For your family it will be very bad both ways. Maybe not knowing if you are dead or alive is even worse than knowing you are dead.
But take your time and think twice and more before leaving this world, there will be always time to do it later.
Now I'm in my 40s but when I was younger had some very bad moments and always thought to suicide as an exit way from my problems, had also a failed marriage in my late 20s. It was always there. A possibility to end pain. I thought there was no place for me in the world, that I had no chance to have a good life, I wasn't tall enough, handsome enough, smart enough, not good in relationships as others, not this and not that, I was not a lot of things. But now you know what? Now I'm happy. It was not money, I have what I need and not much more, it was not the people around me, also my parents, that love me, had a part on my problems, on the bad way I did see me. But as I said suicide was an option so I said myself, give you a chance, do what you want, anyway a day you're gonna die and all will be finished, like never existed. And then it required time and action and something unveiled. By relying on myself and not on other people I got confident, I was able to do things. I went from ashamed of staring someone in the eyes to able to speak to a crowd, to travel with strangers and share moments of my life with them, to help others by doing volunteering activities and much more. Now I know that I'm not a lot of things, of course, but also anyone else is not a lot of things, but there's also something that I am and that is what I need. Found the girl of my life and we have two little children, 1 and 4 years.
Knowing my past you know my biggest fear? That maybe also they one day may feel the same emptiness I felt and not having what? Was it strenght? What has it been? Luck? The ability to let the game go and see what happened? My fear is they won't win against the fear of living and one day receive a bad phone call. I write this with my little girl sleeping beside me, I feel her good smell and relaxed breath. I'm giving my girlfriend and my childrens all the love I can to try to sweep that emptiness away from them.
So you ask for what is worse between your two choiches: one is hell, the other is hell. If you decide to go anyway it is sad but you'll have to take responsibilty for the pain you'll leave behind, your mother will cry, and cry and cry. She'll remember of you when you were little in here arms and cry a lot. Maybe she'll commit suicide too because of the pain she'll have to carry everyday to the last one of her life.
For this I tell you take your time and think twice and more before leaving this world.
Somewhere there is happiness for you and all of this sadness and pain will be only a memory
