beyond.space
"an elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art"
- Oct 30, 2025
- 43
So, I've been suicidal for a while and recently decided that I have to CTB soon. I wanted it to be in November, but I realized much of my art is unfinished, and it's the way I express my most profound sentiments, through drawing and poetry (I'm not very good at either, but I'm pleased enough with what I do). So I decided to extend my time here indefinitely, until I'm able to finish all my drawings, so that people will at least sort of understand what was going on with me after I pass. I will also leave notes, already written, to my close ones but I mainly just ask for their forgiveness and thank them for everything in them.
Anyway, since I will probably be here for some more time, I took the decision to adopt two little kittens. They are lovely, I just found them on an adoption site by chance (I've had a cat before, so I know everything about raising one). The thing is, I think it's highly immoral for me to do so. My suicidal ideation will probably never go away and I have no intention of being saved, so I don't know why I did this besides my love for animals and my wanting to help stray cats. But I'm basically fighting myself here, because I know I want and need to CTB in the next couple of months, so what will happen to them? They will surely get attached and miss me even if they find a new home.
I believe this is also my brain trying to keep me alive, or basically just myself fighting the urge to CTB and begin recovery by hanging on to life just for my pets. I'm also going to therapy, but nothing ever helped, I'm too much of a pessimist to ever be able to enjoy this miserable existence.
What do you think? It's probably immoral but should I just cancel everything and go on with my plans? I really believe recovery is not possible for me, but at the same time, why am I making such decisions? Would you do the same, granted you love animals like me and would like to help them?
Anyway, since I will probably be here for some more time, I took the decision to adopt two little kittens. They are lovely, I just found them on an adoption site by chance (I've had a cat before, so I know everything about raising one). The thing is, I think it's highly immoral for me to do so. My suicidal ideation will probably never go away and I have no intention of being saved, so I don't know why I did this besides my love for animals and my wanting to help stray cats. But I'm basically fighting myself here, because I know I want and need to CTB in the next couple of months, so what will happen to them? They will surely get attached and miss me even if they find a new home.
I believe this is also my brain trying to keep me alive, or basically just myself fighting the urge to CTB and begin recovery by hanging on to life just for my pets. I'm also going to therapy, but nothing ever helped, I'm too much of a pessimist to ever be able to enjoy this miserable existence.
What do you think? It's probably immoral but should I just cancel everything and go on with my plans? I really believe recovery is not possible for me, but at the same time, why am I making such decisions? Would you do the same, granted you love animals like me and would like to help them?