Is getting a better job to afford my own apartment, so I can cut myself unrestricted in it, good motivation?

[Minas]

The more I try to be "normal" and engage in other activities, like art, the more I start to miss the life I had, where I was planning how to die everyday and kept myself busy with a blade. But I never had the privilege of going deeper, as I didn't want my mom to throw a tantrum over it and kick me out.

It's just... I don't feel like I am happy building myself. I don't feel happy with a creative spark. I actually feel more worthless than ever, it doesn't feels like what I have to show the world deserves to be seen. So why focus on it? Why not get back to my old life and just focus on punishing myself? It felt like I had more of a purpose back then. I feel like a poser, like I'm only delaying the inevitable. This doesn't feels like something that should be happening to someone like me, y'know? "Art" doesn't feels like me. Getting myself punished does.

What should I do? I don't even know if I enjoy anything "positive" I do. Even video games feel more like a distraction than true pleasure, just a reason for me to not get back to cutting myself rather than true fun. Art more or less feels the same way...

 

[fadedghost]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

Can you punish yourself by forcing yourself to do community service, like volunteering at a homeless shelter or delivering meals to people with illnesses? Assign yourself hours to do each time you're angry at yourself?

 

[Minas]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

Can you punish yourself by forcing yourself to do community service, like volunteering at a homeless shelter or delivering meals to people with illnesses? Assign yourself hours to do each time you're angry at yourself?

I guess I could? But I would cease to exist as myself... unless you're suggesting I stop trying to salvage anything "personal' and trying to build it into a person? Would that be good in your opinion?

 

[fadedghost]

I guess I could? But I would cease to exist as myself... unless you're suggesting I stop trying to salvage anything "personal' and trying to build it into a person? Would that be good in your opinion?

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy won't change your personality. It's more like "best strategies" for coping with an incredibly emotional personality.

Many people who take DBT cut, or have emotional stuff going on. It was invented by Marsha Linahan, who herself was a mess for a while, and possibly still deals with stuff...

Check it out, but try to do the groups with other people, not just a DBT therapist, because the group aspect tends to help people for whatever reason.

 

[Minas]

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy won't change your personality. It's more like "best strategies" for coping with an incredibly emotional personality.

Many people who take DBT cut, or have emotional stuff going on. It was invented by Marsha Linahan, who herself was a mess for a while, and possibly still deals with stuff...

Check it out, but try to do the groups with other people, not just a DBT therapist, because the group aspect tends to help people for whatever reason.

I was talking about the homeless and servicing stuff.

I had a therapist... he was nice. But for some reason the hospital was cutting budgets or something and they transfered me to someone else on the other side of the city. I don't want that to repeat itself. It hurted.

 

[fadedghost]

Helping out homeless people and community service, while nice, isn't exactly fun. If you want to punish yourself in way that's actually both annoying/painful and is helpful to others, community service is a better way than cutting. You may also feel better afterwards. It's pretty hard to fuck up community service. Just show up and help out. There's no wrong way to deliver food to people who are homebound as a result of illness (except to not show up with the food or not volunteer) and there's no wrong way to sort produce donations at a local food bank.

 

[Minas]

Helping out homeless people and community service, while nice, isn't exactly fun. If you want to punish yourself in way that's actually both annoying/painful and is helpful to others, community service is a better way than cutting. You may also feel better afterwards. It's pretty hard to fuck up community service. Just show up and help out.

Could i spend my whole life doing this instead? What if I just... want to forget that whatever happened to me happen and maybe forget that I existed? You think focusing on these things would help?

Still... it wouldn't change who I am on the inside. It never would. It wouldn't change my core. But maybe it's better than nothing.

 

[fadedghost]

Could i spend my whole life doing this instead? What if I just... want to forget that whatever happened to me happen and maybe forget that I existed? You think focusing on these things would help?

Still... it wouldn't change who I am on the inside. It never would. It wouldn't change my core. But maybe it's better than nothing.

You could always try it and see how it goes.