Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
Greetings! New to the forum. Obviously, I'm contemplating ending my life prematurely. I have my fair share of problems and shortcomings, and they are unfortunately amplified by mental illness. I suffer from bipolar disorder II, which means that I have short and infrequent episodes of hypomania, a harmless form of mania, but in return long and frequent episodes of depression. I never experienced anything even remotely as painful before I fell ill. My medication has kept the depressive episodes at bay, but about two years ago, it inexplicably stopped working and my life has been a living hell ever since. My illness has finally broken me and I've lost the will to live. I'm tired and I long to sleep.
For the time being, I stay afloat with effective self-medication and I still have happy days, but this won't last forever and it's inevitable that I will end my life by my own hand. It may happen tomorrow or ten years from now, but it will happen. What's keeping me here is that I don't want to cause people I love grief, guilt, and social stigma, and that I've become something of a guarding angel for pupils with problems, and I don't want to give them funny ideas. Yes, I'm actually a teacher, hence my username. Anyway, I'm happy to have found a place where difficult questions can be discussed freely and without making people uneasy. You seem to be a nice bunch and I find it strangely soothing to discuss exit methods and my own departure, so for better or worse, I'll stick around.
For the time being, I stay afloat with effective self-medication and I still have happy days, but this won't last forever and it's inevitable that I will end my life by my own hand. It may happen tomorrow or ten years from now, but it will happen. What's keeping me here is that I don't want to cause people I love grief, guilt, and social stigma, and that I've become something of a guarding angel for pupils with problems, and I don't want to give them funny ideas. Yes, I'm actually a teacher, hence my username. Anyway, I'm happy to have found a place where difficult questions can be discussed freely and without making people uneasy. You seem to be a nice bunch and I find it strangely soothing to discuss exit methods and my own departure, so for better or worse, I'll stick around.
SleepyTime
Member
- Oct 10, 2019
- 98
Hello everyone,
I have been a lurker on this site for 4-5 months. Each time I was going to join, and/or start posting, the place blew up and there were lots of suspicions for new members. Anyway, I finally decided to start posting. My first attempt was 40 years ago (stupid, rash decision to swallow a bottle of Excedrin). It ended up with my first trip to the ER to have my stomach pumped. All I remember from that day is that it was not the glamorous experience I expected. For some silly reason (okay, from repeated viewings of Valley of the Dolls) I expected it to be a more surreal process, but no - having that tube shoved up my nose and then them using a turkey baster to put charcoal water into my stomach and then use the baster to suck it back out again. I guess if you are unconscious it doesn't really matter.
Anyway, that was the start on the road that lead me here today. I've always dealt with depression. And it really kicked off 27 years ago this week when I lost my partner. So for the past 27 years I have been majorly depressed trying to live with a broken heart. But no one knows. Everyone assumes my life is great - all the "wonderful experiences" and the "great life" that I've had. But they never see the almost daily crying. They don't know that after he died I would have to pull the car over on the side of the freeway because I was crying to much I couldn't see. I can't watch movies with friends unless I know I won't breakdown crying.
About 25 years ago, back when Oprah had her tv show, she did a show on depression. There was a list of like 10 things to see if you were depressed. All of them applied to me. I actually remember laughing watching that show. Because I didn't even realize at the time that I was clinically depressed. I started to believe when I realized that I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. Every room had a razor blade in a drawer or small box. You know, just in case.
So now, everyone I know is dying or has died. And it just gets to be a point when the exhaustion is catching up with me. But I am not ready this week or this month. What I want to is acquire various methods so that it gives me peace. Because that is all that is left - looking for peace.
I have been a lurker on this site for 4-5 months. Each time I was going to join, and/or start posting, the place blew up and there were lots of suspicions for new members. Anyway, I finally decided to start posting. My first attempt was 40 years ago (stupid, rash decision to swallow a bottle of Excedrin). It ended up with my first trip to the ER to have my stomach pumped. All I remember from that day is that it was not the glamorous experience I expected. For some silly reason (okay, from repeated viewings of Valley of the Dolls) I expected it to be a more surreal process, but no - having that tube shoved up my nose and then them using a turkey baster to put charcoal water into my stomach and then use the baster to suck it back out again. I guess if you are unconscious it doesn't really matter.
Anyway, that was the start on the road that lead me here today. I've always dealt with depression. And it really kicked off 27 years ago this week when I lost my partner. So for the past 27 years I have been majorly depressed trying to live with a broken heart. But no one knows. Everyone assumes my life is great - all the "wonderful experiences" and the "great life" that I've had. But they never see the almost daily crying. They don't know that after he died I would have to pull the car over on the side of the freeway because I was crying to much I couldn't see. I can't watch movies with friends unless I know I won't breakdown crying.
About 25 years ago, back when Oprah had her tv show, she did a show on depression. There was a list of like 10 things to see if you were depressed. All of them applied to me. I actually remember laughing watching that show. Because I didn't even realize at the time that I was clinically depressed. I started to believe when I realized that I had razor blades hidden throughout the house. Every room had a razor blade in a drawer or small box. You know, just in case.
So now, everyone I know is dying or has died. And it just gets to be a point when the exhaustion is catching up with me. But I am not ready this week or this month. What I want to is acquire various methods so that it gives me peace. Because that is all that is left - looking for peace.
Hi everyone,
I'm a 23 year old guy from Spain. For the last two years I've had cronic undiagnosed pain and depression. It's sad because I finished collegue (best grades of my promotion) and I have a wonderful and supporting girlfriend... But I don't feel able to carry out even basic daily tasks because of the constant back pain and anxiety. I have been looking to buy SN in case I decide to ctb, and I found it in a seller from Poland (don't know if it's reliable). Anyway, sorry to bother, and if anyone here is spanish or wants to talk feel free to PM me.
Thank you!
I'm a 23 year old guy from Spain. For the last two years I've had cronic undiagnosed pain and depression. It's sad because I finished collegue (best grades of my promotion) and I have a wonderful and supporting girlfriend... But I don't feel able to carry out even basic daily tasks because of the constant back pain and anxiety. I have been looking to buy SN in case I decide to ctb, and I found it in a seller from Poland (don't know if it's reliable). Anyway, sorry to bother, and if anyone here is spanish or wants to talk feel free to PM me.
Thank you!
27 year old female from the US here.
Have been depressed since I was 12 and nothing I've done since has made it better. I have lost faith in what the medical community touts as "solutions" long ago. I felt more like a lab rat than a patient.
My whole life since then has been a trainwreck of failure, wasted potential, and broken promises. All I've ever wanted in life is to make others happy.... yet no one ever tried to help me. They see my pain, I'm just not worthy of their time I guess.
Hoping the community here can fill some of the void my real-life connections have left in me.
Have been depressed since I was 12 and nothing I've done since has made it better. I have lost faith in what the medical community touts as "solutions" long ago. I felt more like a lab rat than a patient.
My whole life since then has been a trainwreck of failure, wasted potential, and broken promises. All I've ever wanted in life is to make others happy.... yet no one ever tried to help me. They see my pain, I'm just not worthy of their time I guess.
Hoping the community here can fill some of the void my real-life connections have left in me.
Well, If I could help you anyway feel free to PM when we are cleared to do so (I think we are both new users). I do have people who worry about me, the problems is that they can't, and I feel like trash for making them feel miserable.
23 year old female from South America.
Life has been hell for a while now and taking meds + going to therapy just isn't helping anymore.
I was looking for a reliable method to CTB when I found this website. It's nice to have a place where people can freely share this kind of information and do so without judgment.
Life has been hell for a while now and taking meds + going to therapy just isn't helping anymore.
I was looking for a reliable method to CTB when I found this website. It's nice to have a place where people can freely share this kind of information and do so without judgment.
SoupSnakes
Experienced
- Nov 11, 2019
- 217
26 year old female from NCL, UK.
Clearly SoupSnakes isn't my real name but we'll be immediate best friends if you get the reference.
I've suffered with severe depression since I was 15 and both depression mixed with anxiety from about 21. I've tried pretty much everything available treatment wise (now currently treatment resistant, yay me), I'm currently 1 treatment into starting ECT which was my way of not being sectioned.
I've been an excellent actress for many years and have been able to hide this all relatively well. I'll take any and all congratulations on my Oscar win. Thank you, thank you.
Clearly SoupSnakes isn't my real name but we'll be immediate best friends if you get the reference.
I've suffered with severe depression since I was 15 and both depression mixed with anxiety from about 21. I've tried pretty much everything available treatment wise (now currently treatment resistant, yay me), I'm currently 1 treatment into starting ECT which was my way of not being sectioned.
I've been an excellent actress for many years and have been able to hide this all relatively well. I'll take any and all congratulations on my Oscar win. Thank you, thank you.
Essence
Nothingness is the beginning of Everything.
- Nov 7, 2019
- 203
SoupSnakes
Experienced
- Nov 11, 2019
- 217
AlexM
To find the outer edge
- Oct 31, 2019
- 125
Hello
I'm a 48-year-old male from Russia. In september was a failed attempt CTB. Now I'm recovering and hope of treatment my depression. I've read the site for past few months before and that has helped me avoid any serious injuries.
I'm a 48-year-old male from Russia. In september was a failed attempt CTB. Now I'm recovering and hope of treatment my depression. I've read the site for past few months before and that has helped me avoid any serious injuries.
Thought I'd introduce myself to the forum.
As the name suggests, I've been lurking here for a long, long while. I've seen members come and go and I've felt a sense of bittersweet sadness when the members who've comments I've read often have moved on.
I'm from the UK, born and raised and I'm 27. I've had issues with myself since a pretty young age but managed to hide them fairly well - not counting melodrama during my early teenage years.
I won't say I'm looking forward to getting to know some people, but I am looking forward to joining in the discussions that take place.
As the name suggests, I've been lurking here for a long, long while. I've seen members come and go and I've felt a sense of bittersweet sadness when the members who've comments I've read often have moved on.
I'm from the UK, born and raised and I'm 27. I've had issues with myself since a pretty young age but managed to hide them fairly well - not counting melodrama during my early teenage years.
I won't say I'm looking forward to getting to know some people, but I am looking forward to joining in the discussions that take place.
n0505
Member
- Oct 6, 2019
- 53
My name is chi ,18y.
I am here because someone destroyed my life and my dream, I could have had it all.....I can't accept that I lost everything..so I want to kill myself before 2020, it is still planning. Whenever I express my pain to my friends, they don't understand...One week ago,I deleted all social Apps after saying goodbye to all my friends. now..I feel a little bit lonely... it's too difficult to plan and accomplish suicide by myself, which made me a little anxious, hoping someone could chat with me. But I am an introvert...and I'm not good at English, it isn't my mother tongue...So I am not good at replying. If you don't mind, please pm me...<3 x
I am here because someone destroyed my life and my dream, I could have had it all.....I can't accept that I lost everything..so I want to kill myself before 2020, it is still planning. Whenever I express my pain to my friends, they don't understand...One week ago,I deleted all social Apps after saying goodbye to all my friends. now..I feel a little bit lonely... it's too difficult to plan and accomplish suicide by myself, which made me a little anxious, hoping someone could chat with me. But I am an introvert...and I'm not good at English, it isn't my mother tongue...So I am not good at replying. If you don't mind, please pm me...<3 x
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TimeLawyer
Now scheduled for deletion. Goodbye all
- Oct 10, 2019
- 70
Hi everybody, nice to meet you :) I'm Timelawyer and I've been chronically unemployed ever since I left school. I have also had a lot of trouble over the years with people judging me and saying that I don't live my life in a good way- I try my best to be kind but sometimes my best isn't enough for people and I just don't want to keep going in this world when I can't even earn a living for myself and constantly feel guilty just for being me. I tend to break social "norms" a lot and like to just say how I feel honestly to people, hence the judgement, but I have never wanted to hurt anyone. I want out of this capitalist society that excludes anyone who dares to think, live or relate to people differently. I think who I am should be okay. Or at least I hope it is.
Well, that's me. I am looking forward to getting to know you lovely people
Well, that's me. I am looking forward to getting to know you lovely people
passenger27
In my beginning is my end.
- Aug 25, 2019
- 642
Hi. Ive been a lurker on here since August. I really don't know much to say about myself. I've never been good at stuff like this.
I live in the US just outside of Atlanta, Georgia. I'm 48, mentally ill, and tired of all the demons I live with so I plan on a bus ride soon.
This site has been very informative and I'm grateful for it. I've found a lot of good info on here and a lot of good people.
I don't know what else to say other than it's nice to meet you all, and I hope I passed the audition. :)
I live in the US just outside of Atlanta, Georgia. I'm 48, mentally ill, and tired of all the demons I live with so I plan on a bus ride soon.
This site has been very informative and I'm grateful for it. I've found a lot of good info on here and a lot of good people.
I don't know what else to say other than it's nice to meet you all, and I hope I passed the audition. :)
Ironweed
Nauseated.
- Nov 9, 2019
- 321
Forgot to do this...Oops.
I'm old, tired and basically ready to go. The biggest things holding me back are inertia and cowardice.
I was a member of the old now banned subreddit, though I can't imagine anyone remembers me.
As an aside and to appease my Autism, can somebody let me know what the different colors of user names mean? It is the one thing I didn't see explained somewhere. I'm guessing there's a color for Mods and Admins and maybe one for users who've made some number of posts, but the absurd way my mind is constructed seems incapable of letting it go. Sorry.
I'm old, tired and basically ready to go. The biggest things holding me back are inertia and cowardice.
I was a member of the old now banned subreddit, though I can't imagine anyone remembers me.
As an aside and to appease my Autism, can somebody let me know what the different colors of user names mean? It is the one thing I didn't see explained somewhere. I'm guessing there's a color for Mods and Admins and maybe one for users who've made some number of posts, but the absurd way my mind is constructed seems incapable of letting it go. Sorry.
TearyEyedQueen
In the wrong timeline
- Nov 14, 2019
- 366
Hello! I've already posted my reply here yesterday but then I got paranoid so I deleted it but here I try again.
I'm a nineteen year old female who has just registered yesterday, although I've been lurking for a while.
I've struggled with depression since I was about 12, tried different meds that didn't work, therapy that also didn't work, but a set of events in this last year is what really threw me off. I'm looking for a quick way out, as peaceful as possible. Also, if anyone needs to talk or rant, feel free to do so!
I'm a nineteen year old female who has just registered yesterday, although I've been lurking for a while.
I've struggled with depression since I was about 12, tried different meds that didn't work, therapy that also didn't work, but a set of events in this last year is what really threw me off. I'm looking for a quick way out, as peaceful as possible. Also, if anyone needs to talk or rant, feel free to do so!
catbirb
dysfunctional
- Nov 15, 2019
- 4
Hello, I am a 26 year old female from a south-east asian country. On and off depression and anxiety since 18 years old. Recent events had me reflect on my life and realize that it's not going to get better and I would make the same mistakes again and again. I feel guilty for my past which has always haunted me. I just fail at life. I struggle at things that people do easily. SN would be the method of my choosing. I like animals.
quifg
Member
- Oct 28, 2019
- 32
Detour
Detour Ahead
- Oct 25, 2019
- 60
catbirb
dysfunctional
- Nov 15, 2019
- 4
quifg
Member
- Oct 28, 2019
- 32
lavenderlungs
Member
- Nov 16, 2019
- 17
hiya,
i've been lurking the forums for about a month now, and finally decided to make an account yesterday. it's nice to find a place where ppl can be honest with how they're feeling.
for me, it's the usual anxiety & depression. suicidal ideation has increased ten fold this year, with some paranoia that is affecting my sleep & functioning, as well a loss of interest/motivation in most things...sigh.
sometimes i can see that there is a light @ the end of the tunnel, but other times it's all too hard. anyway, nice to meet you all on rainbow road.
p.s - there is a severe shortage of emojis to use around here :((
i've been lurking the forums for about a month now, and finally decided to make an account yesterday. it's nice to find a place where ppl can be honest with how they're feeling.
for me, it's the usual anxiety & depression. suicidal ideation has increased ten fold this year, with some paranoia that is affecting my sleep & functioning, as well a loss of interest/motivation in most things...sigh.
sometimes i can see that there is a light @ the end of the tunnel, but other times it's all too hard. anyway, nice to meet you all on rainbow road.
p.s - there is a severe shortage of emojis to use around here :((
Hangm4n
Consciousness & awareness
- Nov 17, 2019
- 73
Hi all
I am hangm4n and as it suggests yes I want to go out by hanging.
I signed up to here yesterday after literally losing all hope, I Find comfort here knowing I'm not the only one and know that everybody is supportive of people's choices.
I have attempted hanging multiple times recently and have not had the accuracy to get it done properly.
anyway I enjoy video games, conspiracies and food, man I love food.
nice to meet you all.
I am hangm4n and as it suggests yes I want to go out by hanging.
I signed up to here yesterday after literally losing all hope, I Find comfort here knowing I'm not the only one and know that everybody is supportive of people's choices.
I have attempted hanging multiple times recently and have not had the accuracy to get it done properly.
anyway I enjoy video games, conspiracies and food, man I love food.
nice to meet you all.
selfconnected
Member
- Nov 18, 2019
- 15
Hi everyone! Just found this so thought I'd post an introduction before I get too ahead of myself lol.
Idk how to introduce myself other than to say hi I'm here now, lurked as a guest for a couple days before deciding to make an account.
I'm an artist, or at least I'd like to think I am tbh, don't think I'll ever stop learning. I play the ukulele for fun, tho I don't do a lot else with my life.
I feel like there's so much respect here, people seem to really get it, yknow? They really want to care about and support you whether you want to go or not. That feels really rare and special, I'm excited to be a part of it.
Idk how to introduce myself other than to say hi I'm here now, lurked as a guest for a couple days before deciding to make an account.
I'm an artist, or at least I'd like to think I am tbh, don't think I'll ever stop learning. I play the ukulele for fun, tho I don't do a lot else with my life.
I feel like there's so much respect here, people seem to really get it, yknow? They really want to care about and support you whether you want to go or not. That feels really rare and special, I'm excited to be a part of it.
I’vehadenough
Elementalist
- Sep 15, 2018
- 847
I've been on here a long time, but still looking for people to chat with so I can kill time while waiting for my death
I'm female, victem of a surgery gone wrong where I can no longer live a normal life. Before this, I was a party girl with several college degrees, and there's no way I'm going from living that life to this one of pure shit and boredom.
I plan to go out via soft hanging or heroin. Would like to meet ppl
I'm female, victem of a surgery gone wrong where I can no longer live a normal life. Before this, I was a party girl with several college degrees, and there's no way I'm going from living that life to this one of pure shit and boredom.
I plan to go out via soft hanging or heroin. Would like to meet ppl
Kirakishoo
Kirakishou
- Nov 18, 2019
- 1
Hello everyone,
I'm a 17 year old female. I've had a very rough past and I'm still dealing with it, I might post about it before I ctb. I like listening to music and playing games,
It's lovely to meet you all :)
I'm a 17 year old female. I've had a very rough past and I'm still dealing with it, I might post about it before I ctb. I like listening to music and playing games,
It's lovely to meet you all :)
dreaf
Member
- Nov 14, 2019
- 28
Hello all i'm 34 years old male. Lost boths my older brother and my twinbrother in suicide hanging some years ago. Now it seems my life is going the same way. Maybe i can meet them two in heaven 
