insane rant/vent of mine

[a great green gem]

ok take this: girl is loved by her friends
girl is so especially loved by one friend that she's willing to house her for the summer. (She would be homeless otherwise.)
girl's super capable of getting into nursing school.
ha ha ha ha

Girl has depression
Girl has baggage
Her baggage says: do not come near me. I am going to hurt you.
Girl does not want people to get hurt. So she acts out. She tries to overwhelm them to leave.
They don't.
Why? Why? Why?
It doesn't matter. It's a sweet story, but it involves humans. It won't end well.

Girl has depression (remember?)
Girl withdraws from social situations (true!)
Girl sits in the corner doing homework while the friends that love her laugh at phone videos (okay?)
Girl feels awful.
Girl sees a pattern: I am only loved when I am not okay.
Girl's therapist says: That's not true actually people love you even when you're okay
And Yet!
And Yet.

Girl doesn't care for this anymore.
Girl gets out of that situation A.S.A.P.
Girl Goes Home
Girl Writes a Plan
Not a Suicide Plan- her 'friends' have taken all her rope and razors, knives, and scissors.

"How To End It All- Not Like That"
a. simply continue doing what you're doing! Silently isolate. don't speak. put up a silent mask. NOT a happy mask. Do not give them an excuse to be friends with you keep you around.
b. DON'T show emotion. Your therapist said it wasn't true but it is- people will only care if you're breaking down. So don't [break down]. And you'll vanish from their minds.
c. Pour your emotion into work. Get the psych final, get the bio final. get those essays.

Page 2
"Not aiming for good ending."
Aiming for
she thinks
the "alone" ending.
Ending up Homeless, isolated, and hidden- but accepted into the nursing program.

This is something you know you can do.

Buy new razors. Cut your rope losses. Throw away all non-necessities. And VANISH.

/end
I'm not looking for criticism.

 

[whywere]

I, like so very many others, have had a lifetime of goods and not so goods BUT I can say this much, after reading your thread you are LOVED and CARED about. I started out homeless and hungry in 1974 and have, there in again like most, so many ups, downs and everything in between, however one aspect always stays constant and that is caring for one's fellow human like YOU!

After my "parents" dropped me off the day after I turned 18 with no money, no food, no shelter, nothing except my sack of clothes, a person drove by that I had met a few times in high school. He asked what I was doing, told me to get in his car and we drove back to his parents' house. He talked to his parents who took me in a fed and gave me shelter for free till I got on my feet in 1974, as there are folks who care.

I care about YOU, no bull crap, 100% mean it, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have always will.

Lots of extremely huge hugs, caring vibes and well wishes my good friend.

I am not on a lot, I still work full time, but if you want to always feel free to pm me and I will get back as soon as I can.

Walter