Is anyone else worried that they might never gather the willpower to do it?

[damaged_soul]

Yeah I fear that I may never get the courage to kill myself. As horrible as it sounds, I hope I'll get cancer or some other terminal illness to take me out and do the dirty work for me. Recently I've been having symptoms of ovarian cancer and I haven't gone to the hospital to get help because if it does end up being cancer, I don't want them to do surgery to remove it, and if it ends up being something harmless like fibroids or cysts, I don't know how I'd cope with the severe disappointment.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes exactly. I barely have the willpower to eat so anything beyond that is pretty much impossible. Just hoping the sun won't rise.

 

[old red eyes]

getting to beachy headi s a hassle and a drag as i don't do anything now...i went a few weeks ago but chickened out and spent £150 on a taxi home...
i have a life ending incurable self inflicted disease nobody will diagnose or treat
will need to summon up energy to do it somehow soon
anyone heading to beachy soon ?

 

[Klophy]

Definitely, I want to die but the actual act of doing it fills me with so much anxiety it's paralyzing.

I wish it was as simple as pushing a button, everyday I feel worse, I guess i'm waiting until I finally get pushed over the edge

 

[Hope:-)]

Yes, I do worry about this.x

 

[Sick of it all]

I worry about this all the time. I know I want to but when I think about doing the deed, I get major anxiety for sure. I admire those who have committed to CTB. I hate being on the fence with it. I feel like being in limbo is excruciating.

 

[outrider567]

Not really

 

[Appletree]

If I had the courage or willpower I would be gone a long time ago.

 

[SamTam33]

I think I can do it but I just need the time to do it in. I want to jump and if I could somehow stop traffic on the bridge... if it was closed for construction or something... I'd walk up there, sit with my thoughts for a few minutes, let the alcohol and despair wash over me and run through me. Then I can do it.

But it won't work like that. I'll have only seconds to actually jump and I doubt my readiness in that short amount of time.

Man... if teleporting was a real thing, I could do it right now in this moment. But it's not a continuous feeling of readiness. That's what scares me and compounds the sadness.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I am starting to wonder if that is the case for me.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I wish i could just die in a car accident or something out of my control

Same.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Yes.

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

It's funny that this thread popped up at the time that it did for me.

Literally just got out of the shower thinking about this. I've been wanting to CTB since mid 2016, yet here I am. I've come so close to going through with it too, yet here I am.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Yes, I worry that i won't - and then it will be too late and I'll be trapped in a nursing home or hospital with no easy exit.

Someone posted an excellent book called TROONATNOOR, i think it was, in which he writes about that peril, and describes how to make a simple exit device that you would be able to make from a long shoelace or piece of cord in such a situation - but they usually are careful to restrict such things in such places, fearful that they might not be able to drain the last dollar out of a victim, a cash cow while kept alive, even as a vegetable.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

The problem is even if I had a button that kills you immediately I still wouldn't be able too. I just couldn't do it even with every reason to die.

 

[makethepainstop]

Bro enough pressure builds up it can push si out of the way.

 

[SarRy]

I worry more about not being physically able when my courage comes due to circumstance or the like. I know something will push me over the edge.