I've been emotionally dead pretty much since I was self-aware---that is, I always hated my life and wished I was dead. And had CTB wishes ever since I learned suicide existed, since age 8 or so. My whole life was a struggle against keeping misery away from me: by making misery-reducing choices, my associating with positive people, and/or by using substances (like alcohol and prescriptions). My whole life is an ongoing struggle against god/society wanting to keep me suicidally miserable, while I want to just be happy, at any cost including my life.
Today, I'm doing not half-bad. I have an Effexor prescription, I can buy alcohol any time I want, I can buy cigarettes any time I want, and I made new friends who don't worship the Coronavirus and still want to socialize. But even so, I feel like I'm living on borrowed time with a ticking time bomb chained to my leg. That is, anything that makes me even slightly happy will end right this moment, and I'll be once again as miserable as I was as a child or when I first joined this site.