Is it possible to live a life that is not a nightmare after realizing childhood sexual abuse?

[SanctionedSquad]

Hello, I have wanted to cbt since I was 13 cause back then my grandma died, I wanted to hang myself but I was too scared of pain.
Suprisingly I could get over it even though something died in me.
But I was still depressed and sat infront of my pc all the time but it was managable.
But then something hit me, I realized how I got sexually abused as a child, when I was 7 I remember that someone stronger forced me to show my genitals, he said he would beat me up if I didn't show so I did, he was a "friend" back then so I thought it was normal.
After realizing this my life became a nightmare, I now have severe depression, ocd, ptsd and anxiety disorder.
I realized it when I was 16 I think, I am 18 now.
I am just laying in bed most of the time and try to sleep.
I have no purpose anymore, but the worst thing is the mental pain, it is really hard to describe but it hurts so much, I feel like being in the same situation but 10x worse.
The abuser lives near me and still tries to contact me.
I am really scared of death, the only thing I want is to forget but that isn't possible so I will have to cbt, but I have problems with that, mainly cause of money and a good place so I would like to know how I can cope with my abuse until I can finally die?
I tried therapists but they just talk bullshit, they say that I should lay in the sun or go out more often, yea doing those things was actually fun BEFORE I got molested, how the fuck should some sunlight make me forget?
I am not even angry at my abuser, he got abused by pedophiles himself so he thought it was normal, this world is so disgusting.
I miss it when I was a child to play the legend of zelda phantom hourglass, it was the best time in my life, it was so much fun, when I play it now the pain masks everything.
I tried many drugs but they either make me more paranoid or I get addicted.
Does anyone know how I can ease the pain until my cbt plan is finished?
I have to make sure that my cbt works this time, last time those monsters locked me into a cell cause I tried to overdose.
But I would really like to know if it is possible to not feel like being in a nightmare after realizing that? I will still try my luck with cbt and hope that it is better after but I would still like to know.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I want to fucking die already.
I got a uk scba kit for cheap but it doesn't work on eu cylinders, I asked a uk company if they ship to germany but they didn't answer.
If there is no adapter I will sell it but I don't know where, then I could buy an eebd kit and cylinder.

 

[TapeMachine]

Hey man, I've had a similar experience with talk therapy. All it consisted of was me talking, and I already do that excessively, so I didn't see how it was going to help. I think I wasn't approaching my sessions properly though, I dunno?

But look, I think it could be possible to live a decent life despite your past experiences. Of course that depends on how dedicated you want to be, because internal growth won't happen without conscious effort on your part. Maybe that sounds cringey or whatever, but it's just true.

I'm not trying to preach at you though. Ultimately, your life is yours, so only you can say whether or not it's worth the effort.

This is perhaps too personal- so please tell me to eat shit, if you'd like - but how did it finally occur to you all these years later that you'd been abused? Did someone tell you? Or did the memories suddenly materialize?

 

[SanctionedSquad]

But look, I think it could be possible to live a decent life despite your past experiences.

What I want to achieve is to not have this enormous mental pain, it is one of the worst feelings, it feels like an eternal bad trip.
I have a noose all the time but I am too weak to get over it and hang myself, I am a pussy who is afraid of pain, that is why I want inert gas, it will just feeling like pressing the off button.
I miss it so much to lay on my bed and play with my ds, I would do anything to feel like that again.
Opioids are perfect for blocking the pain but it is only for 6 hours and obviously very addicting.

This is perhaps too personal- so please tell me to eat shit, if you'd like - but how did it finally occur to you all these years later that you'd been abused? Did someone tell you? Or did the memories suddenly materialize?

I became very anti social over the time, for example I remember someone telling me how he saw that his mother died and I didn't feel anything, I was very cold, I didn't even care anymore that my grandma was that.
I thought of the past what could have caused it, I thought about elementary school a lot cause I had much fun back then but I remembered that incident, after that a switch flipped and everything was worse.
I was depressed before I knew that but it made everything so much worse.

I just want relieve from this mental pain and inert gas seems to be the best option, I have to get it all working and I will do it at a friends house while she is away, it won't take that long anyway, I just want to press the off button.

I hate it that my mother tries to stop me from suicide, she doesn't understand how much pain I feel.
I also hate the ocd, everytime I have a shower I am scared that I will skin myself with the razor or when I have a pen in the hand that I will stick it in my eye socket, I am insane and don't think I can be fixed.
I don't want to be a part of this world anymore.
For emotions such as joy and fear and sadness, they work but they don't feel like a part of me.
I laugh a lot with my friends but it just doesn't feel like I am feeling it if it makes sense, it feels like someone else is laughing.
My recent dreams have become worse too, in the past my dreams were the only relief but they gradually feel more like real life which is terrifying.
I am just my trauma and pain, I am not even a person anymore, I just want to not exist, my soul got killed back then, now my body just needs to die.
I am begging at this point that someone helps me with my inert gas setup, I can't endure this torture anymore.

 

[The Howling Void]

I don't know. I'm 37 now. I was sexually abused as a child. It isn't any easier after years of therapy. I'm here so obviously things aren't great for me at the moment. Life feels like a never ending nightmare.

 

[Viranamari]

That sounds terrifying. Human beings are indeed so unreasonably cruel and most only care for their gain. I agree with the therapy part. You can simply find their advice on Youtube and we're paying them to repeat their advice. But to answer your question, I think it should be possible given that you put in a lot of effort. But in the end, it's your life so CTB is completely up to you. I don't really have any good advice but I certainly hope no one has to go through what you did and that things get better for you.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

Seems possible for some people. Not me though. I'm exhausted from trying to be ok.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I don't know. I'm 37 now. I was sexually abused as a child. It isn't any easier after years of therapy. I'm here so obviously things aren't great for me at the moment. Life feels like a never ending nightmare.

What prevented you from cbt in the past if I can ask?
I can't even imagine to live until 37 in this hell.
This worls is fucking unfair anyway, I told someone about the people who abused me but nothing happens but I get locked up for trying to end my pain.
I hate it in their, I have no drugs or pc in there and I hate it how they watch me like an animal in there.

What I hate how good my childhood was before, I was pretty introverted before so most of my good memories are from games but I don't find that bad, it made much fun to play Super Paper Mario, I love this game, it is my biggest good childhood memory.
When I play it now I don't feel any emotions, my emotions are seperate from my body if that makes sense.
Maybe I am weird but it is the thing I miss the most, just playing games on my wii or ds and having real joy, why did those people have to ruin me?

Not only the sexual destroyed me but also the mental abuse.
I remember an adult threatening me with a knive and I was scared that he would kill me, it was even worse than the sexual assault.
I thought I was safe back then but I wasn't, I just want to feel like a baby again.

I always had social problems, I skipped school whenever I could and just played games all the time, but back then the problems were managable, when I was away from the "danger" it was all ok, then I just sat in my chair and played games on my ds and ate sweets, it made much fun, but after realizing the abuse I can't do that anymore.

My family often said that it is normal that I can't feel fun anymore after being a child but this is probably bullshit, most people I know don't want to die every day.
I hate it what a great life I would have if I wouldn't get abused, I just want to be at home all the time and play games, that is all but it doesn't make fun anymore.
I would even be ok with that I got bullied and didn't have friends in the past but the abuse destroyed my life.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I never got it how people find drugs to be the best feeling ever.
It is not even near to feel like a child which is the best feeling.
I loved it to be dumb and naive and playful and wanted to adventure and the best was the feeling of being protected.

Weed feels ok if I take much, I like the feeling of a high dose that it "pushes" me to the bed but it also makes me very paranoid.
Magic mushrooms give me a bit of that adventurous feeling of being a child, but only a bit and not the other aspects.
Mdma makes me feel a bit like having the fun of going to the playground when I was a kid, but it doesn't come close.
Benzos hide the anxiety a bit, but I needed to overdose to have that effect.
Alcohol works similar for me as benzos but it has a much better effect, I am just laying in my chair piss drunk and forget my problems.
Opioids block the mental pain I am feeling pretty good, they are my favorite drugs from the feeling but I am just sitting in my chair and watching a video while nodding of, this is not real fun, I just feel less pain.

I didn't try mephedrone, it causes enormous pleasure, maybe I could try that to feel near to the childish pleasure but mix it with heroin to mask the pain and also take magic mushrooms for a bit of the general childish feeling.
But even if this comes close to the feeling of being a child this is just not a real life to shoot myself up with extremely addictive chemicals just to not feel pain for some hours.

I still think cbt is the best option, maybe I can reincarnate with a better childhood, I can't wait to play at te playground with my new friends then.
You can call me cringe but my dream of what happens after is the thing a person wanted the most, I can then feel like being a child forever, I don't know how that should work but maybe it is possible, I want to wake up, then go to school, then play with my friends and then go back home and then play games and then sleep peacefully.

 

[TapeMachine]

I still think cbt is the best option, maybe I can reincarnate with a better childhood, I can't wait to play at te playground with my new friends then.
You can call me cringe but my dream of what happens after is the thing a person wanted the most, I can then feel like being a child forever, I don't know how that should work but maybe it is possible, I want to wake up, then go to school, then play with my friends and then go back home and then play games and then sleep peacefully.

Hey, sorry for not responding sooner, but I never received a notification that you'd responded to me. I just stopped by the thread to check on you, so that's how I saw it.

I didn't mention in my earlier post, but my siblings and I have all experienced varying childhood SA, all 4 of us...which is just awful, I know.

Some are better adjusted than others, particularly my youngest brother. He has a kind wife and a steady job.

I go through up and downs, so sometimes I am well-adjusted; others, not so much. My depression is never the same from day to day, though I did just go through a brutal 2 months of feeling numb, disconnected, completely withdrawn. (I was finally able to identify what triggered this recent downfall of mine, just today.) I'd formed a ctb plan after doing a ton of research and got all of the necessary supplies. But now I'm on an upswing, which is convenient since I have to postpone my plans anyway, regardless of how I feel.

In response to your above quote:
I have no idea what it felt like to be my kid self. I think I was forced to grow up too quickly, plus I have a POS memory anyway..heh. But I just do not remember what that felt like... What grade are you in?

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Hey, sorry for not responding sooner, but I never received a notification that you'd responded to me. I just stopped by the thread to check on you, so that's how I saw it.

I didn't mention in my earlier post, but my siblings and I have all experienced varying childhood SA, all 4 of us...which is just awful, I know.

Some are better adjusted than others, particularly my youngest brother. He has a kind wife and a steady job.

I go through up and downs, so sometimes I am well-adjusted; others, not so much. My depression is never the same from day to day, though I did just go through a brutal 2 months of feeling numb, disconnected, completely withdrawn. (I was finally able to identify what triggered this recent downfall of mine, just today.) I'd formed a ctb plan after doing a ton of research and got all of the necessary supplies. But now I'm on an upswing, which is convenient since I have to postpone my plans anyway, regardless of how I feel.

In response to your above quote:
I have no idea what it felt like to be my kid self. I think I was forced to grow up too quickly, plus I have a POS memory anyway..heh. But I just do not remember what that felt like... What grade are you in?

But what is the purpose in life if you feel pain all the time?
The last time I really felt good was when I was 10, but after 13 I didn't have much joy and after 16 my soul died.

Prehaps you can't remember your childhood cause it was only pain.

I am in 9th grade cause I had to do the same classes multiple times cause of depression, why you ask?

 

[tiaralamb]

idk about other csa victims but I never got over it. ever. I just distract myself from it to be completely honest. it's all I can do

 

[TapeMachine]

But what is the purpose in life if you feel pain all the time?
The last time I really felt good was when I was 10, but after 13 I didn't have much joy and after 16 my soul died.

Prehaps you can't remember your childhood cause it was only pain.

I am in 9th grade cause I had to do the same classes multiple times cause of depression, why you ask?

Maybe you're onto something there: perhaps my childhood memories are hazy because of some of the abuse and pain. Well, and also because I have an awful attention span.

I don't have an answer for "the purpose of life." Maybe there isn't one, I don't know? I think it's important for each individual to weigh the pros against the cons, determine if the pain in life is worth the moments of pleasure..or if the pain far outweighs the pleasure.

For me personally: my answer will depend on my mood that day. A month ago, I would have said "hell no, not worth it, F this"; but today, I feel more at ease (especially since I started taking my antidepressants again), so I might say "for today, I'm content with being alive." Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow? The inconsistent moods can be so exhausting.

I'm not trying to convince you that life is grand, dude. It's not. Life is full of pain and turmoil, always will be to some degree.

BUT you asked if it's possible to live a non-nightmarish life after having been sexually abused as a child? My answer to that is: perhaps so, it could be possible; but it requires work on your part. Only you know whether or not it's worth the effort, man.

I just ask that you consider how much your mind is still growing, how malleable it still is at your age. I abhored myself in my teens, but I like who I am today in my 30s.

I'm not discounting your feelings just because you are younger, so please please know that I'm not disrespecting you. ❤ I might not be able to recall what it was like to be a child, but I remember quite well how it felt to be a teen. My pains then were as real as any of the pains I've experienced since.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Then I will ctb, if it is not possible to feel like if it didn't happen.
This world is just too brutal for me.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

What I am scared the most is that they will find me before I am dead.
I hate psych wards, I have no drugs or pc there.
I should have hanged myself when I was 13, then I would have died more peacefully, except the physical pain I would have died peacefully, I would've thought that I would see my grandma again and my other family members too cause I was naive back then and I would've never known that I got abused but I am just a pussy, it is too much physical pain for me.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry sabuse this life cruel mchnc body trama all life rmmb vry awful, vry sry no able enjoy this know want play game escp life feel simil ,this trama ptsd cptsd make mess brain no able enjoy no able do any prsn be no prsn only trama, this bio awful body awful brain awful life awful ,Vry sry sufferi

 

[SanctionedSquad]

At first I tried to go to therapists cause I was scared of death cause then I couldn't play my favorite games but it doesn't matter anymore, I don't think I can be fixed.
I played Super Paper Mario yesterday again and it just made me sad, my emotions don't feel like I am feeling them and therefore I have no empathy or joy anymore, my soul is already dead, I just want to kill my body already.
I wish I get reincarnated and can play my favorite games again for the first time.
Is it weird that I miss games more than being able to love my family?

 

[TapeMachine]

Then I will ctb, if it is not possible to feel like if it didn't happen.
This world is just too brutal for me.

Your life is your own. I believe each of us has the right to check out if we determine it is our best course of action. ❤

..I was naive back then and I would've never known that I got abused but I am just a pussy, it is too much physical pain for me.

You are not a pussy, dude.

It's freaking laborious to ctb, like properly.

Sure, it isn't hard to make an impulsive, half-baked attempt that is likely doomed to fail; but a truly fatal ctb takes time, research, and planning, as well as the the bypassing of our innate survival instinct. It's simply not easy breezy like some people make it out to be.

So give yourself some slack, man. You're not a coward. You're doing the best you fucking can right now.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Sure, it isn't hard to make an impulsive, half-baked attempt that is likely doomed to fail; but a truly fatal ctb takes time, research, and planning, as well as the the bypassing of our innate survival instinct. It's simply not easy breezy like some people make it out to be.

Benzos kill the survival instinct for me but I am afraid that I am too dumb then to kill myself.

 

[TapeMachine]

Benzos kill the survival instinct for me but I am afraid that I am too dumb then to kill myself.

Yeah, it only takes a tiny amount of benzos to make me feel dopey/dumb and put my butt to sleep. Lol. But they definitely help relax me too

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Is it even normal that I am so traumatized by this?
It wasn't even adults who did this to me, it was a stronger kid who I thought was my friend, he just thought it was normal cause he got molested before, he even got forced to drink poison by some older students in that school, I can't even be angry at him he didn't know better but those older students are at fault, they are monsters.
This world is disgusting.

 

[whoevencares]

Depends on what you want, the one thing I want from it will never realize. And once you realize the truth, it is what it is.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I hate it how good my life was before this happened, I would do everything to forget it and just play some zelda games, I don't even like drugs I just want something that eases my pain, I am just an addicted loser.

 

[TapeMachine]

Is it even normal that I am so traumatized by this?
It wasn't even adults who did this to me, it was a stronger kid who I thought was my friend, he just thought it was normal cause he got molested before, he even got forced to drink poison by some older students in that school, I can't even be angry at him he didn't know better but those older students are at fault, they are monsters.
This world is disgusting.

Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel disgusted, betrayed, traumatized, and however else you feel because of what happened. Your feelings aren't ridiculous; they're valid af.

I was married to a guy who had been repeatedly SA by two older teenage brothers who lived down the street from his childhood home. He was 6-8 when the abuse took place; the brothers were 16 & 17, I believe.

That horrific abuse went on for two long and miserable years.

Where were his parents while all of this was happening, you ask?? Passing out with needles in their arms, too blitzed to keep a goddamn eye on their tiny, defenseless son..

And then their son grew up to be an abuser to me after we were married. I bring this up because I can't really be mad at him either, like what you said about your abuser. I don't excuse what he did, but I understand why he did it, and I forgive him.

I know I'm verbose, and I apologize if it's annoying; but I just want you to know that you aren't alone, and that it's okay to feel the way you do about your trauma.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel disgusted, betrayed, traumatized, and however else you feel because of what happened. Your feelings aren't ridiculous; they're valid af.

I was married to a guy who had been repeatedly SA by two older teenage brothers who lived down the street from his childhood home. He was 6-8 when the abuse took place; the brothers were 16 & 17, I believe.

That horrific abuse went on for two long and miserable years.

Where were his parents while all of this was happening, you ask?? Passing out with needles in their arms, too blitzed to keep a goddamn eye on their tiny, defenseless son..

And then their son grew up to be an abuser to me after we were married. I bring this up because I can't really be mad at him either, like what you said about your abuser. I don't excuse what he did, but I understand why he did it, and I forgive him.

I know I'm verbose, and I apologize if it's annoying; but I just want you to know that you aren't alone, and that it's okay to feel the way you do about your trauma.

What prevents you from ctb?
I just need more money and a better place and I need to be sure that I won't be found.

 

[7@vuse99]

Hey

I am also 18 now and I was sexually abused from a very young age, sadly also mostly by guys I had considered friends. As far as I can recall it started when I was around 6 years old. The most recent time was just under 2 years ago.

I also struggle with the living hell that is things like BPD, OCD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and flashbacks, etc. It's really fucking hard and my heart broke realizing you were feeling that same pain. It messed me up big time. I shift between phases of hypersexuality or not feeling any kind of sexual desires at all. Being intimate with people has also set off flashbacks and panic attacks. Tbh the uncomfortable feeling of being in thdse situations never really leaves my mind.I also became suicidal at 13.
Looks like we have way too much in common (insert sad, akward laugh).

No 2 people react to an experience the same way but reading what you wrote resonated with me in a way I wish it hadn't. I am so sorry you went through that. I've sat in therapy, and while I had really amazing psychologists, I found they couldn't offer what I needed. Healing from this type of thing wasn't something anyone could do for me because no one else will ever be able to fully understand the way it effects me. Learning to forgive and let go is painfully slow and I am very much still trying to cope with it all myself. Keeping busy and being with friends who I feel comfortable with helps immensely. Being able to focus on others around me helps keep me distracted and gives me welcomed breaks from thoughts and memories. Granted being with them doesn't do that alone, I also have to make a concious effort to focus on the people around me or on a task at hand. The thoughts are still there but in those moments they are not acknowledged, if that makes any sense... I've also tried substances in the past. Became a lowkey alcoholic wayyy too young for awhile and to this day I still tend to look for a bottle if things get rough. Am also unbelievably addicted to caffeine and nicotine. Nothing like getting drunk with LED lights and headphones on to feel a little better for a short while.

Everything is fucking hard but it's really in slowly finding joy in small things around you that help. A song that hits just right, seeing that special friend or partner, the flavour of your favourite food, sweet, and drink, or the best parts of a good movie. It doesn't fix everything but it is still something. If you really plan to ctb then I wish you a peaceful passing and will most likely be joining you there soon, but if you end up choosing not to then I hope you have a beautiful life.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

I also struggle with the living hell that is things like BPD, OCD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and flashbacks

My day is usually waking up, then having a panic attack that the abuse was real and it was not a nightmare, then I stay in bed for 3 hours and feel like a living corpse and watch youtube videos, then I stay up, then most of the time I don't shower cause I am scared that I will skin myself with the razor, then I use my old clothes cause I don't care to wash them, then I mostly skip school cause I get bullied, then sit o my pc and play games for the rest of the day in the hope that it distracts me even tho it doesn't, then I go to bed and take some strong benzo before or else I can't sleep.

I shift between phases of hypersexuality or not feeling any kind of sexual desires at all.

Same, it is disgusting, I have to masturbate constantly even though it feels weird but I also hate sexuality.

Keeping busy and being with friends who I feel comfortable with helps immensely.

I don't have offline friends, they don't care about me and one sexually assaulted me some months ago.

The thoughts are still there but in those moments they are not acknowledged

It is not thoughts, I can't think in images or voices properly anymore, it is mostly physical or mental feelings that hurt that is why I need internet, I can't think for myself anymore, I NEED the internet as a substitute for fantasies.

Became a lowkey alcoholic wayyy too young for awhile and to this day I still tend to look for a bottle if things get rough.

What do you like about alcohole compared to other drugs?
I hate the comedown, it is worse than mdma in my opinion.
Heroin feels the best but I don't recommend it, the withdrawals feel shit.
Some rc benzos are cheaper than alcohol but that is also very dangerous, you could slit yourself up even though you normally wouldn't self harm for example cause it blocks inhibitions.

Everything is fucking hard but it's really in slowly finding joy in small things around you that help. A song that hits just right, seeing that special friend or partner, the flavour of your favourite food, sweet, and drink, or the best parts of a good movie.

As I said Emotions don't really feel like I am feeling them most of the time, except feelings like love, I would love to get cuddled by my waifu.
I like movies but they just don't feel like I am watching it, it is a very weird feeling.

 

[TapeMachine]

What prevents you from ctb?
I just need more money and a better place and I need to be sure that I won't be found.

One of my brothers unexpectedly died this past February, right as I was finishing up the final details of my ctb plans. I saw how despondent my dad was at the funeral, and I just...I can't do it to him right now. That man is my heart, and I just can't...not yet.

So I'm holding on the best I can right now. I have everything ready for when my time comes, but today just isn't my time yet.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

One of my brothers unexpectedly died this past February, right as I was finishing up the final details of my ctb plans. I saw how despondent my dad was at the funeral, and I just...I can't do it to him right now. That man is my heart, and I just can't...not yet.

So I'm holding on the best I can right now. I have everything ready for when my time comes, but today just isn't my time yet.

I don't feel much empathy anymore and realizing my abuse hurts me more than when my grandma or father died so I think it would objectively less pain for my family when I die but I can understand you.

 

[kadjflakflajlk]

you say molested but i think by definition that has to include physical sexual contact