Is suicide parents fault?

[badtothebone]

Just to make it short, I'm new here. My 14 y.o died by suicide in January. He took my dad gun and shot himself. Since then I blame myself. I remember he told me once " see that's why I don't tell you things, we argue about everything" he basically was saying I'm not a good listener. I'm suppose to die too I can't live with this guilt I feel that I killed him. I love him so much I can't take it anymore. I'm here to find a method.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

It's not always the parent's fault no. These things are not black and white. I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[badtothebone]

It's not always the parent's fault no. These things are not black and white. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thank you! I think in my situation it's my fault. I never thought that my son will hurt himself I never even read about this topic until after. I'm always busy I didn't see he was struggling. Anyway, I have to go by him soon so I'm hoping that I can find some resources to help me out..

 

[Gone soon]

FirsrI feel so sorry for your loss. I'm no parent, never will be. Without knowing the entire background, it's hard to tell if in your case it was your fault. Please don't blame yourself, because this only will make things harder for you. As GuessWhosBack wrote, it's never the fault of one person alone. I've asked myself so many times if I can blame my parents on my situation, but the medal always has two sides

 

[badtothebone]

FirsrI feel so sorry for your loss. I'm no parent, never will be. Without knowing the entire background, it's hard to tell if in your case it was your fault. Please don't blame yourself, because this only will make things harder for you. As GuessWhosBack wrote, it's never the fault of one person alone. I've asked myself so many times if I can blame my parents on my situation, but the medal always has two sides

My grief is complicated. I tried to explain the story but it didn't go through it must be against the rules.

 

[revontulet]

Absolutely not. Parents are easily blaming themselves but it is not their fault.

 

[badtothebone]

Absolutely not. Parents are easily blaming themselves but it is not their fault.

I'm having a hard time believing that in my case, but thank you this will give me a temporary relief

 

[SilentSadness]

If people didn't have children, there would be no suicide. No suffering.

 

[wanttodie12345]

Suicide is a personal choice, not anyone's fault.

 

[Whydaddy]

It's not black and white

 

[nembutal]

you could have been partially responsible. if he left a note try analyzing that. if your grief is more of "i wish i had ____" and "i should have ____" instead of clear cut reasons as to why you think he killed himself because of you, then he probably didn't kill himself because of you. you could have always "done more", in any situation, if you provided him with his basic necessities and tried your hardest to show love then he probably didn't blame you in the end.

If people didn't have children, there would be no suicide. No suffering.

can't you use your last remaining brain cells to come up with a reasonably intelligent response instead of spouting the same bullshit under every post? this is such a cop out comment

 

[Tesha]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the grief you're feeling now. I'm a parent and to a limited degree can understand your self reflection. The fact is though, none of us are going to be able to answer your question. We never experienced the relationship you had with your son, your interactions or your parenting style.

He was still very young and in the midst of hormonal changes. My kids, of a similar age, say things to me all the time - they often acknowledge later on that they were just angry, tired or hungry. I often recall things they've said, but I know they don't think or feel them now. Try not to hold on that aspect of your son, as it will just be self defeating.

I think if you really reflect on your relationship you'll actually know the answer to your own question. You seem to have the ability to self reflect.

Do you have any other children or support in real life?

 

[badtothebone]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the grief you're feeling now. I'm a parent and to a limited degree can understand your self reflection. The fact is though, none of us are going to be able to answer your question. We never experienced the relationship you had with your son, your interactions or your parenting style.

He was still very young and in the midst of hormonal changes. My kids, of a similar age, say things to me all the time - they often acknowledge later on that they were just angry, tired or hungry. I often recall things they've said, but I know they don't think or feel them now. Try not to hold on that aspect of your son, as it will just be self defeating.

I think if you really reflect on your relationship you'll actually know the answer to your own question. You seem to have the ability to self reflect.

Do you have any other children or support in real life?

I do he was the oldest. He didn't leave a note but I think it's me who pushed him away. I remember him coming to talk but I usually say "not now" or " I have work let's do that later" I didn't know I had no clue he's thinking about that.. I don't see other reasons I think I provided the needs but not the emotional aspect. We argued about him keeps wearing his old shoes where he had 4 new Nike pairs in his closet and this type of arguments nothing big. I thought I was doing good in parenting it turns out that I had no skills and I'm not a fit parent.

 

[27ClubSoon]

I do he was the oldest. He didn't leave a note but I think it's me who pushed him away. I remember him coming to talk but I usually say "now now" or " I have work let's do that later" I didn't know I had no clue he's thinking about that.. I don't see other reasons I think I provided the needs but not the emotional aspect. We argued about him keeps wearing his old shoes where he had 4 new Nike pairs in his closet and this type of arguments nothing big. I thought I was doing good in parenting it turns out that I had no skills and I'm not a fit parent.

I think it's unfair to label yourself a bad parent. As much as he was your son and was your responsibility he made his own choice. Your guilt around this doesn't mean you are correct, it's a very natural reaction to loss. What is done is done, I think the best way to honour his life is be the best parent you can be to your other child(ren).

 

[Tesha]

I do he was the oldest.

I'm going to be a bit of shit to you now - apologies up front. Firstly though, it doesn't sound like you were a bad parent. You might've got some priorities wrong, but you didn't necessarily push your Son away.

Your loss is still very, very fresh and painful. I can see by what you're writing, that you're still trying to process everything. It's going to take time. It's understandable that you'll be looking for reasons for his suicide and blaming yourself. I'm very much pro-choice, but I will say when I think someone needs to possibly step back and give themselves a bit more time.

Your other kid(s) have just lost their brother in traumatic circumstances. Losing their parent as well, in such a short time will destroy them. I understand you loved your Son - but I'm sure you also love your other kid(s). I feel you need to focus on your other children right now; they are the ones still alive and probably looking at you to help support them.

Please look at additional help for yourself irl. You can always come back to considering suicide at a later date - when everything has settled a bit and the raw emotions have subsided.

 

[Imcantbreathe]

I don't blame anyone anymore.. I'm taking full responsibility for my actions, I believe my parents will feel the grand scale of how I felt when I am not here anymore, but they never take responsibility for their own actions so. I am at peace, I only care about how I feel and what I want at this point at in life.. truly wish everyone the best.

 

[badtothebone]

I think it's unfair to label yourself a bad parent. As much as he was your son and was your responsibility he made his own choice. Your guilt around this doesn't mean you are correct, it's a very natural reaction to loss. What is done is done, I think the best way to honour his life is be the best parent you can be to your other child(ren).

I have 2 children 10 and 6 & I'm not there for them just a body with no soul. I love my son he was my everything but I don't think he knew that. I never screamed or cursed or even fight him he was a good kid I didn't have to but we always argued about small stuff. As a single mom and young too I feel that I'm learning with my kids..

 

[DeplorableHuman]

I'm sorry for your loss. I get that this is a really difficult thing to process but I don't think it's a bad idea to focus on your other kid(s). They still have a chance at having a good life. Why not try and give it your all to give him/her/them a chance. Just don't be impulsive about it, this is a permanent thing, really really think it over, please.

Hindsight is 20/20. Even the best dads/moms/psychologists often don't see it coming. You are not a bad mom, you're just human. We don't notice or know everything, but.. we can learn. The "I could've, should've" es are really tempting to get lost in. I'm not the best with words and this all probably sounds a bit harsh (I don't mean to be). But try to see this as a learning experience and see the potential future of your other kid(s), they deserve to grow up with a mom who cares about them (which you clearly do!). We will never know what goes on in someone else's head, the best we can do is give them the best tools and advice to take on life, support them and hope they make it.

Whatever you end up doing, best of luck.

 

[badtothebone]

I'm going to be a bit of shit to you now - apologies up front. Firstly though, it doesn't sound like you were a bad parent. You might've got some priorities wrong, but you didn't necessarily push your Son away.

Your loss is still very, very fresh and painful. I can see by what you're writing, that you're still trying to process everything. It's going to take time. It's understandable that you'll be looking for reasons for his suicide and blaming yourself. I'm very much pro-choice, but I will say when I think someone needs to possibly step back and give themselves a bit more time.

Your other kid(s) have just lost their brother in traumatic circumstances. Losing their parent as well, in such a short time will destroy them. I understand you loved your Son - but I'm sure you also love your other kid(s). I feel you need to focus on your other children right now; they are the ones still alive and probably looking at you to help support them.

Please look at additional help for yourself irl. You can always come back to considering suicide at a later date - when everything has settled a bit and the raw emotions have subsided.

Thank you so much, Tasha! What you're saying is straight forward and even my mom didn't say that. I appreciate your advice and I agree. I'm trying it's hard for me to focus I'm lost everywhere I go I see my son smiling or making his turkey sandwich or jumping down the stairs.. it's hard and I know my children need me I'm pushing myself but I'm afraid my son took me with him already. I'm not enjoying anything. I'm see if I can do counseling and support group…

I'm sorry for your loss. I get that this is a really difficult thing to process but I don't think it's a bad idea to focus on your other kid(s). They still have a chance at having a good life. Why not try and give it your all to give him/her/them a chance. Just don't be impulsive about it, this is a permanent thing, really really think it over, please.

Hindsight is 20/20. Even the best dads/moms/psychologists often don't see it coming. You are not a bad mom, you're just human. We don't notice or know everything, but.. we can learn. The "I could've, should've" es are really tempting to get lost in. I'm not the best with words and this all probably sounds a bit harsh (I don't mean to be). But try to see this as a learning experience and see the potential future of your other kid(s), they deserve to grow up with a mom who cares about them (which you clearly do!). We will never know what goes on in someone else's head, the best we can do is give them the best tools and advice to take on life, support them and hope they make it.

Whatever you end up doing, best of luck.

Thank you so much! Appreciate your help. I'm trying it hurts I get up every morning and my son dying again he dies everyday since I'm physically healthy but I been vomiting lately and I feel my legs are weak I think from the stress and the sadness that I can't even explain. I will try for my children and I feel so sorry they have to lose their older brother they talk about him all the time. They don't even know he is gone they think he's waiting for us somewhere, even though they come with me to his grave they kiss him as if he's there standing. I just went back to work but I'm not sure for how long I just can't focus

I don't blame anyone anymore.. I'm taking full responsibility for my actions, I believe my parents will feel the grand scale of how I felt when I am not here anymore, but they never take responsibility for their own actions so. I am at peace, I only care about how I feel and what I want at this point at in life.. truly wish everyone the best.

Maybe if there is a note or some type of closure so the parents can know it's not them! seeking help or be more clear with your parents so they can help you. It's not easy

 

[badtothebone]

I'm so, so sorry. As a parent to 5 sons, they have raging hormones and can be impulsive at that age. Please don't blame yourself. He likely wasn't thinking clearly, I don't know. Please don't end your life but live on for others and for his memories. Please forgive yourself and him.

Thank you so much! Trust I'm trying but I feel like I'm already gone. I will continue dealing with my pain if I can for my children but I'm not sure if I can. Please hug your kids every night hug them tight

 

[suffering_mo]

Thank you so much! Trust I'm trying but I feel like I'm already gone. I will continue dealing with my pain if I can for my children but I'm not sure if I can. Please hug your kids every night hug them tight

You can read my story....I would not be doing this if I was not neurologically and physically tortured. I'm not going to make it. I try to hug them and love them but I can't keep going. I'm in hell. My issues are much different than yours. I'm so worried about my kids and what my suicide will do to them.

 

[badtothebone]

You can read my story....I would not be doing this if I was not neurologically and physically tortured. I'm not going to make it. I try to hug them and love them but I can't keep going. I'm in hell. My issues are much different than yours. I'm so worried about my kids and what my suicide will do to them.

I'm so sorry I hate knowing about your suffering! My dad used to say we don't know what each person is going through! We all have different pain and I'm sure yours is big too. I think about that too specially when they are older they will be asking questions and most likely will impact negatively on their life. I don't know why God let us live with this pain if he can take it away? I question my faith sometimes

 

[stoiccactus]

Suicide certainly can be a parent's fault, however I'm not sure I'd trust the words of a young person to be an objective judge on that. I'm sorry what you're going through, as a parent, I can't even begin to imagine the suffering. God speed.

 

[username12345]

Just to make it short, I'm new here. My 14 y.o died by suicide in January. He took my dad gun and shot himself. Since then I blame myself. I remember he told me once " see that's why I don't tell you things, we argue about everything" he basically was saying I'm not a good listener. I'm suppose to die too I can't live with this guilt I feel that I killed him. I love him so much I can't take it anymore. I'm here to find a method.

Generally if abuse or bullying was the main reason for the suicide it is possible for the abuser/bully to have legal consequences, although most get away with it. If he wasn't abusive at all and it was just that he had a gun hidden somewhere and the kid found it I don't think that is necessarily something that is his fault. I don't think your kid would want you to die just cause he wanted to die.

 

[Steff1337]

I'm very sorry about your situation. Suicide would *possibly* be parents fault only if they have been very abusive to their child, especially during early childhood.

 

[Bobert_Beniro]

consult a psychotherapist, or warn someone close to you that you are going to ctb
Unless of course you want your children to ctb too

 

[Morte]

yes, most parents i met are pieces of shit

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If he had siblings, he may have talked to them I imagine about what was troubling him. It may be painful to hear but it may help all of you work through this. It's so sad and we all make mistakes or could have done things better. But, if it was a case that in part, he felt he needed more of your time, your other children may too. I expect it will be incredibly difficult but, you will all be struggling through together.

It's not the same at all really but, my Mum died when I was 3. It gave me great comfort to grieve for her with my Nana.

I wish all of you the best moving forward.

 

[BlazingBob]

It depends on how they treat their kids. My dad has encouraged me to kill myself several times. He meant it.

 

[trs]

Just to make it short, I'm new here. My 14 y.o died by suicide in January. He took my dad gun and shot himself. Since then I blame myself. I remember he told me once " see that's why I don't tell you things, we argue about everything" he basically was saying I'm not a good listener. I'm suppose to die too I can't live with this guilt I feel that I killed him. I love him so much I can't take it anymore. I'm here to find a method.

I understand how horrible the pain of not having your son physically here with you must be, but remember your son will always be with you, their spirit never leaves us. And even though he was suffering and took this action, I'm sure he would never be happy if you did the same irregardless of any blame involved. From what I read there are other children/siblings, so I would take any unresolved guilt and use it as motivation to be there for them.