Hi, my name is Jason. I'm 39 male from Australia.
Next week is my time to CTB.
I've have a lifetime of trauma, abuse and never felt like I fit in.
I've had friends come and go over the years & I've had relationships I thought were good until they leave.
I wasted 10 years with someone who only wanted me because I cared for her & had a good job, but she always made me feel that i wasn't good enough for her. I told myself it was just my own intrusive thoughts, and not real.
It came to an end with her when I really needed her, I was suffering emotionally more than I ever had & she decided she needed to do 'what was right' for herself, which just ment sleeping with as many random guys as she could until I found out.
Worse than that, even though I was not in a good place, I pulled myself together and traveled interstate for her brothers wedding because it was important to her. I know something was very wrong the days prior but she denied it, then the morning of the wedding she decided to tell me she wanted 'a break' and was planning on telling me when we got home.
She wanted me to attend the wedding like nothing was wrong, but I wasn't able to.
I flew home alone and tried for several weeks to find a way to fix the relationship but she wasn't interested, I was then forced to give her a choose to move out or agree to try and fix things because it was so hard to have her living in the same house and being some 'in between' situation. She decided to move out.
I constantly regret not just letting her stay.
Within a couple of months I found out she got pregnant within a couple of weeks of leaving and was in a relationship with the guy & they moved in together. I'm reasonably sure she was seeing him for at least a few months before she moved out but it still hurts so much that she could move on so easily, but at the same time I was happy that she was happy.
We remained friendly for a few years which just made it so much harder for me to let go.
It's been 8 years since then and I'm still not able to change how I feel, I miss what I thought she was even if it wasn't real.
I've dated one other person since then but that was a disaster in itself, I had to leave one night because she was constantly violent and I would have been murdered in my sleep (not joking). She could also be the nicest, most caring person too which made it a hard choice.
I decided 18 months ago that I would give it 12 months of really trying to improve things. I did therapy, found a psychiatrist and got better medications, built my business and tried to be more social.
The 12 month deadline came and went, nothing improved, things actually got worse overall.
Every day is painful, the anxiety, depression and loneliness is unbearable.
I don't want to CTB but I can't continue with the constant pain.
The relief I feel knowing that it will be over soon.
Hi everyone. I'm 36F originally from the UK but currently in Poland. No diagnosed disorders, mainly because I don't trust psychs and I'm pretty good at masking as normal. Here because I desperately want kids but I'm physically incapable of getting pregnant due to a birth defect. No medical solution, just either acceptance (or not, in my case). I'm a computer and sci-fi geek. I love music of all types and produce trance music, albeit poorly. Anyway, look forward to chatting with likeminded people.
Welcome! Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm a bit of a sci-fi geek too. What's the one sci-fi series you could happily watch over and over?
I've been extremely bored the last few days which is making me think about my problems more which isn't great. My discord is sonnymedia so if you wanna talk or anything you can reach out. I Hope you all have a great day
