No. I feel much of the same. But it has to happen to people who either deserve it or thrive in all the aspects of life that I was starved of. (I wouldn't want a homeless man to slip on a penny, in other words.)
I mean, why would I give a shit if something bad happened to others, when most of my life has been worse than bad? It would be so disingenuous of me to deny the certain apathies and malignancies that this suffering has so kindly afforded me. It is rotting me, but not without good reason.
I cannot be happy for other people when I never got to experience happiness of my own, and I shouldn't have to be. Especially with the lack of said happiness being in due part to some of these fuckers, and a physical situation out of my control.
Personally I wish onto those around me, my own suffering, my exact Hell, I wish for them to experience what I have and feel it, I wish for them to understand and to beg for death, only to never be obliged. Yes, I want many people to suffer, including my own relatives ..but I wouldn't get any enjoyment out of it, only a small sense of vengeance being accomplished, a balancing of the scale.
Envy is just a symptom of not having something someone else does. If you have no means to get that thing and being without it affects your life so negatively, there is nothing to do about the envy. I don't think jealousy or envy are things to reprimand or shame people for experiencing. It makes perfect sense to be bitter and longing toward something you cannot have while being forced to witness others basking in it. I mean it's basically torture on top of lacking.
