Introduce yourself

[LabRat]

Sorry to hear the system has harmed you as well. What happened?

I was started on prozac/fluoxetine and benzodiazepines about 5 years ago during a major spell of depression and anxiety. After discontinuing the fluox, my brain never returned to normal. I was left with numbed emotions, a numb dick, low libido, head pressure, akathisia, CNS issues, among other lovely symptoms. I was started on other meds to treat these issues, which only compounded the problems further.

For a couple years, I fell down a rabbit hole of somewhat functional substance abuse in an attempt to cope with the current issues. That probably added some more fuel to the fire.

4 years later, many of these problems still persist and make trying to live a normal life more hellish than the modern world already makes it. I wish I could go back in time and never touch a psychiatric drug. What a mess of my mind and body they made.

I often dream of living off the grid, stress free, and attempting to slowly regain my health. It feels almost impossible in this modern world with capitalistic pressure constantly breathing down your back.

I'm very tired.

What enduring scars - be they mental or physical - has the extremely poor mental health system left you with?

 

[Brokensaddle]

Hey everyone I'm from the uk. I have been and I'm currently still being abused by abusers. My abusers are family members and I can sort of evict them but I don't have the money plus because of covid19 it's harder. Mental health services have utterly failed me for a good year or 2 they blamed my depression and suicidal ideation on me because they thought I was doing drugs or I was crazy. But I know they didn't believe me because I'm male, there's no help for male domestic violence suffers. The thing is I have been abused since I was in mid teens and I'm in my mid 20s now. Mental health services only believe me I proved I was being abused with recordings. I get told by my family members to actively kill myself so they can get my house. Mental health services still haven't protected me. Jokes on them I'm going to write my will and leave my house to someone else. I hopefully will be dead by the end of this year but if I can't find a way to successfully die then I'm going find a method that can I use to successfully die from. There's nothing I enjoy anymore, nothing in this world is holding me back. I desperately wanna go over to the other side.

 

[Mixo]

female in the uk looking for online friends to chat with. i'm in an abusive relationship and am dealing with other chronic challenges that are making life hell for me. i will try not to make convos all about the toxicity of my life, i can see now that's why other online friends have cut me out. i would have posted in the recovery partners thread but i'm not truly in recovery. i sincerely want to die and believe my reasons for doing so are rational. feel free to dm me if you're lonely/bored.

 

[sufferingalways]

I was started on prozac/fluoxetine and benzodiazepines about 5 years ago during a major spell of depression and anxiety. After discontinuing the fluox, my brain never returned to normal. I was left with numbed emotions, a numb dick, low libido, head pressure, akathisia, CNS issues, among other lovely symptoms. I was started on other meds to treat these issues, which only compounded the problems further.

For a couple years, I fell down a rabbit hole of somewhat functional substance abuse in an attempt to cope with the current issues. That probably added some more fuel to the fire.

4 years later, many of these problems still persist and make trying to live a normal life more hellish than the modern world already makes it. I wish I could go back in time and never touch a psychiatric drug. What a mess of my mind and body they made.

I often dream of living off the grid, stress free, and attempting to slowly regain my health. It feels almost impossible in this modern world with capitalistic pressure constantly breathing down your back.

I'm very tired.

What enduring scars - be they mental or physical - has the extremely poor mental health system left you with?

Hi, sorry to hear that all happened to you. Ive not touched them, beyond 2 days then felt suicidal (Nortriptyline). I was given Amitriptyline for migraines but they spaced me out too much I couldn't think. Stopped them.

I was harmed so many ways by the mental abuse frim mental health "professionals " a CCO committed libel. The cogs are turning on that one. Advocate waiting for me to be well again and return to it.

She (CCO) has left the department but i have a little i fo to help when she needs to be subpoenaed to a hearing. She was all sweetness to my face then lied on paper where I couldn't see, like the narcissist she really is. EUPD? Uhh never had it diagnosed but she claimed on a Care plan without my involvement (breach of job description) that I have it. I believe that was her way of trying to paint me as a trouble maker. Ive read a few blogs about EUPD as false diagnosis. Some sound true for me. This whole area of mental health is a fucking nightmare.

Sorry to hear of your harms. Are you hoping to wean off any/ some to try reverse any effects, if that's even possible?

 

[HadEnough1974]

Hey everyone I'm from the uk. I have been and I'm currently still being abused by abusers. My abusers are family members and I can sort of evict them but I don't have the money plus because of covid19 it's harder. Mental health services have utterly failed me for a good year or 2 they blamed my depression and suicidal ideation on me because they thought I was doing drugs or I was crazy. But I know they didn't believe me because I'm male, there's no help for male domestic violence suffers. The thing is I have been abused since I was in mid teens and I'm in my mid 20s now. Mental health services only believe me I proved I was being abused with recordings. I get told by my family members to actively kill myself so they can get my house. Mental health services still haven't protected me. Jokes on them I'm going to write my will and leave my house to someone else. I hopefully will be dead by the end of this year but if I can't find a way to successfully die then I'm going find a method that can I use to successfully die from. There's nothing I enjoy anymore, nothing in this world is holding me back. I desperately wanna go over to the other side.

I understand how you feel. I'm also a victim of abuse and male.

 

[MrBigSad]

Hi everyone. I'm 25 m from Scotland

I had everything I could've ever wanted but fucked things up horribly, beyond repair. If I tend to misspell things it'll probably be because I'm dunk.

After a failed attempt (tried overdosing on pills and drowning at the same time) about a month ago I spent a lot of time recovering on hospital and things actually seemed pretty good. I was working out, not drinking or smoking, eating healthy. Reading lots and even wrote a descent amount of a novel.

Then after I left the hospital I remembered how I'm a terrible person that doesn't deserve to feel happy. And with that I seem to have just switched off any and all emotion left in me.

I don't like talking about my reasons why. But I know I that I want to ctb and it's my decision to do so. I figure I should finish the small novel I'm writing first. Pen a note. The only thing that makes me think about not going through with it is my parents, and funeral costs.

I look forward to speaking with people on here before I say my good-byes.

 

[bumoshi]

well, hello, I'm 19, from Japan.

I like anime, music and that stuff, I stay in my room most of the days, I don't get out unless is really important, I have one and only friend and is not even that close to me.
my mom is sick, she have cancer, I have 2 cats and an abusive father.
I didn't finished high school so now I'm just searching a job but I can't find one so I'm living with my mom's money.
I'm addicted to cigarettes, self harm, energy drinks and weed.
I have BPD, depression, severe social anxiety, asperger.
my mom said to me that if I cut myself again she will do it too, I don't know what to do but that's my presentation.

 

[_Kaira_]

Hi all, I'm a 23 yr old woman originally from Indiana, US, now in Arizona.

Wish I could say I have interests, but that just simply isn't the case. I grew up in a very abusive household with too many traumatic incidents than any young girl should've gone through. I honestly wish my parents would've been kinder and more involved in my life in a more positive light growing up. I honestly don't know where majority of the things started going wrong in my head, sometime around middle school when the first signs of my apathy for life started surfacing. I didn't have many 'friends' growing up, mostly kept to myself and just breezed through school hardly caring about grades. I graduated but barely. I haven't done much else with my life. Never had a job, never continued education. I'm a bit of a NEET I guess....I just don't really care. I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety, BPD, severe depression, bipolar disorder and potentially undiagnosed on the spectrum of autism.

I lie to my therapist about my strong suicidal feelings because I know that would be another trip the psych ward, and I have no interest in doing that again if possible.... I know I am a horrible person going no where in life and thats why I am here. I don't conform to society, and others are frustrated with me because of such. I've been threatened to be kicked to the streets many times as of late. They have no reason to tolerate me and pay for my living expenses, I don't blame them.

I simply just feel like life is too difficult, and I am not mentally mature enough for today's expectation for "adulting". It's too hard to even want to work for the basic needs of survival. I am just a weak person overall.

I have been a lurker for a while now on this site. I have to say, It does help a little voicing my thoughts here, even though I've barely touched the surface.

 

[StringPuppet]

hi

I don't have anything interesting to say I'm just a 24 years old pessimist/anti-natalist who thinks life is a raw deal for anyone that isn't convinced false hopes and hoping I can ctb when I'm not longer able to leach off of my family. My life isn't especially bad but I've always been extremely anxious and depressive and I think that has made me particularly susceptible to becoming disillusioned with life. I'd like to say I have interesting hobbies or talents but I really don't, browsing the web, watching tv/movies, and listening to a little music is all I have to pass the days along.

 

[Gerard de Nerval]

Hello.

This site piqued my interest do to the detailed methods used for ctb that I have been practicing for some days (both partial and the night-night); yet in the moments of exhaustion I've been reading many posts. They are mostly endearing and validating. Outside of the mentions of scammers and trolls, which I assume are many, I see a loving community that tries to listen to many posters of a range of ages, interests, genders and so on.
About myself, I'm a 30 year old male who studied music -- currently doing self studies in a faustian chamber. I mostly read continental philosophy, poetry, and fiction. One of my favorite books that I'm glad to have read is Krazsnahorkai's War and War: probably one of the most melancholy, maddening novels on a man's journey to suicide.
I lost a partner a year ago and haven't fully recovered from the loss. Many times I'll slowly develop a tendency to cut all contact from my circle then mustering the courage to join the person I lost in death. I'm at the nadir of this episode at this moment.

Stop by and chat. I'll probably be on.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Hi I'm a 32M from Canada. I've had a colorful life, lived in ten countries, speak 5 languages, owned businesses in Vietnam and Thailand, saved sinking ships, joined border militia, and had great relationships with beautiful women all over the world. I'm a famous bartender and entrepreneur who does strength sports like weightlifting and looks great. I also play classical piano and toured america as a guitarist in black metal bands. I'm 170cm and 76kg.

When my last relationship failed (mostly thx to me) I lost complete control over my ego and was thrust into the void of loss. Coupled with the stress of reopening my restaurant amid covid and multiple 45C+ heat waves I lost my mind and tried to commit suicide multiple times. Now I've been on holiday for 3 months to cure my depression but to no avail. The loss of her, my sense of self, both my jobs, thousands of dollars, all my friends and all my mojo has taken my spirit.

Now I have to return to Canada from Mexico and self isolate for 14 days (another large expense) and if I don't jump off the balcony I plan on ODing on heroin when I can go outside again.

 

[Belaya Noch]

Hey - I'm 28 years old male and I come from Poland, and I wonder how one can not be depressed living in my country, but at least we have a good and famous SN, hehe.

I've been suffering from depression since early teenage years, and I was diagnosed with some Asperger's symptoms. I'm a highly socially incompatible individual, which results in chronic loneliness.

I'm not sure about the my plans for the future but it's good to know that such an empathetic and free from pro-life bigotry community exists.

 

[Gerard de Nerval]

Hey - I'm 28 years old male and I come from Poland, and I wonder how one can not be depressed living in my country, but at least we have a good and famous SN, hehe.

I've been suffering from depression since early teenage years, and I was diagnosed with some Asperger's symptoms. I'm a highly socially incompatible individual, which results in chronic loneliness.

I'm not sure about the my plans for the future but it's good to know that such an empathetic and free from pro-life bigotry community exists.

I love the quote from Ligotti. Always wanted to read him. I have read Gombrowicz. Jealous about your accessibility to SN though.

 

[okdoomer]

Hello everyone. 21F college student from the midwest USA, studying environmental science although I've lost hope in humanity to protect the natural world. Recurrent major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD are my formal diagnoses as of now. I've always felt isolated and alone. I never had many friends, and I'm not particularly close to my family. I grew up a "gifted" child in school but my mental illnesses have lead me to hardly function. I often struggle with feelings of meaninglessness and have existential crises every other day. I'm a lesbian and have had the opportunity to have a relationship with a girl who I loved a lot when I was 18. It lasted 10 months before she broke up with me because I was too clingy and my inner struggles were a burden to her. I thought I'd be able to get over it by now but I've been extremely suicidal ever since. My self-esteem was low before then but it's nothing. I've gotten too deep into nihilism/pessimism/misanthropy and have closed myself off emotionally and physically to everything around me. I've always been searching for a glimmer of hope just in case I'm wrong about the state of my life, and living in general, but overall I'm not convinced...and thus I'm here.

 

[tired_old_dragon]

Greetings everyone. I'm a FtM trans guy from the Midwest US. Feel free to call me whatever you want. My main interests and things that are keeping me going are videogames, music, and writing. I'm a huge Fallout and Shin Megami Tensei fan so if anyone wants to talk about those ever, please send me a message, I have no one to talk to. I have BPD and am getting tested for OSDD, and I'm also autistic, so life is kinda hard for me. I joined to research stuff for some vent work I'm writing and to be able to talk to some people who are in a similar situation to I am. I hope to get to know you all better sometime.

 

[Izukakun]

Holacolombia-bucaramanga y creo que estoy aquí por la misma razón que la mayoría... Tengo veintitantos años y simplemente ya no puedo más con esto, he tratado de ser optimista y despejar mi mente pero hay alguien que me lo impide y ese soy yo. Si alguien está interesado respóndame este mensaje de seguro podemos hacer algo que nos ayude a ambos...

 

[okdoomer]

Holacolombia-bucaramanga y creo que estoy aquí por la misma razón que la mayoría... Tengo veintitantos años y simplemente ya no puedo más con esto, he tratado de ser optimista y despejar mi mente pero hay alguien que me lo impide y ese soy yo. Si alguien está interesado respóndame este mensaje de seguro podemos hacer algo que nos ayude a ambos...

Hola, no soy de Columbia pero si buscas una pareja suicida hay un thread aquí. ¿Es esa el tipo de ayuda que busca?

 

[Izukakun]

Cual es el thread?

 

[greebo6]

Hello everybody!

I will turn 52 this month: never married, no kids. I am a practicing Catholic. I serve as a lector and Communion minister at my parish: I am also a Lay Carmelite. (For more info on Lay Carmelites see http://laycarmelitespcm.org/, http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/third-order and http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/some-questions-and-answers-about-lay-carmelites.) I am a history buff and like to write fiction (especially alternate history). I suspect that I will likely ctb by suspension hanging once my bedridden mother (for whom I am a caregiver) has passed away, but Mom could easily live another 10 years. Therefore, I find things to do in the meantime and pray for God's mercy.

Welcome

 

[Mysterymeat]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hi everyone, I'm Rachel. I've been here for a while but took a long break trying to recover. Went to a fancy facility for 6 weeks, came home and covid hit. Had hope but it's gone now. The biggest reason I need to go is because I'm in too many psych meds and badly addicted to suboxone, adderall, and Valium, all of which I abuse. I've been on them too long to be able to detox. My brains been rewired and I'm not me anymore. I'm either in withdrawal or manically cleaning the house cause what else can I do in isolation? I plan to CTB by partial suspension. Found the sweet spot. I hope I go soon.

 

[okdoomer]

Cual es el thread?

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...read-the-rules-on-page-1-before-posting.1253/

 

[llerutem5]

Hi, llerutem here finally glad to have joined this site and its amazing community. Had to move from ss for some long time ago but its still there and recent world events fucking suck so I hope we may help and support each other in those difficult times.

 

[RedFoxSwims]

Hey everyone I'm RedFoxSwims. I want to die like any people here and I am pro choice for suicide. It's up to that person whether or not they should die, not others, and not the state. They just want taxes they don't care who suffers along the way. I'm bipolar and gotten help for five years now but nothing works or makes me feel how normal people feel. I can't experience joy and haven't since my last manic episode around a year ago now. I've told the doctor and nothing helps. I've tried everything. I'm ready to end it all. Why live when I can't even enjoy it?

 

[dontwantocareanymore]

Hello. Sad woman with no energy living in the USA. Horrible mother- should have never even considered having children. I have one juvenile child who has a loving father & step-mother. I have always been drawn to the dark, but never anything evil. Started strangling myself for no apparent reason at age 11. Attempted to CTB at age 14- nothing since. Recently suicidal again... has hit me like a ton of bricks. All I think about is CTB. Thankful for this site.

 

[Mimi79]

I'm new from Germany .. first thoughts to quit my life at the age of 6 or 7.
suicide attempt survivor at the age of 21.
I'm now 41.
sorry my English isn't perfect.

 

[Leftover]

Hi there!
I'm from Germany, 18 years of age. I'm suffering from MDD and SA for around 9 years now.
Awfully "happy?" to have found a site on which I'm understood.
My hobbies are gaming and learning new languages. My favorite music genre is Metal.

I've contemplating suicide for something like a year, now more than ever. This pain is getting hard to swallow.

 

[Wonderful_Werther]

Good evening everybody.

Well about me, I'm a 28 year old guy in London and to in short what led me here was a critical failure to take kind of my mind and body properly in university, such things eventually catch up with you and I fear that day is coming closer as time passes.

Honestly I've thought about CBT since I was about 17 years old, but there was something in me that willed me to live on and to keep on fighting everyday and ironically just a few months ago I had a revelation, despite all the hardships in my life I had won and I had everything that I wanted, no thoughts of suicide clouded my mind and instead I could focus purely on the future. Well that was a fucking joke lol.

Despite planning for my CBT now, I'm still living life as normal, which includes planning for the future with my friends and family, this does make me sad as I've no idea if I will ever live to see these plans become actions, but I continue to plan and live to my life normally, because when I'm to die I want my friends and family to remember me as the bright and lively person that I was, that's the least that I can give them.

 

[blackdogs]

Hey
Turned 25 yesterday. I don't know what I expected to change once I got here but I think I'm ready to ctb. I just need to find a solid method and place and finish up a few things.

 

[TessB]

Hi everyone, I don't want what I write to be a total cliche and I think it is, but I guess the fact so many of you have the same experiences means I'm in the right place and you'll understand.
I'm diagnosed bpd, depression, anxiety, social phobic, and any minimal support I was getting from mental health services collapsed due to covid. The shitty bunch of people I unfortunately call my family (parents and siblings)have turned their back on me, despite knowing of my suicidal ideation. I rely upon alcohol and self harm to calm my mind, and I'm not scared of dying at all. I think about the peace of nothing everyday, most of the day. I could ramble on about my thoughts about suicide and my right to do it, but this is a welcome thread so I'll leave it at that.. So hi! It's good to be here. xx

 

[sufferingalways]

Greetings everyone. I'm a FtM trans guy from the Midwest US. Feel free to call me whatever you want. My main interests and things that are keeping me going are videogames, music, and writing. I'm a huge Fallout and Shin Megami Tensei fan so if anyone wants to talk about those ever, please send me a message, I have no one to talk to. I have BPD and am getting tested for OSDD, and I'm also autistic, so life is kinda hard for me. I joined to research stuff for some vent work I'm writing and to be able to talk to some people who are in a similar situation to I am. I hope to get to know you all better sometime.

Hello, Im a writer as well. What are you working on at the moment? Mines gone all patchy due to illness / lack of sleep / brain foggy.