Help is it bad i want to get worse again?

[lani.<3]

i want to have cuts all over me but i'm 2 months clean woo!. I just want it to get worse again this sounds weird but i like feeling bad in the head i like having negative thoughts i like being sad i find comfort in it maybe its because its all i ever know feeling this ive felt this way maybe since i was 11 maybe 10 i dont know i dont remember much of my childhood but i dont like being happy i do a little bit but its a weird feeling i dont like it but i also want to get better i want to see my nephew and nieces get older i want to be there for them but also at the same time if somebody said to me "You could die instantly if you just say yes" i would say yes in a heartbeat. what the fuck is wrong with me? i want to get better and dont? huh

 

[mortuarymary]

Elastic band lovely. Flick it against the skin. Slight ache but it worked for me.

 

[lani.<3]

Elastic band lovely. Flick it against the skin. Slight ache but it worked for me.

ive tried is the first thing therapists usually recommends to me does not work

 

[cgrtt.brns]

props to you for being 2 months clean! ik from experience its fucking hard to do. i can relate to being torn between getting better and wanting to be worse. for me at least, i think its bc i feel like i deserve to be worse, that i dont deserve to get better, bc of self esteem issues and also like you said bc of comfort, its familiar and all ive known for a long time. ive seen some say they feel that way bc they think its the only way theyll be worthy of getting help, like they have to be at rock bottom for anyone to give a shit, which obviously everyone is worthy of getting help no matter how much theyre struggling, but i can definitely relate to feeling like no one sees or cares until ur in crisis. from what ive seen theres quite a few others who feel similar here, so ur not alone in feeling this way. whether its bad or not kinda is up to you, if its smthn getting in the way of u getting better and you feel like thats a bad thing then it may be smthn to try and work on. how to do that is smthn im yet to figure out lol. either way i hope this made sense and maybe helped, and i wish you all the best

 

[lani.<3]

props to you for being 2 months clean! ik from experience its fucking hard to do. i can relate to being torn between getting better and wanting to be worse. for me at least, i think its bc i feel like i deserve to be worse, that i dont deserve to get better, bc of self esteem issues and also like you said bc of comfort, its familiar and all ive known for a long time. ive seen some say they feel that way bc they think its the only way theyll be worthy of getting help, like they have to be at rock bottom for anyone to give a shit, which obviously everyone is worthy of getting help no matter how much theyre struggling, but i can definitely relate to feeling like no one sees or cares until ur in crisis. from what ive seen theres quite a few others who feel similar here, so ur not alone in feeling this way. whether its bad or not kinda is up to you, if its smthn getting in the way of u getting better and you feel like thats a bad thing then it may be smthn to try and work on. how to do that is smthn im yet to figure out lol. either way i hope this made sense and maybe helped, and i wish you all the best

Thankyou you alot and yea nobody really notice my mental health until it's really bad

 

[sincerely dead]

I understanding finding beauty in the sadness, poetry in the pain. I get it. I've definitely done some of my best thinking and most creative work in bouts of depression. However, I think that there is a very fine line here. Suffering is incredibly horrifying and I think that we can so easily forget just how bad a feeling is when we're out of it. I don't know, but I'm venturing to guess you don't actually want to feel the suffering. Please don't take this in the wrong way as I am not saying it with negative connotation, but is it possible you are missing the attention that comes along with being down bad? Physical scars represent the depth of how much we're hurting, and perhaps it's comforting because it is a tangible way of expressing the hurt. It's not a broken leg, it's not a missing limb. Depression doesn't have a look, mental pain doesn't physically show itself. The cuts may represent your desperation for help; your deep desire to be seen. Is it possible that that's really what you're looking for?

I understand it if that is the case. It isn't wrong to want to feel seen and loved just as you are. Perhaps investing your energy in people/friendships that make you feel important could be a better form of self care than cutting yourself. There are people who will love and care about you, even if you are not actively in a spell of self harm. You deserve for people to know your story and know your pain without actively being in it.

So often we're told it's okay to not be okay. And it's true.

But also: it's okay to be okay. Perhaps we don't hear that enough.

 

[lani.<3]

I don't think it's so much the attention because like I had anything with old self harm stuff in public when it was bad like therapists took me seriously I like looking at the cuts I like the feeling I don't like when my scars fading it's like all my cuts was for nothing
I don't think it's so much the attention because like I had anything with old self harm stuff in public when it was bad like therapists took me seriously I like looking at the cuts

 

[mswhite]

There's something comforting about seeing the scares. I've never felt bad about myself- I just have times of depression when I feel bad and overwhelmed and heavy and emotional pain and I can't even name why. SH stops my thoughts from racing. Seeing the physical scars help me know the emotions are real.

Does that make sense? Is there another way to make the invisible scars visible?

 

[lani.<3]

There's something comforting about seeing the scares. I've never felt bad about myself- I just have times of depression when I feel bad and overwhelmed and heavy and emotional pain and I can't even name why. SH stops my thoughts from racing. Seeing the physical scars help me know the emotions are real.

Does that make sense? Is there another way to make the invisible scars visible?

Yea I get that self harm does help me a lot