Is it possible to live a life that is not a nightmare after realizing childhood sexual abuse?

[SanctionedSquad]

you say molested but i think by definition that has to include physical sexual contact

One of them also touched my nipples even though I didn't want it, that should count as sexual contact

 

[TapeMachine]

you say molested but i think by definition that has to include physical sexual contact

Dude, what are you even trying to say? Please try to be respectful

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Dude, what are even trying to say? Please try to be respectful

I know, wording is pretty irrelevant on a suicide forum, I also didn't get why he commented that.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

What I don't understand is that often people call me weird cause I always say how badly I want to be a baby forever.
I don't get the problem with that, it feels better than heroin to lay in the baby carriage while it rains and mother puts the rain protector on, so warm.

 

[MATZsemantics]

I hate my life because of CSA as well. It was so normalized to me that my reactions were never strong at all, just a protracted worsening of my mental state until I realized how much it made me hate my sexuality, how disgusted it made me feel with myself, how it obliterated any concept of a normal, healthy sex life and even what I'm supposed to expect from other people or communicate sexuality to others. I didn't even realize I was sexually abused until a few months ago, because everyone would just make fun of me if I ever talked about it. I was the age that the sort of interaction I had, where I was taken advantage of by much older people, seemed like "my choice", and it was treated that way by most of the terrible people I associated with. It was something pathetic, fuel for mockery, not even the smallest bit of sympathy. So I had no sympathy for myself until a little while ago. The betrayal, the deprivation of a normal experience of this doesn't really make me mad, it just makes me totally despondent. And then, with the hypersexuality, the normalization I felt, after a certain point it's like those initial people had trained me to just...do it to myself. People recovering to a functional level is so enviable.

I think it's possible for everyone to recover from even the worst things, it's just that the time and effort required might take so much away from your life that it's barely worth it. I think recovery is less about solving some kind of mental math problem in your head that you've just yet to find the right variable to, but more about being able to look back on bad experiences and think "that was so terrible, I'm glad it's over and my situation is so good now". This is part and parcel, of course, with having support groups and friends to look out for you, who you're not afraid to tell about these things. One of the most empowering experiences to have is time with someone who hears about the worst and doesn't take pity on you, but rather sees potential in you and wants nothing more than for you to realize that potential (without getting similarly patronizing about it). These sorts of people have convinced me to stick around before. It might be the case that that's a universal tether.
I also hate to dip into the cliche of suggesting therapy, but legitimately, talking about it extensively, and really getting emotional seemed to help a lot.

Then again, here I am, having almost CTB just tonight, so what do I know about recovery?

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I would do everything to feel like a kid once before those things happened, I want to play ocarina of time once again and have real fun

 

[7@vuse99]

What do you like about alcohole compared to other drugs?
I hate the comedown, it is worse than mdma in my opinion.
Heroin feels the best but I don't recommend it, the withdrawals feel shit.
Some rc benzos are cheaper than alcohol but that is also very dangerous, you could slit yourself up even though you normally wouldn't self harm for example cause it blocks inhibitions.

I also struggle with a severe sh addition too, which is why benzos have not been high up my list. But liqueur hits the spot for me personally. I'm blessed in the way that I have never had a hangover no matter how much I drank. And if that wasn't enough then grass before glass (if you know what I mean). I take any chance I get to disassociate, forget or distract. Better to avoid alcohol tbh. It does so much more damage than people realize. It is just easy to get your hands on...

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I also struggle with a severe sh addition too, which is why benzos have not been high up my list. But liqueur hits the spot for me personally. I'm blessed in the way that I have never had a hangover no matter how much I drank. And if that wasn't enough then grass before glass (if you know what I mean). I take any chance I get to disassociate, forget or distract. Better to avoid alcohol tbh. It does so much more damage than people realize. It is just easy to get your hands on..

What do you hope for happens after death?

 

[7@vuse99]

What do you hope for happens after death?

I hope for some kind of quiet. To be able to stay still and be at peace. What about you?

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I hope for some kind of quiet. To be able to stay still and be at peace. What about you?

I hope for one of those things:
1. That I feel like a baby forever.
2. That I get reborn in the dream world I had as a kid, so probably Planet Popstar from Kirby or the Spongebob World.
3. Having the same Life minus the bad stuff, so no bullying, no abuse, no mental disorder, my parents are together, my grandma didn't die, not getting disrespected by my crushes etc.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

OP, I'm truly sorry that this happened to you. This post breaks my heart. I wish that it didn't resonate so deeply and profoundly with me, but it does. What you describe in regards to being trapped in a childlike state, constantly yearning to go back in time to better days, to not have to worry about anything except school, playing with friends, enjoying games...

All tese things are something that us victims of childhood abuse and CSA seem to universally crave. As if our bodies and minds are still trapped in the past and frozen in time in those moments when the abuse happened. I can relate a lot to what you said about not being able to hate your abuser too, on account of him being a victim himself. The guy who molested me when I was 14 seemed to feel deeply apologetic for what he did years later, but while I don't hate him, I can't forgive him for what he did.

I think that once a person experiences a pivotal, traumatising event like CSA, it changes the course of your life forever. There's a lost innocence that can never be regained. Being sexually assaulted and molested so many times fundamentally changed me as a person, and warped me into something that words can't really describe. I'm almost a 24 year old woman, yet I permanently feel like the scared 14 year old being groped and touched innapropriately, or the young child being made to strip and held down by a doctor. I often age regress much like you and try to find solace and comfort in childish interests like retro games and plushies.

When it comes to PTSD, the current evidence base of scientific literature is so severely lacking. Some people seem to benefit from psychedelics, while others don't. Therapy can improve specific symptoms for certain people, but those deep seated, scarring memories and emotions don't fade for many, so I understand how frustrating it is to be in so much pain.

It is very difficult to treat, especially when the current MH industry just seems to throw basic anxiety/depression remedies at traumatised individuals and call it a day. It's my hope that the next generation might have some sort of technology similar to the memory insertion device in blade runner, where awful memories and developmental experiences can be deleted and wiped from our brains entirely, then be replaced with a false narrative that imbues happiness. I too would love to be teleported back to childhood, with my innocence and naietivity intact.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope that you manage to find some sort of relief in this world, that eases some of this pain. I know how frustrating it is to live in current times, where research is lagging so behind in regards to PTSD.

 

[sorrow_sparrow]

I am so sorry to hear that, that is awful what they've done to you..

I was raped, repeatedly, I was like 7 yo, by some young fine good-looking boy, he was maybe like 10 or 12 yo, very popular boy, but raped is raped
no body knows this stories, I was planned to take it to my grave,
I was once in therapy but not because of this stories, but because another stories of my shitty life... and I never told my therapist about raped, unlucky I got shitty therapist so I stoped seeing her,

I am married with children now, no body knows I was raped, not even my mom, but yes, unfortunately you can live with such an awful memories,
Not easy let me tell you, but to answer the question on title of the thread, yes we can

how? we all have different method....
forget? you wish !! you'll never forget something like that
distraction is my best method, but if they pop up to your mind.... it will instantly kill you from the inside, and you will try to distract them again and again and again and again, its like living on the devil's cycle

my advise is to cut all the contact with the abuser
meanwhile if you want, try to see therapist hope you have a good therapist ( not like mine ), maybe it won't fix the prob, but at least you've try, and it will give you a little strength, beside you can always get out if you don't like them..

about the CTB, if you really determined, don't rush the exit, please planned carefully and mindfully
either way your choice is ( I hope ) best for you...

wishing you a peaceful and a summer smile

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I often age regress much like you and try to find solace and comfort in childish interests like retro games and plushies.

Even if I would have a good life I think I would just play games anyway but while having fun while doing that, I don't think there is any other thing that is worth living for except videogames.

but those deep seated, scarring memories and emotions don't fade for many, so I understand how frustrating it is to be in so much pain.

The memories itself aren't that bad, I am used to it, I don't have emotional reactions to most things anymore but the feeling I have sometimes in my body and mind is hurting so much.

It's my hope that the next generation might have some sort of technology similar to the memory insertion device in blade runner, where awful memories and developmental experiences can be deleted and wiped from our brains entirely, then be replaced with a false narrative that imbues happiness.

Or better that there is no more thing such as abuse in the future but I think humanity will wipe out themself before that happens.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope that you manage to find some sort of relief in this world

Maybe next life.

I was raped, repeatedly, I was like 7 yo, by some young fine good-looking boy, he was maybe like 10 or 12 yo

I am so sorry for you, I hate this feeling my abuser was also a child, this makes it harder cause I can't fully blame him and when I was a kid I thought it was totally normal what he did. For example when I saw my father diying I instantly knew it was bad but when I got touched by the boy I later realized the pain.

I am married with children now

I am not interested in all at kids, if it makes you happy then I am happy for you.
But I am interested in having a female partner but it never worked, everytime I told a girl I had feelings for how much I like her they always told me that I am weird or broke contact instead of still being friends, it would probably help my depression to cuddle with a cute woman but that will never happen anyways.

forget? you wish !! you'll never forget something like that

While still live then?

meanwhile if you want, try to see therapist hope you have a good therapist ( not like mine ), maybe it won't fix the prob, but at least you've try, and it will give you a little strength, beside you can always get out if you don't like them..

Therapists are weird, they mostly have no idea how you feel or give you some medication that makes you paranoid.
And also, how can I be true to someone who has the power to put me into a psych ward?

my advise is to cut all the contact with the abuser

Doesn't work when he knows where I live and what my online profiles are called and still tries to contact me, he is such a creep.

about the CTB, if you really determined, don't rush the exit

I just want to sleep and never wake up already.

 

[never mind me]

When I was younger I used to have plenty of friends who had shitty parents, including some who had been sexually abused as chilrdren. Some of them seemed to do really well, even at age 18 or 20 and for all I know about them have continued to do so. They all seemed to have protective things in their childhood or at least in adolescence or young adulthood like reliable friendships, good relationsship with partners, good therapists, the ability to move out from harmful parents's houses and so on. So I would say it's possible to still have a decent life despite being sexually abused as a child.
But these people didn't forget the abuse, on the contrary one of these people actually was in a very bad way (i.e. full of self-hatred and suicidal ideation) before she remembered the sexual abuse, but she did trauma therapy which had helped her a lot. Personally I don't think you can forget these things (once you remember them). At least I couldn't imagine completely forgetting what happend in my childhood (although I was only emotionally and physically abused and not sexually).

 

[SanctionedSquad]

When I was younger I used to have plenty of friends who had shitty parents, including some who had been sexually abused as chilrdren. Some of them seemed to do really well, even at age 18 or 20 and for all I know about them have continued to do so. They all seemed to have protective things in their childhood or at least in adolescence or young adulthood like reliable friendships, good relationsship with partners, good therapists, the ability to move out from harmful parents's houses and so on. So I would say it's possible to still have a decent life despite being sexually abused as a child.

Maybe they just don't seem like they feel bad, everyone who I know just says that I am a very funny crazy happy person cause they can't see that I want to die nearly all time.

 

[never mind me]

That might be true, but at least one of them was quite close to me, so I believed her telling me that she got better after doing trauma therapy. But she was still struggling, she still had episodes of dissociation that resulted in her cutting herself without realizing it at the time.

 

[7@vuse99]

I hope for one of those things:
1. That I feel like a baby forever.
2. That I get reborn in the dream world I had as a kid, so probably Planet Popstar from Kirby or the Spongebob World.
3. Having the same Life minus the bad stuff, so no bullying, no abuse, no mental disorder, my parents are together, my grandma didn't die, not getting disrespected by my crushes etc.

That sounds beautiful. I really hope you find it one day.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Before I die I want to find a girlfriend, I want that feeling before I am dead.

 

[MATZsemantics]

When I was younger I used to have plenty of friends who had shitty parents, including some who had been sexually abused as chilrdren. Some of them seemed to do really well, even at age 18 or 20 and for all I know about them have continued to do so. They all seemed to have protective things in their childhood or at least in adolescence or young adulthood like reliable friendships, good relationsship with partners, good therapists, the ability to move out from harmful parents's houses and so on. So I would say it's possible to still have a decent life despite being sexually abused as a child.

Sometimes I feel like normalization of everything into adulthood is really just the squandering of the last way out. The fact that for your entire formative years no one intervened and told you what was happening was totally beyond wrong and just turned a blind eye to it at best is just the final nail in the coffin. It's hard not to feel hopeless at that point. I've read a lot on the subject and it does seem like the little bits of security you're provided go a long way in helping you. Having someone there you're comfortable talking to honestly, who can properly respond, etc. But when you've passed the point of adolescence without a modicum of security, what's the point? It's heartbreaking.

I hate this feeling my abuser was also a child, this makes it harder cause I can't fully blame him and when I was a kid I thought it was totally normal what he did.

I noticed you said this, but then I saw this:

Doesn't work when he knows where I live and what my online profiles are called and still tries to contact me, he is such a creep.

The actions of a child are one thing, but this person is an adult now and he still tries to contact you and stalks you, that's his choice as an adult that you should 100% ascribe responsibility on his part to. Many children grow past that awful behavior because like you said, it's always a case of compound abuse, and (in my opinion) whatever adult got that ball rolling is the truly disgusting person, but I don't understand how this behavior indicates that your abuser has even become better in any way. This is absolutely terrible to do to someone, it torments them, anyone with a functioning brain knows this, so I really feel like you're giving whoever this is way too much charity. If you feel like you can't be mad at the kid who did that, be mad at the adult who chooses to do this!

 

[axxxu]

I guess it depends on how you process it.
Sexual abuse is a really hard topic to answer on, like any other traumatic experience people process it differently.

I haven't been heavily molested or been raped, however there was one time where a local neighborhood kid touched me inappropriately when I lived in one area. Upon this happening my immediate reaction was to dissociate, and run away, soon afterwards when I lived somewhere else I still couldn't tell my parents and for months I was tormented by the memories.

After a while I don't know exactly when but mentally I blocked out the memory but when I was a teenager I suddenly remembered it, I was horrified and disgusted. But slowly the feelings became less intense and somehow I managed to move pass it. By moving pass it I mean I don't feel anything when I recall it or have any physical reactions to it.
I still don't know how or why, I managed to forget about it or numb myself to the memory.

Many people recommend therapy, but obviously we know that not everyone can benefit from it and not everyone can access it. Some people carry the weight of it their entire lives even with therapy.
I don't think there's a quick answer to this question it's extremely dependent on the person and what their feelings are.

 

[Unending]

What I want to achieve is to not have this enormous mental pain, it is one of the worst feelings, it feels like an eternal bad trip.

I understand. Long-lasting intense psychological pain can really drive you mad. I feel like it occasionally makes me feel completely detached from this reality like I'm in a dream and everything is fiction. Not sure if that's what you were getting at when you compared it to a bad trip but either way I empathize heavily with the pain you feel.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

If you feel like you can't be mad at the kid who did that, be mad at the adult who chooses to do this!

You are right, I didn't tell the whole truth, sonetimes I feel bad for him but what I didn't tell is that sometimes I fantasize about revenge, I am weird.
But you are right, he is objectively a bad person, a few months he wanted to beat me up cause "he was bored".

Not sure if that's what you were getting at when you compared it to a bad trip but either way I empathize heavily with the pain you feel.

Not like in a dream at all, it is fucking hard to describe, I feel physically and mentally like in those situations again, this feeling of being unprotected and being scared, like I have no control over anything.

Many people recommend therapy, but obviously we know that not everyone can benefit from it and not everyone can access it. Some people carry the weight of it their entire lives even with therapy.

Every therapist I went to was bad.
The first one talked some bullshit that it is ob ious that I am depressed if I play videogames all day (I am not joking, he said that).
The second one didn't know to respond.
The third one just said that it can be helped but stopped hüelping me when he found out I take drugs cause "oh no drug addiction is your main problem, drugs are bad" even though I would't do hatd drugs that often without the main problem and I don't need any drug prevention help, I knew exactly how does drugs sre and the dangers, I am interested in that topic since I was a little kid, I probably know more about drugs than them.
The fourth one just had me cause I tried to ctb and was very weird, I had to fill a contract that I don't ctb (not joking) and everytime I told her about my traumatic events she just responded with "oh that is bad", it was so dumb and I felt like being joked on at this point. She also said I should not ctb cause then my mother is said but I don't care about that anyway and in my opinion my experience is that sexual assault is worse than loosing a family member so my ctb would objectively lessen the whole pain. I hate this weird mentality anyway, the obly thing that counts is that I am alive, I don't like it that those weirdos think that they can choose if my life is worth living for or not, the only thing they do is give me medication that makes me paranoid.