Is anyone else held back by the thought of destroying their parents?

[Justachillguy]

Howdy folks! Long time lurker, occasional commentor, first time poster, so if this breaks any rules, let me know or do whatever must be done by whomever lolz.

Anyhow, exactly what my title says, is anybody else simply being held back by the thought of their death destroying their parents? I'm not exactly a "normal" case of someone who wants to ctb; by that, I mean that while I know thoughts of dying can happen to anyone, they're more frequent in people who have experienced immense hardship and/or trauma at some point or throughout their entire life. Whereas me, I've actually had a very good life. I'm pursuing my pilots license, something I've wanted to do for literally as long as I can remember, I'm in the US Air Force, something I've wanted to do ever since I was in 1st grade, I've traveled the world a little, and continue to do so since I'm in the military., and I have deeply caring and loving parents who have always and will always continue to support my dreams and ambitions, which is exactly the problem I've run in to.

I've made up my mind that I want to ctb; I'm tired of living in a world that's run by billionaire pedos and one that's populated by people who don't want to do anything about it (or at the very least, don't seem to want to do anything about it). There is no realistic future for me to be happy so long as the world/people continue to live this way. I have my choice of going out (firearm, not a 12 gauge shotgun like I had hoped, but at point blank range I'm pretty sure nearly anything is fatal ), but the thought of emotionally destroying my parents is the one thing holding me back. I haven't seen the rest of my family (grandparents, cousins, etc.) in well over a year, thanks to being in the military, so as cold and calloused as it is to say, they haven't been giving me any pause. My friendships are deep, but I know they're not permanent due to the constant thought of moving, again, thanks to being in the military, so I know that it might sting for them, but eventually I'll be nothing more than a footnote in their lives, as I most likely would've anyways had I lived a longer life. I don't fear death; in fact, the origin of my thoughts of ctb-ing (yeah, I verb formed it, fight me ) at 14 or 15 was from genuine curiousity about what comes after death, so I view it as a new adventure in that regard, ya know? I've had a good 5 or 6 years to get used to the thought of being dead and desensitizing myself to death via videos on the internets. Not the same as actually watching it, but it'll have to work for someone like me :)

But my fucking parents, man...I talk with them everyday on the phone, I hear my Mom and Dad's voice, and It just sends chills down my spine imagining the screams and cries of anguish they'd let out when the 2 service members show up at their front door to inform them their son has blown his brains out. But I want out so fucking bad. With all the bullshit that my dumbass president is doing (live in the United States, do the math lol), it has pissed me off so much that death seems more favorable.

If only I could just blow up the world in it's entirety. Wipe out all life and let it start over from scratch. Maybe that dumb fish that decided to go on land won't make the same mistake again

Is anybody else in the same boat as me?

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

yes when i think of my mom and brother finding out it makes me really sad. i dont know if anything can get me out of ctb at this point but that is something i think about so much. plus my best friends and my room mate....i think the most about my room mate even though hes the one i talk to the least because he would probably be the one to find me and it makes me so so so sad. he's really nice and i wish we talked more and were closer but even not being close he has helped me and been kind and its sad to think of him sad.

 

[Justachillguy]

yes when i think of my mom and brother finding out it makes me really sad. i dont know if anything can get me out of ctb at this point but that is something i think about so much. plus my best friends and my room mate....i think the most about my room mate even though hes the one i talk to the least because he would probably be the one to find me and it makes me so so so sad. he's really nice and i wish we talked more and were closer but even not being close he has helped me and been kind and its sad to think of him sad.

Yep. I've spent the last few weeks "running through the motions", if you catch my drift. I have no issue doing it with the gun unloaded, but the 2 or 3 times I've actually tried, I just imagine my parents being devastated and can't do it. Hell, I've even loaded the gun, waited a day or 2 so I'd hopefully forget, but the second it's next to my head, I just get a mental audio of my parents breaking down.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

Yep. I've spent the last few weeks "running through the motions", if you catch my drift. I have no issue doing it with the gun unloaded, but the 2 or 3 times I've actually tried, I just imagine my parents being devastated and can't do it. Hell, I've even loaded the gun, waited a day or 2 so I'd hopefully forget, but the second it's next to my head, I just get a mental audio of my parents breaking down.

its the same for me though i can't ctb for a few more months i've had a few times when i got desperate and tried early and i always just thought of my room mate and my best friend the whole time. if i ever am able to i will probably die thinking about one of them or both of them. i try so hard to not think about it but even just thinking about ctb brings up the thoughts of my room mate. sometimes when i hear him around the house or see him i think of it too i just get the sight and sound of him being sad in my mind and feel so bad.

 

[Sans]

They should have used a condom anyway.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I'm in the same boat. Materially perfect life and I still want to die. But man, it would destroy my family forever. I'm the oldest of 4. I always think of that scene in hereditary of the mother screaming and sobbing. I really don't want to do that to my family

 

[Tellurian120]

Back in the day, those thoughts did hold me back. Nowadays, I realize that the reaction of my parents and brother is not something I will actually be privy to, so now I don't think about it at all. With all due respect, having loving parents does extremely little, at best, to compensate for how horrible the rest of my life is.

 

[Scorpio moon gal]

I'll just be sad. I should have been the one to change things , im a first born daughter I shouldn't be taking my life. but oh well I can't afford to disappoint them further.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I'm trying to wait for my Dad to go first- to hopefully follow him shortly after. My Mum died in my childhood.

 

[thelostautistic]

You're not the only one. I feel so guilty about hurting my family. It's one of the few things keeping me here for now

 

[ladidabi]

I didn't before care when I was in a long term stress-induced psychosis, because my delusions turned everyone into an enemy, including my parents. I do wish I just ended my life at the initial date I gave myself. Today I get very upset just looking at my family, with parents aging and my closest sibling struggling in her day to day life socially and mentally. She always comes to me for help as her oldest sister.

Even though I really want to ctb because I'm so tired of how hard things are in life. I don't live with my parents, so they wouldn't witness it, but I don't want them to experience getting a call from the hospital or police. It hurts to think about. Even though we live in a deeply corrupt and dangerous world, when looking at it at micro-level, it really creates doubts.

 

[Hollowman]

Yes, but my existence is so pointless it's getting a lot harder to hold on.

 

[Yantsufe]

I'm pretty sure the only thing that's holding me back is just general apathy. I don't really care enough one way or the other yet. Like, I for sure don't want to keep living, but catching the bus early is just an effort. I pretty much just keep riding along until something becomes too much of a speed bump in life. I joined this site because I believe I'm close to that point now with being fired from my job, having problems finding a decent replacement that isn't either exhausting or strips of me of what little fun I'm capable of having with free time.

People don't really keep me here though. I'm not close to my family at all. My mother has always felt like a stranger to me, my sister disappeared for a long portion of my childhood before I was of a conscious age to know anything about her, and I've never felt any kinship with my brothers. Even with my current girlfriend it's just a matter of them making life a little more doable, but it doesn't make me want to actually keep doing it anymore than usual. It's like spoon full of sugar idea, but with life being more like a poison instead of medicine. Sure, it's probably easier to drink with the sugar, but damn why the fuck am I still drinking this shit?

 

[vanillabug333]

I guess I am "lucky" (if you want to call it that) in this sense. My dad is dead, and my mom was my abuser so me ctb will probably make her happy.

 

[yotaka]

I'm just gonna throw this out there: I agree that the world is incredibly messed up, but you seem like you're in a position to fight for a better one—at least a much better position than most of us are. I mean, I don't know you and I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. Take it for what it's worth. Also I want to make it clear for all our sake, I'm neither suggesting nor advocating doing anything illegal.