Funny Prison Stories

[DTA]

I know, I go on and on about prison. Please forgive me. It was a major part of my life.
Earlier tonight I was sharing some humorous stories with a friend about things that happened in prison. When people are that depressed and confined some crazy things happen. People always think of prison violence but they don't realize that funny things happen there too! So I thought I'd try to lighten the mood here by starting this thread and sharing some of those stories.
I'll share one now and if anyone is interested I'll add some more. Maybe others here might have their own funny prison stories to share!
Let's see where this goes!
This happened when I was in jail awaiting trial. The conditions were horrid. We were all kept in 25' X 50' "tanks" which were each rated for 22 men but generally had 25-30 with the extras on cots. The building was literally falling apart around us. Something had happened in another part of the jail and the warden put the whole jail on 24-hour lockdown for over a year. No recreation, library, or chapel services. No windows either; just bars where the guards could look in. The lockdown was only lifted by court order after someone sued.
One day a group of 8 guys were working out in the tank. At one point they had formed two columns as they did butterfly kicks on the floor with their legs facing each other.
I was squirrelly as hell and realized there was enough room between their flailing legs for me to walk through. I stepped between the 2 columns and, doing my best Paul Lynde impersonation, began to sing an impromptu musical number. I quickly ran out of lyrics but somebody else joined me and began singing "The French Mistake" from Blazing Saddles. I and a number of other prisoners joined in song and dance while the inmates working out tried to ignore us and continued with their kicks.
Before we knew it there was a whole musical going on. The guards heard a commotion and came running. I can only imagine what the scene looked like to them! They walked off shaking their heads and we all had a good laugh. Voila!
Share your stories if you have some and if anyone is interested I'll post some more!

 

[trying ungracefully]

I'm glad there were moments of joy while you were there. Terrible conditions but at least the people in there can find community together, even though I know it's not all good.

 

[COP2CON]

Here, our yard is a max security yard so expanded metal and steel walls, lots a razor wire and just concrete ground with 1 basketball goal. In the early days before we got more people here, like 5 or 6 of us went out for yard. We had two basketballs, both partially deflated to the point you could grab them one handed. It was then I had a stroke of genius. After some talking it was all set up.


Thus the first ever game of dodgeball occurred here.


Its a max facility so eventually a perimeter car drove by and slammed on its brakes thinking we were fighting/rioting. Once the CO realized what we were doing, she yelled out we were all dumbasses and drove on.


Still to this day CO's talk about it. I may die here but I have a legacy by God.

 

[DTA]

Here, our yard is a max security yard so expanded metal and steel walls, lots a razor wire and just concrete ground with 1 basketball goal. In the early days before we got more people here, like 5 or 6 of us went out for yard. We had two basketballs, both partially deflated to the point you could grab them one handed. It was then I had a stroke of genius. After some talking it was all set up.


Thus the first ever game of dodgeball occurred here.


Its a max facility so eventually a perimeter car drove by and slammed on its brakes thinking we were fighting/rioting. Once the CO realized what we were doing, she yelled out we were all dumbasses and drove on.


Still to this day CO's talk about it. I may die here but I have a legacy by God.

I love that!
The closest we ever came to that was a game called Ball Nuts. Two players would face each other while sitting on chairs in their cells. You had to sit in your chair with your legs spread. Then the baller would try to hit you in the nuts with a handball by throwing it from his cell, across the run, and into yours. It had to bounce on the floor at least once to count and he got more points the more times it bounced. But if it didn't hit you in the nuts he got no points. After that it was your turn to hit him and so on.
@COP2CON
Sorry you're on a max yard too. That 23 and 1 shit is really awful. It's kinda nice at first to have privacy if you're in a solo cell but it wears on you. I found drawing and writing helped a lot. That's how I got into doing flash art for the tattoo guys later on. For laughs I also drew eyes all over one wall of my cell and wrote "Who is John Galt?" all over. Just to mess with the COs.
When I finally wound up on a low yard I almost fell over from vertigo. I hadn't seen the outdoors in so long that the perspective made me dizzy!

 

[COP2CON]

I love that!
The closest we ever came to that was a game called Ball Nuts. Two players would face each other while sitting on chairs in their cells. You had to sit in your chair with your legs spread. Then the baller would try to hit you in the nuts with a handball by throwing it from his cell, across the run, and into yours. It had to bounce on the floor at least once to count and he got more points the more times it bounced. But if it didn't hit you in the nuts he got no points. After that it was your turn to hit him and so on.
@COP2CON
Sorry you're on a max yard too. That 23 and 1 shit is really awful. It's kinda nice at first to have privacy if you're in a solo cell but it wears on you. I found drawing and writing helped a lot. That's how I got into doing flash art for the tattoo guys later on. For laughs I also drew eyes all over one wall of my cell and wrote "Who is John Galt?" all over. Just to mess with the COs.
When I finally wound up on a low yard I almost fell over from vertigo. I hadn't seen the outdoors in so long that the perspective made me dizzy!

I'm in a max camp but my unit is special so we are out from like 5AM to 9PM. No law library, classes/programs, haircuts from barbers, or anything any other regular inmate gets but at least we arn't locked down like they initially tried. Hell, we son even get to go to the chow hall, they bring us trays. Used to be our doors never closed which was good and bad. We never played nut ball here but we did a version of badminton, general catch with a baseball made out of soap and a sock, and we made a Frisbee out of a plate underneath a light we broke off.

So another story.....back in the early days before anyone cared about anything, our conditions were hellacious. I mean now, if most of you saw my unit you would think it was terrible but it was truly bad when I first got here. Anyways, I spend years in county waiting for court stuff. The county I was in didn't allow smoking or ecigs. Well neither did this DOC but when I got sentenced and sent here, contraband was flowing and you could get literally anything. Most drugs were cheaper in here than on the street.

I do not partake in drugs and never have but I love to smoke cigarettes. Well we had a problem with making fire in those early days. We had no accessible outlets for socket poppers and no one wanted to buy a lighter. We used to pay a dude in another dorm to roll and light a wick made of toilet paper and we would fish across the building with line made from ripped sheets. He would secure the wick to our line and we'd pull like hell to get it back before it went out. It used to cost one ramen noodle per light.

So enterprising COP2CON decides he's going to find a way to make fire in his unit. I was never able to do the battery and staple method either so that left like no options. Everything was in disrepair here and they left all the cells open all the time even if there wasn't anyone in them. So one cell had the wire from the light ripped out and hanging down the wall. I touched it and it had power but I didn't get a shock, just like a low voltage buzz in my fingers. When I touched the hot and the neutral together, I got the faintest of spark.

I spent hours in that nasty abandoned cell trying to make fire with literally the tiniest spark you could imagine. It never would work so my next bright idea was the wires hung down until about a quarter of an inch from the sink. I decided to attach an unfolded staple from a magazine to the hot wire with the intention of grounding it out on the sink. COP2CON was never very smart....

Anyway, I get it set up and YOLO that shit. What was reported by my dorm mates was a loud explosion like a 12 gauge shotgun going off. The entire cell emitted a blinding white then blue light for a fraction of a second. COP2CON comes out of the cell covering his eyes yelling "im blind!!!!" and almost falls over the second story rail.

My sight and hearing did come back but alas after all the effort, still no fire was made. All the toilet paper I had put around the spot got blown away by the explosion and none caught on fire. I gave up. Eventually a few of us go outlets put in our cells so it wasn't an issue after that but the moral of the story is you at some point will do dumb shit in prison, really dumb shit.

 

[maggineko]

Really amusing! I'm sorry to hear that the living conditions are so terrible, but it's wonderful to know that even a bit of happiness can show up! Hope you're doing well now

 

[DTA]

Another funny event is one called "The Moon Shot."
There was a gay autistic guy named B who used to follow me around a lot since he was crushing on me. Decent guy in small doses, but he could wear on your patience.
One day I was talking to a friend about how I had tried to let B down gently and how I really didn't want to have to get mean with him. My friend recommended the moon shot.
So later that day after lunch when B was following me I spotted my friend Lunchbox outside our dorm unit and decided to try it. I went up to Lunchbox and started "orbiting" him. Just walking a circle around him over and over and not saying anything. After a moment Lunchbox asked what the fuck I was doing. B said to Lunchbox that I was being really weird. That was my chance! As soon as Lunchbox engaged with B I burned off to my cell in the dorm. Never said a word.
About 20 minutes later Lunchbox came to my cell and just said, "You son of a bitch!" then left!

 

[StoneCactus]

Depending on whether or not I get caught, what kind of plea bargain I get if I'm indicted, and what the judge thinks of my presentence investigation and what they had for breakfast that day there's a decent chance I could be going to prison for a a year or three, although I could get probation and jail time if things work out. I'm convinced I'm going to be killed or worse in prison since I'm Jewish (and have a Jewish last name and look the part so there's no hiding it) and the white supremacist gangs run everything in Arizona. This is a large portion of why I want to CTB.

 

[Forveleth]

Not mine, but a friend became the cell block cook while he was in. Got paid to make cakes for people's birthdays, that kind of thing. Man could make you anything with an iron and a microwave. He got cornered by a huge dude and thought he was about to have a very bad time when all the guy wanted was a crispy taco bowl. Apparently this happened more than once. He kept getting jumpscared by huge dudes and gang members, thinking he was about to get pummeled when they would hold out food and ask him to make a really good meal.

 

[COP2CON]

A few pics because prison is crazy so you find ways for everything. First is my socket popper and its how I make fire. Just plug both pieces in, a little flick of the wrist and some toilet paper, and bam! Fire. There are much more fancy versions but I'm lazy and this works and takes about 60 seconds to make.
Second is a washer I sharpened one side of and use to trim my nails. We have one pair of nail clippers that service upwards of 300 people, some of the nastiest human beings you could imagine, and are not ever cleaned. I won't use them so this is how I cut my nails.
Third, Shabangs are life.

 

[Forveleth]

A few pics because prison is crazy so you find ways for everything. First is my socket popper and its how I make fire. Just plug both pieces in, a little flick of the wrist and some toilet paper, and bam! Fire. There are much more fancy versions but I'm lazy and this works and takes about 60 seconds to make.
Second is a washer I sharpened one side of and use to trim my nails. We have one pair of nail clippers that service upwards of 300 people, some of the nastiest human beings you could imagine, and are not ever cleaned. I won't use them so this is how I cut my nails.
Third, Shabangs are life.

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I stg, sometimes I think if he apocalypse comes I am going to a prison and finding some smart dudes. You guys put MacGyver to shame.

 

[COP2CON]

I stg, sometimes I think if he apocalypse comes I am going to a prison and finding some smart dudes. You guys put MacGyver to shame.

I wanted to show you all my new rechargeable battery powered radio I made. Its a standard AAA battery radio but I took a rechargeable shaving razor and dismantled it, connected the battery and charging portions to the radio, and voilà, no more paying for expensive batteries. Unfortunately the radio might be a bit state specific and many people would like to identify COP2CON to report him and get him beat :-)

 

[DTA]

I

I stg, sometimes I think if he apocalypse comes I am going to a prison and finding some smart dudes. You guys put MacGyver to shame.

It's nuts the things people can make. There were two guys I knew of that basically ran repair shops out of their cells. Homemade soldering irons, diy speaker boxes, "stingers" for boiling water, tatoo guns, legit 220 volt pizza ovens...
The guards knew about it and basically let them do it. A few cops even brought their own devices to be repaired and even paid for it!

Depending on whether or not I get caught, what kind of plea bargain I get if I'm indicted, and what the judge thinks of my presentence investigation and what they had for breakfast that day there's a decent chance I could be going to prison for a a year or three, although I could get probation and jail time if things work out. I'm convinced I'm going to be killed or worse in prison since I'm Jewish (and have a Jewish last name and look the part so there's no hiding it) and the white supremacist gangs run everything in Arizona. This is a large portion of why I want to CTB.

Depends where you go. I'm only really familiar with county jails and the federal system. I've heard good and bad things about state prison.
Generally in the fed people with shorter sentences go to lower security yards where that stuff rarely happens. I imagine state would be similar. May not be too much of a problem for you. The hate crime laws stopped a lot of that too since you could pick up 50 years easy for it. Most guys who wouldn't care about the additional time aren't going to be on a lower security yard.

 

[fadedghost]

I stepped between the 2 columns and, doing my best Paul Lynde impersonation, began to sing an impromptu musical number. I quickly ran out of lyrics but somebody else joined me and began singing "The French Mistake" from Blazing Saddles. I and a number of other prisoners joined in song and dance

Tell me you were PC without telling me you were PC.

There was a gay autistic guy named B who used to follow me around a lot since he was crushing on me. Decent guy in small doses, but he could wear on your patience.

Were you having sex any some point?

That 23 and 1 shit is really awful.

What is 23 and 1?

Second is a washer I sharpened one side of and use to trim my nails. We have one pair of nail clippers that service upwards of 300 people, some of the nastiest human beings you could imagine, and are not ever cleaned. I won't use them so this is how I cut my nails.
Third, Shabangs are life.

Do you have dental floss there?


@DTA Paul Lynde died in the 80s. So that mean youre older since younger people wouldn't know him. How much time were you there? Are you gay and did you have any relationships in prison?

 

[DTA]

Tell me you were PC without telling me you were PC.

Were you having sex any some point?

What is 23 and 1?

Do you have dental floss there?


@DTA Paul Lynde died in the 80s. So that mean youre older since younger people wouldn't know him. How much time were you there? Are you gay and did you have any relationships in prison?

Lol
Answers in order:

1.) It was a GP tank. We were just bored as hell. The jail was composed of similar tanks around a central core with PC seg cells on an upstairs floor.
2.) No. I'm not into guys. Just comfortable in my sexuality! Don't have a problem with gays but I just don't swing that way. Had a number of gays and trans who were interested in me but I never got into that. If you're gay you likely don't have much to worry about safetywise since it's so common now. In the places I was at prison rape was REALLY uncommon because there were so many people giving it up for free. A sad truth though is that a lot of gay men claim transgender status just because a lot of other guys claim they "aren't gay cause that's a female!" It's tolerated at some yards and at others causes a lot of drama and violence when their homeboys check them. They wind up sent to different yards. Best to just steer clear of all that, do your time, and get out.
3.) 23 and 1 is either lockdown or seg. You spend 23 hours a day in the tank or cell and get 1 hour of recreation a day.
4.) Don't get actual floss because it can (allegedly) be used to saw through bars. A lot of places sell those floss loop dental picks.
5.) When I was a boy the mighty Mississippi River was just a creek. I did just over 2 years in a federal detention center fighting my case, got sent to 2 different county jails by mistake with a bunch of other guys, then did the rest of my time in a low security fed yard. Total of just over 10.5 years.

Not to discourage you, but if you're looking at fed time keep in mind that 10 years is a "light" sentence. Generally if you get 15 or more you go to a medium or high security joint then work your way down with good behavior. The feds hand out prison time like candy on Halloween! State tends to be a lot more lenient.

As far as I know there's no low security fed yards in Arizona so if you are looking at fed time you'd probably wind up in a different state. They'll generally place you within 500 miles of your home.

 

[fadedghost]

Lol
Answers in order:

1.) It was a GP tank. We were just bored as hell. The jail was composed of similar tanks around a central core with PC seg cells on an upstairs floor.
2.) No. I'm not into guys. Just comfortable in my sexuality! Don't have a problem with gays but I just don't swing that way. Had a number of gays and trans who were interested in me but I never got into that. If you're gay you likely don't have much to worry about safetywise since it's so common now. In the places I was at prison rape was REALLY uncommon because there were so many people giving it up for free. A sad truth though is that a lot of gay men claim transgender status just because a lot of other guys claim they "aren't gay cause that's a female!" It's tolerated at some yards and at others causes a lot of drama and violence when their homeboys check them. They wind up sent to different yards. Best to just steer clear of all that, do your time, and get out.
3.) 23 and 1 is either lockdown or seg. You spend 23 hours a day in the tank or cell and get 1 hour of recreation a day.
4.) Don't get actual floss because it can (allegedly) be used to saw through bars. A lot of places sell those floss loop dental picks.
5.) When I was a boy the mighty Mississippi River was just a creek. I did just over 2 years in a federal detention center fighting my case, got sent to 2 different county jails by mistake with a bunch of other guys, then did the rest of my time in a low security fed yard. Total of just over 10.5 years.

Not to discourage you, but if you're looking at fed time keep in mind that 10 years is a "light" sentence. Generally if you get 15 or more you go to a medium or high security joint then work your way down with good behavior. The feds hand out prison time like candy on Halloween! State tends to be a lot more lenient.

As far as I know there's no low security fed yards in Arizona so if you are looking at fed time you'd probably wind up in a different state. They'll generally place you within 500 miles of your home.

Who would give it up for free?

What were you accused of? 10,5 years is a long time.

 

[DTA]

Lots of people give it up. For some guys it's sort of a paradise! No joke, there's a lot of closeted gay guys who believe it's wrong to be gay in the free world but it's perfectly fine in jail! Imagine a big old Hell's Angel saying that! But it happens! Lol

I don't want to say the exact word for what I was accused of since it might draw unwanted attention. Let's just say it's related to something George Bush declared a Global War on and leave it at that.
I hadn't actually done anything but I WAS a digital privacy activist and it got me put on a list. The feds were following me and intercepting my mail, and harassing me at airports. My life had been in the crapper already and the stress of it all pushed me over the edge. I tried to CTB but the poison failed so I decided to try suicide by cop next since they were already after me. Obviously failed too. (I'm 8 attempts in now lol) That was the only illegal thing I had truly done.
After the fact they made up a whole bunch of completely untrue things in court. Kinda worked in my favor in prison because I was apparently on a list there too and a number of guards were afraid of me so they let me get away with certain things. We used to laugh because I'm not a big intimidating guy but guards would act different around me. I once walked by a couple guards and heard one of them say to the other, "That's that t*****ist!"
I know it sounds crazy but 10 years is legit a small time for the fed. Guys often get 20-25 for a single bag of dope! No parole either. Everyone has to do 85% of their sentence then they earn "good time credit."
They force people to take plea deals by hitting them with a lot of different charge counts (some literally require no evidence) and then if you go to trial they stack all the counts, max them out, and run them consecutively. In my case I could plead to one count for the time I got or get almost 150 years! The juries in the fed aren't allowed to decide guilt or innocence. Instead the prosecutor gives them a list of "facts" to decide on and then the judge decides based on that.

 

[fadedghost]

Lots of people give it up.

Didn't they at least get a ramen out of it?

Guys often get 20-25 for a single bag of dope!

what is a bag? is that a lot of money? what is dope? because 20-25 years for a single big bag of fent doesn't seem that shocking to me... (how many people have most dealers handling fent killed by dealing it?) but if dope means pot, then 20-25 years seems a lot of time...

so I decided to try suicide by cop next since they were already after me

did you try it while having a weapon? because that could result in a lot of charges...

there's a lot of closeted gay guys who believe it's wrong to be gay in the free world

really? i need to get out, meet some of these dudes...

I WAS a digital privacy activist and it got me put on a list. The feds were following me and intercepting my mail, and harassing me at airports.

Really? What would be the reason for them to do that? I'm not saying it didn't happen... I'm sure it did, but why did they care? I would guess is they were following you they suspected some sort of other crimes too...

Le's just say it's related to something George Bush declared a Global War on and leave it at that.

failed so I decided to try suicide by cop next since they were already after me.

After the fact they made up a whole bunch of completely untrue things in court.

So, were they saying suicide by cop (and every charge that could be claimed regarding that) or was it drug stuff or both?

That's that t*****ist

What the fuck letters are those? I have no idea what that means.

For some guys it's sort of a paradise!

So... sluts?

Not to discourage you, but if you're looking at fed time keep in mind that 10 years is a "light" sentence.

I don't think I am, I don't deal drugs and live a pedestrian life... hoping to ctb sooner or later. How would I know if I was looking at that?

 

[DTA]

It's hard to say exactly how much a bag is. Usually like an amount around golf ball size or smaller. Depends on the drug I think. Don't really know too much about that life.
Funny you asked about ramen for giving up the booty. There was a guy they called Two-Soups Jimmy for just that reason. They also called him the Chainsaw because he left no wood standing! So there's one more funny story!
I don't want to actually spell out that word I censored because it might draw attention. It start starts with a T and rhymes with error. I went at the cops unarmed but one of the lies they made up was that I charged them with a shotgun. I did own several guns, including a shotgun, but it was a really long .20 guage. Not something you can conceal. If I had actually charged a SWAT team with a gun I'd be dead for sure! But my goal was not to harm anyone. They also said I had just been fired from my job and was getting ready to go on a killing spree when they busted me just in time, "saving countless lives." I had actually just been promoted the week before they busted me and was not fired and obviously had no such plans. My employers tried to sue the gov because the fake story hurt their business really bad but they couldn't get a case to go forward.
I think what got them after me is that I was advising people specifically on how to remain anonymous online so govs can't easily track you. I worked in IT as an admin and the Edward Snowden stuff had just come out. For a lot of us in the IT world that proved what we had been warning people about for years. And no, I'm not going to advise anyone on that anymore. I'm just trying to obey the rules as much as possible until I can CTB. Don't want to get them after me again! Lol I also had some friends who were in militias. Even though I wasn't a part of that maybe it drew attention.