Instinct to survive, desire to die | The TRUE hell

[exiled]

Nothing I ever type or speak aloud will do justice or fully capture what goes on inside my brain. I need it to turn off. Forever. I can't take the hell that is constantly overtaking my entire body head to toe. Every thought, every feeling, every desire is met with absolute tragedy. Everything I ever loved or was loved by has slipped away. Every person I thought protected me, cared for me, wanted the best for me, has betrayed me.

Perhaps I am the problem. Or perhaps I am not. Either way, it's no good. Either I'm terribly fucked in the head, or terribly fucking cursed. What existence is either of those things?

I wish there was someone who would listen with compassion. Without judgment. Without force of action. Just an open space.

My life feels impossible to continue, yet death seems implausible. Attempting to catch the bus with the level of SI that I have seems so contradictory and a waste of materials, time, and energy. I'm never going to be able to end my life because I can't do it. I'll admit.

Yet I'm stuck. Alive in this cruel, unforgiving existence. Beyond belief. My best friend took her own life end of '21. Everyone calls her so weak for it but it's the bravest step she ever took.

I'm not brave. Which means my punishment is this life. What do you do when it's nothing but torture and there is no way out?

What do you do when it is excruciatingly painful but there is no out? No cure, no relief? I'm in hell. I genuinely believe I am. It feels as if I already died and was some type of Hitler in a last life and this is God punishing me. That maybe the existence I am in now is the hell that the Bible speaks of. Maybe my eternity is being within this body forever.

If I did something at some point that warranted this punishment, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please just save me, God. Take me from this hell. Wake me from this nightmare. Where, O Lord, is Your grace? Has it run out just for me? I am desperate.

 

[lostforever77]

Let me tell you something right now, you did not do one thing to deserve any of this. Not one thing. Loneliness and self-loathing is a terrible combination, I should now I order every time on my pizza of shame and regret. (I also tell terrible jokes). Your also not in hell, unless this is a shared hell, which I mean...maybe? I remember once looking up if it was possible if I was cursed because I felt like people hated me upon meeting me, I'm like you don't know me well enough to hate me yet..give me some time. I have prayed so many times for God to kill me, obviously that has not happened yet, I have also called them quite a few really bad names because of that. I feel weak as well, an I really do not have a good answer for this one, if I figure it out I will let you know. If you ever need to talk, I am here...really like as I told someone else today..I am here like 24/7 minus a few hours to sleep. I will not judge. To paraphrase Albert Eisenstein "Do not worry abut how fucked you are, I assure you that I am more so" :-)

 

[MyLuckyStars]

I feel you, I'm in the same boat. I wish I could just opt out, rot in bed till the wait is over. I really don't think I'd off myself, but it's practically all I think about. It really bothers me how people overwhemingly treat suicide as a cowardly act. It takes some serious conviction and willpower to get out of here. If it was easy, this site would be a ghost town. We're all concerned with finding the most painless/efficient methods, of course, but in theory anybody could just find a cliff on a hike and be done with it. Anyone who could will themselves to do it like that has inhuman courage.

 

[Oublivien]

Living takes courage. Dying takes courage. So what the hell is in between?

Rotting away is just as painful.

 

[Celerity]

Living takes courage. Dying takes courage. So what the hell is in between?

Rotting away is just as painful.

This. A half-lived life isn't worth leading, yet here I am.

 

[exiled]

It's too fucking painful

 

[TorturedEnough]

Being stuck in the middle of life(while suffering) and death is so dreadful, I understand. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better for you. Either way, good luck.

 

[exiled]

I genuinely believe with my whole heart that my life is a colossal mistake. A pure accident.