year so good riddance

 

[elfin]

not really, not anymore. my partner was but he passed away and i don't really have anyone else.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Jerome Powell, as long as he's there to operate the printer I'll probably want to stick around here

 

[Foresight]

My husband. I told him it's probably my time to go in January and he requested I stay. He's supporting me 100% so I guess if he wants to support my pathetic existence for now I'm okay. He says the cost is worth my company. I've been living like this for years. I'll secure my method either way because there's a fierce instability in this lifestyle.