Venting Impeccable timing...

[Wayfaerer]

My mother isn't that old and her health was decent a few days ago but now she is in the hospital with poor odds of survival. This all happened just two months prior to my CTB date. It's not that I'm afraid of losing her but I wanted to be the one that died first just to spite her. So she could see the accumulation of her choices and what they have done to me. years before I was even suicidal, I was looking forward to getting on with life and then dumping her in a retirement home when she reached retirement age. It was one of the very few things I was looking forward to but even I was deprived of that. So I thought then at least she would witness my death but NO she dies randomly out of the fucking blue just two months before I do. This is also going to be extra hard for everyone in our family having two deaths so close together. I just can't believe the utter shit luck that I've had. It's like one of those thoughts I have when I think "wouldn't that be crazy if X were to happen...?" and it actually happens. This is not the first one of those I've had either where it turned out like that. Amazing. Just fucking incredible...

 

[BipolarGuy]

What were your mother's choices that you resent, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Wayfaerer]

What were your mother's choices that you resent, if you don't mind me asking?

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/nature-vs-nurture.49403

I made a long blogpost in an earlier thread. It's the one further down (#14) if you're interested.

 

[rt1989526]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/nature-vs-nurture.49403

I made a long blogpost in an earlier thread. It's the one further down if you're interested.

We have similar stories my friend. I am also a younger brother who was seemingly an afterthought. My sister has coasted thru life catching one break after another while I've been lobotomized by medications and am destined for a lifetime of misery. Being alive is trash and I can't wait for it to be over.

 

[Wayfaerer]

We have similar stories my friend. I am also a younger brother who was seemingly an afterthought. My sister has coasted thru life catching one break after another while I've been lobotomized by medications and am destined for a lifetime of misery. Being alive is trash and I can't wait for it to be over.

What adds further insult to injury for me was that I was so close to having a good life just a couple years ago despite all that bullshit. So close I could almost taste it but because of something from years prior I had lost it all so suddenly. I had unknowingly spent so many years building up to a gargantuan let down.

It has been a recurring theme in my life of thinking that I am in a solipsistic psychological torture simulation because it's crafted in such a way as to bring as much misery as possible without exceeding my tolerance threshold until it's finished with me. I just can't help but wonder after events such as these. What were the odds of it all???

 

[rt1989526]

I think the unequal treatment early in my childhood helped foster my personality disorder.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I think the unequal treatment early in my childhood helped foster my personality disorder.

It has ruined me as an adult that I can say for sure.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wanted to be the one that died first just to spite her.

As she is lying on her death bed a few hours before she finally dies you could go to her and cuss her out call her a bitch etc. Think of the possibilities this brings! You're looking at it all wrong.

 

[Wayfaerer]

As she is lying on her death bed a few hours before she finally dies you could go to her and cuss her out call her a bitch etc. Think of the possibilities this brings! You're looking at it all wrong.

Why? She brought this down on the both of us. I don't want her to be driven insane with grief, only to know that her actions had ultimately brought me to this point because she wouldn't listen to me before. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to look at it.

 

[Meditation guide]

Why? She brought this down on the both of us. I don't want her to be driven insane with grief, only to know that her actions had ultimately brought me to this point because she wouldn't listen to me before. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to look at it.

Oh my mistake.
Somehow I must have thought you wanting to look forward to her witnessing your death and dumping her in a retirement home meant you wanted to get back at her. How silly of me to think that.

I wanted to be the one that died first just to spite her.

"I don't want her to be driven insane with grief." Um, ok. She won't be "driven insane with grief" if you die first but if you cuss her out she will be. That doesn't make sense.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Oh my mistake.
Somehow I must have thought you wanting to look forward to her witnessing your death and dumping her in a retirement home meant you wanted to get back at her. How silly of me to think that.


"I don't want her to be driven insane with grief." Um, ok. She won't be "driven insane with grief" if you die first but if you cuss her out she will be. That doesn't make sense.

It's about her understanding why I did it. It involves getting back at her but not to the highest degree possible. I just want her to understand for once.

Why are you being so hostile? I'm not going to cuss her out.

 

[Meditation guide]

I wanted to be the one that died first just to spite her.

It involves getting back at her but not to the highest degree possible.

So that wouldn't be her witnessing your death. That's just a little bit of revenge. It sounds like you don't even know what you said. I'm just going by that.

I thought then at least she would witness my death

Do you know you said that? You think that would be ok for her but cussing at her would drive her insane?

It sounds like you think you can say any horrible thing about getting revenge on your mom but if someone else says why not cuss at her you take issue with that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

So that wouldn't be her witnessing your death. That's just a little bit of revenge. It sounds like you don't even know what you said. I'm just going by that.

Yeah? She deserves to know why I did it, she doesn't deserve blissful ignorance. I'm not trying to inflict as much damage to her as humanly possible. What on earth is your point?

 

[Meditation guide]

She deserves to know why I did it, she doesn't deserve blissful ignorance. I'm not trying to inflict as much damage to her as humanly possible. What on earth is your point?

Her witnessing your death and knowing it was her fault sounds like extreme revenge on her. It sounds like you are definitely trying to inflict as much damage as possible on her. That is my point.

How can you say that and turn around and pretend like it's just a little thing? I suggested cussing at her and you made that sound like it was horrible but making her know she is responsible for your death and witnessing it is not that much.

You brought it up. You had regrets you can't do it. So I gave an alternative and you got all defensive.

Realize you talk about doing something terrible to your mother. It sounds like you don't know you did that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Her witnessing your death and knowing it was her fault sounds like extreme revenge on her. It sounds like you are definitely trying to inflict as much damage as possible on her. That is my point.

What's most important for me is that she knows her role in my suicide, not taking into account how she takes it. I want her to know why I did it and not just rationalize it away with "mental illness." I want her to understand more than anything.

Let's pretend though that it is about extreme revenge just so that we can rap this up: Again, so? What if it hypothetically were about that? I'm not going to be cussing her out, even in my note.

EDIT: nevermind, I read it right. "You're looking at it wrong" what is that suppose to mean? What's the "right" way to look at it?

 

[Meditation guide]

. I think that's excessive and I also have appearances to keep.

Your thinking is distorted but I can't get through to you. Oh well I tried. So many times people commit suicide with the idea "this will show her. Now she will feel bad she did this to me." I don't understand that thinking. It says more about you than it does about her. It's really messed up to think like that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Your thinking is distorted but I can't get through to you. Oh well I tried. So many times people commit suicide with the idea "this will show her. Now she will feel bad she did this to me." I don't understand that thinking. It says more about you than it does about her. It's really messed up to think like that.

I don't know if this is clear or not but I'm not killing myself exclusively to spite her I am killing myself because my life is not worth continuing in this way. I want her to know why I did it and she did have a lot to do with it. That's that. If she died now she'd get off scott-free and that'd make me even more bitter.

I wouldn't kill myself if I thought my situation was salvageable just so I could get revenge. That wouldn't be worth it at all.

 

[k75]

EDIT: nevermind, I read it right. "You're looking at it wrong" what is that suppose to mean? What's the "right" way to look at it?

For what it's worth, in the context of that entire post, I interpreted it to be a facetious way of saying don't see it as a bad thing, it's an opportunity instead.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

As she is lying on her death bed a few hours before she finally dies you could go to her and cuss her out call her a bitch etc. Think of the possibilities this brings! You're looking at it all wrong.

You have to be a special kind of shitty person to be capable of doing this to somebody who is dying.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

So that is much worse than having your mother witness your suicide and letting her know you are doing it because of her?

You are twisting his words. She is one of the factors that contributed to his decision and he wants her to know that. He is not doing it to spite her.

 

[pole]

hey, sorry to hear about what your going through.

regardless of whatever your mothers done, i'm still sorry for your loss. and i do respect your thoughts and opinions on what you wanted to do. it makes sense because of how you feel and what you've gone through.

as for others, please refrain from arguing within the thread. we dont know everyones situations and its best not to speak and assume as if we completely know a persons situation and what there going through to use our opinions as valid judgements. it only creates arguments and further disagreements.

we dont know OP and we cant speak and assume as if we do. only hes felt how he feels and what hes gone through and hes in a better position than anyone to decide and think about what he wants to do because hes the one whos actually felt and lived through his experiences. not us. even though we may disagree and not understand, its cause we havent gone through it or felt the same emotions. does that make any of how he feels and what he wants to do wrong? no. we need to be more understanding of what everyones going through and not turn it into an argument on whats right and wrong, simply because of the fact that we feel differently so we feel the need to make OP see it the way we see it. only OP knows whats right for themselves because there the only ones that can feel what we cant feel, which is the emotions from their own experiences that have shaped these thoughts that they have.

OP shouldn't feel forced to then explain himself as if what hes saying doesnt make sense. it can be invalidating. this thread isnt for arguments and debating. its a venting thread.

wish you the best of luck in life and with whatever decision you choose to make, and im sorry for what you've gone through.

take care.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Thank you Hasssssuùuu. I want to clarify when I said "just to spite her" I meant the reason why I wanted to go first after I had already decided on suicide. As far as spiting one's own mother, I understood that this might be taken as unsavory by some if not most but I'm past the point of caring about that anymore.