Is there anyone keeping you alive?

[intr0verse]

My self.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

My husband. He keeps me here. He has had some shitty stuff happen in his life, and I don't want to add "widower" to his life story, if I can help it.

 

[myopybyproxy]

me lol i could die today

 

[StarryStarry]

My cat, Sweet Pea

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I've been close to ctb for awhile but the last couple of weeks have been more intense. I keep feeling enormous guilt about what it would do to my dad if I passed. It's selfish but I want to go before him. My relationship with my mom and my brother is more complicated and they're barely talking to me these days (or not at all) because of things I said when I was in psychosis / a manic state (I have extreme bipolar disorder).

I'm just curious if anyone else here is being "held back" by one person in particular and how you're dealing with it. I've thought of writing him a scheduled email before I go (and have drafted it) but words don't seem enough. He's 85 and I don't know how much longer he has but the thought of losing him before I go also feels really horrible.

I have my SN and antiemetic but I'm finding it hard because I just think about upsetting my dad and then I start crying and can't do it.

My Mum - I feel resentful that she would be affected by my CTB - I feel like, 'FUCK OFF WITH YOUR LOVE, I DON'T WANT IT, JUST TURN IT OFF, OR HURRY UP AND DIE, SO I CAN GO WITHOUT FEELING SHITTY ABOUT IT!'

 

[HowardRatner]

My grandparents, I live with them because I lost my parents years ago. Also my cats and a nice girl I met two months back, even though I think she doesn't want me around anymore.

 

[bleeeeeep]

my parents, just because i have seen how grief for their parents affected them and i don't want to potentially be responsible for them feeling like that again. but i feel that any friends and acquaintances i have or have had will get over it soon enough

 

[LoneMisery]

My brother my cousin and a few friends but latley ive been pushing them all away in order to feel less guilty in order for doing it. I feel so bad but i also feel terrible inside. Im hoping i can find a g and walk deep into the woods so that by the time im found theres no way they can use me in a funeral or get to see me again.
Sounds really terrible i know but i just cant go on anymore. Nothing makes me happy