Hello everyone. 29/female/US, Life story in a nutshell:
I was born to a fairly normal upper middle class family, early on I knew I was very different, I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers at age 15. I was bullied relentlessly starting around the time puberty hit by both teachers and students and would go on to develop OCD, Major Depression, and Panic Disorder. I eventually started self harming at age 10. Because of the Autism I also had a co-morbid learning disability in math, dyscalculia, which led to a particular teacher singling me out to psychologically abuse. Through all of this I'd develop bleeding ulcers and intentionally poison myself with medication from my parents medicine cabinet to avoid going to school, then hide the antibiotics to keep myself ill. My parents let me move schools when I tried to CTB at age 12.
At my new school I fell in love with my teacher, and he reciprocated, which lead me to getting in trouble with the administration. The bullying was still bad, but it was no where near my previous experience, though my parents had begun to see me as the 'problem child' and became verbally and occasionally physically abusive. After I graduated high school they had forbidden me to see my love, and in university I had a severe OCD relapse and developed Anorexia. When I was finally allowed to see a therapist they explained to my mother that I was dying of malnutrition and my mother finally began to accept my relationship. I went on medication and the next five years were great.
Sometime in 2015 I started to feel rough, an existential crisis if you will. I developed a sleeping disorder (Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) which made it difficult for me to finish university, I barely scraped by. My relationship had begun to deteriorate, my love kept putting his career before me. I wanted to marry, but he was afraid to lose his job if we did, though everyone knew of our relationship and didn't care. A decade went by after he'd proposed, but no progress was made. He developed a severe hoarding habit that I tried to help him with, but he only escalated until I couldn't stand it anymore, which filled me with guilt. I became irritable, and we became verbally abusive. I hated myself and still do because he was there for me, but I couldn't bear to live in the conditions that his depression created. I stayed for another four years.
I became so unhappy I reached to others online and met a wonderful man who I accidentally developed feelings for, though he lives on the other side of the world. Through much pain I decided to end the 13 year relationship with the only person I'd ever loved, and it felt like a part of me died. It was the death of a dream. Ironically my ex fell at work and broke his leg which put him in the hospital, I stayed with him for five months during his recovery. While in the hospital I caught tuberculosis which manifested its symptoms in late 2019. After a long battle I was well enough to take some time to myself, so I went for a hike. I was bitten by a tick and went on to develop Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever which nearly killed me. The antibiotic therapies have destroyed my body and caused me to develop CFS/ME.
Any future I'd have will be overshadowed by my illnesses, I feel like such a burden and I'm just tired of trying. I hate the way the world is going, I hate my own gender, I hate that I can't be a strong person for my new boyfriend, or a loving friend to my ex. I want to talk about these things, but I'm terrified of being seen as weak or bothersome. I wish I was stronger, kinder, more gentle. I don't know if I'll CTB soon, but I know it's my ultimate fate, and there is a sublime comfort in that.
Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this.
