The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Future corpse
May 20, 2023
330
I'm becoming more convinced with each passing day that we are all part of some sick, twisted shitshow.
I was born to a narcissistic Mother, and a paedophile stepfather. I was bullied all through school. I Began suffering from clinical depression age 7. I have been cheated on, and betrayed by all of my so-called friends and partners for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.
Basically the VAST majority of my life has been one of suffering, often immense suffering.
WHY ? Why is this. I am not a bad person. I am kind hearted, and have never intentionally hurt others. So why have I suffered all my life, when I deserve NONE of it ?
You see most of the bad people out there, they are often happy and successful. They treat others like garbage, kill, rape, steal. Yet in the vast majority of cases nothing bad happens to them in return.

Maybe these evil ones are all part of the game. Whatever sick fuck created us, god, aliens, whatever, has put these evil ones here to torment us. And also messed up our lives from the very day we were born by giving us certain illnesses. Or giving us genetic predisposition to future illnesses.

I think I am on the verge of completely losing my mind. I'm beginning to truly believe that we are all in some form of hell.
 
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not_actually_human

not_actually_human

so unsafe. so angry.
Nov 12, 2022
28
I'm pretty much getting this from briefly dabbling into hinduism/vedas, for what it's worth (a lot to me personally owing to my experiences, unfortunately).
 
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The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Future corpse
May 20, 2023
330
I'm pretty much getting this from briefly dabbling into hinduism/vedas, for what it's worth (a lot to me personally owing to my experiences, unfortunately).
I was really into Buddhism, raja yoga, and samatha concentration meditation for a few years. I had a negative kundalini experience that messed me up. And yes, there is a lot of heavy stuff in Hinduism.
 
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not_actually_human

not_actually_human

so unsafe. so angry.
Nov 12, 2022
28
I picked up meditation for a very short period many years back and I've been convinced the whole time that it played a part in exposing my wounds I had better not poked at. Whether true or not, the thought of going within like that again is terrifying. I imagine that a kundalini experience without adequate aid to regulate you must be horrible. I'm so sorry.
Hinduism, particularly Jyotish, however superficially I attempted to look into it, offered underlying reality that explains everything that's wrong with this world.

I have some experience with spirituality - no intense sadhana or anything close to that. The outcome was dramatic and there's little information out there to support and echo my experience, the magnitude of it. It's the lone thread that prevents me from concluding it my job done here and ending it. I feel the need to look for more evidence, I atleast anticipate/sense that it will be a short wait.
 
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The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Future corpse
May 20, 2023
330
I picked up meditation for a very short period many years back and I've been convinced the whole time that it played a part in exposing my wounds I had better not poked at. Whether true or not, the thought of going within like that again is terrifying. I imagine that a kundalini experience without adequate aid to regulate you must be horrible. I'm so sorry.
Hinduism, particularly Jyotish, however superficially I attempted to look into it, offered underlying reality that explains everything that's wrong with this world.

I have some experience with spirituality - no intense sadhana or anything close to that. The outcome was dramatic and there's little information out there to support and echo my experience, the magnitude of it. It's the lone thread that prevents me from concluding it my job done here and ending it. I feel the need to look for more evidence, I atleast anticipate/sense that it will be a short wait.
Yes, going deep within is definitely not good for some of us, and it can definitely be terrifying. I thought that taking up these practices would help me overcome my trauma.
In reality it made me worse.
Thankfully I managed to ground myself over time as regards the kundalini. It took me around 18 months to feel somewhat ok again.
Unfortunately there are a lot of things that have been hidden from us. And finding out the real truth, as you say is difficult.
So sorry that you also had a frightening experience. These experiences can be immensely powerful.
I hope you find what you are looking for, and that the outcome is a helpful one.
 
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kwho

kwho

Student
Apr 29, 2023
111
You see most of the bad people out there, they are often happy and successful. They treat others like garbage, kill, rape, steal. Yet in the vast majority of cases nothing bad happens to them in return.
Being succesful and nothing bad happening to you is not the same as happiness. I don't think any of them is happy. I've yet to see an "evil", "bad" person happy. Satisfied, at most. And even that is short-lived.
They also live in hell, a different kind of hell, but it is, in my view, even a much worse one.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Existence is a nightmare
Sep 24, 2020
23,369
I just think that existence is the most tragic and unfortunate consequence of evolution, there is no other meaning or purpose behind all the suffering, it’s true that this world is such a hellish and repulsive place, the existence of life is just a horrifying mistake to me, and it’s a cruel punishment to have the ability to exist here.

I think that often humans create theories for the way that existence because the fact that they suffer meaninglessly all for nothing is too difficult for them to bear. I believe we are just waiting until death erases everything for us, existing is just a futile process of slowly dying, but it’s truly devastating how so much unnecessary agony exists here, life never should have existed.
 
Gonnerr

Gonnerr

At the end of our days, we'll escape, finally.
Mar 12, 2023
369
Yes , that's why we should have the right to die. Any adult with sound mind should be allowed to have assisted suicide when they request it following a strict protocol , mental or physical illness or not.
 
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demuic

demuic

Life was a mistake
Sep 12, 2020
1,383
Of course it is. Existence itself is suffering constantly only to perpetuate more and more suffering over and over. Every aspect of nature itself is evidence of this. The only ones who can say otherwise are those happily perpetuating suffering themselves or callously asserting that it doesn't matter because it didn't happen to them. The only mercy that exists in life is the knowledge is that it will eventually end.
 
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
3,419
I guess it depends on whether you believe there is a God/ creator/ an intention behind all of this. If so- then yes- I can't see how it's not a sadistic game. I guess some of the more optimistic religious/ spiritual people would say it's all for a reason- but- God knows what... literally only God knows- I can't fathom a good reason for it all.

If it's all just chance though- then- no- nothing is out to persecute you. The universe doesn't give a shit about any of us. It's just down to fate as to what we encounter. Depends on what you believe I suppose...
 
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O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
580
“If you want a safe compass to guide you through life, and to banish all doubt as to the right way of looking at it, you cannot do better than accustom yourself to regard this world as a penitentiary... • If you accustom yourself to this view of life you will regulate your expectations accordingly, and cease to look upon all its disagreeable incidents, great and small, its sufferings, its worries, its misery, as anything unusual or irregular; nay, you will find that everything is as it should be, in a world where each of us pays the penalty of existence in his own peculiar way.”

― Arthur Schopenhauer, On the Sufferings of the World.
 
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The anhedonic one

The anhedonic one

Future corpse
May 20, 2023
330
“If you want a safe compass to guide you through life, and to banish all doubt as to the right way of looking at it, you cannot do better than accustom yourself to regard this world as a penitentiary... • If you accustom yourself to this view of life you will regulate your expectations accordingly, and cease to look upon all its disagreeable incidents, great and small, its sufferings, its worries, its misery, as anything unusual or irregular; nay, you will find that everything is as it should be, in a world where each of us pays the penalty of existence in his own peculiar way.”

― Arthur Schopenhauer, On the Sufferings of the World.
I love this guy, and also Thomas Ligotti: conspiracy against the human race.
 
GreyCTB

GreyCTB

Member
Aug 26, 2022
96
"It is true that primitive man is powerless against some of the things that threaten him; disease for example. But he can accept the risk of disease stoically. It is part of the nature of things, it is no one's fault, unless it is the fault of some imaginary, impersonal demon. But threats to the modern individual tend to be man-made. They are not the results of chance but are imposed on him by other persons whose decisions he, as an individual, is unable to influence. Consequently he feels frustrated, humiliated and angry"
 
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telro

telro

I'm just tired
May 21, 2023
50
If there is some god or greater being, then I would believe that Earth is some sort of punishment. Claiming god or gods are omnibenevolent doesn't match up with the observations we can make in the real world. I'm personally an atheist though, so I just see the universe as being indifferent. We exist for no reason. In my view, we don't exist to be tortured, but we also don't exist for our own enjoyment; we just factually exist
 
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