eattwinkiesseejesus
Praying for death to a God that doesn't answer
- Jan 18, 2025
- 88
I'm busting from within with no one to talk to so here goes ...
I've been suicidal for well over a decade, I struggled with self harm and thoughts of suicide since middle school and general depression since grade school. I became addicted to self harm and began making attempts on my life after starting high school. One of my go tos for self harm from the beginning was acetaminophen based pain killers, the goal being to hopefully overload my liver by overdose poisoning. Over time after I stopped cutting i began abusing otc drugs more regularly and found that with high enough doses it could act like a numbing agent for the voices in my mind and I began taking the higher overdoses just for the brain fog.
After you take enough of something your body begins to build up tolerance, the pain killers became less and less effective so I began mixing them with whatever was available - benadryl, nitequil, anti depressants, muscle relaxers, etc - you get the idea. A year and a half ago things escalated in all the worst ways in my life and I found myself seeking stronger drugs, stronger numbing agents. I turned to edibles for sleep and developed tolerance for each strand and dose i attempted quickly- here these last few weeks I take and take, and still can't feel a damn thing - im still painfully sober. (Personally, i believe bipolar hormones play a significant part in that) Anyways, I digress- the edibles brought powerful headaches and I found yet another excuse to pop pain killers in excess.. it started just taking one or two ibuprofen before an edible to counteract the headaches and now I just pop a few 800 mg tablets or bc powders and go.
Ive done 3 major 'cocktail' overdoses in the past on top of this .... all these years later - after countless nights puking and feeling sick, hot and cold flashes, dizzy, exhausted - I'm finally seeing results. This past month I've noticed a steady decline in my health and energy and just a general unwellness so I decided to get some testing done and found that I have officially damaged my liver and kidneys.
Now, I know - I sound absolutely insane. Google the symptoms for liver failure and death by acetaminophen overdose poisoning- yes its a brutal way to go out and before any of you ask *NO* I would not recommend my method to anyone. Every step of this process has been (and will continue to be) painful. I've spent hours upon hours fighting thru overdoses and dealing with all the side effects that followed and am now suffering from the physical health decline on a daily basis - I've been depressed recently thinking about it all and how i felt like it was something Id never be able to achieve, and I finally have it. My organs are shutting down and all the 'hard work' I've put in is finally paying off.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would ctb in September on my birthday and have been trying to begin preparations for when im gone, I now feel even more at peace with it all. I'm going to ctb one way or another at this point - while my flesh fears its end, my soul longs to be free and leaps with glee at the finish line ahead. I am exhausted yall. I've been depressed my whole life and I have been praying for so long, that God would just let me die. I'm ready. I'm tired of the fight, the constant mental battle to just survive - at least with this glimmer of hope I feel like i can finally breathe again.
I've been suicidal for well over a decade, I struggled with self harm and thoughts of suicide since middle school and general depression since grade school. I became addicted to self harm and began making attempts on my life after starting high school. One of my go tos for self harm from the beginning was acetaminophen based pain killers, the goal being to hopefully overload my liver by overdose poisoning. Over time after I stopped cutting i began abusing otc drugs more regularly and found that with high enough doses it could act like a numbing agent for the voices in my mind and I began taking the higher overdoses just for the brain fog.
After you take enough of something your body begins to build up tolerance, the pain killers became less and less effective so I began mixing them with whatever was available - benadryl, nitequil, anti depressants, muscle relaxers, etc - you get the idea. A year and a half ago things escalated in all the worst ways in my life and I found myself seeking stronger drugs, stronger numbing agents. I turned to edibles for sleep and developed tolerance for each strand and dose i attempted quickly- here these last few weeks I take and take, and still can't feel a damn thing - im still painfully sober. (Personally, i believe bipolar hormones play a significant part in that) Anyways, I digress- the edibles brought powerful headaches and I found yet another excuse to pop pain killers in excess.. it started just taking one or two ibuprofen before an edible to counteract the headaches and now I just pop a few 800 mg tablets or bc powders and go.
Ive done 3 major 'cocktail' overdoses in the past on top of this .... all these years later - after countless nights puking and feeling sick, hot and cold flashes, dizzy, exhausted - I'm finally seeing results. This past month I've noticed a steady decline in my health and energy and just a general unwellness so I decided to get some testing done and found that I have officially damaged my liver and kidneys.
Now, I know - I sound absolutely insane. Google the symptoms for liver failure and death by acetaminophen overdose poisoning- yes its a brutal way to go out and before any of you ask *NO* I would not recommend my method to anyone. Every step of this process has been (and will continue to be) painful. I've spent hours upon hours fighting thru overdoses and dealing with all the side effects that followed and am now suffering from the physical health decline on a daily basis - I've been depressed recently thinking about it all and how i felt like it was something Id never be able to achieve, and I finally have it. My organs are shutting down and all the 'hard work' I've put in is finally paying off.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would ctb in September on my birthday and have been trying to begin preparations for when im gone, I now feel even more at peace with it all. I'm going to ctb one way or another at this point - while my flesh fears its end, my soul longs to be free and leaps with glee at the finish line ahead. I am exhausted yall. I've been depressed my whole life and I have been praying for so long, that God would just let me die. I'm ready. I'm tired of the fight, the constant mental battle to just survive - at least with this glimmer of hope I feel like i can finally breathe again.
