Funny Prison Stories

[DTA]

I know, I go on and on about prison. Please forgive me. It was a major part of my life.
Earlier tonight I was sharing some humorous stories with a friend about things that happened in prison. When people are that depressed and confined some crazy things happen. People always think of prison violence but they don't realize that funny things happen there too! So I thought I'd try to lighten the mood here by starting this thread and sharing some of those stories.
I'll share one now and if anyone is interested I'll add some more. Maybe others here might have their own funny prison stories to share!
Let's see where this goes!
This happened when I was in jail awaiting trial. The conditions were horrid. We were all kept in 25' X 50' "tanks" which were each rated for 22 men but generally had 25-30 with the extras on cots. The building was literally falling apart around us. Something had happened in another part of the jail and the warden put the whole jail on 24-hour lockdown for over a year. No recreation, library, or chapel services. No windows either; just bars where the guards could look in. The lockdown was only lifted by court order after someone sued.
One day a group of 8 guys were working out in the tank. At one point they had formed two columns as they did butterfly kicks on the floor with their legs facing each other.
I was squirrelly as hell and realized there was enough room between their flailing legs for me to walk through. I stepped between the 2 columns and, doing my best Paul Lynde impersonation, began to sing an impromptu musical number. I quickly ran out of lyrics but somebody else joined me and began singing "The French Mistake" from Blazing Saddles. I and a number of other prisoners joined in song and dance while the inmates working out tried to ignore us and continued with their kicks.
Before we knew it there was a whole musical going on. The guards heard a commotion and came running. I can only imagine what the scene looked like to them! They walked off shaking their heads and we all had a good laugh. Voila!
Share your stories if you have some and if anyone is interested I'll post some more!

 

[trying ungracefully]

I'm glad there were moments of joy while you were there. Terrible conditions but at least the people in there can find community together, even though I know it's not all good.

 

[COP2CON]

Here, our yard is a max security yard so expanded metal and steel walls, lots a razor wire and just concrete ground with 1 basketball goal. In the early days before we got more people here, like 5 or 6 of us went out for yard. We had two basketballs, both partially deflated to the point you could grab them one handed. It was then I had a stroke of genius. After some talking it was all set up.


Thus the first ever game of dodgeball occurred here.


Its a max facility so eventually a perimeter car drove by and slammed on its brakes thinking we were fighting/rioting. Once the CO realized what we were doing, she yelled out we were all dumbasses and drove on.


Still to this day CO's talk about it. I may die here but I have a legacy by God.

 

[DTA]

Here, our yard is a max security yard so expanded metal and steel walls, lots a razor wire and just concrete ground with 1 basketball goal. In the early days before we got more people here, like 5 or 6 of us went out for yard. We had two basketballs, both partially deflated to the point you could grab them one handed. It was then I had a stroke of genius. After some talking it was all set up.


Thus the first ever game of dodgeball occurred here.


Its a max facility so eventually a perimeter car drove by and slammed on its brakes thinking we were fighting/rioting. Once the CO realized what we were doing, she yelled out we were all dumbasses and drove on.


Still to this day CO's talk about it. I may die here but I have a legacy by God.

I love that!
The closest we ever came to that was a game called Ball Nuts. Two players would face each other while sitting on chairs in their cells. You had to sit in your chair with your legs spread. Then the baller would try to hit you in the nuts with a handball by throwing it from his cell, across the run, and into yours. It had to bounce on the floor at least once to count and he got more points the more times it bounced. But if it didn't hit you in the nuts he got no points. After that it was your turn to hit him and so on.
@COP2CON
Sorry you're on a max yard too. That 23 and 1 shit is really awful. It's kinda nice at first to have privacy if you're in a solo cell but it wears on you. I found drawing and writing helped a lot. That's how I got into doing flash art for the tattoo guys later on. For laughs I also drew eyes all over one wall of my cell and wrote "Who is John Galt?" all over. Just to mess with the COs.
When I finally wound up on a low yard I almost fell over from vertigo. I hadn't seen the outdoors in so long that the perspective made me dizzy!

 

[COP2CON]

I love that!
The closest we ever came to that was a game called Ball Nuts. Two players would face each other while sitting on chairs in their cells. You had to sit in your chair with your legs spread. Then the baller would try to hit you in the nuts with a handball by throwing it from his cell, across the run, and into yours. It had to bounce on the floor at least once to count and he got more points the more times it bounced. But if it didn't hit you in the nuts he got no points. After that it was your turn to hit him and so on.
@COP2CON
Sorry you're on a max yard too. That 23 and 1 shit is really awful. It's kinda nice at first to have privacy if you're in a solo cell but it wears on you. I found drawing and writing helped a lot. That's how I got into doing flash art for the tattoo guys later on. For laughs I also drew eyes all over one wall of my cell and wrote "Who is John Galt?" all over. Just to mess with the COs.
When I finally wound up on a low yard I almost fell over from vertigo. I hadn't seen the outdoors in so long that the perspective made me dizzy!

I'm in a max camp but my unit is special so we are out from like 5AM to 9PM. No law library, classes/programs, haircuts from barbers, or anything any other regular inmate gets but at least we arn't locked down like they initially tried. Hell, we son even get to go to the chow hall, they bring us trays. Used to be our doors never closed which was good and bad. We never played nut ball here but we did a version of badminton, general catch with a baseball made out of soap and a sock, and we made a Frisbee out of a plate underneath a light we broke off.

So another story.....back in the early days before anyone cared about anything, our conditions were hellacious. I mean now, if most of you saw my unit you would think it was terrible but it was truly bad when I first got here. Anyways, I spend years in county waiting for court stuff. The county I was in didn't allow smoking or ecigs. Well neither did this DOC but when I got sentenced and sent here, contraband was flowing and you could get literally anything. Most drugs were cheaper in here than on the street.

I do not partake in drugs and never have but I love to smoke cigarettes. Well we had a problem with making fire in those early days. We had no accessible outlets for socket poppers and no one wanted to buy a lighter. We used to pay a dude in another dorm to roll and light a wick made of toilet paper and we would fish across the building with line made from ripped sheets. He would secure the wick to our line and we'd pull like hell to get it back before it went out. It used to cost one ramen noodle per light.

So enterprising COP2CON decides he's going to find a way to make fire in his unit. I was never able to do the battery and staple method either so that left like no options. Everything was in disrepair here and they left all the cells open all the time even if there wasn't anyone in them. So one cell had the wire from the light ripped out and hanging down the wall. I touched it and it had power but I didn't get a shock, just like a low voltage buzz in my fingers. When I touched the hot and the neutral together, I got the faintest of spark.

I spent hours in that nasty abandoned cell trying to make fire with literally the tiniest spark you could imagine. It never would work so my next bright idea was the wires hung down until about a quarter of an inch from the sink. I decided to attach an unfolded staple from a magazine to the hot wire with the intention of grounding it out on the sink. COP2CON was never very smart....

Anyway, I get it set up and YOLO that shit. What was reported by my dorm mates was a loud explosion like a 12 gauge shotgun going off. The entire cell emitted a blinding white then blue light for a fraction of a second. COP2CON comes out of the cell covering his eyes yelling "im blind!!!!" and almost falls over the second story rail.

My sight and hearing did come back but alas after all the effort, still no fire was made. All the toilet paper I had put around the spot got blown away by the explosion and none caught on fire. I gave up. Eventually a few of us go outlets put in our cells so it wasn't an issue after that but the moral of the story is you at some point will do dumb shit in prison, really dumb shit.

 

[maggineko]

Really amusing! I'm sorry to hear that the living conditions are so terrible, but it's wonderful to know that even a bit of happiness can show up! Hope you're doing well now

 

[DTA]

Another funny event is one called "The Moon Shot."
There was a gay autistic guy named B who used to follow me around a lot since he was crushing on me. Decent guy in small doses, but he could wear on your patience.
One day I was talking to a friend about how I had tried to let B down gently and how I really didn't want to have to get mean with him. My friend recommended the moon shot.
So later that day after lunch when B was following me I spotted my friend Lunchbox outside our dorm unit and decided to try it. I went up to Lunchbox and started "orbiting" him. Just walking a circle around him over and over and not saying anything. After a moment Lunchbox asked what the fuck I was doing. B said to Lunchbox that I was being really weird. That was my chance! As soon as Lunchbox engaged with B I burned off to my cell in the dorm. Never said a word.
About 20 minutes later Lunchbox came to my cell and just said, "You son of a bitch!" then left!

 

[StoneCactus]

Depending on whether or not I get caught, what kind of plea bargain I get if I'm indicted, and what the judge thinks of my presentence investigation and what they had for breakfast that day there's a decent chance I could be going to prison for a a year or three, although I could get probation and jail time if things work out. I'm convinced I'm going to be killed or worse in prison since I'm Jewish (and have a Jewish last name and look the part so there's no hiding it) and the white supremacist gangs run everything in Arizona. This is a large portion of why I want to CTB.

 

[Forveleth]

Not mine, but a friend became the cell block cook while he was in. Got paid to make cakes for people's birthdays, that kind of thing. Man could make you anything with an iron and a microwave. He got cornered by a huge dude and thought he was about to have a very bad time when all the guy wanted was a crispy taco bowl. Apparently this happened more than once. He kept getting jumpscared by huge dudes and gang members, thinking he was about to get pummeled when they would hold out food and ask him to make a really good meal.

 

[COP2CON]

A few pics because prison is crazy so you find ways for everything. First is my socket popper and its how I make fire. Just plug both pieces in, a little flick of the wrist and some toilet paper, and bam! Fire. There are much more fancy versions but I'm lazy and this works and takes about 60 seconds to make.
Second is a washer I sharpened one side of and use to trim my nails. We have one pair of nail clippers that service upwards of 300 people, some of the nastiest human beings you could imagine, and are not ever cleaned. I won't use them so this is how I cut my nails.
Third, Shabangs are life.

 

[Forveleth]

A few pics because prison is crazy so you find ways for everything. First is my socket popper and its how I make fire. Just plug both pieces in, a little flick of the wrist and some toilet paper, and bam! Fire. There are much more fancy versions but I'm lazy and this works and takes about 60 seconds to make.
Second is a washer I sharpened one side of and use to trim my nails. We have one pair of nail clippers that service upwards of 300 people, some of the nastiest human beings you could imagine, and are not ever cleaned. I won't use them so this is how I cut my nails.
Third, Shabangs are life.

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I stg, sometimes I think if he apocalypse comes I am going to a prison and finding some smart dudes. You guys put MacGyver to shame.

 

[COP2CON]

I stg, sometimes I think if he apocalypse comes I am going to a prison and finding some smart dudes. You guys put MacGyver to shame.

I wanted to show you all my new rechargeable battery powered radio I made. Its a standard AAA battery radio but I took a rechargeable shaving razor and dismantled it, connected the battery and charging portions to the radio, and voilà, no more paying for expensive batteries. Unfortunately the radio might be a bit state specific and many people would like to identify COP2CON to report him and get him beat :-)