Introducing myself

[davidtorez]

Hi all
I recently joined this forum and wanted to make my first post telling everyone about myself. I'm a 42 year old guy from Australia, have been depressed since 2018 and also suicidal since then . I don't want to bore people with the details however after being diagnosed with tendonosis and osteoarthritis in most of my joints life has become less than desirable. Martial arts is/was my life, and unfortunately due to my conditions it's making me unable to continue with my passion. I am always in pain from morning until night and only work 2 days a week because of the joint problems. I don't look forward to anything anymore and wake up everyday thinking I wish I wasn't born. When my health started declining back in 2018 , I knew I had to do something about it and procure some N from a source named AV at the time. Long story short , my first shipment was seized by customs and a had a lovely visit by the police to check up on me. Not only did they check up on me they even told my father and brother what I had ordered. So I ordered N a second time around and used another payment method in order to make it harder to get my shipment seized. So luckily I did receive my 2 bottles of N. They've been in the fridge since 2018 in their original bottles. I don't know what the expiry date is though? Would they still be good to go ? I also got Metoclopramide from an online pharmacy. Last year I did a test dose but found it gave me diarrhoea, maybe because I took it a few hours after eating ? I do have IBS also which makes my guts sensitive to alot of things. I was on amitriptyline for a while also , and have found myself drinking vodka a lot more nowadays whilst taking the amitriptyline.
I honestly don't want to be around anymore , life has become pointless , I'm in pain , I don't look forward to anything, I have a gf but I feel sorry for her in a way because I feel like I'm only using her as distraction from my terrible life.
I guess my questions are:
1) Is my N from AV from 2018 still potent?
2) can I use metoclopromide even though it has a chance of giving me diarrhoea?
3) Can amitriptyline be used in any way to potentiate the N ?
thanks
Dave

 

[iloverachel]

Welcome and nice to meet you!
I have to agree with you that life is garbage and not worth living. Hope you get the help you are looking for

 

[davidtorez]

Thank you. I think we will all find our peace sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever whether it be pain or pleasure, happiness or sadness. One day it'll all be gone

 

[Tesha]

Welcome!

The N will still be fine if never opened or exposed to light.

Diarrhoea is a side effect of meto, so it sounds like that's what you experienced.

With two bottles, you don't need to potentiate it - there's enough of a lethal dose already.

HTH

 

[whywere]

WELCOME!!! So nice having you here. I hope that you find like I have just how kind, caring and loving all the folks are here.

Just like one large family, so wonderful.

Lots of caring hugs and again, WELCOME!

Walter

 

[davidtorez]

Thanks guys. Some of the nicest people are the broken ones. Just like in the movie "Split" james mccvoy said " the broken are the more evolved" . I think people like us have evolved more to the point that we've become more sensitive to suffering and pain

Welcome!

The N will still be fine if never opened or exposed to light.

Diarrhoea is a side effect of meto, so it sounds like that's what you experienced.

With two bottles, you don't need to potentiate it - there's enough of a lethal dose already.

HTH

Is the diarrhoea side effect acceptable or should I try a different antiemetic?

 

[Tesha]

Is the diarrhoea side effect acceptable or should I try a different antiemetic?

I presume it took longer than a hour for the diarrhoea to start… and I'm guess you'll do a 12 hour or so fast, so I think it will be fine. However you need to feel comfortable, so there's no harm in trying a different one.

The annoying thing about joining this forum is it can have a habit if delaying your CTB decisions… it did for me, but I wish you the best with wherever your decisions take you.

 

[davidtorez]

I presume it took longer than a hour for the diarrhoea to start… and I'm guess you'll do a 12 hour or so fast, so I think it will be fine. However you need to feel comfortable, so there's no harm in trying a different one.

The annoying thing about joining this forum is it can have a habit if delaying your CTB decisions… it did for me, but I wish you the best with wherever your decisions take you.

I don't really remember how long after I took the pill the diarrhoea came on, but I think it was an hour or more and I hadn't fasted then. I have another antiemetic on hand also called Dramamine. I tested this one too and didn't have any side effects ? But I heard metoclopromide is the better one to take . I am 42 years old and 90kg. I hope 2 bottles of N from 2018 will do the trick . No date set, but because of my degrading joint situation I feel it'll be sooner than later. I can't see myself becoming an old decrepit bastard , it's just not me

 

[iloverachel]

Life sucks

 

[davidtorez]

Life sucks

More than sucks

 

[Endisclose]

I don't really remember how long after I took the pill the diarrhoea came on, but I think it was an hour or more and I hadn't fasted then. I have another antiemetic on hand also called Dramamine. I tested this one too and didn't have any side effects ? But I heard metoclopromide is the better one to take . I am 42 years old and 90kg. I hope 2 bottles of N from 2018 will do the trick . No date set, but because of my degrading joint situation I feel it'll be sooner than later. I can't see myself becoming an old decrepit bastard , it's just not me

Firstly, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the information you need to achieve a durable and everlasting peace. May I know how many pills you took before the diarrhoea started? Did it start at just one?

 

[wait.what]

Hi there, and welcome. I'm not sure if your username is your actual name, but if it is, you should probably talk to a mod about changing it. You really don't want to be personally identifiable here. If you're "lucky," someone might just doxx and harass you. If you're not, you get another delightful welfare check, your N gets confiscated, and you're likely to be forced into a psyche admission. I haven't heard of N purchasers being prosecuted for drug possession, but the threat of arrest could certainly be used to ensure you're compliant.

Also, in case you weren't aware, D disappeared quite some time ago, and no one else has come forward as a reliable N seller. Your bottles are irreplaceable, unless you know a bribeable veterinarian.

 

[davidtorez]

Firstly, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the information you need to achieve a durable and everlasting peace. May I know how many pills you took before the diarrhoea started? Did it start at just one?

I think it was only one from memory.

Hi there, and welcome. I'm not sure if your username is your actual name, but if it is, you should probably talk to a mod about changing it. You really don't want to be personally identifiable here. If you're "lucky," someone might just doxx and harass you. If you're not, you get another delightful welfare check, your N gets confiscated, and you're likely to be forced into a psyche admission. I haven't heard of N purchasers being prosecuted for drug possession, but the threat of arrest could certainly be used to ensure you're compliant.

Also, in case you weren't aware, D disappeared quite some time ago, and no one else has come forward as a reliable N seller. Your bottles are irreplaceable, unless you know a bribeable veterinarian.

No my user name is not my real name . I had my first batch of N get confiscated. It won't happen again that's for sure !

 

[Linda]

Welcome to SaSu. You will find a lot of useful information here, and you will also find support from members when you need it.

I'm puzzled by the medical details you provide. Osteo-arthritis is usually caused by "wear and tear", and it's not easy to over-use multiple joints so badly that you get it in many joints. Is there some underlying complication? Or is this just a result of over-doing the martial arts?

The reason I ask is that, if it's the latter, you may be able to recover, at least to some extent. I was plagued by osteo-arthritis in one knee when I was in my early 20s. But I learned that if I gave that knee plenty of rest, and stopped promptly what I was doing if it started to bother me, I was able to continue with my mountaineering and other activities. I still have to be careful not to push that knee too hard, but basically it has not been a problem for the last half century.

 

[davidtorez]

Welcome to SaSu. You will find a lot of useful information here, and you will also find support from members when you need it.

I'm puzzled by the medical details you provide. Osteo-arthritis is usually caused by "wear and tear", and it's not easy to over-use multiple joints so badly that you get it in many joints. Is there some underlying complication? Or is this just a result of over-doing the martial arts?

The reason I ask is that, if it's the latter, you may be able to recover, at least to some extent. I was plagued by osteo-arthritis in one knee when I was in my early 20s. But I learned that if I gave that knee plenty of rest, and stopped promptly what I was doing if it started to bother me, I was able to continue with my mountaineering and other activities. I still have to be careful not to push that knee too hard, but basically it has not been a problem for the last half century.

Hey! Thanks for your reply. Osteoarthritis in smaller joints such as what I have big toes etc are harder to deal with and heal or treat than the knee . My father has/had Osteoarthritis of the knee also between the ages of 50 and 60's and he's 74 now and with time it seems like it went away somehow, he does take fish oil and some other things. I've tried everything for the small joint Osteoarthritis and it's just getting worse. But my main problem is the tendonosis in majority of my other joints such as Achilles and elbows. These have all come about from over training in my younger years and I'm paying the price now that I'm in my 40s . My only distraction and happiness in life is physical activity, mostly martial arts but I love also hiking /camping , but those are near impossible to do now with my conditions. I've tried growth hormone injections , peptides, prp , nothing works unfortunately. I've wasted thousands of dollars on trying different things . My footwear itself is $900 just so that I can walk in relative comfort , even then I need to.sit down every so often to rest my feet. It's just fucked and most time I think just ending it would be so much easier, plus the anxiety overthinking about what will happen to me in the future etc. It's just hell really and I'm at that point always asking myself is It really worth it

 

[R_N]

I just want to say that I love your pfp. Michael Myers is my fav horror villain.

 

[Linda]

Thanks for all the details. Damage to tendons is slow to heal, because the places where they attach are not well supplied by blood vessels. But it does heal, albeit very slowly. I think your best strategy is to take things very easy. Get a little exercise of course, so you stay healthy in other respects, but don't put any more stress on joints and tendons than you absolutely have to. I think you might do better to give time a chance to do its thing, rather than spend money on expensive medications. (At best they probably won't help much, some won't help at all, and some of them can do more harm than good.)

Perhaps you could spend a couple of years doing no more activity than you need to stay healthy, and at the end of that re-consider whether ctb is the right choice. You sound as though your personality is pushing you towards physical activity, but I think that's something you would be wise to resist.

 

[davidtorez]

I just want to say that I love your pfp. Michael Myers is my fav horror villain.

Thanks! That's my cosplay pic. I dress up as Michael myers every year

 

[davidtorez]

Thanks for all the details. Damage to tendons is slow to heal, because the places where they attach are not well supplied by blood vessels. But it does heal, albeit very slowly. I think your best strategy is to take things very easy. Get a little exercise of course, so you stay healthy in other respects, but don't put any more stress on joints and tendons than you absolutely have to. I think you might do better to give time a chance to do its thing, rather than spend money on expensive medications. (At best they probably won't help much, some won't help at all, and some of them can do more harm than good.)

Perhaps you could spend a couple of years doing no more activity than you need to stay healthy, and at the end of that re-consider whether ctb is the right choice. You sound as though your personality is pushing you towards physical activity, but I think that's something you would be wise to resist.

I tried resting and no work during covid, the symptoms cleared up because I literally had no job, nothing to do nowhere to go, no exercise at all, after the lockdowns were finished, I got back into walking more and working, and all the pain just came back . I don't think rest will permanently cure my issues unfortunately. It will make the pain go away, but it won't heal the problems. Lack of work has also caused lack of money so I've been living with my father who has Terrible ocd. It's one hell after another, my only c comforting thought is having my 2 bottles of N In the fridge waiting for me to gather the courage to end it

 

[Linda]

Can youn find a job that makes few physical demands on you, i.e. one where you work more with your brain than your body?

 

[iloverachel]

Life sucks

 

[tbroken]

Life sucks

At least we found this wonderful community.

 

[numbed one]

Welcome hère with us , i've been a member since 2019 with différent names , and assume that yr lucky to find n , i'm from morocco (26yo) i can't buy it hère i didn't find any source yet .

 

[davidtorez]

Can youn find a job that makes few physical demands on you, i.e. one where you work more with your brain than your body?

I have no qualifications for other work. I cbf with studying at my age and memory span. My time for all that shit is over unfortunately.

 

[Linda]

I have no qualifications for other work. I cbf with studying at my age and memory span. My time for all that shit is over unfortunately.

Some jobs don't need much in the way of qualifications. Work at a call centre for example. (However, that's likely to be long hours.)

Age itself need not be a barrier to learning or doing new things. I taught myself to code in C++ starting at age 46. I learnt a new language starting at age 45. I learnt - and mastered - a style of traditional dancing starting at age 59. (I hadn't done any dancing of any kind since I was in my early 20s.) I mastered a difficult topic in biology starting at about age 53 (a topic that is distinct from, but relevant to, my main research interest) and am now regularly asked for advice on it even by the "experts" in that field.) In what little spare time I have, even now, at age 70, I try to study new topics in mathematics. My brother retired recently from his job as a doctor, and decided, at age 65, that he was going to do a PhD in an area involving the application of new statistical techniques to a particular problem in medicine. What you need to learn or do new things is motivation, of course. To get any motivation, you need to have some purpose or long term goal. In your case, the only purpose I can imagine you finding would be from a decision to make something of your life despite all your problems.

I don't know whether you will do that, or want to do that, and I can understand that you might consider it preferable to catch the bus. But I don't think ctb is inevitable for you. I think you could make a different choice, and make a success of it.

Whatever you decide, people here will try to support you.

 

[davidtorez]

Some jobs don't need much in the way of qualifications. Work at a call centre for example. (However, that's likely to be long hours.)

Age itself need not be a barrier to learning or doing new things. I taught myself to code in C++ starting at age 46. I learnt a new language starting at age 45. I learnt - and mastered - a style of traditional dancing starting at age 59. (I hadn't done any dancing of any kind since I was in my early 20s.) I mastered a difficult topic in biology starting at about age 53 (a topic that is distinct from, but relevant to, my main research interest) and am now regularly asked for advice on it even by the "experts" in that field.) In what little spare time I have, even now, at age 70, I try to study new topics in mathematics. My brother retired recently from his job as a doctor, and decided, at age 65, that he was going to do a PhD in an area involving the application of new statistical techniques to a particular problem in medicine. What you need to learn or do new things is motivation, of course. To get any motivation, you need to have some purpose or long term goal. In your case, the only purpose I can imagine you finding would be from a decision to make something of your life despite all your problems.

I don't know whether you will do that, or want to do that, and I can understand that you might consider it preferable to catch the bus. But I don't think ctb is inevitable for you. I think you could make a different choice, and make a success of it.

Whatever you decide, people here will try to support you.

Thank you for being really kind and supportive. It all makes sense . However, studying has never been for me, I don't have the patience and attention span for it, not to mention having fucked up my brain with years of amitriptyline and alcohol abuse. I have cut back the alcohol now. I have no energy and full of body pains, the last thing I can stand to think of is forcing myself to study something that I have zero interest in. I'm just waiting for my time to come where I'll be in too much pain to continue then I'll take one way bus to nothing land

 

[Linda]

Thank you for being really kind and supportive. It all makes sense . However, studying has never been for me, I don't have the patience and attention span for it, not to mention having fucked up my brain with years of amitriptyline and alcohol abuse. I have cut back the alcohol now. I have no energy and full of body pains, the last thing I can stand to think of is forcing myself to study something that I have zero interest in. I'm just waiting for my time to come where I'll be in too much pain to continue then I'll take one way bus to nothing land

The purpose of my post was not so much to encourage you to get into studying as it was to make the point that age itself need not be a barrier to achieving things.

Other things may be a barrier, notably someone's state of health, and that is obviously a major issue for you. But don't assume that you are over the hill just because you are aged 42. That is not old. I would give everything to be 42 again. If you can find a way to manage your health issues you might still have half your life in front of you. If you can find a way to manage your health issues, it might even be a reasonably good half.

Of course, if you consider that your health problems are too difficult to manage, everyone will understand. As I just said, we are here for you however you decide to proceed.

 

[davidtorez]

The purpose of my post was not so much to encourage you to get into studying as it was to make the point that age itself need not be a barrier to achieving things.

Other things may be a barrier, notably someone's state of health, and that is obviously a major issue for you. But don't assume that you are over the hill just because you are aged 42. That is not old. I would give everything to be 42 again. If you can find a way to manage your health issues you might still have half your life in front of you. If you can find a way to manage your health issues, it might even be a reasonably good half.

Of course, if you consider that your health problems are too difficult to manage, everyone will understand. As I just said, we are here for you however you decide to proceed.

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a martial arts teacher. The only thing that interests me is martial arts and associated things . Other than that, I have no other desires and my joint conditions won't allow me to do any of that. I spend my time reading books playing playstation and living with my old man who's 74 and has ocd which is disturbing enough, I can't afford to move out because i live in the second most expensive city in the world (Sydney).
Objectively speaking, I don't have much going for me . I'm just waiting for the courage to ctb and a way to get rid of my SI.

 

[Linda]

The only thing I ever wanted to be was a martial arts teacher. The only thing that interests me is martial arts and associated things . Other than that, I have no other desires and my joint conditions won't allow me to do any of that. I spend my time reading books playing playstation and living with my old man who's 74 and has ocd which is disturbing enough, I can't afford to move out because i live in the second most expensive city in the world (Sydney).
Objectively speaking, I don't have much going for me . I'm just waiting for the courage to ctb and a way to get rid of my SI.

Could you make videos that will teach other people about martial arts? You could take as much time as you want to prepare a video sequence demonstrating any particular point, so it would be much less physically demanding than doing it "live" in front of students.

That is not the way you had planned to be a teacher, but we have to adapt to the situation we find ourselves in. If you did it right, you could finish up teaching far more people than you ever would have done if you did it the conventional way. I spent 10 years planing to get out of the rat race and move to a particular country. When I got to that country, I realised within 2 months that it wasnt going to work out. So I had to change all my plans and move to another country - one where I didn't speak a word of the language. Literally, not a single word. (That's how I finished up having to learn a new language at age 45.) It wasn't easy. But, mainly out of necessity, I made it work, and I'm still in that country now.

Obstacles and setbacks are a real pain - literally so, in your case. But when they block the route you had intended to take, sometimes you can find another route.

Do you know the story of Demosthenes, in ancient Greece? He wanted to be an orator and make fine speeches (a necessity back then if you wanted to be active in political life). But the poor guy had a speech impediment, and everyone laughed at him when he spoke. He decided that wasn't going to stop him achieving his goal. So for years he practiced, in private, making speeches with pebbles in hs mouth, until he could be heard clearly even with that self-imposed handicap. Then he did it on the beach, still with the pebbles, until he could be heard clearly even above the roar of the waves. Finally, he took the pebbles out, went into public life, and became one of Athens greatest statesmen and orators. His speeches agains Philip of Macedon (father of Alexander the Great) are read and admired by classicists to this day.

 

[iloverachel]

Life is absolutely atrocious