Back again

[WatchmeBurn]

I'm too tired to write much. I feel drained even when I don't do anything. I am on long-term sick leave from my job and they're about to fire me. So I've just been sitting around for a few weeks and I don't feel any better. I feel just as burnt out as before. I am worn down to the bone. I haven't been on this site for months and months because I thought, for just a moment, my life might be fixable and that I had a pathway to something good in life. Then, as always, I ruined it with my stupidity, incompetence, and worthlessness. I'm now in a worse state than I've ever been. I'm desperate to kill myself, but I don't want to hurt my family and fiancee, nor do I have a clue how to go about doing it.

The most appealing to me is train, but I don't want to traumatise people.

I used to have the DMC SN source to hand, but by the time I plucked up the courage to consider buying it, it had been taken down.

Hanging sounds scary, I couldn't deal with suspension hanging as the pain is too much to think about. Drop hanging, I don't know enough about.

Ofc no access to a gun as I'm in the UK. Otherwise it'd be trivial.

Exsanguination (e.g., via sharp object) too painful and scary.

IK there's no point overdosing on prescription medication. I do have Lithium which IK is quite toxic, but I bet it's excruciatingly painful and I just don't want to go through that.

Drowning seems awful. I saw someone die from drowning before. Plus I think I'd just be overcome by survival instinct. It's not really even something you can consciously do that easily.

And, going back to it, I couldn't do it to my loved ones.

Yet at the same time living is intolerable and I can't get through the days anymore.

I'm so lost. I just wish someone could rescue me and fix it all, because I'm not capable of it.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm too tired to write much. I feel drained even when I don't do anything. I am on long-term sick leave from my job and they're about to fire me. So I've just been sitting around for a few weeks and I don't feel any better. I feel just as burnt out as before. I am worn down to the bone. I haven't been on this site for months and months because I thought, for just a moment, my life might be fixable and that I had a pathway to something good in life. Then, as always, I ruined it with my stupidity, incompetence, and worthlessness. I'm now in a worse state than I've ever been. I'm desperate to kill myself, but I don't want to hurt my family and fiancee, nor do I have a clue how to go about doing it.

The most appealing to me is train, but I don't want to traumatise people.

I used to have the DMC SN source to hand, but by the time I plucked up the courage to consider buying it, it had been taken down.

Hanging sounds scary, I couldn't deal with suspension hanging as the pain is too much to think about. Drop hanging, I don't know enough about.

Ofc no access to a gun as I'm in the UK. Otherwise it'd be trivial.

Exsanguination (e.g., via sharp object) too painful and scary.

IK there's no point overdosing on prescription medication. I do have Lithium which IK is quite toxic, but I bet it's excruciatingly painful and I just don't want to go through that.

Drowning seems awful. I saw someone die from drowning before. Plus I think I'd just be overcome by survival instinct. It's not really even something you can consciously do that easily.

And, going back to it, I couldn't do it to my loved ones.

Yet at the same time living is intolerable and I can't get through the days anymore.

I'm so lost. I just wish someone could rescue me and fix it all, because I'm not capable of it.

If one can somehow get a tent to camp, and have charcoal to create CO, that can be helpful. I have had this plan on my mind for a long time but my plan got seized before I could execute it.

 

[discernment]

I'm really sorry you're in this place And honestly, I don't think what you've written sounds like someone who is stupid, incompetent or worthless. It sounds like someone who is exhausted and has reached the point where they don't have anything left in the tank. I don't know if your family/fiancee know how bad you're feeling, but if they don't it might be worth telling someone exactly whats going on in your head rather than trying to protect them from it.

 

[WatchmeBurn]

I'm really sorry you're in this place And honestly, I don't think what you've written sounds like someone who is stupid, incompetent or worthless. It sounds like someone who is exhausted and has reached the point where they don't have anything left in the tank. I don't know if your family/fiancee know how bad you're feeling, but if they don't it might be worth telling someone exactly whats going on in your head rather than trying to protect them from it.

I'm fairly open with my MH issues, you're right that it wouldn't be good to hide it all. I don't tell my parents quite how bad it is, but they know it's pretty bad.

I am seeing a therapist (unfortunately they just went on holiday just as shit hit the fan at work again--they said I could contact them in emergencies


I guess I don't really see death as something I want in a 'positive' sense. I don't 'aspire' to die. Rather, I want to die just as a 'negative' response, reaction, and/or soothing mechanism from what seems to be an unbearable and incurable existence. Ideally I'd just be competent, happy, and successful, y'know? I feel I am *forced* into suicide by circumstances rather than having an intrinsic want of death *for its own sake*. I want to NOT want to die, but I can't not want to die because of who I am, and the life that it imbues unto me. Just 'thinking differently' wouldn't do anything when my life actually does just suck and there's no pathway to change it.

I guess that's probably another thing that holds me back from doing it (though I have made two half-hearted attempts before--not for many years), but with the intensity of suffering I experience constantly + the fact it's incurable and I have exhausted all treatment pathways (countless medications and therapists) I would defo have done it by now if not for the loved ones bit.

I do like my therapist, but I don't see how they can help me either tbh (and I have told them this), just because I don't think my issues come from cognitive warping etc, but just from my innate lack of good qualities or characteristics.

Thank you for the kind comment.

If one can somehow get a tent to camp, and have charcoal to create CO, that can be helpful. I have had this plan on my mind for a long time but my plan got seized before I could execute it.

Surely if it'd be that easy then loads of people would do it..?

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm fairly open with my MH issues, you're right that it wouldn't be good to hide it all. I don't tell my parents quite how bad it is, but they know it's pretty bad.

I am seeing a therapist (unfortunately they just went on holiday just as shit hit the fan at work again--they said I could contact them in emergencies


I guess I don't really see death as something I want in a 'positive' sense. I don't 'aspire' to die. Rather, I want to die just as a 'negative' response, reaction, and/or soothing mechanism from what seems to be an unbearable and incurable existence. Ideally I'd just be competent, happy, and successful, y'know? I feel I am *forced* into suicide by circumstances rather than having an intrinsic want of death *for its own sake*. I want to NOT want to die, but I can't not want to die because of who I am, and the life that it imbues unto me. Just 'thinking differently' wouldn't do anything when my life actually does just suck and there's no pathway to change it.

I guess that's probably another thing that holds me back from doing it (though I have made two half-hearted attempts before--not for many years), but with the intensity of suffering I experience constantly + the fact it's incurable and I have exhausted all treatment pathways (countless medications and therapists) I would defo have done it by now if not for the loved ones bit.

I do like my therapist, but I don't see how they can help me either tbh (and I have told them this), just because I don't think my issues come from cognitive warping etc, but just from my innate lack of good qualities or characteristics.

Thank you for the kind comment.


Surely if it'd be that easy then loads of people would do it..?

Procurement is fairly easy, the challenge is in the execution part. One needs a small space and lots of CO. And a CO METER which is costly