Venting Intentionally crashed my car & have a new one

[The Great Below]

About a week ago minutes before I left for one of three therapy sessions of the week my husband calls me and lays on me some "unnecessary argumentative information" that I'm begging him to discuss later and he keeps talking at me blaming me for how "he just can't bring things to me" same old same.. But it just was such a icing to the cake I told him "I am smashing my phone now" and I did.. I smashed my phone and walked out to my car.. Not even 5 minutes later I am down the road in someone's yard smashed into their parked car and I took out a sign. There is a sharp turn almost like a letter U with aarows and houses alongside and in a split second I just wanted to go full speed into the house.. I saw the house.. I aimed for the house.. I put my gas to the floor all the way.. And I got scared.. I brake and jerked the wheel and the grass was wet and I slid which caused me to not hit the house and slide into her car. I'm not sure I totaled her car but I totaled mine and I was completely fine otherwise which I hate.. I hate all of this.. This is why I've never done this shit before. I knew if I did it I would end up not following through and would have bills to pay over it. And I did accomplish one thing.. I didn't hurt anyone which has always been my number 1 I never want to hurt anyone just because I want to die. And everyone believed me when I said it was an accident and the breaks didn't work.. even the crash adjusters.. we already got the money paid out from the car hence me getting a new car. Getting a new car wasn't "the worst" either.. I don't talk to anybody because I don't have any friends and I don't have any family I just have my not nice husband but he said that it's not the worst because I was having issues with my car the breaks not working and needing tires and lots of repairs and this car is an upgrade.. But I'm scared of the car.. Terrified.. For many reasons. Like how my husband has treated me about the car accident he's really thrived on how scared I was after.. because I didn't have my phone because I smashed it before I left and I didn't even have his phone number memorized I just happened to have it in the glove box because the car is under his name which I was very lucky for and he handled everything he did and I don't ever let him handle anything because it scares me because it just feels controlling of him and I'm very independent I was very independent before I met him and I've become a shell of myself during our time together.. He has thrived off of this accident.. He has thrived off of the shell I've become yet at the same time wants to act as a victim as if he is so sad about it.. I dono.. I guess I'm just so fearful of crashing this car. And I am greatful that he drove me to get this car an hour and a half away because I wanted to have the same car that I had before because I have been so anxious and have agoraphobia that has developed during our relationship and I am so appreciative of him driving all that way.. but then I find out he didn't check the bank account to make sure that the deposit from the old car was in the account and it wasn't so we had to put down less and in the payment is like double which I can't afford and I don't know anything about loans but he's a "money guy" so he said that things will be just switched around if we refinance it in a set amount of days once we get the check in the mail and I don't know anything about that.. and then I had to drive home 2 hours in the rain in this new car and I got home at almost midnight and it was just very anxiety inducing it's the longest I've had to drive since my accident and I have a lot of health issues as well that caused me a lot of physical distress that my doctors are trying to figure out but they are leaning towards fibromyalgia so I'm trying to struggle to hold my steering wheel of this car that has a different upgraded motor than my old car and drives faster so I'm like dealing with touchier gas.. other than driving at home which was on Friday night I drove it to therapy Saturday morning which I'm very grateful that my doctor was able to come in on Saturday because she usually is not but it's been so hard to see her when I didn't have my own car and I already had to turn in the rental which I barely drove either just driving the kids to school and doctor's appointments.. I've just been trying to stay in bed I've been getting so overwhelmed and my husband it's making me very anxious so I've been trying to give him what time he needs for me and then just be away from him the rest of the time which luckily we have separate rooms so it's not that hard.. I'm just so scared about this new car.. I've had these fears for years I am 35 years old and I've not driven most of my life because I've lived somewhere where transportation was easy but I don't anymore and I have to take the kids to their appointment so I'm forced to which I understand it's just so scary to leave the house it's just as scary to be at home though I guess I hate it here I just wish I could disappear from every corner of existence because everything feels emotionally cruel and nothing feels kind and I just wish that I could feel emotional kindness and this incident didn't feel like I was being further victimized by this man who just enjoys watching me at my lowest point even though he said that he took me to go get this car so I could feel safe it's just like so many things happened within the interaction of getting this car that made me feel so uncomfortable so unsafe I just wish I could feel love I wish I had a family I really wish I didn't feel these ways and wish all the work and therapy that I was doing felt like it meant something.. I don't know if anybody else he was like they escaped dying and they're so sad about it and I hate that I hate that.. like I could look at this situation and I feel like things are going well I have a new car it has a sunroof it's the same car I wanted because I loved my old car I cried so much when my car was towed away because it was the one place I could go away for my husband that wasn't my house and I didn't have to be around him and it was gone and I kept saying that the only thing I would ever change about the car would need it having a sunroof and now I have one I have the same car with working AC now and a sunroof and it has a heated seat and heated steering wheel because I'm always in so much physical pain and maybe that will help me cuz I didn't use it on the drive home cuz my bag was hurting so much my whole body was hurting so much cuz we were there for so long and so much longer than we should have been if he had just checked his bank account.. or if we just not gone that day we didn't even need to go that day.. I just wish I could be happy about these things but I'm just terrified I don't know why I can't just be happy I'm working so far three times a week in therapy and I'm just so alone but at least I have my cats my little baby kitty's.. I don't know if anyone else feels this way I'm sorry I'm rambling on now I'm using voice to text because my hands are just in so much pain and I'm just crying and talking my feelings out so sorry for this run-on rant

I guess something else that I should add because I just posted this but I realized that I hadn't even talked about those is that I almost crashed my car several times leading up to this for weeks this was like a progression of me doing the exact same thing of like speeding up drastically in a second but then I would snap out of it and I guess I did kind of do the same thing.. at the end of the day I didn't hit the house but I had far more of a goal to hit something that I did any of the other times and it scares me. The other times it would just be like a completely open road and I would just start speeding and then just stop in the middle of the road.. there would never be a goal to actually hit anything I guess because there was just such a fear of hurting someone. I never want to hurt anybody other than myself and I guess that is why I'm so fearful of hurting myself is because I don't want to hurt my children. I don't really have any family that I'm like close with my mother is abusive and I don't really know my dad I've only talked with him digitally.. I just don't want to hurt my kids and I'm scared I'm scared of this progression I'm scared of driving this car.. I haven't done anything Reckless but there was such a buildup and then I crashed and I don't know if it just goes away.. I've been suicidal since it was a 8 years old and I'm just so fearful of how things are going at this point