Introduce yourself

[Nemeshisu]

Hello, I am a 18 years old male from Poland. Due to some traumatic events in my childhood, I have severe trust issues and i am extremly scared of other people. (I probably suffer from some complex PTSD, although i never diagnosed myself as i wouldn't be able to trust any psychologist). My life may not be that bad as lives of other people out there. However, I live rather socially isolated life. I find my loneliness unbearable and i don't believe much can be done about it, as i don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone in my life after how much I was hurt during it. I know I will eventually CTB because of it. It's not matter of if but when. Anyways, I seek to spend time with you folks on this forum while I am still here, as I think this is only place where I can talk freely without having to pretend to be happy or acting like I am not myself.

As for my hobbies....I am big fan of Japanese Literature. I am thinking about going into University for Japanese Language Studies (I mean if I still be in this world by then). As you can tell from my profile picture I used to watch some Anime. I don't watch it very often anymore though. I wasted a lot of my time playing video games, although nowadays I just visit some turn based online game on daily basis. It usually doesn't take more than an hour a day though. Most of the time I listen to music, I watch some videos on youtube or I read some stuff. I mean A LOT. It does not matter whether it is books or some articles on the internet.

As for the rest of my life. Well, I am that ,,perfect student" with perfect grades that is really stressed out because of it. I just honestly study so well because of my fear of other people. I absolutely hate when they are yelling at me as I dislike loud noises. Being perfect student resulted In my parents letting me to have some peace in my home. I feel so safe sitting alone in my room. However, I feel bad whenever i go outside as i often panic due to my distrust of other people. Some people may realize however I can't live forever trying to avoid other people as much as possible.

I kinda feel like dissapointment. That despite how talented i might be, I am still going to CTB someday of something so stupid like my loneliness. Well, I think that's all for now.

 

[T42]

hi friends. introductions are so hard and i always feel super awkward.

i'm 25 and use they/them pronouns. i've failed to kill myself too many times because i'm impulsive af and don't research much. but it feels really nice to find people who are pro-choice on this matter. i thought i was the only one and that i was just super crazy and needed tons of therapy because everyone else around me was pro-life.

no exact plan or date for ctb. probably going to look around for a bit at first.

okay, that's it. bye for now. :~)

 

[these_days9]

Hi everyone. Written this intro a few different ways and kept deleting it, but just going to leave it at hi for now. Thank you all for being so open and raw. I've been lurking for quite some time now and am always left in awe at the beauty of this community. It's incredible to find a world that finally understands your identity and thoughts when for so long you and everyone else has been saying something is wrong with you and needs to be fixed.

Pronouns she/her

 

[Epsilon0]

EpsilonZero because we are all vacuums filled with electric fields of despair, missunderstanding and frustration.

EpsilonZero because we are empty spaces that long, against all proof and reason, for a few sparks to light up the nothingness.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

Hi everyone. I'm not comfortable divulging too much personal/identifying information due to privacy concerns. That being said, I have been "lurking" on the forum for a while. I've read some good information, both heartbreaking and encouraging personal stories, and many interesting discussions. On many occasions I've wanted to chime and/or share my own experiences and struggles, so I finally decided to register. I'm looking forward to contributing to the community, and hopefully receiving some valuable input from others. Thanks for having me!

 

[Victor.K]

Hello, I'm 20 and here to study different kinds of suicide methods because I plan to quit soon enough. I used to be interested in the "exit bag" method before stumbling upon the SN guide by our comrade Stan (I hope he found peace where he is now, thank you so much for your awesome guide man), since then I've been preparing using his plan. However, I will continue to search for the best way out, even if SN already seems pretty ideal to me.
In the meantime, I hope to meet like-minded people who don't hesitate to think counter to the current zeitgeist. I already spent some quality time reading several threads as a guest and I hope to expand on that as an active member of this forum. Let's talk, learn something, help each other out and maybe become friend!

 

[sai96]

Hello everyone, I am 23 and currently in med school. Been struggling with mental issues as long as I can remember, however I am actively working on recovering right now. Had many attempts, treatments, medications, but decided to give my life another try - I am doing well in university and it keeps me going for now. Hope to meet people in the same situation here, I've been lurking for a while and wanted to contribute.

 

[hershberger]

This is probably not the best time to write this, as I am somewhat drunk (but apparently not drunk enough to type).

First of all, I did read several pages of introductions, and I can't say how much it means to me to find a place where the members of the forum have been so honest and come from so many different situations. Had I not read those comments, I would have declared myself as "unique" or some other stupid qualifier. The reality is we are all unique, and we all have come here from different situations and environments. Misery does not discriminate.

The basics I can share are as follows: United States citizen, age 47, and I am possibly unusual in this forum because I have never attempted to end my life. However, I have suffered with depression (and AvPD/GAD/OCD) since childhood, and some recent events have caused me to consider a real attempt...one that will succeed on the first try. I only found this forum yesterday, and I was thrilled to stumble across it. (What a contradiction, considering the subject matter!) Having said that, I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to have found you all. Even though I'm a lurker by nature, it's a blessing to have found you all. I have made no final decisions as to what I want to do (or not do) concerning my life, but to know I can come to this place without fear of judgment is such a relief. May you all find the peace you seek, whether it involves staying or going. Thanks to the founders/admins for creating this place. I am lucky to have found you all.

 

[RationalGirl]

Hello,

I am having a really tough time

 

[BabyYoda]

Hi, I'm an 18 year old weeb trash. Came here because I can't discuss certain things with other people I know in real life. I became severely suicidal after I've fallen in love with someone from my school, and shit completely turned things around. Suicide is something that I need to decide on for years because anime, games, etc. are stopping me. In general I no longer have the desire to become close to people because there is a limit to how much hurt I can handle. I already accepted the fact that I'm worthless and I don't really have much to contribute to society. Love (from others) is something I desired later in 2019 but not anymore. Society is just utter garbage. Details will not be posted in here, I will make a separate post some time.

 

[Demonbait93]

Hi im a 22/F
I live in Tampa FL.
I wanna die everyday and i hate living on this earth .
I'm looking for a partner . if I can find one, I have a car and a gun unless somebody has a better method.

Me and my boyfriend were gonna get married tomorrow. We had our whole future planed out.
Untill some kids broke into our house with a gun and tried to rob us. They shot and killed him while i was 10 feet away , they ran out and I called an ambulance and tried to give him CPR but he died , all i can picture most days is his face looking strait forward , his lips turning blue and there was nothing I could do for him.

And now i watch everything we had build and dreamed of fade away . I had to close down our business , I'm broke now and had to move back with my parents .

Now I dread 2020

I walk around feeling dead everyday , like why couldnt they have shot me to? I had to close down our business, pack up our apartment clean up the mess and I just feel numb everyday , like why me ? We didnt have problems with anybody we never did shit to anybody , we had our whole lives a head of us and now what ?

Fuck that I dont wanna be here anymore, i dont wanna be with anybody else , i dont wanna build a life with anybody else. i want to be with him wherever he might be.

 

[quifg]

Hi im a 22/F
I live in Tampa FL.
I wanna die everyday and i hate living on this earth .
I'm looking for a partner . if I can find one, I have a car and a gun unless somebody has a better method.

Me and my boyfriend were gonna get married tomorrow. We had our whole future planed out.
Untill some kids broke into our house with a gun and tried to rob us. They shot and killed him while i was 10 feet away , they ran out and I called an ambulance and tried to give him CPR but he died , all i can picture most days is his face looking strait forward , his lips turning blue and there was nothing I could do for him.

And now i watch everything we had build and dreamed of fade away . I had to close down our business , I'm broke now and had to move back with my parents .

Now I dread 2020

I walk around feeling dead everyday , like why couldnt they have shot me to? I had to close down our business, pack up our apartment clean up the mess and I just feel numb everyday , like why me ? We didnt have problems with anybody we never did shit to anybody , we had our whole lives a head of us and now what ?

Fuck that I dont wanna be here anymore, i dont wanna be with anybody else , i dont wanna build a life with anybody else. i want to be with him wherever he might be.

I'm sorry to hear that.
When were you robbed?
Was he shot dead because he tried to protect you?

 

[Demonbait93]

I'm sorry to hear that.
When were you robbed?
Was he shot dead because he tried to protect you?

Wasn't pertecting me per say, i was in the bathroom in our appartment and heard the gunshot and came out , and Oct.

 

[anxietyaddict]

Hi! I'm new here. I'd rather keep my name and age a secret, but here are some facts about me:

• I love music a lot!! I listen to many pop punk and alternative bands.
• I play the uke and a tiny bit of the piano.
• I love to help people and plan on becoming a psychologist one day.
• I'm a really shy and quiet person. I'm often very nervous and self conscious too.
• Even though people see me as positive and bright, I am quite negative and sad. Not many people know this.

I think that's all. I'm not very interesting, sorry xx

 

[quifg]

Wasn't pertecting me per say, i was in the bathroom in our appartment and heard the gunshot and came out , and Oct.

You had a business?
Did you own a company or just sell something?

 

[Demonbait93]

You had a business?
Did you own a company or just sell something?

We had a flooring company .
But we just started it , we had all the tools and few employees , we did a few jobs under the table so we could save money for our work vans that week and he was going to start training our installers .

 

[faraway_beach]

Hello everyone. As I wrote in my application, I have been diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the pancreas. I am not actively planning to kill myself, but I want to know my options if the disease becomes unbearable.

That is the short version. I have other problems, too. I have had two head and neck injuries that left permanent damage. I used to be intelligent. I was graduated from a good university with honors. Soon after graduation, I was a passenger in a car accident. I suffered whiplash, which was diagnosed and (inadequately) treated. I am lucky to be walking, and for that I am grateful. However, everyone was looking at my neck and failed to notice that I was also concussed. The muscle relaxant I was given for whiplash produced grogginess that masked the symptoms of the concussion. I forgot everything I had studied so hard to learn, and for a while I even forgot some English, so I couldn't explain what was wrong.

Have you ever read "Flowers for Algernon"? I felt doomed. I stopped planning for my future, because I did not expect to have one. I was considering CTB already, but I knew that suicide etiquette supposedly includes not doing it while one has minor-age children or while one's parents are alive. I lived with my parents, becoming their caregiver to the best of my ability. I found pastimes that were not mentally demanding, such as knitting, indoor gardening, Pokemon, and watching NFL football. I could not leave the house much, because even short trips aggravated my neck pain. I never became self-supporting.

Five years ago I suffered the second concussion. This time I knew something was wrong with my head, but because I had no health insurance, and because I had to get home to take care of my father, I declined to go to the emergency room. This time I lost the ability to take pleasure in even those simple pastimes. I lost even more thinking ability, and could not draw up a shopping list for the supermarket without going over it with my father three times. I had to ask for his advice on everything. Of course I could not figure out how to apply for aid, so I have no income of my own.

At least I now have health insurance. Last year, a biopsy gave me my cancer diagnosis. I declined all treatment because it would have prevented me from taking care of my father. My doctors all knew about my choice, and one of them stated bluntly that my job now was just to outlive my father. I was secretly relieved, because this would save me the trouble of killing myself. The disease would do it for me. Although I had contemplated CTB since my first concussion, and even thought I knew how I would do it (jump from a height), I have become more squeamish over time and do not think I could do that now.

My father died on Saturday night. Nothing prevents my dying now. Things will get worse for me. There is no money coming in, and there is a lot of paperwork I doubt I can cope with. If my disease were progressing normally, I could enter hospice and receive palliative care until I die. However, it is not progressing normally, and my doctors are puzzled. One of them suggested that I could contribute to science by undergoing a second biopsy. I think that if I did, I could consider that to be my service to the world and be satisfied.

If it turns out that I do have a deadly cancer, I want to know a way out for when the disease becomes unbearable. If it turns out that I do not have a deadly cancer, then I want to know a way out for when life becomes unbearable.

In addition to applying here, I have also contacted my health insurance to see if I am covered for mental health counseling. Because of the holidays,
I'm unlikely to get an appointment any time soon.

 

[Holacanthus]

Hi all. I'm astonished to have found this place. I thought I was going to have to carry the weight of this alone. I plan to catch the bus this year.

Short version: I'm in my 40s and have had PTSD, anxiety and depression for 30 years. I'm very isolated. I've tried everything treatment-wise (it's almost funny how many things I've tried), but at some point your road ends, you know? People tell you to never give up, but they're not the ones who have to carry on being you every day.

I haven't settled on a method yet. Many of them are scary and that's part of the weight I carry. The remainder is made up of equal parts regret for a life not really lived and knowledge of the pain I'm going to cause my family.

It's my hope that by being here, my weight will be a little lighter. I hope you can all help me to carry it. In return I'm going to try to do the same. That doesn't mean being spoon-fed information (although I am going to ask questions) -- it just means having a sense of community around this deep, dark secret I thought I could never tell anyone.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here.

 

[Sweet Release]

Hi.
Well, I am some one who used to very optimistic.
I remember I used to get called 'A Ray of Sunshine' a lot and had a really adventurous attitude to life.

That was long time ago now.
When I started to hallucinate and became psychotic my life really fell apart.
I have been in and out of psychiatric care for years and any ambition or dreams for the future were torn to shreds.

I have been through bullying as a kid and institutional abuse as an adult and it has pretty much drained the colour out of me.
I like to create artwork (my dream was to be an artist when I was younger), I like video games and I am also in a band.

I am suicidal though and would like the trauma to just be over.

Hi all. I'm astonished to have found this place. I thought I was going to have to carry the weight of this alone. I plan to catch the bus this year.

Short version: I'm in my 40s and have had PTSD, anxiety and depression for 30 years. I'm very isolated. I've tried everything treatment-wise (it's almost funny how many things I've tried), but at some point your road ends, you know? People tell you to never give up, but they're not the ones who have to carry on being you every day.

I haven't settled on a method yet. Many of them are scary and that's part of the weight I carry. The remainder is made up of equal parts regret for a life not really lived and knowledge of the pain I'm going to cause my family.

It's my hope that by being here, my weight will be a little lighter. I hope you can all help me to carry it. In return I'm going to try to do the same. That doesn't mean being spoon-fed information (although I am going to ask questions) -- it just means having a sense of community around this deep, dark secret I thought I could never tell anyone.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here.

I am glad you feel comfortable being here.
Hope you find like minded people for peer support.

Hi! I'm new here. I'd rather keep my name and age a secret, but here are some facts about me:

• I love music a lot!! I listen to many pop punk and alternative bands.
• I play the uke and a tiny bit of the piano.
• I love to help people and plan on becoming a psychologist one day.
• I'm a really shy and quiet person. I'm often very nervous and self conscious too.
• Even though people see me as positive and bright, I am quite negative and sad. Not many people know this.

I think that's all. I'm not very interesting, sorry xx

I think you actually sound like a really interesting person.
I like alternative music and I am also a musician; hope you get to help many people and do the things you love!

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Hello everyone!

I've been lurking for a while and am really pleased to be joining such a supportive group of people.

I've been struggling with some suicidal ideation lately, but this is often a symptom of my bipolar disorder. For me, thinking about it (I call it "fencing" with it) really helps bring it down to a manageable level.

I am heavily medicated, collecting a very small disability pension and married to a wonderful man who has no clue how close he's come to losing me.

I'm glad to be here.

 

[itwillpass]

Hi all

41 m, UK. Have suffered depression and anxiety since my teens though was only officially diagnosed early 20s. Been on meds ever since.

Never felt well but have in periods managed quite well. I've had decent jobs, got my first house at 24. From the outside at one point I looked to be doing okay. I then met my now wife..met her 12 years ago, I wont go into the details but I listened to my head and not my heart. Three years later twins came along. Yep I have children.

Unfortunately my now wife turned out to be an abusive, controlling, selfish person. I've stayed with her for the sake of the kids. This has now taken its toll and I've had a serious breakdown.

Quite honestly I'm really really struggling. I've had enough of the fight. The kids have been my motivation to stay here but even that's slipping. I know it's wrong.

So that's me. Not much to give but thanks for accepting me.

 

[Davout]

Male, about in the middle of my sixth decade. Had an unsettling premonition 25 years or so ago that I wouldn't last far into my seventh, but lately the prospect of doing so in spite of that premonition seems less and less desirable. Completely blew up my continually unhappy, but theretofore at least manageable, "life" six months ago and haven't decided whether to attempt to restore the status quo ante (which believe me was no great shakes) or instead to cause my corporeal existence to sync up. Want to settle my affairs and be ready for it when that looming decision is taken in earnest.

 

[RedVioletBleeds]

Hello! I'd rather not disclose my name and age but I'll give you some other information and why I've joined.

I started struggling with depression, social anxiety, self harm and sensory Processing disorder in my early teens. I got diagnosed with them which only made me worse.
I used to do dance and enjoy it a lot.
I like to read and write.
If I continue to stay alive my dream career would be a social worker.

I joined here just to talk to more people who understand what I'm going through really. To hopefully make some friends too!

 

[Sideswipe]

Hallo!

Been on here since my last birthday.. was meant to ctb then but bailed as I decided I wanted a partner this time. I'm getting to know the ropes here slowly.

I'm 33 from England UK (SE)

I have many pets and I am devoted to them and my kids.

I'm a diagnosed Borderline. My traits are very different to most though. I don't have many of the "common" traits.

I'm a sarcastic bi£&h who apparently cares for nothing, wants for nothing and feels nothing. (As quoted by psych doc)

I have physical problems too. Chronic pain caused by car accident at 19.

have made a few serious attempts at ctb but the bus was stopped in the nick of time.

I want mg name to change colour so attempting to read and comment on every thread available!

 

[NoCoast]

Hi, I'm 29 yrs old.
My favorite things are my dogs, sleeping, & tacos.

 

[wannabenorwegian]

Hello everyone,
Idk how to introduce myself. I've been reading posts from you every once in a while since late 2018 and decided to create a account for this decade.
I'm not a native English Speaker so please excuse me if something is not well written.
I fear humans and at the same time feel incredible alone somedays.(i know that it makes no sense) I already commited social suicide by deleting every contact possibility and distancing myself from everyone and am just waiting atm. Just waiting. Idk for what, maybe I just procrastinate. But i don't know for sure.

 

[TheOA]

6.5 years ago I had an NDE (Near-Death Experience). At that time, I also believe I experienced a soul exchange and have spent the past 5-6 years doing intensive work on myself (education, spiritual, metaphysical). I've been fortunate to experience what few others will in their lifetime while retaining memory and have grown considerably as a person but my time here in this fleshly body has come to an end. I will honor myself with a spirit-release ceremony during 2020 and I am glad that I found this group to help provide support to me and acceptance of my decision to end my life with dignity. I enjoy speaking with others (anonymously) about their NDE's and the process of letting go to return to something, rather than just to leave something behind. Blessed be!

 

[nonamegirl]

Hello everybody

I am in my 30s. I have suffered with mental illnesses since childhood. I also got tinnitus and hyperacusis........my conditions seem to get worse as I age and more problems show up. I tried it all: various therapy, medication, exercise ect. No real relief from it. I don't think I have what it takes to make it to old age and die a natural death, but I'm not ready to go yet either.

I look forward to communicating with you all. Hopefully I'll find somebody likeminded on here, as it's very difficult to get real understanding from people IRL.

 

[CookieBandit]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading on this site since september 2019 and finally registered a few minutes ago.
Just now I am not ready to share many details about myse... hold on... I have two cats, they are siblings and very cute 'n fluffy.
Oh, and I like cookies... ;)

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading on this site since september 2019 and finally registered a few minutes ago.
Just now I am not ready to share many details about myse... hold on... I have two cats, they are siblings and very cute 'n fluffy.
Oh, and I like cookies... ;)

Welcome to the forum! Many cat lovers here so I'm sure you'll fit right in.