I'm too tired to write much. I feel drained even when I don't do anything. I am on long-term sick leave from my job and they're about to fire me. So I've just been sitting around for a few weeks and I don't feel any better. I feel just as burnt out as before. I am worn down to the bone. I haven't been on this site for months and months because I thought, for just a moment, my life might be fixable and that I had a pathway to something good in life. Then, as always, I ruined it with my stupidity, incompetence, and worthlessness. I'm now in a worse state than I've ever been. I'm desperate to kill myself, but I don't want to hurt my family and fiancee, nor do I have a clue how to go about doing it.
The most appealing to me is train, but I don't want to traumatise people.
I used to have the DMC SN source to hand, but by the time I plucked up the courage to consider buying it, it had been taken down.
Hanging sounds scary, I couldn't deal with suspension hanging as the pain is too much to think about. Drop hanging, I don't know enough about.
Ofc no access to a gun as I'm in the UK. Otherwise it'd be trivial.
Exsanguination (e.g., via sharp object) too painful and scary.
IK there's no point overdosing on prescription medication. I do have Lithium which IK is quite toxic, but I bet it's excruciatingly painful and I just don't want to go through that.
Drowning seems awful. I saw someone die from drowning before. Plus I think I'd just be overcome by survival instinct. It's not really even something you can consciously do that easily.
And, going back to it, I couldn't do it to my loved ones.
Yet at the same time living is intolerable and I can't get through the days anymore.
I'm so lost. I just wish someone could rescue me and fix it all, because I'm not capable of it.
The most appealing to me is train, but I don't want to traumatise people.
I used to have the DMC SN source to hand, but by the time I plucked up the courage to consider buying it, it had been taken down.
Hanging sounds scary, I couldn't deal with suspension hanging as the pain is too much to think about. Drop hanging, I don't know enough about.
Ofc no access to a gun as I'm in the UK. Otherwise it'd be trivial.
Exsanguination (e.g., via sharp object) too painful and scary.
IK there's no point overdosing on prescription medication. I do have Lithium which IK is quite toxic, but I bet it's excruciatingly painful and I just don't want to go through that.
Drowning seems awful. I saw someone die from drowning before. Plus I think I'd just be overcome by survival instinct. It's not really even something you can consciously do that easily.
And, going back to it, I couldn't do it to my loved ones.
Yet at the same time living is intolerable and I can't get through the days anymore.
I'm so lost. I just wish someone could rescue me and fix it all, because I'm not capable of it.
And honestly, I don't think what you've written sounds like someone who is stupid, incompetent or worthless. It sounds like someone who is exhausted and has reached the point where they don't have anything left in the tank. I don't know if your family/fiancee know how bad you're feeling, but if they don't it might be worth telling someone exactly whats going on in your head rather than trying to protect them from it.
