Spike Spiegel
Member
- Sep 26, 2022
- 80
When I first found this website I was recovering from being suicidal, including making plans to ctb and an accidental overdose. There were a lot of ups and downs but I made it to a place where I am no longer suicidal, have the right medication dosage, spent months if not years learning cognitive behavioral therapy. Retraining my body's reactions to certain thoughts or anxious feelings. Went to therapy and eventually stopped when I felt I did not need it anymore. Depressive episodes (medical definition) are few and far between. One or two every few months where symptoms are more prevalent.
Yet when I'm doing ok, I almost miss the feelings of melancholy. Ill listen to sad music, watch emotional movies, ill self isolate, smoke and vape more then usual. Then eventually I'll get mad at my self and feel shity about what I did, question my motives and start a mini self loathing cycle.
However Part of me enjoys these feelings. I'm not sure if enjoy is the right word. But the feelings are familiar. They remind me of a time when I did not care about anything and nothing mattered. Social media would show me depressive or emotional reels but it felt good knowing I was not alone. That I was a part of a community of people who felt similar, who emotionally were in a similar place. This website also made me feel comfortable with my emotions. As I said I have no serious desire anymore to ctb. But to get to the point of the tittle, I do this to my self. I've learned the skills to help myself and I did get better. Yet I prefer the mild sadness. Not sure if this my personality, a side effect from being a habitual weed smoker, or genuinely a symptom of depression. Typing this out helped me explore it a little more.
Thank you
Yet when I'm doing ok, I almost miss the feelings of melancholy. Ill listen to sad music, watch emotional movies, ill self isolate, smoke and vape more then usual. Then eventually I'll get mad at my self and feel shity about what I did, question my motives and start a mini self loathing cycle.
However Part of me enjoys these feelings. I'm not sure if enjoy is the right word. But the feelings are familiar. They remind me of a time when I did not care about anything and nothing mattered. Social media would show me depressive or emotional reels but it felt good knowing I was not alone. That I was a part of a community of people who felt similar, who emotionally were in a similar place. This website also made me feel comfortable with my emotions. As I said I have no serious desire anymore to ctb. But to get to the point of the tittle, I do this to my self. I've learned the skills to help myself and I did get better. Yet I prefer the mild sadness. Not sure if this my personality, a side effect from being a habitual weed smoker, or genuinely a symptom of depression. Typing this out helped me explore it a little more.
Thank you
