Introduce yourself

[paparoach]

Hi all,

Spoiler: About Me

I'm a new member here obviously. I've long been aware of the option of suicide and it's ramifications, and have long been a laissez-faire liberal that has held suicide to be the final option only respectfully within their control. I'm intelligent, any topic I set my mind to, I'll become an expert on, but any action I set my mind to, I'll get bored by and not return to.

Due to a life path beyond my control, but still very much one of my own making and blame, I feel my days are numbered and drawing closer. I'm aware not to believe every thought my brain creates, I wish I was diagnosed with ADHD/Autism 20years ago to have given me the recognition and tools to control my behaviour, but it's too little too late.

I've recently experienced 5months of severe depression: everyday I would wake up feeling like the empty plastic carrier bag under the kitchen sink. Crumpled, empty, neglected, and with no light. Should I have helped myself then? Yes. Should I have helped myself prior? Yes. Could I have helped myself recently? Yes. Can I help myself in future? I've stopped relying on myself to help me.

Spoiler: Suicides

My first willful "attempt" at suicide was at 19, when I hated my life studying a university subject I'd lost faith in, and had sank into a deep alcoholism that continue to this evening, by getting rat arsed and sleeping outside in <5c degrees. I think I lasted about 2hours before the drink wore off or I got hungry. Pathetic, it was hardly a cry for help.

My next serious consideration was 5 yers later, working in field data verification for a very well known search engine. There was a team night out, and with two bottles of wine in my belly, making my way through a club-crowd a female coworker said to me, "you touch me and I call the police." Not only did I not know her name, but I hadn't even thought her attractive for 5seconds... I went home early, laying on the hotel bathroom floor for 1hr with my penknife to my throat, thinking how unfair the world is.

My uncle committed suicide by shotgun around 15years ago: he was a very succesfull legislator (production thereof, not the policy maker), and was constantly stressed, although the most friendliest and boystrous any one could want for an uncle. But I believe when the Dr withdrew his benzo meds (at a time when Benzo Withdrawal wasn't as well known as it is today amongst medical professionals), he looked to his gun cabinet on a Thursday evening, and I didn't stop hearing my mum or my granny crying for two weeks thereafter.

Over the passed two years, I've lost two friends by surprise to suicide, whom I knew since I was 5 and the other since 12. The former went by opioid overdose after courts ruled against his parental rights, whilst the latter went by hanging with a bottle of vodka to comfort him but without known justification. It was the latter friend's suicide last December '23 that really drove my mental health into the ground.

Spoiler: Bridges

Most recently with the straight 5months of depression, I returned to asking myself how I would CTB. I've determined that I'm not going to leave any notes or messages, not make any phonecalls, not involve any other people with it circumstantially, and that I'll go during the night time.

I can't live the next 12months how I lived the passed 7m, but I know I have no choice and I'm now a firm believe of "things can only get worse", not better. Every decision I make is the wrong decision, and just increases the effort to correct my life. I stopped caring so long ago, that I can only blame the fruits of my labour on me.

This weekend passed, I spoke with a priest for 30mins, and confessed everything I've done, wholly admitting that I only have myself to blame, and thanking him simply for listening when I have no one else to listen to me here without judgement.

Over the weekend, I visited the 3 Bridges in my city to evaluate the ballustrade height with the intention of sitting and falling back, but I felt so crushed inside, with so little energy, knowing that just looking through the gaps at the drop I couldn't do it.

I am a coward. If I do anything in life, it's with the least possible effort, it's as simple as that, I make no bones about it, dropping just isn't for me.

Spoiler: Today

I Googled online for darknet suicide discussion, and found here. I'm determined that if I don't follow through with SN, then I'm keeping it as my go to if I find myself in the depths of despairity. I've placed my order with DMC, and I'm simply trying to resolve supplementary Anti-Emetics/Painkillers/Antacids. I honestly feel better knowing this is within my control, that I have a quiet out at hand, and all this time, perhaps for 15years, I always knew this was my life would end.

If you've read any of the above,
Then you've my genuine thanks,
-p

 

[before20]

Hey all.

The name's before20, but Mo is fine too. I'm 19, FtM, and my plan is to CTB before I turn 20. I've heard more than half of all humans born never made it to 20 and I find that strangely beautiful—I'll be just one of many joining a long-standing tradition of humanity.

My 20th birthday isn't until five months out so I'll be sticking around here for a while. I have some bucket list-type things I want to knock off before I'm gone.

I'm also a bit awkward (and ignorant about navigating the site), so please bear with me. That being said, I'm excited to be here.

I hope you all make it, but most of all, I hope you're happy.

Mo.

 

[cowboydan]

Hi.

I'm just a guy (transmasc) posting about random stuff until my eventual ctb. I just turned 19 (todays my birthday) and i have autism and adhd. Music is my favorite thing so I like talking about it any chance I get. You can just call me Dan. My username is from a Modest Mouse song, they're one of my favorite bands. I'm glad there's communities like this where I can express my feelings of life with people who understand.


Thanks for reading.

 

[AdamfromtheUK]

I'm a 39 year old male from the UK with a long history of mental health problems.

 

[StonerVsAlly]

hi y'all, i'm StoonerVsAlly (had to use StonerVsAlly since the first time i'm rejected), i'm a young adult that's gotten a difficulty in life because of my overthinking mind, in comparison, i'm like one of those insane conspiracy theorist on media, except that i'm not that insane and mine is actually makes sense heheh. but seriously tho, my overthinking is not about conspiracy theory but rather it's mostly about insight of everything around us, and as you might expect it's really tire me out and it torment me. you can ask me what those are about because it's a pretty neat stuff

 

[DefyGravity]

Hello, I'm Defying Gravity somehow. 24 years old non-binary, ADHD with OCD, depression and severe social anxiety, and still can't get a college degree. I like art, but can't draw. Like music, but can't sing. Not really good at anything. Hoping to find the courage to try and fly off a really tall object.

 

[hohohohotdog]

Hello to any that read this! im 19, queer, diagnosed with adhd (although I most likely have undiagnosed social anxiety and autism). Im into anime, manga/hwas etc, games, drawing, and other stuff that I cant recall at the top of my head!

Discovered this site a few hours ago after searching for ways to die in the future (not that I have the guts to lol). I was suprised but after looking through, it feels very comforting to know that it has a supportive and relatable community.

why I decided to make an account? I'll probably just vent, or barely post and just look around.. but my main reason is that i'd like advice for things (which i'll make a seperate post about), and to connect with other people. I am currently going through college, which is probably one of the most stressful and isolated times I have felt throughout my life as I have social anxiety and dont have any friends there at all..

I know this may not be the best place for it, but I hope that I can make some online friends here at least :,) , well, whether or not it happens, I hope to get along with this community!

 

[missedmybus]

Hello everyone,

I'm a new member. I am a mid 30s male from Europe.

I grew up with a violent father and a lot of un-/mis- diagnosed mental issues. I'd like to not delve to deep into all of this, but I have been planning to catch my bus since I was 14.

I went through most anti depressants before I turned 20. I am back in therapy the last few years, but there is no progress there, just a releasing of pressure. I also practice zen meditation, which does give some relief, but also isn't a solution.

My mother and grandfather protected me from my father, so I feel a moral obligation to at least wait them out.

This is getting harder and harder by the years.

If you were to meet me, or read about me on paper you probably wouldn't suspect me to be suicidal. I have had relationships, friendships and good jobs. This is not to brag. There is something wrong in my brain which doesn't allow me to feel joy like a typical person would.

Between the ages of 14 and my my mid 20s I didn't spend a single day sober, and did shady business to make money. After that I worked manual labour, while studying on my own to get to a cushy IT job. This all worked, and I had, from an objective point of view, good friends and relationships in this period.

For me it never felt this way though. I always have felt down, and less-than. My childhood addictions also rear it's ugly heads every now and then, which causes my mask of cordiality and funny guy to slip every now and then.

I was put into a mental hospital when I attempted to exit before, but as soon as I realized I had failed and was stuck there, I had to play it off as a "woops I guess I just got too drunk heehee, nothing to worry about" type situation.

Most of my "decent" friends dropped me after this attempt. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time as well since I couldn't put her through living with me any longer.

Now I am basically alone again. I have one or two friends who know my plan, but I don't think they understand how serious I am about it.

Basically I am running out the clock on my mom and grandpa, and I could use some support until they die. It is becoming more and more difficult each year to keep up this facade of "everything is alright". People know I'm a bit of a downer, but I make a lot of sardonic/dark humor jokes, and it seems they believe I am doing well somehow.

I will probably be around for a while, since even my grandfather is still alive, and then I have to wait out the other one as well after.

It's nice meeting you all. If you need any advice on life or anything else, I will be here. I have pulled quite a few people out of drug addiction and depression over the last decade, and I feel it is my moral obligation to keep doing this while I run out the clock.

I hope I can be a valuable asset to this community, and I hope I can find some relief talking to some kindred spirits.

 

[quietism]

Hello, 26 F from Australia. I'm a phd student in STEM, the problems are fun but it's very male dominated and I don't really make friends with my colleagues. I found out from FOI requests that I was suicidal since I was six, I've had many attempts and many trips to hospital but I never did any permanent damage. I don't have a family and I've always struggled with loneliness, there have been some blips of happy moments but I've never really felt included and welcome in a community for more than a month or so.

I have many wishes of pretty simple things. People to talk to and hang out with, read with, play games with, watch movies/anime with and make society better. I want to learn and I think it's really fun to learn together with others. I like to fiddle with linux and technology things, and I wish I could do that with other people, and talk about philosophy/politics in a "fun" way, making it more of a game than a battleground, but that feels a bit more wishful thinking. This week it occurred to me the last time a person touched me was 2-3 years ago, I realised it when there was an older lady passing me by on the street and saw me crying and talked to me and hugged me. I wish I could engage better with my local communities to help with that, but despite going out and trying this the past couple years, it's really common that I just get harassed or ignored and it's really degrading.

I think to myself, if I had the choice of living for another few decades knowing that I could wish as much as I like but never have the chance to fulfill any wishes due to them relying on other people, that would be a pretty miserable few decades. So I thought to come here and try to make some friends, I looked back at my life and thought the people with the most thoughtful ideas seemed to generally be suicidal as well.

I think my biggest wish is to find a person which I can unreservedly donate this expression to:
"Thank you for being accountable, keeping your promises, and being willing to face and deal with problems regardless of their complexity."

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I'm gonna start by something simple, explaining my username because I chose something very meaningful to me. Two of the things that I love most in my life and that have been a cause of great pain these past few months which is what has driven me to the point of considering ctb.

Michi is slang in LatAm for kitten, it's the nickname we had with my ex. I was her michi, she was my michi. She blindsided me 7 months ago and dumped me for another man after a lovely and healthy relationship that she said had been the best in her life. I still love her, her coming back is my only hope right now, but she seems to be happy with the walking red flag of a man she chose over me. She's a beautiful linguistics student whom I met during a pivotal moment in time, we loved cooking together, watching her favorite series, and she was my first love since I acknowledged being demisexual. She loves dancing, has beautiful light brown eyes, and a loud goofy laugh I just can't forget.

Violeta is the name of my racecar, a purple 1993 Suzuki Swift GTi with a ton of mods and around 300 HP. I got her years ago, after my first ex dumped me for another man. It was a gift from my mother and gave me a lot of confidence and hope in myself: I was no longer just a boring heartbroken philosophy bachelor, I finally could have a shot at my childhood dream of being a racecar driver. I've beaten cars costing ten times as much on the track and was known in a street racing group for a while. Sadly these past few years have brought more struggles and broken parts than results and joys so last year I gave up on her after a gearbox failure on the last event of the year.

That already says a lot about myself. I'm a romantic, a sensitive sort of midnight cowboy, a heartbroken Don Quixote that can't catch a break. And my heart belongs to a michi and to Violeta.

 

[WaistedPotential]

30 M. The name says it all. I can never finish my creations, so I'm an assorted collection of unfinished dreams and broken things all chucked haphazardly onto the same shelf. But, by God, I can give you a detailed breakdown of every inch of Dark Souls from memory.

 

[SewingDust]

Hey~!

Who I am​

So... Since a few months I am 30 years old and it is so strange... I feel the same as when I was 20...

I am male and I am ok with my gender, but my mind is probably more feminine... I am very romantic and sensitive. I love stars and fireflies in the post-harvest fields and the sound of the wind in the aspen groves... This days I work in the city, so it has been years since I saw and heard them...

My passion is entomology (science about insects). I even wrote some articles about mushroom-eating beetles, it was fun research :3
I like anime, especially the slice of life titles with a leisurely, calming vibe~

Why I'm here​

I had a difficult childhood - domestic violence, bullying at school, ignored neurological problems. So for the last 15 years I have been struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder, mixed personality disorder and other things. I have tried everything to cure myself and it is what it is...
So... For now this is all~! <3

 

[durros]

Hello,

I'm a 32-year-old man from the US.

It's been rough. I'm sad and tired. There have been good times, but I've never been truly happy. More than happiness, I think I've just wanted to feel safe in this world. I don't feel like I belong here.

Some recent life events have me feeling hopeless and worthless, more than ever before. I'm alone, running out of money, struggling to keep my job because of this depression, and I would very much like to leave. I'm not totally set on my decision at this time. If a little life goes my way I may be able to get through this. But, it's been bad enough that I'm here. I have already made some preparations, just so I will be ready if the time comes.

I'm hoping to do some more research over the coming days to inform my decision and process.

 

[sambabawee]

Hello everyone,
I am normally not kind of person to write (I like the idea of me being the observer), but I need really to vent. My apologies for anyone reading this.

36M wasted potential and space in this world here.

My parents had me in their early 20's and didn't raise me well. Growing up I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused on regular basis and my parents never gave me the attention I craved. I was also never allowed to leave the house until 18 so I pretty much lived a socially reclusive life. Besides depression, I am diagnosed with severe CPTSD (which I just found out a month ago) and a maybe BPD (my opinion). I am currently in a process of a divorce and it's been a month since I haven't seen my two kids. I miss them so much that it is impossible to bury and hide all the pain. I also sold my business in order to pay my debt caused by COVID. For the past 6 years I have tried my best to be the best father, husband and son. I gave up all my wants and passions in order to raise my kids but things just started crumbling one after another. Today I have no job, no friends, no money, no family - NOTHING. 36 years of my life and I haven't conquered a single thing.

Today I was finally able to purchase my SN and I plan to CTB on the last day of the month.
I have forgiven my parents and my wife for what they have done to me, but the hardest person to forgive seems to be myself. I just can't. Period.
I'm not looking for any anyone to ctb with me, I just want someone to talk to, someone who can relate.

 

[undoinglife]

Hello I want to start by saying I'm very shy, [I mainly like posts, but would like to comment more eventually. (: ]

-28 female in the Midwest of America.

I was bullied in school and I've never been in a relationship[never held hands or kissed anyone/never been on a date].

Throughout my childhood I remember wanting friends, but not being able to make any.

Fast forward to the present, I can't make eye contact and barely leave my room. I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past and wondering if this is all my life will ever be.

 

[derekWest]

hi every one !

I'm 30M from western europe.

I'm here because i'm depressed and i'm fear to live for maybe 50/60 years of painful life...

i'm autistic with asperger's syndrome. i have a master degree in telecommunication system. I was good in studies but not in the world market...

i work as developper for two years, now i'm in sick leave.
I don't know what to do except find a ctb mean juste in case if my life going worse... and keep genuine choice and not suffer my life.

Pro-choice for ever and for everyone !

 

[x3la]

Hey everyone,

I'm Alex, 25M from somewhere in northern europe.
I've been living with suicidal thoughts on and off for about 10 years now. I spent a year in therapy which ultimately led nowhere. And that was before i started questioning my gender identity.

One of the few things i live for is working at/helping arrange cosplay conventions, from which i've met most of my aquaintances. I say that because we meet up at every event and have a great time together, only to basically go back to our respective corners of the world and not have any contact between events. One of my biggest goals is to cosplay myself, but it seems more and more likely that it will never happen.

I've struggled a lot throughout my childhood with being an outsider and feeling left out, and going to a trade school instead of uni (at the height of covid) didn't change that. Despite that, i somehow managed to get a relatively stable job and coworkers that seem to appreciate me. Still doesn't stop me from resorting to wanting to CTB anytime an inconvenience happens. Or anytime i compare myself to others.

Why am i here? I don't know really. I found it when i was having a particularly bad episode, and found a lot of posts resonating with me. It feels like a safe place to be open, instead of just screaming into the void that is chatgpt.

 

[Languish]

..Hey.

Name's Lan, and I don't know who I am. I've lived a lifetime of loss. I've never been able to maintain relationships, and isolate as a result. Each loss has stripped away a fundamental part of my being, and now I am left hollow.

I'm a chameleon. I can fit in anywhere, be anything, because I don't have a shape of my own. I've lost myself, and I'm afraid it's the kind of lost that can't be found.

 

[Ann M.]

Hello! Late 50's, parents and most all family gone except one kid that ex is trying to take away from me. My kid is my life and reason for living. But ex is ruining me financially and keeping kid from me. Legal system is making it worse - it's all about money.

I have no reason to live without my kid. And ex is like a terminator - will never stop making my life miserable until one of us is dead.

On the exit mailing list. Doesn't look like they will be able to help. But then sometimes I think the stress will kill me itself so I might not need to do anything.

Part of me needs to stay alive in case kid needs me someday and I wish I had enough money to help others in this situation too. But I struggle to even pay rent much less have enough for other people.

So I think about it everyday. Wish exit had a viable way to do it that is available now.

And I'm not depressed, Im demoralized.

 

[bittersweetgoodbye]

hi everyone, i'm not sure how to introduce myself to a group of people who all have the same ctb goal but here goes. i guess i'm a typical cynical gen xer who realized pretty early on that the world is trash and there won't be anything to look forward to as far as a retirement or life after drudging through some kind of meaningless career goes. and sadly that's all coming true way faster than we all thought.

but atypically, my whole life as far as i can remember, i've pretty much felt like death would be such a relief. objectively, i've had a very good life: upper middle class overall, i've had two great marriages (i'm still great friends with my ex), been happily child free, have a 'fulfilling' career serving others, etc. so on top of always wanting to die, i feel guilty for feeling that way because objectively there's no reason to. i even take anxiety and depression meds and while they alleviate the acute feelings, i still want to die. i still hate this world. i still think death would be a relief. i still wish every night that i would never wake up. i would still trade every single awesome thing that has ever happened in my life for death. at this point i feel like it's more of a practical mindset than a problematic one.

so i'm here to finally figure out how to get it done in the best way. i had one failed attempt as a teen and don't want another one. and in the meantime i am hoping to find some kindred spirits here where we understand each other and can actually talk about this stuff in a practical, real way without someone's judgement or freaking out or threatening to commit us.

thanks for coming to my ted talk!

 

[milkteacrown]

Hi! I'm Sasha, 23, nonbinary. I don't have anything that I enjoy per se, but I often watch anime, play video games, and write. I want to become friends with users on SaSu someday. I'm diagnosed with BPD and four other mental illnesses I'd rather not share because that identifies me more in my post history.

 

[polly10]

Polly here. 49 live in Ireland originally from NYC. US Navy Veteran. I had depression and PTSD before I joined the Navy!! I have attempted suicide first time at the age of 12. I OD on pills. I once got a gun to shot myself but change chickened out I got hopeful, what a mistake that was!! I would like to know how you all think of Sodium Nitrite poisoning???

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Hey guys. I'm 28 years old.

I'm quite scared all around. Whatever path I go down will be terrifying. I rolled some bad sets of dice on this life. I rolled really bad in the family department. So. Re-roll I guess. The terrible things that can happen in life haunt me. PTSD, sexually abused as a child, drug addiction, panic disorder, major depression, SH. I'm collecting mental illnesses and trauma for my pokedex. Almost to a full achievement!

I really love people, so I'll probably be trying to save peoples' lives here on some level or offering tips I've learned along my path. I don't want anyone to die, but, well, given my own circumstances, I know very well sometimes that's the only option. And it's a journey we all have to take eventually, anyway.

 

[agapewinters]

Hey y'all, I'm agape, i am currently a 22 year old trans woman and im suffering!

For most of my life I've spent in and out of isolated states, dealing with the echoes of bipolar, cPTSD, autism and gender dysphoria..
It's been a long journey of dealing with a constant looming sensation of self-loathing and hatred for my own existence lol.
The remnants of childhood trauma, failed relationships, failed jobs and sexual assaults ring through my ears like nothing else, and the worst feeling in the world is knowing that you're alone in that feeling.
The worst thing in the world is knowing no matter how much you try, you'll always be too short to ride the rollercoaster of happiness (or hell, even normalcy).
Despite this however, I've been striving to cling onto semblances of hope, pacifying myself I suppose lol.
I don't even know if I'll CTB for certain but maybe talking about my feelings in a place that doesn't constantly tell me I'm insane will help.

I'm looking forward to our future conversations SS forums

 

[Quantumend]

Hello to everyone! I'm 37 male, from Europe, been dealing with serious health problems lately, but been thinking for suicide for a long time before - like 7-8 years ago. Just can't do it while my parents are still alive, it will crush them for whatever life is still remaining in them. I've been diagnosed before 5 years with depression and anxiety, took Effexor XR for almost three years, an gained like 30 kilos. Then, me and my therapist stopped it, and now I have to start it again, but having so much health troubles makes the situation a little difficult. Anyway, I like to read a lot, mainly Sci-Fi, watch cool movies from time to time, and love classical music - its my profession.

 

[Marbas]

Hi all. 30 F. I have ADHD, CPTSD and anxiety (which has crippled me with agoraphobia.)Also SH as well. I have unfortunately survived multiple attempts to CTB over the years and medications never helped. Only made my life worse. I'm sure one of these days I'll successfully CTB. I think the biggest lie I've been told since I was a teenager is that life gets better. Sitting here at 30 it's only gotten much worse from the neglect, bullying and abuse I went through as a kid. For me as a person I'm a goth chick who listens to rock, metal, pop, kpop and jpop. As for hobbies I write, do art and play videogames.

 

[25jiyuki]

Hi, I'm Yuki, I'm 18 and live in America.

I've wanted to leave this world as far back as I remember. I used to make a promise to myself every New Years, that if the next year got worse, I would end it all. Unfortunately my SI and relationships have kept me here. Not sure what direction my life is gonna go.

It's nice to find a place where things like this can be talked about. Nice to meet you all.

 

[Chains&Whips]

Hi everyone
I'm 22 M from the Midwest. I always thought I was able to do great things when I get older. Turns out I've been getting further from that mindset as I go. I finished college, but it has been hard trying to get a job that I've learned for. I don't know what I really want to do and I feel nothing.
As for hobbies, I mostly listen to rap and play video games.

 

[blueskied_anclear]

hey everyone
young man from the UK, don't feel like specifying much beyond that for privacy reasons
i've been lurking regularly on this forum since last july-august, the first time i truly lapsed from passive to active suicidal ideation. even just reading and not interacting here has helped me a lot in those darker moments. the sense of common ground between us all on such a minority experience of life and the lack of judgement is comforting for someone who's truly of the belief that dying is the only way out
i've decided it might help to actually join and talk here as that ideation is just getting worse and worse and i think this sense of interacting with a community could help numb the pain ( + I need some clarification on my method)
for some info about me, my primary hobby is drawing, which i've finally recently got back into after a 3-4 year long chronic depression-induced art block and am feeling good about. i like anime, video games, literature and things like that
excited to post some art in the art thread, partake in the mythical boys vs girls counting game, etc. - happy to be here

 

[TurboCharcha]

Hello,

I got disabled by COVID19 more than two years ago. Since, my life consists of doing minimal house maintenance, barely walking my dog and being in bed most of the time. Alone. I have never really liked life and I have thought about death since a very young age. There have been ups and downs, but the ups are not worth the suffering of the downs, and now, with my disability, I have even less hope for the future and cannot enjoy much of any moment.

I am thankful for this forum. It truly is the only place I feel comfortable speaking my mind, which seems to be quite similar to some other minds here. I like that.