Hey everyone, nice to meet you! I've been checking out this forum for the last couple of weeks. It's kind of comforting to know that other people are struggling as much as I am, so that's why I also wanted to join this community.
I'm a 36-year-old female and I live in Western Europe. I find it hard to talk about myself and talk about how I'm feeling because I'm just not good at it. It's always a struggle to find the right words and to be able to express what's going on in my head. I'm also a bit shy and I have social anxiety, which makes it also difficult to talk to people in real life.
Okay, just typing this was already proving difficult… oh no
But I want to make the effort to share a bit about what's going on in my life, so here it goes.
I've been struggling with my mental health for about half of my life now. My first major depression happened when I was 17 years old. Since then it's been a rollercoaster, going up and down and up and down…
Right now I'm at the lowest that I've ever been. I keep thinking about CTB because I just don't see myself getting better anymore. I don't like who I am, I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence, social anxiety, I feel like I'm stuck in certain patterns and behaviors, I keep messing things up, it feels like my memory is declining, I've been in survival mode for so long now, ... I feel like I'm so behind in life and I'm just tired and I lost all motivation to try to improve things.
At the moment I'm living with my parents after ending a relationship of almost 13 years (we broke up about 6 months ago). I don't have a job and I can't afford to rent an apartment. My parents are retired, which makes living here extremely annoying for me because they are almost always home. I need a lot of alone time, and being alone in my room is not enough for me. I want to be home alone, that's when I feel my best and I can recharge and just be myself. So this living situation now is driving me crazy!
I also ruined the friendship I had with my best friend (also the only friend I had). I first moved in with him after the breakup because he was the only other option (and better option) besides my parents, but things just started going wrong. After about 3 months he asked me to move out. I don't really want to explain everything that happened, but it was mostly because of me being emotionally needy when I was feeling down and then lashing out at him afterwards because he didn't give me the love and attention I so badly needed in those moments. I always felt bad after doing that and always apologized. (I think I might have BPD?) But what it comes down to is that something broke between us and the amazing friendship we had is just gone now. He said his feelings changed and that he can't feel empathy or compassion for me anymore and that he can't help it. For me it feels like he abandoned me, although I can understand that feelings can change. But it hurts like hell and thinking about him and what happened always makes me cry. So yeah, of course I'm crying right now typing this. He was so important to me and the only person I could really talk to.
This happening was actually what pushed me over the edge and made me start thinking about CTB. Although it's really a combination of so many small and big things that make me not want to live anymore.
I actually planned to CTB 2 weeks ago by jumping, but when I was standing there ready to do it I suddenly had my doubts. I was so scared that it wasn't heigh enough and I would mess it up and somehow survive the fall.
A few days later I attempted partial hanging when my parents weren't home for a while. But I wasn't really that well prepared and still had to figure out how to do it and find a rope and make the right knots and all that. I made an attempt but couldn't get myself to pass out and then time started running out, so I just gave up.
I really regret not jumping because I have now started to feel a bit scared to CTB. While I had absolutely no fears 2 weeks ago and I was so ready for it.
So yeah, I feel like shit. But at least I'll feel a little less alone now that I'm here.
There's still more I could share, but for now I'll leave it at that. This already took me way too long to put into words
and cost a lot of energy.
I also wasn't sure if I should post it here or make a new thread because it's kind of long and maybe too much information for this "Introduce yourself" thread. I decided to leave it here, a bit afraid to start a new thread. I definitely don't mind if no one reacts to this post.
Thank you so much for reading!
