Justachillguy
Member
- Jan 27, 2026
- 15
Howdy folks! Long time lurker, occasional commentor, first time poster, so if this breaks any rules, let me know or do whatever must be done by whomever lolz.
Anyhow, exactly what my title says, is anybody else simply being held back by the thought of their death destroying their parents? I'm not exactly a "normal" case of someone who wants to ctb; by that, I mean that while I know thoughts of dying can happen to anyone, they're more frequent in people who have experienced immense hardship and/or trauma at some point or throughout their entire life. Whereas me, I've actually had a very good life. I'm pursuing my pilots license, something I've wanted to do for literally as long as I can remember, I'm in the US Air Force, something I've wanted to do ever since I was in 1st grade, I've traveled the world a little, and continue to do so since I'm in the military., and I have deeply caring and loving parents who have always and will always continue to support my dreams and ambitions, which is exactly the problem I've run in to.
I've made up my mind that I want to ctb; I'm tired of living in a world that's run by billionaire pedos and one that's populated by people who don't want to do anything about it (or at the very least, don't seem to want to do anything about it). There is no realistic future for me to be happy so long as the world/people continue to live this way. I have my choice of going out (firearm, not a 12 gauge shotgun like I had hoped, but at point blank range I'm pretty sure nearly anything is fatal
), but the thought of emotionally destroying my parents is the one thing holding me back. I haven't seen the rest of my family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) in well over a year, thanks to being in the military, so as cold and calloused as it is to say, they haven't been giving me any pause. My friendships are deep, but I know they're not permanent due to the constant thought of moving, again, thanks to being in the military, so I know that it might sting for them, but eventually I'll be nothing more than a footnote in their lives, as I most likely would've anyways had I lived a longer life. I don't fear death; in fact, the origin of my thoughts of ctb-ing (yeah, I verb formed it, fight me ) at 14 or 15 was from genuine curiousity about what comes after death, so I view it as a new adventure in that regard, ya know? I've had a good 5 or 6 years to get used to the thought of being dead and desensitizing myself to death via videos on the internets. Not the same as actually watching it, but it'll have to work for someone like me :)
But my fucking parents, man...I talk with them everyday on the phone, I hear my Mom and Dad's voice, and It just sends chills down my spine imagining the screams and cries of anguish they'd let out when the 2 service members show up at their front door to inform them their son has blown his brains out. But I want out so fucking bad. With all the bullshit that my dumbass president is doing (live in the United States, do the math lol), it has pissed me off so much that death seems more favorable.
If only I could just blow up the world in it's entirety. Wipe out all life and let it start over from scratch. Maybe that dumb fish that decided to go on land won't make the same mistake again
Is anybody else in the same boat as me?
Anyhow, exactly what my title says, is anybody else simply being held back by the thought of their death destroying their parents? I'm not exactly a "normal" case of someone who wants to ctb; by that, I mean that while I know thoughts of dying can happen to anyone, they're more frequent in people who have experienced immense hardship and/or trauma at some point or throughout their entire life. Whereas me, I've actually had a very good life. I'm pursuing my pilots license, something I've wanted to do for literally as long as I can remember, I'm in the US Air Force, something I've wanted to do ever since I was in 1st grade, I've traveled the world a little, and continue to do so since I'm in the military., and I have deeply caring and loving parents who have always and will always continue to support my dreams and ambitions, which is exactly the problem I've run in to.
I've made up my mind that I want to ctb; I'm tired of living in a world that's run by billionaire pedos and one that's populated by people who don't want to do anything about it (or at the very least, don't seem to want to do anything about it). There is no realistic future for me to be happy so long as the world/people continue to live this way. I have my choice of going out (firearm, not a 12 gauge shotgun like I had hoped, but at point blank range I'm pretty sure nearly anything is fatal
), but the thought of emotionally destroying my parents is the one thing holding me back. I haven't seen the rest of my family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) in well over a year, thanks to being in the military, so as cold and calloused as it is to say, they haven't been giving me any pause. My friendships are deep, but I know they're not permanent due to the constant thought of moving, again, thanks to being in the military, so I know that it might sting for them, but eventually I'll be nothing more than a footnote in their lives, as I most likely would've anyways had I lived a longer life. I don't fear death; in fact, the origin of my thoughts of ctb-ing (yeah, I verb formed it, fight me ) at 14 or 15 was from genuine curiousity about what comes after death, so I view it as a new adventure in that regard, ya know? I've had a good 5 or 6 years to get used to the thought of being dead and desensitizing myself to death via videos on the internets. Not the same as actually watching it, but it'll have to work for someone like me :)But my fucking parents, man...I talk with them everyday on the phone, I hear my Mom and Dad's voice, and It just sends chills down my spine imagining the screams and cries of anguish they'd let out when the 2 service members show up at their front door to inform them their son has blown his brains out. But I want out so fucking bad. With all the bullshit that my dumbass president is doing (live in the United States, do the math lol), it has pissed me off so much that death seems more favorable.
If only I could just blow up the world in it's entirety. Wipe out all life and let it start over from scratch. Maybe that dumb fish that decided to go on land won't make the same mistake again
Is anybody else in the same boat as me?
