Is it better to die or to live a mediocre life ?

[hellispink]

Everyone's perception on life and their circumstances are different. What can be "mediocre" for some, can be rewarding for others. It is weird. The only one that can choose wheter to take it or not is the person in question.

 

[Messgram]

One of the tell-tale signs of a narcissist is a dislike of "the mediocre". Only effortless brilliance (which doesn't actually exist) and the adulation of worthy others matters for anything. A normal life, normal things, average ability and achievements: all are worthless to the narcissist.

I don't have NPD but I do have some strongly narcissistic traits, but also good self-awareness, which is part of the reason I'm good at controlling them.

indeed worthless. Being average means living being exploited all your life by those who are above average, not excelling at anything, meanwhile, just another ant. There is no meaning in that.

 

[WonderingSoul]

I'm in a similar position. In my opinion, I would choose death and end my suffering.

 

[xo777]

I'm being a cunt because I don't want someone to waste his life for a temporary feeling? What if he changes his mind a second after drinking the N, or kicking the chair? Look not everyone on this forum should kill themselves just because they've had a month of depression. Death should really be the last option, in my opinion.
I thought this was a pro choice forum,
not a "shut up unless you want him to die like all of us forum" .
he can choose whatever he wants
but i'm allowed to give him my opinion

Believe me, if he told us that he had headaches every day from his brain cancer, I'd be the first one
to tell him to go for it,.

I'm no fucking pro lifer, but I do have values
People should always know why the fuck they're killing themselves, before killing themselves,
so they don't make rushed decisions, and then they have to live with brain damage, like me

after a few days of thinking i thought about it and you are right there is no afterlife it's just some hopeful wish

 

[Deleted member 847]

after a few days of thinking i thought about it and you are right there is no afterlife it's just some hopeful wish

If there was an afterlife you probably wouldn't like it
The odds of the afterlife being designed to make you happy and safe and comfortable would be lower
than the odds of me sticking a nail up my ass tomorrow

Every single good thing that you've ever experienced in your earthly life happened
either because you worked hard to get it, or someone else gave it to you, with their hard work
God/Nature never gave you anything that made you comfortable, you and other people that cared about you did that, and it wasn't free
It's stupid to think that the universe will just give you happiness for free after you die in some parallel world

Life is just a bunch of stupid animals eating grass or eating each other, and human beings
are just animals with fancier caves. If you remove electricity from our society, our caves aren't even that pretty anymore

If you look at a cockroach and ever feel disgusted and think to yourself that such a pathetic life form
could never deserve to have an afterlife experience, because he (it, the bug) wouldn't be of any use to that place,
remember that you and I both share dna with that "unworthy of heaven" being.
Cockroaches look for food, avoid predators, fight with each other for survival (Even eat each other, and human beings have done that too). and
have ton of sex to make babies (Eggs).
You can clearly see a pattern there
We are doing just what the cockroach is doing, except in a more "sophisticated" way
We hide from danger like the cockroach does etc...
due to our language and math abilities, longer life spans, better social networks and mastery over our enviornments
it almost looks like we are some sort of gods compared to animals, but if you really dissect your
mind in an unbiased way, you'll soon find out that you're just a selfish evil needy animal,
and that you would even kill other human beings in the most brutal ways, just to be able to live another day
I mean most armies in history were made of way too many people for all of them to be psychopaths,
and most of these individuals killed,raped,tortured. They had the same brain that you have,
that means you have the potential to do that too.

Just like you look at a cockroach and you're like "Eeew that disgusting thing doesn't deserve to live forever" Well at least I think that when
I look at them, I don't know about you. Personally I wouldn't like to share my private heavenly world with cockroaches.
Some post-singularity being made of silicon from another planet looks at you from his telescope
and he thinks to himself "Eew those stupid repulsive carbon based human beings don't deserve an afterlife. They're completely useless. I wouldn't even want to eat them, let alone live with them in heaven"

Remember that the gurus on youtube that tell you about happiness after death, and the law of attraction and all of that bullshit
still need your earthly money for some reason
I mean if I believed in "heaven" I WOULDN't need your money
I would just kill myself and live in heaven
If I need your money, it's because I don't believe in heaven, I believe happiness is only here, on earth
Someone that really believes in heaven can't possibly need your money or even give any fucks to share
that knowledge with you

Can't you smell the bullshit, c'mon

edit

Technological singularity - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Antinatalism - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

But yeah no hard feelings, I fell for that bullshit too. And I believed in it for at leas 5-6 years.

 

[September5th]

Die, at least FOR ME. Imagine having an actual life and then regressing back to the good and old mediocrity? Yeah, it's better to be dead than to live so many years lost in this wasteland (alone, with no goals, etc). That's all I have to say.

By the way, if that's you on the picture, you do look good, man. We're just a bit alike XD

 

[Zzzzz]

100% death preferred for me. Fuck life if it isn't amazing almost every fucking day. My enjoyment is greatly outweighed by my suffering.

 

[anon00]

What would a successful life look like to you?

 

[DreamingOfAutumn]

If there was an afterlife you probably wouldn't like it
The odds of the afterlife being designed to make you happy and safe and comfortable would be lower

I like to cope with the idea of a potential afterlife which is free from at least most of the problems of this existence. Not exactly because I believe it's likely, but rather because it's a bit more comforting than the process of dying being the last thing one ever experiences. Logically I know that nonexistence can't hurt me, and that it's undoubtedly better than this life, however it's contrary to our survival instinct and inherent preference for continued existence. If I know that nonexistence isn't a bad thing then I don't see the harm in thinking about something which makes dying seem a little less scary.

Not directly related to the point you were making, but your post made me think about the topic. Regarding your post, I would tend to agree that the evidence around us suggests this life is all we'll ever experience. Which isn't wholly a bad thing I suppose, it certainly beats a bad afterlife.

 

[oceansapart]

honestly. all i want is to live simply until I die of some natural cause. i don't care if people know my name or i do great things. i want a job that i don't hate, don't care what it is, because even people with 'dream jobs' come to hate them eventually, and somewhere to live that is 100% mine, doesn't have to be a gold plated mansion. this is all i have ever wanted and yet all anyone wants to do is tell me that my purpose in life is to be impressive to others. i almost got to have it and i never will now and so i have to die

 

[peanuts]

Happy to live a mediocre life..? I'd hardly say mediocre = suffering. Or do I just have low standards?

 

[Grav]

Most people live an uneventful life by most standards. It's up to you if you want to have that existence or not. If you desire "greatness" you either have to try to achieve it or don't, most people "get there" through some kind of effort vs natural superiority.

 

[xo777]

If there was an afterlife you probably wouldn't like it
The odds of the afterlife being designed to make you happy and safe and comfortable would be lower
than the odds of me sticking a nail up my ass tomorrow

Every single good thing that you've ever experienced in your earthly life happened
either because you worked hard to get it, or someone else gave it to you, with their hard work
God/Nature never gave you anything that made you comfortable, you and other people that cared about you did that, and it wasn't free
It's stupid to think that the universe will just give you happiness for free after you die in some parallel world

Life is just a bunch of stupid animals eating grass or eating each other, and human beings
are just animals with fancier caves. If you remove electricity from our society, our caves aren't even that pretty anymore

If you look at a cockroach and ever feel disgusted and think to yourself that such a pathetic life form
could never deserve to have an afterlife experience, because he (it, the bug) wouldn't be of any use to that place,
remember that you and I both share dna with that "unworthy of heaven" being.
Cockroaches look for food, avoid predators, fight with each other for survival (Even eat each other, and human beings have done that too). and
have ton of sex to make babies (Eggs).
You can clearly see a pattern there
We are doing just what the cockroach is doing, except in a more "sophisticated" way
We hide from danger like the cockroach does etc...
due to our language and math abilities, longer life spans, better social networks and mastery over our enviornments
it almost looks like we are some sort of gods compared to animals, but if you really dissect your
mind in an unbiased way, you'll soon find out that you're just a selfish evil needy animal,
and that you would even kill other human beings in the most brutal ways, just to be able to live another day
I mean most armies in history were made of way too many people for all of them to be psychopaths,
and most of these individuals killed,raped,tortured. They had the same brain that you have,
that means you have the potential to do that too.

Just like you look at a cockroach and you're like "Eeew that disgusting thing doesn't deserve to live forever" Well at least I think that when
I look at them, I don't know about you. Personally I wouldn't like to share my private heavenly world with cockroaches.
Some post-singularity being made of silicon from another planet looks at you from his telescope
and he thinks to himself "Eew those stupid repulsive carbon based human beings don't deserve an afterlife. They're completely useless. I wouldn't even want to eat them, let alone live with them in heaven"

Remember that the gurus on youtube that tell you about happiness after death, and the law of attraction and all of that bullshit
still need your earthly money for some reason
I mean if I believed in "heaven" I WOULDN't need your money
I would just kill myself and live in heaven
If I need your money, it's because I don't believe in heaven, I believe happiness is only here, on earth
Someone that really believes in heaven can't possibly need your money or even give any fucks to share
that knowledge with you

Can't you smell the bullshit, c'mon

edit

Technological singularity - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Antinatalism - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

But yeah no hard feelings, I fell for that bullshit too. And I believed in it for at leas 5-6 years.

You are right nothingness is better than being in a place that would be more like hell. Shaking off what I learned in the catholic church but yeah now that I think about it I agree with you it's all bullshit there is no savior coming for us this is all we have. Someone had to break the news to me eventually. So there is just nothing next? Did you find it hard to accept at first also?

 

[GetMeOut]

indeed worthless. Being average means living being exploited all your life by those who are above average, not excelling at anything, meanwhile, just another ant. There is no meaning in that.

You speak like you're just another nauseating narcissist. Get some self-awareness, for the sake of any others who have to put up with you, if not your own.

 

[Deleted member 847]

You are right nothingness is better than being in a place that would be more like hell. Shaking off what I learned in the catholic church but yeah now that I think about it I agree with you it's all bullshit there is no savior coming for us this is all we have. Someone had to break the news to me eventually. So there is just nothing next? Did you find it hard to accept at first also?

Consider that I had a hanging attempt, so I've actually been on "the other side of the veil" so to speak.
I've heard so many stories about people "seeing tunnels of light, feeling loved by god", but I've had
none of that. My experience was literally just me being unconscious while my brain was dying.

It took me years to accept that my consciousness "my soul" wasn't important to the universe and
it would eventually be terminated. Even after having ceased to believe in Christianity by the time
I was 13, I still for a long time desired to find alternatives to that God that I didn't believe in anymore, so I looked into
the New Age and eastern philosophies.

And even nowadays I'm still fascinated about the possibility
of maybe a "materialist afterlife" being a thing, but I know it's just my wishful thinking
that pushes me to even look into it to begin with, while
knowing that such a thing is most likely not possible.

We don't know what's next, if eternal oblivion or some other reality,
but I'm betting on the fact that I'll just be a decomposing corpse after my death and you should too.

If death is nothingness, you have nothing to worry about. It's only feelings
that can hurt, and never their absence.

Feelings are the root of all problems and evils
If you destroyed every single brain in the world,
then there would be no more suffering

No Life No Pain :---)))))

 

[Messgram]

You speak like you're just another nauseating narcissist. Get some self-awareness, for the sake of any others who have to put up with you, if not your own.

if you really believe there is meaning in being mediocre/average its because you have no idea how the world and human nature works, in other words, you are the one lacking in self-awareness. Get off your high horse.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

One of the tell-tale signs of a narcissist is a dislike of "the mediocre". Only effortless brilliance (which doesn't actually exist) and the adulation of worthy others matters for anything. A normal life, normal things, average ability and achievements: all are worthless to the narcissist.

I don't have NPD but I do have some strongly narcissistic traits, but also good self-awareness, which is part of the reason I'm good at controlling them.

Mediocrity is not something to be liked.

 

[Deleted member 847]

if you really believe there is meaning in being mediocre/average its because you have no idea how the world and human nature works, in other words, you are the one lacking in self-awareness. Get off your high horse.

I'm one of those people living a "mediocre life". and I don't find it unbearable.
I don't understand what having a meaningful life even means, and I think I'm introspective enough as a person
(I know that altruism is a lie, I know that love is a lie, I know that God isn't real, society is just a bunch of
assholes selling shit to each other, for personal gratification, or praying/dominating on each other, for personal gratification. I think I've pretty much figured out
everything that's important about the chessboard and the game that's usually played on it).
Meaningful life has always meant "life that feels good" to me, and
I don't know what you think that a "meaningful life" is, but if your definition is the same as mine, or close enough,
trust me, a mediocre life isn't the worst thing that can happen to a human being.
Wanna hear something worse than a mediocre life? How about being homeless.
But I'm not saying it's worth it if you really can't tolerate it.

I literally don't have anything other than a roof over my head, meals and an internet connection.
No girlfriends, no wealth, no hot muscular body with sharp jawline (you can't even tell that I'm a guy if I don't cut my hair, skinny to the bone and baby faced),
I don't have any friends (social anxiety disorder). and I don't I've had any ever.
I only leave home to buy things, and
the only things I have are literally health and food.
Basically what you need to survive and not be miserable. I'm not having any of what you normies are having.
I don't get to go to parties, or whatever you normal people do to enjoy your time on this planet.
I'm not rich either, so I don't have many toys to play with.
I think my life qualifies as "mediocre" at least from my perspective.
Mediocre can mean different things to different individuals, it's completely arbitrary.

I can still find some value in this "mediocrity" because I can still have "positive experiences" from time to time, even
though they're rare. and most of my life is either boredom or stress.
I'm in survival mode almost all the time.

I do have a "background" hope that it won't have to be like this forever (I'm younger than OP and I can still go to college), so maybe that's what keeps me going.

Maybe if I had had a sip of what you guys seem to have had, I too would feel like jumping from a cliff.
Nah, probably not.

 

[Darkover]

if life not very good to you just leave this shit world behind

 

[Deleted member 847]

I like to cope with the idea of a potential afterlife which is free from at least most of the problems of this existence. Not exactly because I believe it's likely, but rather because it's a bit more comforting than the process of dying being the last thing one ever experiences. Logically I know that nonexistence can't hurt me, and that it's undoubtedly better than this life, however it's contrary to our survival instinct and inherent preference for continued existence. If I know that nonexistence isn't a bad thing then I don't see the harm in thinking about something which makes dying seem a little less scary.

Not directly related to the point you were making, but your post made me think about the topic. Regarding your post, I would tend to agree that the evidence around us suggests this life is all we'll ever experience. Which isn't wholly a bad thing I suppose, it certainly beats a bad afterlife.

Listen sweetheart even if you did get your "perfect afterlife" where you'd get to be an anime girl, a rich pop star or whatever else you're into,
don't you think you'd just become some glorified drug addict, a parasite that has to find/pray on a "target" which has "pleasure/vital energy" attached to it, and the target is valuable to you only because you're having a "need/discomfort" in the first place. That's what causes you to seek that pleasure, the emptiness inside, the lack of peace.
Do you really believe that you want to go "shopping" for pretty clothes forever? Wouldn't you eventually see a pattern in that, something that would disturb your inner peace? Don't you think it would all become so repetitive, and you'd understand at the end of the day that you're stuck in an endless loop of misery that you can't ever possibly escape, because all you ever do is seek the next high. And the next high should always be higher than the previous one for you to fully digest it. Would that reality be any better than just not being a need-of-pleasure machine in the first place? Last night when you went to sleep, did you really your dreamless hours that much?

You could've done in them some more "running away from the monster" or "eating cake with my friends", you know some of that stuff you do in these dreams that you usually have when you're in REM sleep. Do you think running away from monsters and eating cakes forever makes any goddamn fucking sense, instead of it all just being a madhouse that you're too addicted towards to even realize how crazy everything really is, and how it would've been way better if you were never put in it in the first place, instead of being given a "premium" position in it. You've been seduced by it, seduced by the apple of pleasure, to the point that you even believe that it makes a lot of sense to be an apple eating worm forever. You'd probably be very upset one day if you found out, in the course of your eternal life, that God is running out of money, and he can't pay for the infrastructure of the afterlife anymore. The servers have to be shut down. You'd get angry at God and fight him in every possible way to give you back your apples. You're a feeder, and you don't wholeheartedly realize that feeding only makes sense if you get hungry first. There's no need for apples if there is no hunger. To solve the problem permanently you have to make yourself "untouchable" by hunger, instead of always doing the repetitive rituals that the hunger demands you to do such as eating an apple, and then eating some more apples. If you just got rid of the thing that causes you hunger in the first place, your parasitical consciousness, you wouldn't have to be a slave to apples anymore, and by doing so you will have actually foun the peace that you were looking for all along. The irony in that is that you can only be happy when you're not around. The moment you're around, there goes your happiness, and the hero's journey begins again. (But don't kill yourself because of this post, seriously, this is just some stupid meme written by a jackass with a cheap unoriginal nickname)

If you had a pleasant afterlife you'd basically be moving in circles for eternity, doing nothing of value, just dancing and singing, getting bored, then dancing and singing again, forever. All stories have been written, and they're all just reiterations of Shakespeare, from Jurassic Park to the Godfather to Schindler's list. It's the same go from point a of discomfort to point b of relief, then repeat bullshit in all of these movies. You could literally write a story with just a few words: Man gets thirsty, man goes to vending machine and buys himself soda. There. The story wouldn't have worked if I didn't make the man move towards a goal. If I just say man and vending machine, there is no movement, no point b, hence there is no living going on. Point A discomfort appears, must go to point B to alleviate discomfort. Then you're back at point A again and you have to repeat that shit all over again for eternity to live your paradise. Remember that eternity isn't just a billion years, is a 1 with as many zeros on white papers to fill up the entire surfaces of all the planets and stars of the whole observable universe. Your consciousness just isn't designed to be happy. Your consciousness is
a goal striving mechanism (to quote dr.Maxwell Maltz). You never get to save the day from the monster that disrupts the peace and tranquility, because the next day some other monster reappears.
There will always some metaphorical or palpable monster praying on you and your comfort.
You can't escape entropy. Entropy/disorder is the default state of existence, and every thing must return to it.
"For dust you are and to dust you shall return" Genesis 3:19.
I don't even believe in God, but the bible does have some pearls when it comes to aphorisms.

I want you to visualize something more realistic than an afterlife for a moment. I know you're a sophisticated girl, I can tell from your vocabulary, so you probably know something about the Kardashev Scale, right? The aliens (probably robots) with fancier toys than us peasants, the human beings. They basically know how to extract energy from all the stars from the galaxy in which they live, while we, the slow organic human beings, are still running our global society on fossil fuels. We can't even extract energy from most of our planet, let alone the entire sun, or the whole galaxy. These aliens are literally god compared to us, they have all the wealth in the universe, all the gold,houses, sex and glory anyone could ever get from a universe and a brain. If there was a "right way" to live life, a perfect strategy, then it must be the life of these colossally successful aliens. They literally own every thing in the galaxy, from stars to minerals, to "dream-mental states" that they can recreate through the use of advanced full dive VR technology. They're immortal because they inhabit synthetic bodies that can be repaired, which act as servers for their digital consciousnesses, and they spend most of their time (when they're not working, although I'm sure most of the work would be done by slaves, robots with no free will) playing virtual reality games, which are akin to a perfect metaphysical afterlife, except more feasible, worlds where they get to be God and do whatever the fuck they want all day: from being an anime girl to socially unacceptably eat aborted babies and robbing virtual banks, doing some rape and murder in them first, of course, because it's fun and prohibited. Every experience, every sensation, you name it, the have it. Their virtual lives are made of pleasurable days, where everything is happening according to a script that makes sure the player-consciousness is not feeling more stress than it has to feel to achieve a state of "acceptable challenge". To not make things too boring, you must have some pain and discomfort, but obviously nobody needs to be burned alive and then have their consciousness permanently deleted for that to happen, which is what may happen in our imperfect world, losing some of your galactic credits at the galactic casino will do the trick of "being challenged" just fine. Their video game-lives only have enough pain in them to make their lives still interesting but not too boring, melancholic and monotonous. These aliens have milked everything that life had to offer, in its most advanced state. They have access to all the knowledge in the universe and they can recreate every single experience that could ever be felt by any sentient living being. They have absolutely nothing to look forward to, except one thing, one undeniable truth of their condition of being a living being in the thermodynamic universe that we all (fancy alien or peasant human) have to face: they're not immortal heroes, they're mortal parasites feeding on things to survive and/or just feel good, like the selfish bastards that they are (they probably had to go to war to some aliens that wanted some of that sunlight too, and they did some rape and pillage to keep the apples to themselves, because living being like to own) and their host is dying, is rotting away. Eventually all the apples (Stars) in the universe will
rot away. There will be no more apples, no more stars. Eventually even our God will have to succumb to termination.
You can't be a drug addict forever, God!

I hope you enjoyed this meme, although I've probably made some grammatical mistakes.


Anyway I'm posting this shit, my computer is lagging and I don't feel like correcting the text.

 

[Forgetting5]

I think you're comparing yourself to what's supposed to be a "successful" life. Which objectively theres no such thing. What one person thinks is a good life another would hate. Its mostly a societal delusion and is about elitism/some being better than others but were all the same in the end

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I only want to be mentally healthy. Feel safe. Being able to enjoy life.
I never was mentally healthy.
Life is very hard. And it became increasingly harder due my mental illness and mistakes that I made due to it.
I never wanted to be a celebrity or ultrarich person, only wanted feel accepted, safe and comfortable in my body.

 

[ornitier199]

Die
(for me)

 

[wanttodie]

die

 

[Ligottian]

I've done too much to turn back, and I've done too much to go on. I guess in the end it all catches up with you. My grandpa asked me one time if I care whether I live or die. Yeah, I do. Now it's too late. -Caine.

Yo, what's up now, podna?!

 

[Coffeandamug]

I just would like to thank everyone for taking the time to reply. I am very conflicted, as my inicial post showed and I was really looking foward to read a variety of points of view on the matter. And, thankfully, that's what happend. Some comments seemed a little harsh but I don't mind. I'd rather you be honest than not truly speaking your mind. Even if it sounds harsh, I will always make the effort to listen and to understand a concerned reply. That's why I am here. On the other hand, I also want to thank those who made the extra effort to be kind. You all have been very helpful.

 

[meetapple]

If by mediocre life you mean one in which you don't feel as valued as everyone else for whatever reason then it depends on how much you value pleasure versus dignity. If pleasure is important enough to you to put up with a feeling of being not valued then it is enough to be mediocre.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If I had a mediocre life, I doubt I'd be planning to ctb. I doubt I'd even be on SS discussing this.

 

[user48]

if your profile picture is you, you don't look that bad.
yes you have a small jaw, but that doesn't mean you're ugly

Look at it this way:
Mediocre life = Can still give you some pleasure. It can give you ice cream.
Death =
View attachment 93898

Don't kill yourself, you don't have a real problem

you can kill yourself when you're old and crippled, live your mediocre life first
it still has value. Death doesn't have any value, it's just nothingness.
You're giving a dollar (your life) for 0 cents (nonexistence, death),
it doesn't make any sense economically

you can still make decent money without college,
take a course or something

if you can teach yourself a skill that people have a demand for, you will make money

That was weirdly inspirational

 

[mayHeCurseUsAll]

Not that anyone asked but I want to respond to what I believe to be the general sentiment of the answers on this post as well as OP's question.

I think it is utterly meaningless to define any sort of measure that is supposed to represent the likelihood of the existence of objects which by their very definition are not bound by the known physical laws of the universe, here 'existence' would have to mean in a non-physical sense. Beyond that are questions of accessibility of such objects to consciousness. This is even beyond measuring the likelihood of such objects 'existence' because we would need to first have a complete understanding , and thus a total definition of 'consciousness', and then we would need to say what we mean by 'accessible', if we want to talk about whether 'afterlife', or 'parallel universe' is 'accessible' to consciousness. These are questions that are way beyond any one human mind currently living and even beyond any group of human minds currently living and so far always have been.

There are simpler unanswered questions that are possible to solve concretely because the questions only involve well-defined concepts, e.g. unanswered deep questions in pure mathematics. I think it is a little silly to even worry about questions that have yet to be formulated precisely owing to a lack of human understanding of something existentially fundamental (e.g. consciousness).

As for mediocrity being a good reason to end ones life, I would answer in the following way: The question is formulated in a way that is almost ironic. It seems like you are almost aware that we often suffer due to our (humans) usually eventually unavoidable urge to compare. We only know we are not doing 'well' when we realize other people are. What does this mean? It means we put stock into valuing things based on what most people seem to value. What about trying to ascribe your own value to things? Maybe that would even answer your own question. Something is a good reason or a bad reason is another value judgement up to the individual, philosophically speaking, it is up to you.

All this is not to undermine anyone's source of suffering or the legitimacy of it. I believe you must be suffering since you are on a forum like this in the first place. I hope nothing I said came across too harshly.