Hi all,
If you've read any of the above,
Then you've my genuine thanks,
-p
I'm a new member here obviously. I've long been aware of the option of suicide and it's ramifications, and have long been a laissez-faire liberal that has held suicide to be the final option only respectfully within their control. I'm intelligent, any topic I set my mind to, I'll become an expert on, but any action I set my mind to, I'll get bored by and not return to.
Due to a life path beyond my control, but still very much one of my own making and blame, I feel my days are numbered and drawing closer. I'm aware not to believe every thought my brain creates, I wish I was diagnosed with ADHD/Autism 20years ago to have given me the recognition and tools to control my behaviour, but it's too little too late.
I've recently experienced 5months of severe depression: everyday I would wake up feeling like the empty plastic carrier bag under the kitchen sink. Crumpled, empty, neglected, and with no light. Should I have helped myself then? Yes. Should I have helped myself prior? Yes. Could I have helped myself recently? Yes. Can I help myself in future? I've stopped relying on myself to help me.
Due to a life path beyond my control, but still very much one of my own making and blame, I feel my days are numbered and drawing closer. I'm aware not to believe every thought my brain creates, I wish I was diagnosed with ADHD/Autism 20years ago to have given me the recognition and tools to control my behaviour, but it's too little too late.
I've recently experienced 5months of severe depression: everyday I would wake up feeling like the empty plastic carrier bag under the kitchen sink. Crumpled, empty, neglected, and with no light. Should I have helped myself then? Yes. Should I have helped myself prior? Yes. Could I have helped myself recently? Yes. Can I help myself in future? I've stopped relying on myself to help me.
My first willful "attempt" at suicide was at 19, when I hated my life studying a university subject I'd lost faith in, and had sank into a deep alcoholism that continue to this evening, by getting rat arsed and sleeping outside in <5c degrees. I think I lasted about 2hours before the drink wore off or I got hungry. Pathetic, it was hardly a cry for help.
My next serious consideration was 5 yers later, working in field data verification for a very well known search engine. There was a team night out, and with two bottles of wine in my belly, making my way through a club-crowd a female coworker said to me, "you touch me and I call the police." Not only did I not know her name, but I hadn't even thought her attractive for 5seconds... I went home early, laying on the hotel bathroom floor for 1hr with my penknife to my throat, thinking how unfair the world is.
My uncle committed suicide by shotgun around 15years ago: he was a very succesfull legislator (production thereof, not the policy maker), and was constantly stressed, although the most friendliest and boystrous any one could want for an uncle. But I believe when the Dr withdrew his benzo meds (at a time when Benzo Withdrawal wasn't as well known as it is today amongst medical professionals), he looked to his gun cabinet on a Thursday evening, and I didn't stop hearing my mum or my granny crying for two weeks thereafter.
Over the passed two years, I've lost two friends by surprise to suicide, whom I knew since I was 5 and the other since 12. The former went by opioid overdose after courts ruled against his parental rights, whilst the latter went by hanging with a bottle of vodka to comfort him but without known justification. It was the latter friend's suicide last December '23 that really drove my mental health into the ground.
My next serious consideration was 5 yers later, working in field data verification for a very well known search engine. There was a team night out, and with two bottles of wine in my belly, making my way through a club-crowd a female coworker said to me, "you touch me and I call the police." Not only did I not know her name, but I hadn't even thought her attractive for 5seconds... I went home early, laying on the hotel bathroom floor for 1hr with my penknife to my throat, thinking how unfair the world is.
My uncle committed suicide by shotgun around 15years ago: he was a very succesfull legislator (production thereof, not the policy maker), and was constantly stressed, although the most friendliest and boystrous any one could want for an uncle. But I believe when the Dr withdrew his benzo meds (at a time when Benzo Withdrawal wasn't as well known as it is today amongst medical professionals), he looked to his gun cabinet on a Thursday evening, and I didn't stop hearing my mum or my granny crying for two weeks thereafter.
Over the passed two years, I've lost two friends by surprise to suicide, whom I knew since I was 5 and the other since 12. The former went by opioid overdose after courts ruled against his parental rights, whilst the latter went by hanging with a bottle of vodka to comfort him but without known justification. It was the latter friend's suicide last December '23 that really drove my mental health into the ground.
Most recently with the straight 5months of depression, I returned to asking myself how I would CTB. I've determined that I'm not going to leave any notes or messages, not make any phonecalls, not involve any other people with it circumstantially, and that I'll go during the night time.
I can't live the next 12months how I lived the passed 7m, but I know I have no choice and I'm now a firm believe of "things can only get worse", not better. Every decision I make is the wrong decision, and just increases the effort to correct my life. I stopped caring so long ago, that I can only blame the fruits of my labour on me.
This weekend passed, I spoke with a priest for 30mins, and confessed everything I've done, wholly admitting that I only have myself to blame, and thanking him simply for listening when I have no one else to listen to me here without judgement.
Over the weekend, I visited the 3 Bridges in my city to evaluate the ballustrade height with the intention of sitting and falling back, but I felt so crushed inside, with so little energy, knowing that just looking through the gaps at the drop I couldn't do it.
I am a coward. If I do anything in life, it's with the least possible effort, it's as simple as that, I make no bones about it, dropping just isn't for me.
I can't live the next 12months how I lived the passed 7m, but I know I have no choice and I'm now a firm believe of "things can only get worse", not better. Every decision I make is the wrong decision, and just increases the effort to correct my life. I stopped caring so long ago, that I can only blame the fruits of my labour on me.
This weekend passed, I spoke with a priest for 30mins, and confessed everything I've done, wholly admitting that I only have myself to blame, and thanking him simply for listening when I have no one else to listen to me here without judgement.
Over the weekend, I visited the 3 Bridges in my city to evaluate the ballustrade height with the intention of sitting and falling back, but I felt so crushed inside, with so little energy, knowing that just looking through the gaps at the drop I couldn't do it.
I am a coward. If I do anything in life, it's with the least possible effort, it's as simple as that, I make no bones about it, dropping just isn't for me.
I Googled online for darknet suicide discussion, and found here. I'm determined that if I don't follow through with SN, then I'm keeping it as my go to if I find myself in the depths of despairity. I've placed my order with DMC, and I'm simply trying to resolve supplementary Anti-Emetics/Painkillers/Antacids. I honestly feel better knowing this is within my control, that I have a quiet out at hand, and all this time, perhaps for 15years, I always knew this was my life would end.
If you've read any of the above,
Then you've my genuine thanks,
-p
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