Hey.
I'm a 21 year old guy - I hesitate to use the qualifier "man" - living in California. I suppose it's obvious to tell that I'm suicidal. I don't think I've ever been diagnosed with anything formally, though I don't find this to be particularly relevant. I'm at a bit of a rut in my life... OK, I don't really know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning.
Bullet points for readability, and forced brevity.
-Born
-Mom is soon to be retired gift industry buyer, eventual stay at home mom, and part time musician
-Dad worked in the stock market
-Went home to a one bed, one bath apartment
-Parents buy house, move in, when I was about 9 months (my Grandfather helped with the down payment)
-Thanks Grandpa
-Go to preschool for two years
-Finish that, begin kindergarten at a K-8 school
-So
-Lower middle class family
-Mostly supportive parents
-They own a house (or have a mortgage on it, at least)
-Great grandparents
-Good family friends
-Everything should be good, right?
-Nope
-Apparently I'm some kind of monster
-Become increasingly depressed, or disturbed, or something in 2nd grade
-Get sent to therapy
-Get put on meds
-Prozac and two others, can't remember
-Risperidone MIGHT have been one, at least at one point, not sure
-Attempt suicide by hanging for the first time in 2009
-Failed, as is obvious
-Mom found out
-By now my Mom was full time at home, music career over
-I wasn't hospitalized, or 5150'd, or whatever
-Literally went to school the next day
-There's something sort of funny about that tbh
-Meds might have been adjusted at this point
-Grandfather died around now
-That hit me harder than I can really explain
-Got kicked out of school for fighting in 4th grade
-I had gotten in fights before, everyone did. Not sure what was different this time, really
-I was a bit of a burnout by this time though
-Didn't really do work, mostly just read during class
-Doubt they were big fans of my choice in literature, either
-Don't know why this was tolerated as long as it was, so the fight was probably more of an excuse to boot me
-I realize I'm skipping things, spare me
-Went to new elementary school
-For whatever reason, I decided to be less of a jackass
-Word got back to my friends from old school, who were surprised I was no longer an absolute mook
-Also got a little more religious at this point
-Maybe that's relevant, maybe not
-Elementary school went pretty easy for the next year and a half
-Then middle school happened
-Cross-tops and adderall absurdly easy to come by
-Who even needs sleep
-Barely scrape by, but C's get degrees
-One plus side of amphetamines is that you'll do at least halfway OK in school, whether you really try or not
-Probably wasn't a good idea tho
-I literally don't remember anything from sometime in December of 2012 to April of 2013, and my memory is spotty at best until that summer
-What I do remember from before that in middle school was mostly positive tho
-Yes, I was on Prozac this whole time
-No, I don't understand that either
-High school comes around
-I've largely replaced my adderall habit with a caffeine habit, mostly out of lack of access to the former
-Start playing/writing music at this time
-Go into high school
-Goes fine for a time
-I became a bit more depressed as 9th grade went along
-There was probably one main issue, but I really don't know at this point.
-Attempted suicide mid-way through the year, but it failed miserably
-Towards the end of the year I got in a fight
-No big deal, happened before that year a few times
-During the fight I picked up a pencil, and poked the guy with it
-Broke up the fight pretty quick
-OK, fight over. Move along.
-No, using a pencil like that is equivalent to using a weapon
-Effectively no different than if I used a knife
-My dumb ass gets kicked out of school
-OK, this seems familiar.
-Ended up doing an online school, from home
-"Virtual Academies" they're called
-Breeze thru pretty easily
-Graduate, now on to the workforce
-Aaaaaaand, soul crushed
-I hadn't considered the monotony of everyday, dead-end jobs
-That's where I've been the past three years
-Lost motivation for hobbies, such as writing/playing music
-Wasn't going anywhere anyway, but it used to at least be fun
-I've kicked the Meds, and most everything else (except caffeine, ofc)
-I don't see the point in taking the meds again, even if I could
-No point in deluding reality
-I'm in a position where I just don't see a reasonable future for me
-Nothing at all is enjoyable
-I have no real drive
-I feel stuck where I am
-I've pretty much withdrawn from any real human interaction, but I don't enjoy it that much anyway
-I can either subsist indefinitely, or just end it
-If I continue to subsist I'll just end it eventually, so the question has become now, or later.
-That's where I'm at.
-Now or later?
Well, I can't believe I wrote all that shit.
OK, moving on.
