Introduce yourself

[DanielDanDean]

Call me Daniel (26 M, Southern France)


Thinking about death since the age of 13, when I was bullied in middle school and my mother who lost my custody started exhibiting heavy symptoms of schyzophrenia.

My father with who I was living with was very strict and verbally abusive, sometimes physically.

I took drugs in high school and drank a little to forget how shitty my life was, had some friends, girlfriends and hookups while living at my sister's place or at my friend's.
Tried to kill myself with a garbage bag but I panicked as I struggled to breathe (duh).

After magically passing my HS diploma I met a girl, with her I had for the first time of my life a bit of hope.
My life changed from semi homeless drunken mofo to "normal young adult", landed in a job in southern France with a decent pay only for the girl to cheat with another man before lockdown and disappearing during it.
Calling my sister while sobbing lead me to learn that she had breast cancer, because of which she died a year ago.


After trying another time but not being confident enough to jump from the bridge I wanted to jump off I managed to continue having a "stable life" without the girl that "saved me from my previous life" and trying to have fun like every young person should be able to (something I didn't have because when I was a teen : I rarely had fun and never was able to live carelessly because surviving, buying food and not failing school was a little of a concern for me).


After my sister died last year I panicked about the directions my life was going and wanted soooo bad to have a stable Relationship, do everything society expects me to, which led me in the arms of a woman who :


- Is jealous AF

- Routinely berates me for little things like forgetting to do a chore or forgetting something she said

- Isolated me from my friends

- Stalked of my social medias, my phone gallery, my computer to berate me about my past or about keeping photos of my ex

- When I tried to leave her, threatened me with ruining my life (like revealing all of my past to my employer), harassing me and stalking me, something she already did to some of her exes ( I know some examples of her stalking her ex who she dumped 5 years ago)

- When I tried to CTB 3 months ago, she called my father (with who I finally managed to have normal contacts with) to explain what I did and why I did it, revealing to him our sex life and ruining every little bit of progress I



It's been 1 year with her and I can't stand it anymore, I can't leave my job because I'll never find one like this and processes in my workplace to move are slow and as she knows some of my colleagues she would be able to know where I'll be trasnfered, stalk me and harass me.

I only can go to my home if she is with me, the only place I can be "free" of her surveilling every move, every text, every mail I receive is my workplace.


Sometimes I think about leaving everything and try to start a new life elsewhere in my country but she'll try to find me, even going to the police to file a missing persons report if necessary and I'l need to cut contact with all of my family definitively.

Sometimes I just give up and try appreciate the good sides of this relationship, which is not an easy deed.

I think I have many mental and cognitive issues, my bad décisions or mistakes from the past are sometimes hauting me

This is only "my" side of life but the world in general sucks, working isn't Worth it anymore, buying a home is unaffordable in every western country and many people Don't fell safe when Walking in the streets.
Politicians and wealthy people clearly Don't have normal people's interests in mind and Nothing seems to go in the right direction..
The world sucks, my life is pretty bad even if i'm not in the same precarity as in my teens and I Don't see how anything can get better.

 

[Fivelimit]

Hi, 32 M here. Living in the North of the Netherlands. I first used this forum about 6 years ago. After a lot of running around and trying to feel hopeful in life, I find myself on here again. Would be nice to meet people (especially if resident in Holland, M and around my age +-10). Sorry if this sounds weird but I find it easier to communicate with people of same sex and similar age. But that's not a deal breaker.

 

[Fivelimit]

Hello. 29 M from Northern Europe. Long time user (10+ years) in ASH/ASBS communities. Feels like life went wrong from the start and I never stood a chance, though compulsively comparing myself to others probably make it seem worse.

Looking back at my earliest memories, I can see that I was "weird" and doomed from birth. Never had a friend in real life. I love meeting people but people can't stand me and I can't seem to be normal. It's painful and the older I get the more I wish I had been normal.

Doctor suggested I'm mildly autistic but I didn't want a diagnosis. Only use for it is getting government support which I don't want.

Apart from that: psychosis, GAD, major depression. Spent some short time in psych wards a few times. Spent a couple years on antipsychotics but I've had zero psychotic symptoms for 8 years now, thankfully. I used to get myself close to death almost every day to ease the pain of being awake.

Grew up with a sick dying parent. Other parent avoided us, so I became a caretaker. Bullied for a chronic illness I had. Dropped out of high school. Studied online didn't step outside for more than 2 years. Dropped out again and got a job to escape my family situation.

Managed to build a career in IT and made really good money, ran my own company. I built up my confidence, I felt good about myself. Travelled the world, moved to a beautiful sunny country. Then my first girlfriend broke my heart. Now I don't do anything. Living on savings. You know what will happen when they run out. I know I can get back on track but I can barely put my clothes on, and honestly I don't care. I see nothing worth doing in life. Currently making it through the day by mixing prescription meds with a couple beers every day.

Sorry for writing such a long post. It's probably pointless and I doubt anyone will read it. Feel free to message me. I'm good at being an online friend.

Hey, was meaning to send you a message but it looks like your PMs are disabled. Would like to connect if you don't mind.

 

[imissmycat]

Hey, was meaning to send you a message but it looks like your PMs are disabled. Would like to connect if you don't mind.

I have to wait 24 hours apparently.

 

[QueenInsomnia]

Hello everyone. I'm QueenInsomnia, new to this forum. Like many here, I find myself awake in the long hours of the night, grappling with heavy thoughts. I'm here to listen, to understand, and to share in this space where we can openly discuss the struggles that keep us awake. In the darkness, sometimes it helps to know we're not alone in our sleepless vigil.

 

[walkingcorpse13]

hello im wal from SEA
here to interact and hopefully ctb soon as living with the deproso for a decade and slowly learning more disabilities i have not really helping

 

[Minsu]

I'm a very ordinary girl from South Korea, I'm in my in my early 20s and I've been suffering from social anxiety and depression for at least 9 years straight.
I'm a very introvert person and I like coding and gaming

 

[sserafim]

I have tried some of them, but my attention span says no if there are more than 20 episodes. I'm probably going to watch Death Note this week. It seems fun.

JJK is really good too. It's my new obsession

 

[blueberryDesert]

Hello Everyone!
Been lurking for over a month and decided to join. I am over 60 and am about 3/4 of the way done with my planning to ctb.

 

[coffeebeany]

Hi, my name is Rin. My life was ruined to an irreparable degree years ago during my adolescence. The past for me was hell and the memories of it, I can't even tell anonymously to strangers or on this forum. In retrospect, I should have killed myself back then. But I didn't. I was young, I had this foolish thought that things would get better. If I gave it my all, if I tried... then I could be happy. So I lived. And despite achieving things I thought would ideally give the average person fulfillment, I found the emptiness that formed from that trauma and pain still there. Inside of me, it remains as if it's an organ that I can no longer separate myself from.

I hope I can be free of it soon.

I sympathize with you a lot. I feel very similarly and I hope you get to find the peace and freedom you deserve.

 

[mckf]

Hi Everyone,

Im from Australia, Asian M in my mid 20's. Discovered I've got a chronic incurable progressive disease this year which has ruined my whole life. Hoping to CTB soon before the diseases renders me unable to take care of myself.

I'm a big manga/anime/kpop fan. I also used to love playing computer games, basketball, tennis and snooker before my illness.

 

[lostsoul2050]

Hi! I'm on my early 30's American female. I've been suffering from depression, anxiety, and a mood disorder since I was young. I enjoy reading, music, and watching tv.

 

[puppybrained]

hello everyone!! i've been posting for a few days, but to introduce myself i'm a 22 year old loser. i'm generally worthless and a leech on society, and i'm very unstable and difficult to be around, so i'll probably ctb early. i currently don't do a lot, but usually i love video games, anime, and cute things. my favorite games are monster hunter (but i've only played world + rise), ffxiv, and risk of rain 2. i used to do digital art and still do on occasion, but i don't do it often enough to say i'm an artist. i don't like making friends, but i do want to come online often enough to recognize some people, and hopefully get to know some despite the nature of this site.

 

[Gangrel]

Hey everyone, wanted to introduce myself first before i start posting, not that it changes something, i'm just pretty hung up on social norms. I've been lurking on here for some time, decided to bite the bullet and register despite disagreeing sometimes with this website on some stuff.

I'm 26, english isn't my first language. I'm just a stupid dude. College dropout, had to start at 15, didn't fucking know what i was doing. Was cutting since teenage years but stopped before major marks. Always wanted to CTB since i remember being grown enough to think for myself. I'm gay in a very conservative family, in dumb fuck nowhere (almost a village). Only recently i got a job so things been kinda better since i can fill the void with material stuff i kinda enjoy, sometimes i don't even do enjoy them.

I've been suffering from depression, anxiety and BPD for most of my life. It's tough, had some very low moments that keep me awake at night like a ghost that never leaves. Not gonna lie, happy to have those days behind me but the scar is always there it seems, sometimes it gets infected and leads me places like this forum. I'm trying, have been trying for most of my adult years to get better, but as you all probably know, it can only do so much to keep the thoughts away. I don't know when i will CTB. My partner keeps me mostly sane but again, never deposit your eggs in just one basket, specially if that basket is a person.

Right now i mostly enjoy video games and mindless scrolling, i'm pretty ordinary even though it doesn't feel that way at all.

It's nice meeting you, it will be bittersweet saying goodbye one day. Nice travels everybody.

 

[bluejelly]

Hi, I'm F, in my thirties, in the UK. I've been reading posts for about a year so decided to join. I have BPD and depression. I have my plan, I just need a date for CTB.

 

[ad astra]

Hi there. 20, Nonbinary (they/them pronouns), been having CTB feelings on and off ever since I was a young teen. Personally, with how overwhelmed I get with life as it is currently, I don't honestly really see myself being able to handle myself and a career in the future, so I'm just going through community college and hoping I either pass away to a disease or accident before 30 or that I'll actually be feeling mentally ready to CTB at that point. I don't currently have a plan nor a date, to tell the truth.
I've been through a lot of stuff as well over the past few years that I'm not going into further detail on for the sake of maintaining my privacy.

As for hobbies, not a whole lot. I enjoy some video games, as well as watching videos on youtube, especially cartoon webseries shows. I like to draw things sometimes. I just hardly have the time and energy to do much in terms of actual activities, so it really is just mostly watching videos/cartoons online.
I'm not sure how active I'll be on here, but I do hope I get to make a few friends here, at least for whatever time I have left.

 

[tinyhotot]

Hii, I'm Tinyhotot. I have other names but I wanna give you this one. 21y/o, nonbinary, he/they pronouns.

I love anime and cats and cosplaying and raves/parties. I want to make a few friends that understand me. I feel happy when I see others have moved on. I want to join them when I'm brave enough.

Life isnt for me. I keep ruining things. I have bpd and depression and ptsd ans autism. So much has happened to me. I dont want to be here I dont want to be born. All i can do is leech off of others. I contribute nothing to society. I am very close to moving on, I want to move on, I dont know why I keep giving life a chance. I think we're in a toxic relationship.

 

[Darkhaze_]

Hi..
Female, mid-late 20s, straight, London.

I have a strong desire to pass - wouldn't be on here if I wasn't absolutely desperate.
As bad as it sounds I would much rather go from a physical illness/disease, (one that was reasonably painless) or an accidental overdose. Even someone putting me out of my misery - to put it nicely (I know this is not that kind of site).
Seeing as I can't just make those things happen, it looks like I am going to CTB at some point. However, I don't have much courage. I am not prepared at all and really don't know where to start to be honest, although I have some ideas.

I'm not sure how often I will be on here but I would definitely like to make some friends.

 

[Opossum]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hey, im opossum.
I like art, anime, writing, and sleeping so i dont have to live in reality. I have a cat, his name is Gemini Demonic Toster and hes been with me through the worst.
Not much else to say about me.

 

[AlexZ1993]

Hello people,
I am Alex. I am 31 and from Germany, depressed since my teenage years and I hopefully wont be active on this forum for a long time. Nothing against you people. I just hope i will ctb successfully haha. I like gaming,music,formula 1, playing piano and sports. I hope you all have one of the better days!

 

[iwantittobeok]

I used to be a musician and singer, and I loved anime and swimming. Recovering scene kid. Love of my life died at 26 almost 3 years ago, and it's my time to follow him into the dark. I met someone I thought he sent to me but turns out he was just holding my hand as we walked down into a different kind of dark.
I am scared to do it but I have to to save the people here who love me, I'm unfixable truly. I am completely broken, it's been affirmed after 3 years.
I wish I could have been different, but I did this to myself and it's time I stop punishing people with my shortcomings and brokeness

 

[astr4]

Hello people,
I am Alex. I am 31 and from Germany, depressed since my teenage years and I hopefully wont be active on this forum for a long time. Nothing against you people. I just hope i will ctb successfully haha. I like gaming,music,formula 1, playing piano and sports. I hope you all have one of the better days!

omg detective kim :o

 

[AngelHope3]

Hi,
I am a 41yr old, from North Texas. I am diagnosed bipolar, panic attacks. I have been in a really dark place for a few months now, and love the support here for pro choice.

 

[CatLvr]

Hello. Nice to meet y'all. I'm an old lady. Lol Live in the US, Central OK. Am a country girl who wound up in the city to give my kids a better chance at life. Thanks to an extremely dysfunctional family I am FUBAR'd beyond belief and have considered ctb on and off my entire adult life.

I'm here (in the world) because I have a husband who would not care for my pets if I ctb. I can't just abandon them. I was down to one dog, who is an older fella now, when the universe conspired against me and my grand plans, and gifted me with a young dog that had been abandoned and a litter of kittens, which were feral and starving. The kittens are no longer feral and now rule the roost around here. Sigh.

 

[exitingtothevoid]

Hi... mid-30s trans woman here. I've had suicidal ideation off and on since I was a teenager. Most of the time I'm ok, but sometimes the anxiety and hopelessness just builds and builds till the void calls real hard. I've made a couple of serious attempts in the last couple of years but just couldn't go all the way. Found this site while researching better methods and decided to join up. It gives me hope that this site exists where I can openly talk about this... either so I can stay ok or so I will have a safe and painless way to cfb when the time comes.

 

[banger12]

Hi everybody, I'm banger12 (would prefer to dodge my real name) and I'm a 21 (soon to be 22) y/o man living in the northwestern United States. Since my early teens I've suffered from somewhat persistent issues of depression, anxiety and CTB ideation. I've also never done well with people and go through episodes of being chronically lonely and socially unfulfilled against my will. There were periods in the past where I had made plans and had been hospitalized when I was younger but at this point I can dismiss that as somewhat ridiculous; a dangerous over reaction to issues that weren't worth taking the action that I desired at the time, and in the following years I had gotten better at curbing and controlling my negative impulses.

However past 8 months have been very rough, especially the past 4 which have been hellish. Last year I was in a position in which my life felt like it was finally moving in the right direction and I was starting to see opportunities to mold myself into a version of me could take pride in. Unfortunately successive injuries and other ongoing health issues have kinda permanently robbed me of what was starting to look like a bright future and at this point CTB seems like the only solution.

I basically came here to these forums because I want a place where I can think and speak freely about these subjects and my feelings without being judged or punished. Life has been extremely lonely recently and silence on some of the largest thoughts and pains weighing on my mind have only made it worse.

In terms of less dark and sad and more miscellaneous stuff, I'm a weird nerdy little critter. I like to read and research. I'm very into humanities and social sciences (I was majoring in Political Science at community college up until my health prohibited me from going any further with that). I'm very obsessive about my interests because I'm autistic and have ADHD. I used to like to read, although my health has taken my wits from me to a degree so it isn't as engaging and even the thing I loved most reminds me of how much I've lost. I do like trying to do art, although I'm quite bad at it, and I adore cats (goodness I'm the most boring "person" on the planet).

Anyway I am sorry for this stupid and self-indulgent post.

P.S. The rules mention a search function. Maybe I'm stupid, but I can't find it. Where is it? How do I use it?

 

[exitingtothevoid]

P.S. The rules mention a search function. Maybe I'm stupid, but I can't find it. Where is it? How do I use it?

Search and chat appeared for me 24 hours after I joined. Also I made enough posts in that time to go from New Member to Member. Not sure if that was required. I was confused by the lack of search too.

 

[CatLvr]

Hi everybody, I'm banger12 (would prefer to dodge my real name) and I'm a 21 (soon to be 22) y/o man living in the northwestern United States. Since my early teens I've suffered from somewhat persistent issues of depression, anxiety and CTB ideation. I've also never done well with people and go through episodes of being chronically lonely and socially unfulfilled against my will. There were periods in the past where I had made plans and had been hospitalized when I was younger but at this point I can dismiss that as somewhat ridiculous; a dangerous over reaction to issues that weren't worth taking the action that I desired at the time, and in the following years I had gotten better at curbing and controlling my negative impulses.

However past 8 months have been very rough, especially the past 4 which have been hellish. Last year I was in a position in which my life felt like it was finally moving in the right direction and I was starting to see opportunities to mold myself into a version of me could take pride in. Unfortunately successive injuries and other ongoing health issues have kinda permanently robbed me of what was starting to look like a bright future and at this point CTB seems like the only solution.

I basically came here to these forums because I want a place where I can think and speak freely about these subjects and my feelings without being judged or punished. Life has been extremely lonely recently and silence on some of the largest thoughts and pains weighing on my mind have only made it worse.

In terms of less dark and sad and more miscellaneous stuff, I'm a weird nerdy little critter. I like to read and research. I'm very into humanities and social sciences (I was majoring in Political Science at community college up until my health prohibited me from going any further with that). I'm very obsessive about my interests because I'm autistic and have ADHD. I used to like to read, although my health has taken my wits from me to a degree so it isn't as engaging and even the thing I loved most reminds me of how much I've lost. I do like trying to do art, although I'm quite bad at it, and I adore cats (goodness I'm the most boring "person" on the planet).

Anyway I am sorry for this stupid and self-indulgent post.

P.S. The rules mention a search function. Maybe I'm stupid, but I can't find it. Where is it? How do I use it?

Welcome to SaSu. You are the same age as my oldest grandchildren and you sound pretty normal to me. In fact, I am sure one of the girls could have written pretty much what you have.

I am sorry life is giving you such a hard time right now. I haven't been here long but can tell you that you can find more support and help to get through whatever is going on in your life than anywhere else because there are people here who understand how you feel because they have been there -- or are there -- themselves.

Don't ever hesitate to reach out. Someone here can help you.

The search function will pop up if you click on the little magnifying glass looking thingee in the upper right-hand corner of the page. I don't remember not having it though it could have been I just didn't notice.

 

[banger12]

Search and chat appeared for me 24 hours after I joined. Also I made enough posts in that time to go from New Member to Member. Not sure if that was required. I was confused by the lack of search too.

Thank you for explaining, still hasn't shown up for me but maybe I just haven't posted enough.

Welcome to SaSu. You are the same age as my oldest grandchildren and you sound pretty normal to me. In fact, I am sure one of the girls could have written pretty much what you have.

I am sorry life is giving you such a hard time right now. I haven't been here long but can tell you that you can find more support and help to get through whatever is going on in your life than anywhere else because there are people here who understand how you feel because they have been there -- or are there -- themselves.

Don't ever hesitate to reach out. Someone here can help you.

The search function will pop up if you click on the little magnifying glass looking thingee in the upper right-hand corner of the page. I don't remember not having it though it could have been I just didn't notice.

Thank you. I'm glad to hear that this place can offer some support. I hope you are doing well.

 

[jyko]

Hi all! Been lurking for a bit but finally decided to speak up

I'm jyko, 23 from England. My backstory is both physical and mental; I have a chronic pain condition in my bladder that causes me consistent, unavoidable hell, my back is a whole mess of pains and knots and trapped nerves due to alot of overexertion at jobs, bad gym posture, and inheriting scoliosis from my mother.

Speaking of parents, they're a large chunk of why I want to ctb too; mom is a manic depressive alcoholic who frequently used to text me to die and that she should have had an abortion when I was forced to keep her number as a child. Dad is autistic (also thus me too), extremely narcissistic and has never once listened to one of my issues without using it as ammunition against me when he simply wakes up in a bad mood. He would forcefully isolate me as a teen and send me to school crying in panic attacks from screaming at me every morning- I spent alot of time at the nurses office.

Against all odds I made it to university which is a first in my close family, did well, graduated. But university was the final nail in the coffin for me; I was free of their torment but that means my brain now had to process everything - I became and still am a pretty severe alcoholic, and my mental health has never been worse. Stuck in dead end retail/hospo jobs giving me a general distain for the public and the bitchy nature of colleagues. None of it matters yet theyre so insistent on being irritating and cruel. I am going to ctb soon because I am so sick of living a life full of pain and misery just for the sake of other people and their comfort. Get fucked and I hope it hurts.

Aside from all that bad stuff (lol) my interests are pretty varied. Autism plays a pretty big role; my biggest fixation and I would say special interest is chernobyl. I like a wide variety of music; kpop, joost klein, kaarija, nickelback, rammstein, hyperpop, scenecore, nightcore, the list is too long to keep going. Video games too - cyberpunk, borderlands, elden ring, mass effect, RDR2, again the list is too long. Youtubers also play a pretty big role in my life - the sidemen, Sam and colby, Eleanor neale etc. Many tv shows like the boys, gen v, umbrella academy, good omens, doctor who. Very varied tastes, all of which are fading into apathy pretty quickly.

I don't tend to be here for long, for obvious reasons, but it's nice to be somewhere where I can actually express myself and be a person without constant ridicule. Sorry for the essay