Is 1% of good things really worth 99% of bad?

[woofwag]

I'm miserable. Tried to kill myself so many times. I was gonna do it for real last December, but I got overwhelmed with prep. Still am tbh.

I hate everything. I found my job enjoyable at first, but now I have no idea if any of my coworkers actually like me, if I'm doing a good job, and when this scheduling bullshit will finally change. I keep getting beat up at work (I support a disabled adult who is aggressive) and I wouldn't have a problem with that were it not for the fact that I have the highest frequency of getting attacked.

It's not just my job ofc. I am generally miserable all the time. That being said, on the 31st of last month I visited Portland for a rave and to see a couple friends. I got to see the person who I love more than words can describe… and have so much fun at the rave, and makeout with a beautiful woman. My friend afterwards said their friend (also gorgeous) was down to fuck too lol. She gave me some very fun things to ingest at the rave.

All I want now is to go back and be a slut again, makeout with people, dance, fuck, do drugs, everything. It was just 2 1/2 days… and I can't take more time off of work.

So, what do you think? Is 2 1/2 days of bliss actually worth it? Because the past uh… forever sure has been hell. I'm actually at work right now preparing to most likely get beat up again tonight. I truly do not see myself being happy in any job, and all I really do in my free time is watch TikToks. Pathetic. I hate myself. Is anything at all worth it in the face of that?

 

[Tyra]

I'm miserable. Tried to kill myself so many times. I was gonna do it for real last December, but I got overwhelmed with prep. Still am tbh.

I hate everything. I found my job enjoyable at first, but now I have no idea if any of my coworkers actually like me, if I'm doing a good job, and when this scheduling bullshit will finally change. I keep getting beat up at work (I support a disabled adult who is aggressive) and I wouldn't have a problem with that were it not for the fact that I have the highest frequency of getting attacked.

It's not just my job ofc. I am generally miserable all the time. That being said, on the 31st of last month I visited Portland for a rave and to see a couple friends. I got to see the person who I love more than words can describe… and have so much fun at the rave, and makeout with a beautiful woman. My friend afterwards said their friend (also gorgeous) was down to fuck too lol. She gave me some very fun things to ingest at the rave.

All I want now is to go back and be a slut again, makeout with people, dance, fuck, do drugs, everything. It was just 2 1/2 days… and I can't take more time off of work.

So, what do you think? Is 2 1/2 days of bliss actually worth it? Because the past uh… forever sure has been hell. I'm actually at work right now preparing to most likely get beat up again tonight. I truly do not see myself being happy in any job, and all I really do in my free time is watch TikToks. Pathetic. I hate myself. Is anything at all worth it in the face of that?

Most of us here never experience any bliss so I don't know what to tell you.

 

[woofwag]

Most of us here never experience any bliss so I don't know what to tell you.

Well if you were to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that you did have just a few days of happiness, would it change you wanting to ctb?

 

[angelblood]

It's really hard to know what other ppl think of you. My close friends worry that ppl dont like them that i know 100% do like them. It's a normal compulsion to worry like that.

Would u be happier if u found a way to save and move Portland? There's always raves happening, and what u described sounds like 90% of puppygirls I know's normal weekends.

 

[selfsocio]

I'm miserable. Tried to kill myself so many times. I was gonna do it for real last December, but I got overwhelmed with prep. Still am tbh.

I hate everything. I found my job enjoyable at first, but now I have no idea if any of my coworkers actually like me, if I'm doing a good job, and when this scheduling bullshit will finally change. I keep getting beat up at work (I support a disabled adult who is aggressive) and I wouldn't have a problem with that were it not for the fact that I have the highest frequency of getting attacked.

It's not just my job ofc. I am generally miserable all the time. That being said, on the 31st of last month I visited Portland for a rave and to see a couple friends. I got to see the person who I love more than words can describe… and have so much fun at the rave, and makeout with a beautiful woman. My friend afterwards said their friend (also gorgeous) was down to fuck too lol. She gave me some very fun things to ingest at the rave.

All I want now is to go back and be a slut again, makeout with people, dance, fuck, do drugs, everything. It was just 2 1/2 days… and I can't take more time off of work.

So, what do you think? Is 2 1/2 days of bliss actually worth it? Because the past uh… forever sure has been hell. I'm actually at work right now preparing to most likely get beat up again tonight. I truly do not see myself being happy in any job, and all I really do in my free time is watch TikToks. Pathetic. I hate myself. Is anything at all worth it in the face of that?

if you have even the slightest thing to hold onto, hold onto it. the chances are that you ctb, you'll have regrets as you are dying. you dont want to risk regretting suicide midway ctb. a reason is still a reason, no matter how small it is. and if you can find interest in just one thing, its worth it to keep living, you'll find more reasons along the way.

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

Well if you were to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that you did have just a few days of happiness, would it change you wanting to ctb?

It would extend it by a couple days

 

[Tyra]

Well if you were to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that you did have just a few days of happiness, would it change you wanting to ctb?

If I was really 100% happy on those days then yeah it would change things for me.

It just opens up the door to the possibility of building a life where there are more happy days.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

If I just answer the question based on your title, no 1% of good in life is not worth 99% bad. But I am not sure your life actually is 99% bad? How do you know you wouldn't like another job? You definitely shouldn't be put a position where you can be physically harmed! That is crazy and you could probably sue the employer for that. Do you have any friends outside of work, any interests or hobbies? I am guessing you are very young, probably in your early 20's?? I lived for the party days too when I was that age. And as I got older, like later 20's, I found myself and discovered new things that brought me joy (as long my depression meds were working). I am 57 years old now, so the days of sex, drugs and rock & roll are long behind me. I just want to give you hope that things can get better and we do evolve and grow as a person as we age.

 

[defective01]

Well, I believe that life at its core is a net negative for a conscious being, and that the base state of existence is suffering. To me, pleasure is nothing more than the absence of suffering. So, probably not; that 1% is merely an illusion created by our drive to keep producing.

 

[woofwag]

It's really hard to know what other ppl think of you. My close friends worry that ppl dont like them that i know 100% do like them. It's a normal compulsion to worry like that.

Would u be happier if u found a way to save and move Portland? There's always raves happening, and what u described sounds like 90% of puppygirls I know's normal weekends.

Maybe… idk. It's so fucking expensive to live there and I'm disabled and have little work experience so it doesn't seem very feasible for me to live there anyway. I just want all these stupid dopamine hits from it anyway, like the person I'm (maybe) fixated on, sex with other trans people, drugs, raves, it just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

if you have even the slightest thing to hold onto, hold onto it. the chances are that you ctb, you'll have regrets as you are dying. you dont want to risk regretting suicide midway ctb. a reason is still a reason, no matter how small it is. and if you can find interest in just one thing, its worth it to keep living, you'll find more reasons along the way.

I think if I take a really strong edible I won't have any final regrets. It always puts me in a headspace where I'm sure death is the only option.

If I was really 100% happy on those days then yeah it would change things for me.

It just opens up the door to the possibility of building a life where there are more happy days.

Even if it were artificial happiness? Just sex and drugs fueled temporary joy?

If I just answer the question based on your title, no 1% of good in life is not worth 99% bad. But I am not sure your life actually is 99% bad? How do you know you wouldn't like another job? You definitely shouldn't be put a position where you can be physically harmed! That is crazy and you could probably sue the employer for that. Do you have any friends outside of work, any interests or hobbies? I am guessing you are very young, probably in your early 20's?? I lived for the party days too when I was that age. And as I got older, like later 20's, I found myself and discovered new things that brought me joy (as long my depression meds were working). I am 57 years old now, so the days of sex, drugs and rock & roll are long behind me. I just want to give you hope that things can get better and we do evolve and grow as a person as we age.

It's hard for me to qualify for 99% of jobs cuz of my disabilities, lack of experience, and high susceptibility to burning out. Can't sue my job, I signed up for this and there's nothing I can do about it. I support a disabled adult who is aggressive. This is just how it is in the field :p I have friends/interests but I'm such a shitty person that I neglect my friendships and I'm so burnt out I don't engage in my interests anymore. I just doom scroll now. The only thing now is that yesterday I did get offered an opportunity to move to Boston… that being said idk how it would work out at all. Don't know if I'd be happy there or be happy leaving all my friends for a fuckin 8 hour plane ride away from them. I can't seem to imagine myself happy in any avenue anymore.

Well, I believe that life at its core is a net negative for a conscious being, and that the base state of existence is suffering. To me, pleasure is nothing more than the absence of suffering. So, probably not; that 1% is merely an illusion created by our drive to keep producing.

That's interesting. Why do you believe that though? Is it based on the reality only of the depressed people you see? Cuz I know plenty of people who are happy and don't want to die. That being said, for someone like me… I can see that being true.

 

[Busridin'26]

Hmm the initial question of 99% vs 1% of happiness(?) my answer is no. But thats just for me...

But reading the post and such I think its worth it to stick around. To have moments outside of ones misery is def worth it to explore for as long as you can. Maybe build upon it like another user suggested like moving or smthin. Dunno a lot about the US but Portland always sounded like a decent place to live for dif reasons maybe could be more disability friendly supports.

Thinking how one can just full enjoy those times and expand upon ig. Thats where my brain naturally goes.

I don't really have that capacity for my own life but I can still see it for others so.

I hope your able to experience more and more bliss/joy etc

 

[woofwag]

Hmm the initial question of 99% vs 1% of happiness(?) my answer is no. But thats just for me...

But reading the post and such I think its worth it to stick around. To have moments outside of ones misery is def worth it to explore for as long as you can. Maybe build upon it like another user suggested like moving or smthin. Dunno a lot about the US but Portland always sounded like a decent place to live for dif reasons maybe could be more disability friendly supports.

Thinking how one can just full enjoy those times and expand upon ig. Thats where my brain naturally goes.

I don't really have that capacity for my own life but I can still see it for others so.

I hope your able to experience more and more bliss/joy etc

Yeah, possibly. I always go back and forth on it. I feel like such a terrible person all the time too, and it's really hard to live with all the bad things I've done (even if people forgive me). I might give living a chance for a little bit but I'm always wondering at what point to call it. Like when I'm fully in the sunk-cost fallacy :p and if I'm just getting myself addicted to these short thrills that don't mean anything. I haven't done anything to better myself in a looooooong time and it's hard being trapped with the idea of a release from this hell so I don't have to work that out, while simultaneously experiencing these tiny moments of hope where I think "maybe it'll be ok." Yet most of the time I do regret failing to kill myself when I was 6, and all those other times.

 

[thelostautistic]

Truthfully I don't know. I guess it depends on the person and what you're dealing with. For me I'm a very sad person who has happy moments. I've been functioned this way for years and the occasional good times kept me going. But now it's unfortunately not enough. I'm drowning in my misery and feel ready to go.