Introduce yourself

[224]

Hello everybody!

I will turn 52 this month: never married, no kids. I am a practicing Catholic. I serve as a lector and Communion minister at my parish: I am also a Lay Carmelite. (For more info on Lay Carmelites see http://laycarmelitespcm.org/, http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/third-order and http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/some-questions-and-answers-about-lay-carmelites.) I am a history buff and like to write fiction (especially alternate history). I suspect that I will likely ctb by suspension hanging once my bedridden mother (for whom I am a caregiver) has passed away, but Mom could easily live another 10 years. Therefore, I find things to do in the meantime and pray for God's mercy.

I would love to read ur fiction if u are willing to share :)

 

[sufferingalways]

Hi everyone, I don't want what I write to be a total cliche and I think it is, but I guess the fact so many of you have the same experiences means I'm in the right place and you'll understand.
I'm diagnosed bpd, depression, anxiety, social phobic, and any minimal support I was getting from mental health services collapsed due to covid. The shitty bunch of people I unfortunately call my family (parents and siblings)have turned their back on me, despite knowing of my suicidal ideation. I rely upon alcohol and self harm to calm my mind, and I'm not scared of dying at all. I think about the peace of nothing everyday, most of the day. I could ramble on about my thoughts about suicide and my right to do it, but this is a welcome thread so I'll leave it at that.. So hi! It's good to be here. xx

Hi TessB I understand your pain, the CMHT has screwed me over twice, (dumped, re-assessed, rejected) and it's something that's impossible to recover from. They basically stick 2 fingers up at us.
I don't have family either, for different reasons. Sending you (Hugs)

I would love to read ur fiction if u are willing to share :)

Likewise. I like history too. Although for the sake of my mental health I avoid horror.

 

[NeverEndingProblem]

Hello. Im 45 years old and have suffered with schizoaffective(bipolar and schizophrenia) since I was 25 years old. At times things are fine (relatively) but shit eventually hits the fan and get thrown in Psych hosptial ward. I have spent quite a bit of time in the local Psychiatric ward (7 or 8 times) and they have emotionally scarred me force feeding me drugs that make me feel worse. I've never held a permanant job. I've never been in a relationship. I dont have life skills needed to function in society. Life is difficult now, and I cant see it getting much easier. Im scared about CTB though....so that why im here. here to learn.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

Hello. I'm Michael, 32, recently divorced from an American lady and now back to my home country N. Ireland. I am no stranger to the Fiddler. We go back a long way. I have never been able to decide whether or not I just have a weak tether to life or if I was born out of sync. Whatever my issue is, I have never really been to solidify my claim to this husk I carry around, so I mostly just drift from one situation to another. I have, if nothing else, lived a full life to the best of my ability and forced myself to experience most of what there is to experience so I could at least say I tried. I have been telling myself this for most of my adult life and I guess I'm still here, despite not feeling as if I am at all present most of the time.

As a person, my only passion for as long as I can remember has been women, music and art. The art is a recent addition. I used to have cigarettes on that but I quit a few years ago after smoking 20 a day for several years. Despite the health benefits and not feeling physically polluted all day, it sucks not having a vice to help me out. Alas. I have no education to speak of, but gosh darn I am (mostly) a smart cookie. I'm starting a job in elderly care soon with the only goal of moving out of my childhood (abusive) home so that I can either end myself in relative peace or paint until I inevitably reach that point. That's pretty much me in a nutshell. I like hiking. I have often considered leaving everything behind and hiking until I drop dead as an alternative to anything else. I haven't quite done it yet though. Maybe in the future? I live a lonely existence. I have been reclusive for most of my adult life. It hurts my heart often, but I have trouble connecting as I'm sure many of you do. Like I said, a weak tether to life or something. Anyway. That's it.

 

[sufferingalways]

Hello. Im 45 years old and have suffered with schizoaffective(bipolar and schizophrenia) since I was 25 years old. At times things are fine (relatively) but shit eventually hits the fan and get thrown in Psych hosptial ward. I have spent quite a bit of time in the local Psychiatric ward (7 or 8 times) and they have emotionally scarred me force feeding me drugs that make me feel worse. I've never held a permanant job. I've never been in a relationship. I dont have life skills needed to function in society. Life is difficult now, and I cant see it getting much easier. Im scared about CTB though....so that why im here. here to learn.

Sorry to hear the repeat psychiatric ward experiences have scarred you. Ive been in one too. Not great. Chlorpromazine, haloperidol..

 

[Deafsn0w]

Wow I just realized that I've never introduced myself. Let's introduce myself. I found this website back in July 2018 — I was 17. I googled "how to hang yourself" and it showed up on the first page of google. I was so happy that I found a place like this. Im now 20 and don't currently go to college, but "will" go back this January. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14, but didn't become suicidal until 17. 2018 was the worst year because I tried to ctb multiple times. My last suicide attempt was that I tried to jump off the bridge, but was too scared and stepped back. I was active on this site from Sept 2018-Jan 2019 and now I'm active again from July 2020-present. 2020 is the worst year because of COVID-19 and stuff. After tons of research, I've decided that inert gas/exit bag is my ctb method. I have argon and everything. I hope I can ctb before 2021

 

[Symbiote]

Hi, I'm new to commenting on here but been lurking for awhile checking the SN thread every now and then. I do have SN and is my main method. Lost count on how many years I've been suicidal. My past experiences have shown me that it doesn't get better and no one cares. I'm 36, been hospitalized 4 times, my last attempt was last year. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm considered high-functioning depression since I'm able to hold down a job. My self-loathing is sky-high and I self harm on the regular. That's all for now I guess. Thanks for welcoming me to the forum!

 

[Life_and_Death]

hi......im 21, canadian, female. ive been suicidal since i was 14. ive been abused since before i was born. (i was told she was going to abort me. then give me up for adoption, then the government tried to take me but my grandfather wouldnt let them, then she moved me far away from everyone.) and now ive dug a hole so deep within myself that even though after years im finally starting to have more and more good days i still find myself wanting to die........

i guess thats the short version.

 

[itachi of death]

Hello im 26 my name is raven and I've been wanting to ctb since my grandmother died and left me alone with my mother and step father who mental scared me for 12 years,spitting in my food,putting salt in my hair sleeping,etc I have two children lost custody of both due to ex and mother ,I tried od 9 years ago failed and damaged the thinking cortex of my brain and with my clinic depression I makes life un bearable,I can't communicate with people because I'm a piece of shit person who only thinks about ctb since I lost every, planing on ctb in 14 years but how my lifes going and how I let people treat me like shit because I feel like I deserve it idk sorry for the long post.

 

[remington203]

Hi, I'm 29F from UK and temporarily staying in the US, I was previously a member here in March but deleted the account due to being found out. I'm leaving behind my physical vessel(body) by hanging and hope to find peace. Thanks

 

[bloomingdark]

Hi everyone, My name is Alex, I'm from Colombia and I am 18 , I currently deal with anxiety and depression, and I am also on meds, I was searching for a meaning to live, I liked writing and doing almost every form of art, but I had some problems at school and with my self esteem and here I am, with no university, working for my dad and only alive because of my boyfriend, I often feel pathetic and disappointed of myself, I have gone through the disapproval of my parents to my sexuality Wich leaded me to a psicotic episode and started my depression, in my house everyone treated me like if I was a fool, very stressful or not important since I was a little kid, they have kind of changed but the damage is already done
I would cbt soon I hope, I really wanna go

 

[Letham]

Hallo, I'm Letham. I am 31 and I've been of a depressive disposition, to say the least, for much of my life. I think my issues are largely environmental, but the life I seek no longer exists in this modern, grossly "civilized" world of ours. In my teens, I felt I wouldn't live past my 20s; now, I feel I am long past my expiration date. I regretfully graduated from college a couple years ago and my time there has left me wanting little or no contact with the world outside the welcoming dark of my small room. I am not as suicidal as I was in college, but such an end is still what I desire. I live with my stereotypical, narcissistic baby boomer parents, and I have never held a job. Thankfully, my parents have seemingly given up trying to push me out of the nest, so to speak. Though I despise them both, and though they are not entirely pleasant toward me, better the devil you know, eh? I have no friends nor acquaintances and I am a celibate antinatalist, so I have no want nor need of a romantic partner. My life is rather empty outside of my few interests as I have abandoned most of my hobbies. There is probably more I could say. Maybe later. I don't know how active here I will be; I am not much of a conversationalist. The few people I opened up to in the past either betrayed my trust or abandoned me. I don't really care anymore; none of it matters anyway.

 

[Pho3nix]

Hello everyone. I'm a woman, 52 years old and have been suffering from incurable cancer since 2014. My life has been a shit show from conception onwards. The only reason I exist is because my bitch mother was too lazy to get an abortion.

I've never been married or had kids. My toxic family made sure to destroy me so much that no one wants to be with me. They even blamed me for the cancer that their abuse caused.

I should have died in 2011 and it would have been a peaceful death under anaesthetic. Instead, the universe decided to keep me alive to torture me with stage 4 cancer.

I've attempted to CTB once but sadly I woke up. I haven't attempted since because I'm scared of ending up worse. My cousin's son was braver than me and he CTB by train at the age of 19 two years ago.

In a nutshell, I'm waiting for eternal sleep and escape from this vile disease. I'm a truly broken person and have lost everything I worked for. On the other hand, the people who abused and broke me are living good lives.

 

[flow]

hey all, i enjoy listening to music and just vibing on the computer, i try to get as much joy as i can get

 

[greebo6]

Hello and welcome.

 

[TheReaper]

greetings, I'm a guy from Australia, who has been suffering from major depression, dysthymia, social anxiety and life for a long time. I usually play games mess with computers and watch stuff to distract. I have tried to ctb a few times unfortunately I didn't seem to have the right ticket. I'm working on my ticket so next time i can get a seat.

 

[polarbear]

hi
i m 23 year old college student.i have terrible social anxiety and bpd.i dont have any frienda well i cant have any friends as every interection i have is so awkward amd painful.i have been laughed at and called crazy. My life is so painful,i m drowning myself in drugs so i can escape the horror that is my life but i m gonna end it soon

 

[irateobserver]

23 year old unemployed grad school dropout. Life is beautiful. Not many reasons to stay, but not enough reasons to go. Reading this forum brings me a particular kind of peace, as I feel we've all accepted our fates.

 

[ElPaso]

Howdy.

I have a story to tell, but I don't want to do it yet. I am wanting to CTB because I am a victim of domestic violence and law enforcement is not helping. I don't see another way out. My dad was convicted of 1st degree murder with a parole past 2050; and my mom may do the same to me. She has a warrant out for her arrest on a forgery charge and no one is doing anything. I've tried to kill myself at 9, my 15th birthday, and 21. I'm 28 and it keeps getting worse and the behavior keeps escalating. She traveled 300 miles to stalk me and I had to spend the night in my university lab because I didn't feel safe at home.

I'm so exhausted.

 

[Hollydeathripper]

Hello everyone i am 33 and actually my life is a train rack with high levels of waves there is always something, i have depression suicidal thoughts my brain never rest and i try to act normal

 

[ravergirl]

Hello everyone i am 33 and actually my life is a train rack with high levels of waves there is always something, i have depression suicidal thoughts my brain never rest and i try to act normal

Sounds like we have a lot in common. Welcome. =]

 

[Hollydeathripper]

Sounds like we have a lot in common. Welcome. =]

that's awesome hi and well I'm so nice to everyone and always learned to act normal I'm Spanish so if you act crazy they are very judgmental

 

[sufferingalways]

Hello im 26 my name is raven and I've been wanting to ctb since my grandmother died and left me alone with my mother and step father who mental scared me for 12 years,spitting in my food,putting salt in my hair sleeping,etc I have two children lost custody of both due to ex and mother ,I tried od 9 years ago failed and damaged the thinking cortex of my brain and with my clinic depression I makes life un bearable,I can't communicate with people because I'm a piece of shit person who only thinks about ctb since I lost every, planing on ctb in 14 years but how my lifes going and how I let people treat me like shit because I feel like I deserve it idk sorry for the long post.

That's disgusting how you were treated. No wonder you have mental scars. It always shocks me how people can treat others so poorly, especially their own kids. Sadly I was abused too. By my parents. It wrecks everything.
Sending you Hugs xx

 

[itachi of death]

That's disgusting how you were treated. No wonder you have mental scars. It always shocks me how people can treat others so poorly, especially their own kids. Sadly I was abused too. By my parents. It wrecks everything.
Sending you Hugs xx

sorry to hear about your abuse and people wonder why were are who we are and thanks

 

[gcarb]

Hi, I am a medical graduate, currently applying for a residency position in the USA, in internal medicine. I'm currently in India NEETing my life in my parents home(both doctors). I'm depressed and I'm on fluoxetine 60mg and amisulpride 50 mg od(since 3 months) I've been depressed for like 5-6 years now. I compeletly despise the fact that my parents are becoming older and less functional every passing day and I wonder if I would be able to take care of them and all(I don' want to). So now that life responsibilities are building up, I think its ripe time to CTB, and be over with it. But I want to marry and love a smart and calm girl, so I'm holding up for now. Because of my mental health I've driven both my parents and my brother into a weird psychological state and they are losing it every passing day, I'll continue this later. Bye.

 

[mickey_welds]

Hi friends.

I've lurked here on and off for a year or so. Decided to sign up on a whim. I'll share my story soon. I'm always an ear to listen if anybody needs.

Hope everyone is well.

 

[stoned-cold]

Hey all just here to party and spread the love.
If I am in the mood, lol!
I'm not holding up well, but this site is like my safe haven.

 

[stygal]

Hey you guys!

I found this forum through Reddit and after reading many posts on different methods I decided it would be best to join.
I must say I'm quite impressed by how understanding and compassionate you all seem to be.
Never ever would I have thought to find a place where I can speak openly about wanting to ctb. Couldn't even tell my therapist about it in fear to be put in a mental hospital :(.

Im now 26 years old and leaving this place has been on my mind since I was a little girl. I've always been drawn to it for some reason, never been comfortable with society/constant pressure to be productive/general surroundings. Some traumatic events that happened during my childhood and later in my early twenties made things even worse.
On top of that I'm disabled and slowly losing the ability to walk - yeay - with constant nerve/muscle pain in my legs. So life won't ever be rainbows and unicorns for me - no matter how much "therapy" I'd go through or meds I'd take. That's why I decided (like some of my childhood idols) I won't ever be older than 27. One year left to acquire all the meds I need and decide on my method.
Looking forward to get to know some of you in the meantime :)

- sty

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Hey you guys!

I found this forum through Reddit and after reading many posts on different methods I decided it would be best to join.
I must say I'm quite impressed by how understanding and compassionate you all seem to be.
Never ever would I have thought to find a place where I can speak openly about wanting to ctb. Couldn't even tell my therapist about it in fear to be put in a mental hospital :(.

Im now 26 years old and leaving this place has been on my mind since I was a little girl. I've always been drawn to it for some reason, never been comfortable with society/constant pressure to be productive/general surroundings. Some traumatic events that happened during my childhood and later in my early twenties made things even worse.
On top of that I'm disabled and slowly losing the ability to walk - yeay - with constant nerve/muscle pain in my legs. So life won't ever be rainbows and unicorns for me - no matter how much "therapy" I'd go through or meds I'd take. That's why I decided (like some of my childhood idols) I won't ever be older than 27. One year left to acquire all the meds I need and decide on my method.
Looking forward to get to know some of you in the meantime :)

- sty

Sorry to see you here, I hope you will find the answers you are looking for.

 

[ProzacPrincess02]

Hey there, to introduce myself, I'm an 18 year old female from the US currently living in South Korea with my military family. I have autism (PDD-NOS), anxiety, clinical depression (atypical depression/persistent depressive disorder), and ADHD.

i'm gay and my parents are homophobic.

I'm on meds, I work out every night, and I have a girlfriend. No matter how good life can be, I'm just waiting for the day I have the balls to ctb. I feel like a fucking failure to everyone around me and I just see the future going to shit, my family WON'T accept the fact I'm gay, and the homophobia thing is really what makes me feel hopeless, other than for the fact I was never fucking acknowledged by my peers as an equal growing up, or managed to get a drivers license. My dad emotionally abused me as a kid and I grew up in a conservative area.

If I KNEW for damn sure people would fucking grieve over me catching the bus someday, I wouldn't be thinking of suicide. I think otherwise, though. I'm also a "psychonaut." I find peace and understanding in altered states of mind. sometimes it'd just take a good DXM trip to feel okay about myself again, but it's kind of hard to get robitussin without someone else knowing around here. It's some weird sort of rebirth.

I just wish i had some sort of relief to the ambiguity and watching my future go to shit that plagues my mind every day and clarity concerning what my existence means to other people. If I were able to step into a time machine that would show me the results of hypothetical scenarios, I could make an informed decision on whether or not to kill myself before 21. I already regret living past 15, and somehow I still try to squeeze every little bit of happiness out of life I can.

My hobbies include herbalism, poetry, EDM production, working out, skateboarding, Libertarian activism, and vaping.