Introduce yourself

[Brick In The Wall]

hello, I chose my username out of haste, but it's true. 25m from uk, I dropped out of college due to anxiety but I didn't know what it was or what panic attacks were at the time. I smoked weed and drank for a couple years, started an apprenticeship, got a job, quit due to stress, more anxiety, depression and addiction to benzos (didn't know they were addictive and I could buy online legally), they were made illegal eventually so I got a script for them, that was cut-off due to a miscommunication, now I have to buy illegally. Started being isolated, lost all old friends, have none now, family have given up (nearly). I hate being a burden to them, but also feel a fuck you for them not even entertaining the idea of ctb and how bad my quality of life is. They think I'm not trying, which is true because I gave up on the health service a long time ago, so here I am :)

Hello, I am very sad I would like to die ....

Just wanted to say Hi

Welcome to the forum all 3 of you! We're here for more then just resources. There are plenty of people in similar situations from all walks of life. Reach out if you ever need to talk to anyone. I wish you all the best in whatever you endeavor!

 

[Mr. Whippy]

Hi.
I'm 19M, from Brazil. Extremely introverted, never had much in life. The only thing i like doing is studying the subjects i'm passionate about, but even that got taken away from me. Got diagnosed with ADHD (i also believe i have psychotic tendencies, but never tried getting a diagnose for that), can't fucking do anything and i'm completely dependent on expensive meds to function. I do not want to spend the rest of my life chugging pills everyday just to function on a mediocre level.

 

[HiddenAndBlue]

Hey all,
I'm 19M originally from the UK, moved to NZ while young. Im extremely antisocial, don't like talking to people face to face at all, and I use the internet as an escape from that. I have everything going alright for me in life, have a job, a flat, studying, a boyfriend, etc. Not sure if its just the depression or my fucked up brain that prevents me from feeling any major emotion. Was on psych meds for a while. Want to die ;)
Peace and love.

 

[MrOptions]

I'm 51, single and lost my only child- 18 yo- just a few months ago GSW to head. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. Made 2 attempts during my life ( one as a teen and one at 40). Been on antidepressants and anxiety meds my entire life. Now that my son is gone, have no support from family, have undiagnosed chronic fatigue, it's time to check out. Bought a 9mm, practiced shooting and now have it loaded to go with hollow points. I'm trying counseling and med changes, but I'm still utterly miserable in so many ways. I'm trying to hang on for a fundraising benefit for my son next week in which the mayor of my large city is attending. Also had a spring break cruise planned with my son that I wanted to go on in his honor-that's 27 days away. Don't know if I can hold on that long. Thought about jumping from cruise ship as well - at the END of the cruise because I don't want to ruin other people's vacation. So gun to head or ship jump? Not going OD route as it has never worked. Leaning towards gun as my son did. I'm just ready to go. I've suffered long enough and probably passed along my mental health issues to my son. That guilt pains me to no end.

Sorry for your loss.

My CTB method when the time comes is a 9MM with Underwood 147gr JHP rounds. Leaning 90 degrees against a wall and placing the gun in my mouth with a 15 degree upward trajectory. I won't even hear the slide rack back. That's how much I researched my method. Need to be 100% accurate and no pain, and instant death.

I'm hear to help others with any life experience I have had in the last 4 decades. I'm only still alive because of emotional and financial commitments to my immediate family.

May you find peace in any choice that you make to live on or to CTB.

 

[Marchioness]

I just realized there was an intro thread.

A lot of people wonder why someone as friendly, attractive and talented person as me would have thoughts like this. I'm glad I stumbled across this place using a different browser because I can't find it using Google. I feel less weird here, anyways.

Grew up in a cult church, lots of weird shit there. Left in my teens but not before they tried to "exorcise demons" out of me to get me to stay. Grew up in a household with parents who should not have been parents until they had gotten themselves somewhat right. They came from the generation of 'you don't talk about mental health' so I can't wholly blame them. I've been through most kinds of abuse you can imagine, it gets your head all screwy having a childhood/adolescence like that.

First chance to leave my home I moved 9 hours away and rarely spoke to my parents. Tried to make a better life for myself by getting an education and having a relationship with someone who came from a more steady family background. That ended with me being left with a bunch of school debt, theirs and mine. I was so hopeful it would work out and I'd have a good life for once. We were together for 6 years so I didn't mind signing my name on things I thought we were going to build together.
.
Ha.
.
I had to come home, not home/home but hometown area to afford living. I started attending therapy classes for the first time in my life, so many different therapists, so many different drugs, the problem is that all these people have gone to colleges and schools but can only find temporary fixes for my issue.
.
This landed me in a mental hospital after I told my therapist not to let me go home alone that night after the therapy session. I hated my stay there but I knew it was good for me, met a lot of strange but friendly people there. Met some people that I would not want to be a roommate with there (made me wonder what happens to drive people to a point like that).
.
I was okay for a few years after that stay but I just end up cycling back to this state. I wondered if all the abuse from when I was young is just some irreversible condition that I'll just have to carry with me forever.
.
I came here after a failed hanging attempt, it's how my young cousin departed and we all miss her a lot.
.
I'm a well known and respected figure in my community, I just got handled some bad cards at the start of life that continue to plague me while I breathe.

I just realized there was an intro thread.

A lot of people wonder why someone as friendly, attractive and talented person as me would have thoughts like this. I'm glad I stumbled across this place using a different browser because I can't find it using Google. I feel less weird here, anyways.

Grew up in a cult church, lots of weird shit there. Left in my teens but not before they tried to "exorcise demons" out of me to get me to stay. Grew up in a household with parents who should not have been parents until they had gotten themselves somewhat right. They came from the generation of 'you don't talk about mental health' so I can't wholly blame them. I've been through most kinds of abuse you can imagine, it gets your head all screwy having a childhood/adolescence like that.

First chance to leave my home I moved 9 hours away and rarely spoke to my parents. Tried to make a better life for myself by getting an education and having a relationship with someone who came from a more steady family background. That ended with me being left with a bunch of school debt, theirs and mine. I was so hopeful it would work out and I'd have a good life for once. We were together for 6 years so I didn't mind signing my name on things I thought we were going to build together.
.
Ha.
.
I had to come home, not home/home but hometown area to afford living. I started attending therapy classes for the first time in my life, so many different therapists, so many different drugs, the problem is that all these people have gone to colleges and schools but can only find temporary fixes for my issue.
.
This landed me in a mental hospital after I told my therapist not to let me go home alone that night after the therapy session. I hated my stay there but I knew it was good for me, met a lot of strange but friendly people there. Met some people that I would not want to be a roommate with there (made me wonder what happens to drive people to a point like that).
.
I was okay for a few years after that stay but I just end up cycling back to this state. I wondered if all the abuse from when I was young is just some irreversible condition that I'll just have to carry with me forever.
.
I came here after a failed hanging attempt, it's how my young cousin departed and we all miss her a lot.
.
I'm a well known and respected figure in my community, I just got handled some bad cards at the start of life that continue to plague me while I breathe.

I feel like I'm kinda an odd one out here because I'm actually very involved in my community and very social, I'm very much a people person and smile alot, it doesn't logically make sense to be on this forum but life is funny like that.

 

[CitizenNotSubject]

Hello, I didn't realise there was an "introducing" thread. I'm in the UK, not very willing yet to say much about myself, even anonymously. I've been depressed and guilt ridden since my father died when I was 12 years old, decades ago. I have drunk and drugged my way through life fooling myself that it made me happy, which it did a lot of the time when I was younger. I nearly succeeded in an OD attempt when I was 17 but my mom found me. I couldn't do that to her again but she is gone now so I won't have the guilt of that next time. Now I've got to wait for my cat.

 

[arslongavitabrevis]

Hello,

I'm an overthinking hermit from Scotland.
Life is a horrible, painful, violent, brutal con with brief but fleeting moments of succour.
I draw comfort from weed, wine and cheese.

 

[the_inbetween]

Hello.

I am a reclusive young man from the United States. I am 21 and work at a retail store. I like to read romantic-ish books, literary fiction, manga (rarely). I have have suicidal thoughts and self harm since I was a child. I live in a state of confusion mostly.

Looking to hear from you folks.

 

[Sweetfa]

Hi, I just joined. I plan to end things this weekend, I've ordered everything I need to arrive tomorrow.

About me, I've been chronically sick and disabled for far too long, dignity leaving me bit by bit. My mental health wasn't great prior to my physical health deteriorating but certainly worsened by that.

I did some good things in my life that I'm proud of and feel I've improved the world in very very small ways, certainly improved some lives, so I don't feel sad to depart.

I've also had a hell of a lot of trauma in my life from young childhood up until recently too, one trauma to the next without little break between.

I'm tired now of everything and just ready to find peace the only way I feel I can.

I leave behind 5 beautiful children, 2 grown up and 3 young ones who were taken into care after i was raped and tried to kill myself, I have no chance of having them returned with my physical health so bad and without them, I lost the will to fight to be here, in so much pain.

I have EDS and a number of cardiac issues as well as diarrhoea for nearly 2 years. I lost so much weight from someone who was once morbidly obese to now. It was hard mentally fighting to keep going before when I had my kids but just impossible now without them.

I have thought long and hard about the impact my death will have on them and don't do this lightly or without care. To overcome the shame and guilt that prevented me ending things before hasn't been without difficulty but I feel this is the best choice for us all.

 

[jecamole]

Hello,
I'm a 30 year old Brazilian living in South Africa.
Been diagnosed with severe recurring depression and psychotic symptoms.
About a year and a half ago I walked away from most of the achievements I had made in my life and a five year relationship with the most amazing woman. My psychiatrist says this was all due to a psychotic break, although I don't agree, just think I'm a coward who couldn't get through a rough patch like most do in life. I would like to end my life one day. Every new day is a nightmare of anxiety, self-hate and regret. I just can't go on anymore.

 

[MeatPopsicle]

Hello everyone.
I'm just another random piece of meat.
I've watched, leaner, made mistake, and have issues.
Got any questions? You know what to do
I think this community is a very diverse

 

[Tiktok]

I'm 19 years old. My English might be bad
ever since I grasped self perception (6 years old)l I hated myself and wanted to die.
I remember telling my friend when I was 8 "I wish someone shoots me in the back without me knowing about it and I will be instantly killed" and she told people about it.
I developed social anxiety, body dysmorphia disorder, and a whole amount of self hatred. I believe I was cursed to experience bad things only and nothing good will come to my life.
When I was 12 it was the lowest of my life. I just saw a movie where a girl killed herself by overdosing. So I went to the refrigerator and swallowed a lot of pills but they could be just any pills and nothing happened of course.
I still want to die because things have gotten worse and I see no true redemption

 

[brokenchair]

Hi everyone,
Turning 29 this May. I'm quadriplegic (C5 complete), been 11 years from third world country. I was 17 when I took a dive in this shallow lake and broke my neck, rendering me paralyzed from the chest down. To this day, I don't know why I took that leap, I wasn't really a dumb kid, or suicidal. No idea why...

Life has been quite a ride, and though a lot of things have changed, my disability, suicidal thoughts, loneliness never did. They've served as pillars through all my adolescent life. I can't document this last decade in text, but I would like to say that I'm tired. Really really tired.

Got my SN last week. Don't know when I'll do it. Maybe when mum dies of old age or goes out of town. I can't have her looking at my corpse, she might hurt herself seeing me like that. She's the reason I lived so long.

Anyways, glad to find a community that's so accepting of this choice we are yet to make.

 

[cobain43]

Hi. I am 24. Cancer survivor. My mom nursed me back. Not close to my dad. Tried to be a perfect son but failed. College was a disaster. Was in a relationship, but got dumped because I'm not rich enough. Stayed with mom. Things were looking better, and my mom died suddenly. I could not react. Harbored suicidal thoughts from a long long time and I don't see anything worthwhile to keep me alive. But yeah, there are some really good people in this group who tried to help me out and so I have decided to wait for a couple of months and see whether there is a scope in this world for a loser like me. If nothing changes, I will CTB. The death of my pet cat Oggy also kind of shattered me. I make portraits of people and play football. Thanks.
cobain43

 

[babyinmyuniverse]

Hi!
I'm 22. Long time lurker. Feeling very lost, lonely and close to the end. I live in a constant state of dread and misery and I've been holding on for so long to keep those around me happy but I just can't take anymore. I just feel most of the time I wasn't meant to be a person. Like I can't function in the way normal people can and maybe me being born was a big mistake on the universes part because I'm just not made for this world. Everything hurts so bad.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hello, my name is Lost in a Dream and it comes from the lyrics to the song Unleashed by Epica. I think it describes how I feel about my life and the world in general, like it's a dream or simulation that I wish I could wake up from.

I stumbled across this site a couple of days ago after searching for a pro-choice suicide forum. Before coming here, I was active in a pro-life site that was dedicated to the same topic, but there is only so much advice that I can give when some people there have already tried everything to feel better, without success. For me to say anything further (while avoiding censorship) seems hypocritical when I know I would have already ctb if I was in their situation.

I am 27 and I live in Michigan. I'm interested in storm chasing, listening to different varieties of rock and metal, and I am good at writing fiction. Before the curtain closes, I would love to be able to publish something that other people enjoy and would also like to be able to go storm chasing again. I only did this a couple of times with a friend a few years ago, but never got to see any tornadoes in person.

 

[Tats31]

Hello I'm Paul a middle aged guy who has struggled with not being good enough for most my life

 

[depressoandstresso]

Hello, I'm DS, 18 y/o (as of January) and discovered SS two days ago because the frustration of trying (and failing) to study for a math test fucked me up so much I kept getting thoughts of CTB :). I've been spamming/reading suicide discussion threads ever since.

Anyway—the main reason I want to CTB is because of school, these thoughts started in elementary and has intensified all the way to high school. The crushing pressure of maintaining my good grades has become too unbearable, and I'm too exhausted to continue anymore. I know this seems whiny, especially as I def don't have it as bad as most people on this thread (loving family, some friends, no bullies, stable financial sit, etc...) but every second of my life is dictated by school, I'm defined by my grades and I hate it.
Not only this, but school has made me realize that I'm just not fit to live in this world. I'm not a critical/innovative thinker—English has made me realize this, I'm not as smart as the people around me—school in general has made me realize this, and my social anxiety makes it difficult to function well (or even obtain) a job.

I haven't tried to CTB yet, I'd feel bad for leaving my family and I'm afraid of the repercussions if I was ever to fail. Currently though, I'm contemplating creating plans for partial hanging, the R2D mask, and perhaps SN (though this method seems impossible due to Canada's regulations). If I had a choice, I'd prefer to do it by shotgun, quick and easy, but again, Canada.

Enough of the depressy stuff :) I enjoy anime (or, used to, I cut it out last year due to school and ever since then I can't bring myself to watch anything), I love music (Eden, Keshi, Khai Dreams are among some of my fave artists), tiktok is one of the ways I escape my life/school, I love spamming youtube vids, memes give me happiness in this shit hole of a world, and I can't think of anything else right now. If anyone wants to talk, I'd be open to the idea of doing so, but I'm quite an awkward person and I can't guarantee a quick reply, so apologies in advance.

Thanks for reading, have a blurby cat :)

 

[Ryuk]

Hello everyone, i am new here...i suffer from complex ptsd, bpd, anxiety and depression. Due to childhood trauma, i find it hard to function in society and make relationships work. My bf of 6yrs has left me and i feel it is now the right time to CTB as i have been wanting to do it for ages but kept going and "living" as i cared for him. Now that he is gone, there is nothing holding me back. Tbh i feel a sense of relief and at peace when i think of dying. I have tried in the past but people have been around and stopped me. I have not set a date yet but it will be after i get all my affairs in order, put my pets in loving new homes. My method of choice is partial suspension.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hello everyone, i am new here...

And here I was, thinking that you had come to bring me the Death Note... I was ready to begin making arrangements for a celebration.

To be more serious, I want to welcome you to SS as a fellow newbie. I'm sorry that you've been through so much shit, but I hope you find the peace you need soon. It would be nice if you didn't have to ctb to do it, but that isn't the case for all of us unfortunately. Good luck Ryuk.

 

[Ryuk]

And here I was, thinking that you had come to bring me the Death Note... I was ready to begin making arrangements for a celebration.

To be more serious, I want to welcome you to SS as a fellow newbie. I'm sorry that you've been through so much shit, but I hope you find the peace you need soon. It would be nice if you didn't have to ctb to do it, but that isn't the case for all of us unfortunately. Good luck Ryuk.

Hi Lost in a Dream, I wish i had the Death Note...sorry for the disappointment!! I appreciate your support, and yes i am afraid some of us just aren't meant to be life dwellers....I am aiming for this year, hopefully sooner than later. Good luck to you too Lost in a Dream!

 

[throwaway8883PL]

Hello I'm 18, I was suffering from my depression since I was a child, mostly because of abuse that I had, also I had tried reaching out to people about my problems but most of them made fun of me which only worsened me and mental help in my country is a joke.
I had found out about this website five months ago but just recently decided to join.

I'm planning CTB this year, but my methods hasn't been determined yet.
PS.I'm sorry for my bad english since It isn't my first language.

 

[Spinoza]

Hello everyone.
First of all, I want to say that I was very pleased to discover this forum . Sorry for any mistake in my English.
When I check your posts, I feel accompanied by this daily pain that I have since I was 15 years old.

Moving on to the presentation. I am Portuguese and (live /breathe) right now in Bulgaria.
I'm 40 years old and you can call me John . I have depression, but I believe that this is not only the real diagnosis, but I am not going to a psychiatrist / psychologist since my 27 years. I think it is unnecessary, because I realized that more than any disease, what I have is the biggest trait of my personality. It is unalterable. What I see in the world, feel, the way I see and feel it, no therapy will change. I have always liked solitude and any attempt at a relationship is a premeditated failure. For the past two years, my daily life is working to survive and feed the lives I have dependent on me, in this case animals, because I never wanted to make a family (I find it too selfish to put a child in a world that I don't want to live at all.). And the reason why I still breathe are those lives that unfortunately depend on me. However, I have reached my limit, and after safeguarding the integrity of these lives, I want to end. What I estimate to happen in 2 months, maximum 3. A hug to everyone, sorry again for any mistake in English.

 

[DeathNoot]

Hi, long time lurker here. I'm 24. I suck, life sucks, I'm generally a waste of human life except for the occasional time I do art. When I die I'd like to go in mountains/forest. Dunno when, dunno how. We'll see what happens.

 

[zeroambition]

I'm a 19 year old male from New Zealand. I found this forum while researching the Exit Bag method. I was a lurker for a while then I finally made an account because I wanted to connect with like-minded people and I had a few questions to ask. I'm a big fan of Dirt Track Racing and Harry Potter. I love camping and listening to music, especially Pink Floyd.

I have Social Anxiety and Mild Body Dysmorphia. I tried getting help but I'm NOT willing to accept the way I look so unfortunately Exposure and Response Prevention therapy wasn't going to work so I had two options: refuse help or accept my appearance and move on and I choose refuse help because I'm not willing to accept my appearance. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.. My method of choice is Sodium Nitrite and backup methods are Exit Bag, CO Poisoning, Partial Hanging. I'm planning to CTB once my mother passes away which could potentially be 30 years from now. I won't be able to live on without her... I'm unemployed and will probably remain unemployed for the rest of my life as I'm living off my parents income and in exchange I'm doing household chores 9-5 Monday-Friday every week.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Hello I'm 18, I was suffering from my depression since I was a child, mostly because of abuse that I had, also I had tried reaching out to people about my problems but most of them made fun of me which only worsened me and mental help in my country is a joke.
I had found out about this website five months ago but just recently decided to join.

I'm planning CTB this year, but my methods hasn't been determined yet.
PS.I'm sorry for my bad english since It isn't my first language.

Don't worry you have great english, even better than some where it is their mother tongue!

 

[throwaway8883PL]

Don't worry you have great english, even better than some where it is their mother tongue!

Thank you that means a lot to me.

 

[symptomatic]

Hey there, longtime listener first time caller. 19 y/o in the frigid north of the US. I have so many thoughts and questions regarding death, of which I want to talk with someone about but would rather not have adult services called on me. That, and additionally the environment of non-judgement that I see here a lot feels comforting.
I've been in various levels of treatment since I was about 12 and diagnosed with psychotic depression. Primary diagnoses right now are BPD and C-PTSD I suppose. I've attempted to CTB a number of times and was so close from a s/i stab wound. Still bitter af about that one lol

idk what else to put here but I'll add that I'm very much in limbo in terms of my existence. Maybe that's separate conversation for another day. But for now, hello and thank you for having me :)

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Thank you that means a lot to me.

I completely forgot to say what you said sounds horrible. I relate to the issues about reaching out for help, I've never been made fun of but just completely brushed off, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think I can speak on behalf of (most) of the site in saying whatever you choose to do, we are here for you. If you need to talk I'm not here all the time but if you wanna message me I'll reply. Welcome :)

 

[Viola]

Hi
I've made a new account after the whole Facebook row.. but don't know if I should say the name I used to have right now! I panicked and left as got a couple of messages on FB. My own stupid fault. Lesson learned.