Introduce yourself

[Valon]

Valon here. So I've been lurking these forums for about a month now. Didn't think I'd actually make an account, but here I am. I'm turning 25 in a little over a week and it's depressing. I've accomplished next to nothing in my life and feel completely stuck. Not sure how long I plan on staying but I figured it'd be a good idea to vent a bit before I go.

 

[LabRat]

Hello.

Joined today but used to frequent the old subreddits (sanctionedsuicide, timetogo, etc.). I guess that speaks for itself - I'm just not able to get myself out of the gutter.

25. Male. US. Grad student. Don't want to live; don't want to die.

I was always a shy/anxious kid. As I grew up, my mental health progressively deteriorated, to the point where I developed severe DP/DR, a degree of agoraphobia, and associated depression. I was reluctantly sucked into the psychiatric merry-go-round, chewed up, and spit out. The system left me with numerous persisting health issues -- issues I'm still dealing with to this day.

What do you get when you add familial pressure, a nightmarish relationship, deteriorating physical health, and failing mental health?

One very, very tired man who never thought he'd end up on such websites. So it goes.

 

[deadbeat]

U cook vegan!! I do too. I'm not the best cook though. Pretty simple stuff i make though.

Sorry u have anxiety and depression. i have depression too. I have anxiety as well but mine is social.

Yeah, for 6-7 years now. A lot of what I cook is different variants of rice + beans
I have social anxiety as well as generalized anxiety.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hello.

Joined today but used to frequent the old subreddits (sanctionedsuicide, timetogo, etc.). I guess that speaks for itself - I'm just not able to get myself out of the gutter.

25. Male. US. Grad student. Don't want to live; don't want to die.

I was always a shy/anxious kid. As I grew up, my mental health progressively deteriorated, to the point where I developed severe DP/DR, a degree of agoraphobia, and associated depression. I was reluctantly sucked into the psychiatric merry-go-round, chewed up, and spit out. The system left me with numerous persisting health issues -- issues I'm still dealing with to this day.

What do you get when you add familial pressure, a nightmarish relationship, deteriorating physical health, and failing mental health?

One very, very tired man who never thought he'd end up on such websites. So it goes.

Welcome! Glad to have you here.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Hello-

I joined on Sunday, but have been a compulsive lurker, since the end of October. I started lurking two or three days before the Rachel74 scamming fiasco and just before Stan's CTB - to help some of you figure out how long I have been here vicariously. If you remember there were at times seemingly two to three CTBs going on simultaneously during that time frame. It was amazingly to see all this for the first time ever. I could not figure out what in the world was going on here.

What amazes me is how cathartic this site has been for me. I think this site has been keeping me going, frankly.

Lots of physical and mental health issues for me. If I had to pick perhaps the most significant of my two dozen or so contributing factors for CTB, it would be hard to decide. Happy to share, if anyone wants to hear it, but not sure anyone would want to.

I've very open; Ask me anything; and, I have nothing to hide.

Something that might be of interest to some given a few threads I've seen is that my mom CTBed in her mid-fifites, and I would be happy to share specifics with how it impacted my sibling and me. Feel free to DM me. My sibling and I were both in our early 30s, as a reference point, if anyone is curious as to potential impact of CTB on their adult children. The punch line is mom's CTB did not phase me at all (I get it); My sibling? The opposite reaction.

Anyone feel free to tag me, DM me, or whatever. I won't flame anyone for reaching out to me for whatever reason.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to make we feel welcome. Happy this site is here and glad I finally joined.

Any lurkers out there trust me, as a professional lurker, I can promise you it feels way better inside vs outside, so take the step and sign up.

Chupacabra 44

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hello-

I joined on Sunday, but have been a compulsive lurker, since the end of October. I started lurking two or three days before the Rachel74 scamming fiasco and just before Stan's CTB - to help some of you figure out how long I have been here vicariously. If you remember there were at times seemingly two to three CTBs going on simultaneously during that time frame. It was amazingly to see all this for the first time ever. I could not figure out what in the world was going on here.

What amazes me is how cathartic this site has been for me. I think this site has been keeping me going, frankly.

Lots of physical and mental health issues for me. If I had to pick perhaps the most significant of my two dozen or so contributing factors for CTB, it would be hard to decide. Happy to share, if anyone wants to hear it, but not sure anyone would want to.

I've very open; Ask me anything; and, I have nothing to hide.

Something that might be of interest to some given a few threads I've seen is that my mom CTBed in her mid-fifites, and I would be happy to share specifics with how it impacted my sibling and me. Feel free to DM me. My sibling and I were both in our early 30s, as a reference point, if anyone is curious as to potential impact of CTB on their adult children. The punch line is mom's CTB did not phase me at all (I get it); My sibling? The opposite reaction.

Anyone feel free to tag me, DM me, or whatever. I won't flame anyone for reaching out to me for whatever reason.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to make we feel welcome. Happy this site is here and glad I finally joined.

Any lurkers out there trust me, as a professional lurker, I can promise you it feels way better inside vs outside, so take the step and sign up.

Chupacabra 44

Welcome! Glad you decided to join us :) Looking forward to further posts from you.

 

[snowdrift]

Hello. I just joined last night after lurking for a little bit. I'm 21 F from Ontario, Canada and I've been suicidal for 10 years give or take. I've floated around a few pro-suicide threads in the past but I feel very welcome here.
At this point, I have been incapacitated by major depression, anxiety, autism, trauma, and an eating disorder, among other things. It has made this life unliveable. I can't achieve much of anything, I have very few people in my life, and I foresee nothing but further suffering in the future. I can't work, I can't be social; I can't do anything. My finances are in ruins. Hopefully I can find someone on here to help me catch the blessed bus. Lol. I don't want to see 2021. I attempted earlier this year and several times in 2016-2017 with little success.
Otherwise, I like playing a few video games. I used to write music but I've since lost that passion. I also kind of like writing I guess. I don't know. There isn't much to me at this point.
Hope we all find what we are looking for.

 

[L I F E T O L O S E]

Let me introduce myself: I'm a man of hate and disgust.

 

[Kezrina]

Hello I'm Kerri I am 38 years old and always suffered from low self estem thanks to my upbringing.
I have a beautiful daughter, she's what keeps me alive, as I dont want to fuck up her life, like my mum fucked mine. But its such a struggle eveyday, these bad/negative thoughts I have about myself im tired physically and mentally...just ploughing the daily train, happy when the day is done as another day over but also knowing I have the exact same fight again tomorrow.

 

[greylol123]

Hello

I am not sure what I want to say here.

I hope I can find what I need. Thankyou all.

 

[Birdie]

Hi.

I'm a young girl, currently a college student.

I had a somehow troubled childhood. Living with a bipolar parent made me confused, too many mixed feelings... there was love and warm memories, but also constant mood swings and psychological violence that made me depressed, anxious, insecure and develop BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) ever since a young age... because of that, I had a hard time on relationships because I'd feel so out of place, so disgusting, for no concrete reason. It's only about how I feel about myself, I learned to feel this way ever since I began to create memories so it's hard to let go of my distorted ideas. I made a lot of progress, but there's still a long way to go...

My suicidal thoughts began at the age of 9. When I was 10, something really traumatic happened and changed my life completely. Most of who I am today is due to the trauma, it increased the issues I already had and consequently created new trouble... I was unable to make good friendships IRL until high school, so I spent a lot of time talking to people online, watching anime and listening to music... and sleeping a lot to avoid the hardest days. I've seen a few therapists and my family did their best to help me (sometimes in the right way, sometimes making shitty mistakes), I was able to improve.

But, again, it's hard to let go. I'm still kinda broken. I still go through dark times. And it's nice to have a safe place to talk about it without being judged and creating trouble and anxiety for people who care about me IRL and try to comfort others, that's why I'm here. My heart is open. Thank you for reading. ^^

 

[Acopia]

Hey, I'm both excited and terrified to finally be here after a while of silently stalking. Mainly terrified though
We'll be fine.

 

[enuff]

hey @Kezrina - welcome to this place. but just a friendly word of caution, it's not safe to put your pic and age here. there's a lot of assholes out there trolling this site, and a face pic with stats is like asking them to doxx you. maybe I'm just paranoid, but I trust no-one, especially don't trust the internet.

...But its such a struggle eveyday, these bad/negative thoughts I have about myself im tired physically and mentally...just ploughing the daily train, happy when the day is done as another day over but also knowing I have the exact same fight again tomorrow.

I know what you mean, I often feel the same way. not looking forward to tomorrow. but every passing day fo rme is one day closer to death. bring it on!

 

[ExitTheMatrix]

Hi everyone!
I been a closeted suicidal person all my life. I been a lurker for some hours then I decided to join, suicide anonymous. Awesome to have found a place were you can find authentic people, eventhough most of us will scatter tf out of here sooner than later.

 

[HelloHell]

Hi. It's been almost 9 months since I joined, but I wasn't in a condition to be active on this site for the past months. So, yeah, here it is the really late introduction post which nobody probably cares about.
I'm a college student. I've been constantly suicidal for a couple of years. I found this site when I was planning my first attempt
I'm extremely awkward and that's probably why I don't have friends
I have to say I'm really glad I found SS

 

[SuicidalAgain]

Hi! I have been in this world way longer than I ever wanted to be, for no good reason... I've had my first suicidal thought as a kid. I always hated to see people being fake and evil. I still do. I never wanted to be around it, but it is everywhere. Survived 3 attempts and I hope this time I can leave once and for all.

I'm a 90s kid and my current escape is Final Fantasy XIV.

 

[sufferingalways]

I'm Dez. A 48 yr old woman. I've had depression and anxiety all of my life. I spent my life from 20 yrs old being a single mom. I can relate to so many of you here. I see my younger self in a lot of y'all as well. I was born into a mentally & physically abusive home. I tried to CTB when I was 12. My abuser, my father died when I was 15. About 6 months later I met my 1st boyfriend who would than use me as a punching bag for the next yr and a half. After I got out of that relationship I met an older guy my first true love. When we broke up I tried to CTB. I was 16-17 back than. I would cut myself, put cigarettes out on myself. I took pills and cut my wrists only landed in psych hospitals. At 18 I had cancer. Landed on life support for the first time. It gave me a new outlook on life. At 20 I gave birth to my older son Joey. His father didn't want him so I raised him alone. When Joey was 8 1/2 I had my younger son. Because my son needed me and I was all he had I kept my anxiety and depression under control. He gave me a reason to wake up and try hard to make a decent life for us. He was the love and light in my life. I was so blessed and honored to have such an amazing son. He died in a car accident october will be 3 years. I died with him that day. I wanted to CTB from the second the police told me he was gone. I had a 16yr old son also so I stayed here for him. He turned 18 and 3 months later moved in with his grandmother on his fathers side. That was a yr and a half ago. I'm lost and destroyed without my sons. All I know how to be is mom. I am in my room 24/7 unless I need to use the bathroom or get a drink. I do not want to live without my sons anymore. I believe in my afterlife I will be reunited with my older son. I've been on life support twice. Once from the cancer and once in 2013 I had respiratory failure. I have emphysema and cold germs caused it.

If any of you want to talk I am here for you. I respect whatever you choose to do. I just have a ton of life experience and that mom in me wants to share it with you. Maybe I can help someone before I CTB. I hope yall find peace, hope, love and happiness in whatever you choose.

Hello Dez sending you biggest hugs, sorry to hear you've been through some awful shit too.
SA

 

[Cow]

Hey guys. I am /r/sanctionedsuicide refugee that is finding out about this website far too late.

Anyway. I've been suicidal ever since I knew the concept of death. My first suicide attempt was at 5 years old. Most of the time I'm convinced that happiness isn't possible for me. I do find the humor in all of this though.

I live alone, and I have never touched another human being that is not related to me beyond a handshake.

I cope by smoking weed, drinking alcohol, and playing video games every waking moment when I am not actively at work.

I routinely become self destructive and ruin any progress I've made since my last episode. Currently I am the most stable I've been, having held down a job for over a year now for the first time.

I'm intolerably lonely.


Posted this to help raise the page number to 69 :p

 

[Lilacmoon]

Whoops, I made an intro thread before seeing this. I'll help the effort to 69. Hi, I'm Lilac, I'm depressed, suicidal, and in a lesbian relationship with someone better than me, and I discovered this place in a fit of desperation and relapse.

Let's get to page 69!

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Hi. It's been almost 9 months since I joined, but I wasn't in a condition to be active on this site for the past months. So, yeah, here it is the really late introduction post which nobody probably cares about.
I'm a college student. I've been constantly suicidal for a couple of years. I found this site when I was planning my first attempt
I'm extremely awkward and that's probably why I don't have friends
I have to say I'm really glad I found SS

Happy to see you are stepping up. Personally I lurked for 11 months before signing up. I have been here just less than 2 weeks as an active member.

Surprisingly, I find participating actively is much more emotionally helpful for me versus living vicariously and watching others. I'm kind of reclusive so you'll see why this surprised me. Glad to see you posting!

 

[Choronzon]

I'm a middle-aged, recently single man. I have had persistent depressive disorder since my preteen years. I had been (so I'm told) a super affectionate "lovebug" of a child, but schooling and being raised by a schizophrenic and an alcoholic, and a physically abusive brother, took care of that.

PDD is very poorly studied but has a higher risk of suicide over a lifetime than major depressive disorder. Also I don't respond to most antidepressants, but I'm too "well" for more intensive interventions or experimental treatment.

I'm actually a pretty funny and interesting person and have things I could do, but I just don't. After my second long relationship ended, due mainly to my depression being too much, I don't see hope for anything but the most grim and duty-driven sort of life going forward, and I just don't want that.

 

[HelloHell]

Happy to see you are stepping up. Personally I lurked for 11 months before signing up. I have been here just less than 2 weeks as an active member.

Surprisingly, I find participating actively is much more emotionally helpful for me versus living vicariously and watching others. I'm kind of reclusive so you'll see why this surprised me. Glad to see you posting!

Agreed, participating actively is more fun and helpful
Thank you, Chupacabra 44

 

[StateOfMind]

Gonna copy pasta from the "what do you do?" thread with some additions.

Sleep till about 1pm
Wash with warm and cold water
Eat a slice of marmite toast (sometimes peanut butter and jam when I feel really outrageous) and drink an ayran
Have a smoke
Read the news online browse social media and SS + random shit on the internet and have about 3 or 4 beers while doing so and listen to world music
Eat dinner
Take a nap or have a shower
If the weather is good I go to my favorite local pub where average age is about 50 (I'm 34) where sometime I can actually have some meaningful conversations
In my 20s I was big party guy socializing with a much more diverse age group but I believe I have matured
If I don't resume to go out I watch world news on TV while having a bottle mildly sweet red wine
Then I would go trainspotting to seek my death

I'm able to sustain a relatively lavish lifestyle because I live at home and the government insists I'm schizophrenic (which I vehemently deny) and get not too bad benefits.

I'm a relatively attractive male with slightly above average intelligence and could easily get some pussy, but that doesn't interest me anymore nor does a "meaningful" relationship because I'm going to die soon.

If you view it like this some might think "why would you wan to die, seems like the perfect life".

Trust me, life is a nightmare and I have been humiliated beyond repair.. harassment at work and in general also plus much more bla bla.

I value a personalized derivative / hybrid of the Bushido code of honor which I utilise as the bases for my motivation to commit suicide.

 

[raindrop]

Hello you lovely people,
so I'm trying to introduce myself. I'm from Germany and I wonder that I managed somehow to climb the age of 30. Please be kind, I'm very insecure about my English skills.
When I was born I nearly suffocated and that caused some dysfunction in my brain, especially with motoric skills. I can walk and talk and do all the things normal people do, but I need to do it deliberately. I think about how to walk and then I do it, step by step. That's how life works for me, I can only do few things automatically, and I often wish I would not just have nearly suffocated.
However, I was raised to hide my disability. I internalized to fake being normal. That made my life somewhat successful but exhausting, from the beginning. I know the desire to end it since I was a little child.
But instead I grew up.
I studied and since many years now I'm (you may hate me) a so called mental health worker. I often talk to suicidal people in my job, and despite of doing what I'm supposed to do I just listen, don't judge and try to be there when needed. I think it belongs to human dignity to be able to decide about their own life. On one side I get much affection, many people think they know me and thy value what they see in me, but I'm really, really alone with my own suffering and my desire to catch the bus.
Many years ago I, it may be in the year 2001, I joined alt.suicide.holiday and it gave me some peace to see that there was a space where I was accepted as the failure that I am. But now I'm so exhausted, life doesn't get easier when you're getting older. So I am here again and don't know what's going to happen.
Thank you for reading. Peace and hugs to you all.

 

[Yossarian87]

Hey everyone, I've been lurking and reading here for a week or so. Joined up and now saying hello.

Had a really awful incident happen to me about 5 months ago that really changed my life forever for the worse and I see no way back to happiness. All hope has gone and I have spent most of the last 5 months thinking of the best way to end my life. This forum has already helped me immensely with some information I couldn't find elsewhere, and being in the UK reliable (my main priority more than anything else, I do not want to fail if and when I attempt) and relatively pain free methods aren't that easy to come by. Seems like SN is definitely the best method to go with.

I guess I am just here to see how like minded people are coping and get advice and even just reading is a support for me.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hi everyone!
I been a closeted suicidal person all my life. I been a lurker for some hours then I decided to join, suicide anonymous. Awesome to have found a place were you can find authentic people, eventhough most of us will scatter tf out of here sooner than later.

A "closeted suicidal person". Will you be throwing a "coming out" party? Please invite me!!

 

[sufferingalways]

Hello.

Joined today but used to frequent the old subreddits (sanctionedsuicide, timetogo, etc.). I guess that speaks for itself - I'm just not able to get myself out of the gutter.

25. Male. US. Grad student. Don't want to live; don't want to die.

I was always a shy/anxious kid. As I grew up, my mental health progressively deteriorated, to the point where I developed severe DP/DR, a degree of agoraphobia, and associated depression. I was reluctantly sucked into the psychiatric merry-go-round, chewed up, and spit out. The system left me with numerous persisting health issues -- issues I'm still dealing with to this day.

What do you get when you add familial pressure, a nightmarish relationship, deteriorating physical health, and failing mental health?

One very, very tired man who never thought he'd end up on such websites. So it goes.

Sorry to hear the system has harmed you as well. What happened?

 

[SuicideMonkey123]

Hey, I am Albus. I am a 20 year old engineering student from India ( or you can say one of the 1.2 million engineers that graduate every year). I am 5'5", with a lanky body. I like to watch documentaries on crimes, and I also am an epic fanfic reader for the last 5 years. I have not had more than 10 friends all my life, and I have never been in a relationship. I like to keep suicide as a backup plan and in case I ever decide to ctb, my preferred method would be by inert gas inhalation.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Not sure if I am doing this right but here goes.

Stumbled onto this site by accident during a search for suicide on a very bad day. They are all the same... call a hotline, a friend, a family member, get a hobby, volunteer for something. Seek help. What a joke. Do they all read the same useless advice books? Do they really think any of what they recommend is anything but just plain stupid? Then I found SS and I am amazed! Took a few months to get up the nerve to join.

I am 68, retired, live alone in US, have told no one about my miserable thoughts and feelings. Privacy is almost an obsession so my story may unfold in time. But for now, thank you for this place.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Not sure if I am doing this right but here goes.

Stumbled onto this site by accident during a search for suicide on a very bad day. They are all the same... call a hotline, a friend, a family member, get a hobby, volunteer for something. Seek help. What a joke. Do they all read the same useless advice books? Do they really think any of what they recommend is anything but just plain stupid? Then I found SS and I am amazed! Took a few months to get up the nerve to join.

I am 68, retired, live alone in US, have told no one about my miserable thoughts and feelings. Privacy is almost an obsession so my story may unfold in time. But for now, thank you for this place.

Hey 68 I'm 46. Sorry that you're here and welcome.