Hello, dear newly found family,
I'm not ready to introduce myself the way most of you do, providing the age and place, but I'm going to try and do it my own way.
I'm here for obvious reasons, and reddit is the place that brought me here. Specifically, it's the 190bps heart rate mention (damn, that brave mf-er - my thought at the time), in one of the subs, after attempted suicide. Then google did the rest of the job. I can't actually believe I'm here, I read through some posts and it already feels like home.
Also it feels scary, my imagination is wild. I'm here, and that means I'm one step closer to something.
Reading through SN method got my heart pumping like if I'd already taken the shot. Then I googled to buy, and damn, SN is everywhere for sale. I'm scared... of me.
Death of the pet, PS752, failure at finding my SO, some poor life choices. If love is real, then grief is real, no matter how big/small the loss is. My grief is alone enough to make me want it, failure to share that grief IRL kills me every day. I thought that my other pet will provide the comfort till his own time comes, and it worked, until recently, that I want it so bad!, I'm here, with my pet still alive.
I'm a good listener IRL. On the web this trait makes me a good patient reader. I read about struggles of other people, feel their pain, but never reveal myself. I'm scared to end up in "prison" for the likes of us, if caught, because somehow, you live for others, for those who don't let go.
I like reading about how women fight for their abortion rights, because it's their bodies. Who are we to tell others what to do with them? But why can't the same be applied to lives them self? You are an adult, you decide you want to end it, but someone steps in and says you have mental issues. Are they right? Am I a mental mess that needs to be locked up? I don't know, but it feels like I... we, we will never be understood.
I've always felt like I could pull the trigger if I'd held a gun, and then I knew - that was a lie. I knew I needed to hold the thing itself, to finally understand how much I really want this. SN discovery is slowly becoming the substitute for the thing, and I can admit - I don't fucking know... I'm scared to place the order, to just keep it in my drawer till I break, but what if I'm asked what I need it for? I'm such a coward. It feels like there's a catch that will reveal itself once I'm ready to buy. SN, antiemetics... stuff that's dirt cheap. I can afford to go within a week, but my nervous system tries to distract me with stress food, reminders of my hobbies.
I don't know any of you, but I love you very much already. This place brings hope, closure, peace. Creators of this place, you are my gods (not in religious way).
